Help

LegacyUser

Hi guys

It's taken me a while to write this because my head is mangled. Also afraid the OH may see it and I'm not ready for talking yet. He'll probably cop it anyway, I don't give him enough credit for knowing me so well .

We have been living abroad since 2007, spending two years in a soul- less city where we never settled. I think because we were never into drugs and we prefer loyalty and friendship to filling our lives with people just so we don't feel empty, we became ostricised from our “peers”. We grew to realise that there was a huge superficiality within the groups we tried to be happy in, and couldn't really feel happy. We have recently moved to another part of the same country with only three friends made where we were, two of which I really feel are growing out of us.

We feel lost, we don't belong where we are, but don't belong at home either. Like there used to be a place for us there but it has been filled in now. It feels like we are constantly working towards something better, but we don't really know what/ where it is.

While we have been gone, our families and friends at home have made little effort to keep in touch with us. We are constantly phoning them, sending emails, flying about once a month to attend weddings, engagements, birthday parties etc etc. Sleeping on floors in their houses for days on end just to make sure that we are doing our best to maintain these friendships and family ties. I really care about these people, but it feels one sided. This is becoming a huge problem and I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into a dark place.

I have not been working since September, and while we're not exactly on the breadline, we're not flush either. I have been getting up with himself every morning, I'm exercising and walking the dog every day, looking for work and basically trying not to get bored. I'm afraid of my own thoughts, because if I think for just a minute the pain and loneliness and feelings of betrayal and uselessness will hit me so hard I will have to break down.

I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, and sometimes I think he would be better off without me. I feel like my family don't really see me, because I don't have anything useful to contribute to them. I skyped my sister the other day, and she said my brother was thinking of moving to the place she lives. I told her I would love to have one of them living close to me. She said that I should do the same- like I could just drop my husband, the mortgage etc etc. I don't even think she remembered any of this, which made me feel even smaller and unimportant.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to put all of this on my OH, I feel like I've given him enough responsibility so far and I'm not holding up my end of the bargain. He has paid for me to do a course online and I am so behind and so ashamed about this. I'm just losing the will and need help, I just don't know what kind of help.

Anti

I'm not quite sure what to make of the whole family thing to be honest, but i really do think you should talk to your husband. A problem shared, is a problem halfed. From what you said he sounds like a great guy, and i'd put money on it he would happily help you through all of this.

Angus Og

You sound like you want your husband to read this, and maybe he should. Then again maybe you should tell him what you are telling us. Everyone knows it's easier to talk to strangers, but you obviously love him, and I have no doubt he'd want to know.

Once you've spoken to him, then you can deal wth your family. It's quite obvious that you feel very close to them, and that they've disappointed you. But that doesn't mean they know they have.

Anyway, forget suicide, it's never the solution. When your troubles are over, you're going to want to be alive so you can enjoy the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

I'm hoping he won't actually. As I said my head is all over the place and I want to get clarity before I discuss this with him. This will upset him, he will relay an anecdote or an example of how he or someone he knows once felt the same and how you don't see him complaining in a bid to deflect the hurt, and I will just bottle it up and feel worse. I really want a solution.

I have always tried to be close to my family, but we are a big family and I always felt a bit lost in this. It always seemed like everyone had a friend except me. I know this seems very me feiner but it's how I saw/ see it. As for my parents, because the youngest has special needs, they have taken this as a "get out of jail free card", even though myself and 2 of my siblings were still children when the youngest was born and diagnosed. The condition was never explained to us properly and alot of my life has been taken up with trying to understand and come to terms with this. I love this sibling very very much, in case anyone takes this as a type of jealousy or anything. Sometimes it's like they want us to be jealous though, always using the excuse that they have a sick child. Before we left Ireland I asked them if they would maybe come out for a meal or even just a coffee to say goodbye but my mother said they were too busy. The weekend after we left she went to Poland on holidays wth her friends. I can't even tell you how much this hurt.

With friends it's the same. I'm loyal and if entrusted with a secret, it will go to the grave with me. However I have very rarely been awarded the same respect. I feel like a total doormat, and in the last couple of months I have begun to dread meeting new people, like I'm socially retarded.

Angus Og

Have you ever tried putting yourself first? Marriage is supposed to be based on love and trust, not to mention many other things. It sounds like you've been letting other people have their way for a long time. In all honesty, I would begin to question your marital relationship.

LegacyUser

I honestly think putting myself first hasn't done me any favours. When I stop doing things for other people and start thinking about myself, my self esteem grows a little bit to begin with but ultimately ends up with me being disappointed and hurt that I don't mean as much to people as I thought I did.

Angus Og

You should re-read all of your words, because the answer is obvious. You don't put yourself first. Even when you think of doing so, you destroy your own hopes by wondering what other people will think. You've obviously been giving over your whole life to make other people happy, unless there is something you're not telling us.

The fact that your husband would wheel out some anecdote in answer to your obvious distress, tells me a lot about him.

LegacyUser

My husband is a wonderful person, loves me more than life itself and would do anything for me. I don't doubt this or our relationship for a second. As I said, when I feel like this it hurts him and this is his reaction. He doesn't know how to help and this is all it is. To be honest, he probably feels the same as I do about things but is better able to deal with them.

I have put myself first and as a result have ended up alone save for him. It would be lovely to imagine that I only needed him but we all need a support network. We can't just rely on each other for everything.

Angus Og

Well, have you tried telling him how to help? Telling him what it is that will make you feel better, rather than just saying that you're unhappy? You sound like you're homesick, and anyone can be home sick. It's not something to be ashamed of. Where are his family in all of this? Surely they are not as callous as your own?

Dark Phoenix

ok re family and friends I have to say they probably have no idea they have upset you. I have had a lot of friends move abroad and while we stay in touch I think you need to appreciate that in a way out of sight is out of mind. What I mean is that someone you see and talk to everyday is not going to be as close to you as someone you havent seen in months. What I dont understand though is why it has to be an issue. My best friend lives half the world away. sometimes we may not hear from each other for weeks but if we meet up its still the same us. I think sometimes when people move away they forget that while they have a new life, new friends etc the people you leave behind have the same life and problems as before so it can be harder to stay in touch too as they have less to say. When my friend moved away I had less to say to her as my life stayed the same so it frustrated me when she would email and tell me so little about her new life!
Instead of saying things to your sister like 'I wish I could live near you' and getting upset at her response look at what you can do instead - can you get skype so you canring family and friends more often? what about a webcam etc? make it easier for you to communicate with people and vice versa.

Also, talk to your husband. Its easy to get stuck in a rut and feel lonely thats normal. It sounds like you blame yourself for not working while your husband is - stop beating yourself up!

LegacyUser

His family are just as bad really, but in a different way. He does have a couple of friends that he can talk to though. I used to be homesick but as I now don't regard Ireland as home anymore it's not that.

We have skype, facebook, bebo, email, webcam and a VOIP phone and have given everyone contact details. The phone only rings when he's working from home and has his work calls diverted.

I know what you're saying, but I dread going back now because we always end up running around the place trying to meet up with everyone. No- one seems bothered with coming to us. We take an interest in everything that's going on with them. On the rare occasions that we get visitors we have always made sure that we have a spare bedroom with a comfortable bed and that they have a great time. It's awful when no- one even offers to pick us up from the airport.

LegacyUser

Just forgot to address this: If I knew what needed to be done I would ask for his help. I don't so I'm asking here.

Angus Og

You've only been living abroad since 2007 and you don't consider Ireland home anymore? Sorry, just find it hard to believe, especially with you being on here.

Anyway, how about this. If you could do anything to change your life, and that of your husband, what would it be? Do you need loyal friends? More money? Or do you just wish that your family were more supportive?

Do you have children?

LegacyUser

I guess you have a point, but it's hard to consider a place home when no- one there cares about us. Or here, or anywhere. That's why I feel lost. As for being on here, old habits die hard I guess. I'm on expat forums just as much though .

I would just wish to be able to make lasting friendships with people who care about me as much as I would care about them and for my family to be more supportive or even just interested.

While legally we're married here, we won't be doing the actual wedding for a while yet. We were very excited but it's hard to be when we're not even sure if anyone will come. We purposely put it off so we could afford what we wanted, and really think about something meaningful to us. We didn't want to put on a show, we wanted something personal that our nearest and dearest could enjoy but honestly we might be better off just having a super nice honeymoon.

theg81der

Hi Op! What do you see as your options? is there anything you can change? I know you said you moved, was that because of this? Was it a positive move, do you see any benefits?

eleven

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're in this position. It sounds hard, and lonely.

From what you've said, it sounds like you're depressed. The situation you've described sounds like events viewed through the fog of depression... i.e the depression is making things unbearable... chances are if you can deal with depression, the things you've talked about - not fitting in, loneliness, detachment from your family will be surmountable. You may find that rather than feeling every sad emotion or slight deeply that you start not to notice the slights, or snubs... you won't percieve these kind of things as hurts.

The only way to deal with depression is by talking about it. Not to your husband if you think you're not ready or you think he may not understand. And of course if you don't understand yourself, it can be hard to describe to another person.

So I'm going to say that you should seek the help of a counsellor - who is trained to understand. By coming to Boards I think that you're starting the process of seeking help by talking, but I think that you should carry this further.

Obviously if money is tight then it may not be so easy to seek help, so I would suggest phoning the Samaritans or a similar agency for some real person to person talking, and they would be able to suggest help for you at your budget.

I hope you start to feel more positive about life soon, I too have suffered from severe loneliness, and I know exactly how hard it is to reach out and talk about this, but truly, talking about this stuff is like unblocking the drains. Once the muck is cleared out, the water flows freely again.

It's worth saying what the other posters have said; that in order to be content with life you have to consider the aspects of your day that you do enjoy, and things you've done in your life that felt good. In other words, putting yourself first.

I know you said you have responsibilities to your mortgage and husband, of course you do... but he also has responsibilities to you. Sometimes in a relationship you compromise, sometimes you sacrifice, sometimes you demand. Maybe this time you have a right to demand...?

(By demand I mean demand adequate time and care from him for you to get to grips with depression, looking for help and time and care and space to heal)

Again, good luck.

Angus Og

The honeymoon sounds like a good idea. It seems to me that you have managed to deal with your family, and his, until now, but when you lost your job, or whatever, you've started to feel a strain on the marital bond. It must have been easier when you were both out working, and work occupied your mind.

Maybe it's time you both took a break from life together, and reaffirm the love you share.

LegacyUser

Angus I don't understand why you are so focused on my relationship. You have said in nearly every one of your posts that I should leave my OH....

I would agree with you to an extent about the depression, but alot of what I've described has happened, there's no fog. I've been trying to understand my health insurance policy to see if it will cover counselling but it will be difficult to find someone English speaking. I tried mailing the Samaritans before and they were useless, just rewording my answers and sending them back to me as a new question.

We moved because we wanted to travel a bit and then eventually come home but then the recession happened so we were unable to. A couple of months after we moved, my OH's company moved to a neighbouring country and he ended up having to commute from Tuesday to Thursday every week, which was difficult. Between us having next to no- one where we were and me not enjoying my job so much we decided to move closer to the border so that he could come home every night. We have put our money into a house because it's far cheaper than renting with tax breaks.

It has helped a bit but now that the days are getting longer we want to get out and meet people. I just don't really feel up to it, because of everything that's happened before I don't want to end up in friendships where I'm constantly giving and being walked all over. I don't feel like I haven't got anything interesting to say anymore, that I'm coming across as needy and that people won't want to know me. I feel tired trying to make a good impression unless I've had a bit to drink. Then I wake up in the morning wondering if maybe I was drunk and they were just humouring me.

I just feel massively let down by both of our families, and friends I guess. We all know when we're being taken for a ride and we all know when we're taking somebody else for a ride. I'm close to never bothering to go to Ireland again. It's just disappointing.

Angus Og

I'm sorry, you must have misread. I suggested that you and he take a break together.


Have you heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

http://www.lumie.com/help/quick-guides/sad

LegacyUser

Apologies, I understand now. There are two weddings this year, which means two stags, and he is best man at one of them. It's alot of expense. One of the weddings is abroad so we'll hopefully get some time to ourselves. It's not until June though.

I think maybe S.A.D. exacerbates the situation but it's a combination of alot of things, real and in my head. I know I need counselling but I just want some practical tips to deal with this until I can figure that out.

Angus Og

Well, since you're not working, how about writing. Write down everything about how you feel. I don't mean that it has to be an autobiography, but I know some one who suffered severe depression, and felt great release by writing about their own experiences.

Once this person re-read their own words, which had been written in white-hot honesty, it was actually an eye opener.

Let your mind overflow, and don't hold back. Write about saddness and your anger, and whatever else you feel.

LegacyUser

OP I have to ask this - did you post on PI before, maybe a couple of months ago? Because if you didn't, your husband definitely did - I have read parts of this story before.

I wouldn't know how to find the other post now, but all I can say is, if it wasn't you, then that means your husband is also worried about your joint situation, so you both really really need to talk to eachother about it.

I know the language can be an issue, but are there any other activities you could do to get you out of the house more? I am living abroad too and work from home so I am very familiar with the negative thinking patterns you can very easily slip into, and I've also experienced the tendency to feel antisocial sometimes. It's so important to get out and chatting to people, though, regardless. I know that's easier in some places than others, but what it comes down to is, you are responsible for your own happiness, and nobody else is going to make it happen for you. I've found the expat meetups are great, the thing is don't put the pressure on yourself that you have to make "new best friends", just meeting lots of different people and doing lots of different activities is good for the soul, too.

LegacyUser

I was hoping this would suffice for writing things down . And it has helped a bit, even it's not real interaction.

We have been to some of the meetups but everyone is either alot older than us or just not into the same stuff. We try to be enthusiastic but it's difficult. The weather has been rubbish though so maybe more people will come as the weather gets better. We have a yoga lesson with the group this weekend- that's how hard we're trying!

Angus Og

Yes, now you're getting somewhere. And don't forget there are plenty of other groups you can go to. Surely you have interests or hobbies?

One more thing, and it's not an attack against your husband. Do you each have friends, or are your friends always shared?

You know, it's not unusual for two people to have a loving relationship, and still have friends of their own.

Don't want to be an annoyance, but after reading everything you've written, it seems to me that you can't have friends unless you both agree on them. But I can tell you for a fact, and from my own experience, that you can have your own friends, and he can have his own friends, and you don't all have to get along.

To be honest, you just sound too nice.

Anyway, why not reg here and join some of the discussions on the boards? There are lots of things to talk about, and there may be something out there just waiting for you. Waiting to change your world for the better.

LegacyUser

That's the thing, there does seem to be a shortage of meetup groups here, the nightlife has been a bit weird so far and the yoga will be our first activity. We have a couple of hobbies but we've been busy with the house and the weather has been a bit rubbish.

We did have separate friends within the same group but it was a male/ female separation. He was ok because the lads did pool nights and stuff but the girls didn't really do anything and were more intent on knifing eachother in the back. I stuck my neck out for them more than once and it didn't do me any favours. Drugs/ chasing eachothers boyfriends/ threesomes- not really my idea of friendships. People were constantly coming and going. When my OH caught one of the girls trying it on with another married friend (with four children) we decided to keep our distance from her and our connection to the whole group was suddenly severed. We were surprised about that, because we had introduced her to the group and stuck up for her. She mailed me a couple of weeks later implying that it was because of him we weren't friends anymore and that we could still be friends "in secret" but she had stopped talking to me, I'm not a total w****r. If she had offered some kind of explanation maybe things might have been different but I was disgusted with her behaviour and it wasn't an isolated incident. It was just an odd dynamic and we don't regret leaving it behind.

I'm a long time member of boards and it does help alot, thanks

Peggypeg

Hey Sweetie,

Just wanted to give you a BIG HUG. It is so pants that you are feeling down. It's so hard to get back up when depression gets a hold of you, it can make things seem so much worse than they are. I'm not a councellor but it does sound like depression to me. You will meet loads of people on boards that have experience of this and should be able to give you some good advice. I would second the advice about talking to your husband and writing down how you're feeling. And cut yourself some slack, you're dealing with alot and without a support network so be nicer to yourself. I'm sure you are a lovely person and that people do like you but when you're feeling low it's easy to feel that people don't like you because you're feeling bad already.

I'm wishing that you feel better soon.

Angus Og

Never regret being yourself, and not being friends with those people. It wouldn't be nice of me to say that you are too good for them, but you are, and so is your man. There's a reason that you two found each other, and don't think you're the only ones turned off by the intrigues and sex games of rotten people.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, I must admit your support is really helping. I've told himself that something is wrong (he knew already ;p) but I'm not really ready to talk about it yet.

I guess the real problem is that when we've been let down so many times, we begin to question if it's with us that the problem lies. We've sat here nights talking about how everybody can't be wrong, and the common factor is us. It's always in the back of our minds now. Is it just that we're not looking hard enough to see it from their point of view or are they the deluded ones?

Angus Og

You should be proud of yourselves, not putting yourselves down. If you were friends of mine, I'd be glad to have you. They are not everybody, and I know that because I've seen, and heard of so many people like you.

They are the problem, and they've been ruining your life for too long.