What is expected of a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'll get straight to it. Have been seeing a guy just over 2 months now. All has been great so far and fun but we had an issue came up out of the blue which suprised me. He told me he felt guilty for not becoming more serious with me (I assume the whole gf/bf thing). We ended up having a big chat and got a lot out; he says he feels we have a different vibe than normal, more like great mates who really fancy each other, that he really enjoys this but it just doesnt feel like we're a couple. He kept saying he was scared to hurt me as he knows I've been hurt before, but also seemed scared to get into anything serious himself for fear of getting hurt. We decided yesterday to just continue as as we are anyway and see how it goes.

I have come across this before, a guy I was seeing saw me more as a mate than a friend and just didnt have those feelings for me. Partly I blame the fact that I am in my mid twenties and have never had a long term relationship, I just dont know whats expected of me!

I wonder if maybe I act a bit too much like a mate and not enough like a lady I suppose. I have no idea how I should continue on with this guy. Should I act less like a friend (e.g.steal his money/hide his xbox controller :P)?? In all seriousness though, any suggestions for how to act so he can see me as more of a girlfriend than a girl friend??

Peggypeg

ladylikeq wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'll get straight to it. Have been seeing a guy just over 2 months now. All has been great so far and fun but we had an issue came up out of the blue which suprised me. He told me he felt guilty for not becoming more serious with me (I assume the whole gf/bf thing). We ended up having a big chat and got a lot out; he says he feels we have a different vibe than normal, more like great mates who really fancy each other, that he really enjoys this but it just doesnt feel like we're a couple. He kept saying he was scared to hurt me as he knows I've been hurt before, but also seemed scared to get into anything serious himself for fear of getting hurt. We decided yesterday to just continue as as we are anyway and see how it goes.

I have come across this before, a guy I was seeing saw me more as a mate than a friend and just didnt have those feelings for me. Partly I blame the fact that I am in my mid twenties and have never had a long term relationship, I just dont know whats expected of me!

I wonder if maybe I act a bit too much like a mate and not enough like a lady I suppose. I have no idea how I should continue on with this guy. Should I act less like a friend (e.g.steal his money/hide his xbox controller :P)?? In all seriousness though, any suggestions for how to act so he can see me as more of a girlfriend than a girl friend??

I really honestly think you must be joking? Seriously "I just dont know whats expected of me" & "any suggestions for how to act so he can see me as more of a girlfriend than a girl friend", sound like statements from around the 1950s, in which case I'd be advising you to brush up on your cooking skills so you can catch a man who'll support you and give you loads of babies.

But it's not 1950 though it's 2010 and honestly sweetie, if you have to change to make him treat you like a girlfriend then it's really not going to work anyway. I'm just so confused by your question really, what is wrong with acting like a mate with a guy you're seeing anyway, that's how I interact with mine anyway for the most part. As for acting more like a lady, do you mean having manners (which are nice) or being subservient to men (which isn't nice IMO)? I'm not trying to rip the piss I genuinely don't really understand what you are asking so forgive me if I am picking you up wrong.

Nevyn

I'm sorry but it seems he is just not that into you.
You could strip yourself of who you are and become the perfect stepford girlfriend and
it won't make enough of a difference. Yes it's sucks but at least he was honest with you.

LegacyUser

Ok guys, thanks for your feedback anyway.

Peggypeg

Ok, I've been thinking on your question. I still don't think I'm getting you completely so please ignore me if I'm picking you up wrong. I think the reason I'm so confused is that your partner defined that relationship as "great mates who fancy the pants off each other". I'm confused as that is how I see myself and my boyfriend and we're with each other over 3 years. Like what other way to define boyfriend/girlfriend? I mean you obviously have to enjoy spending time with them, hence the mates part and you have sex with them, hence the fancy part. What other way would you define it? Not to be too personel but were your sexual encounters with those guys successful, as in did you both enjoy it? Maybe if the sex wasn't great they then only see you as a mate? Sorry if I'm way off, I don't want to be giving you a complex but I'm really trying to understand this one. Please fill us in a little more.

Miss Fluff

ladylikeq wrote: »

He told me he felt guilty for not becoming more serious with me (I assume the whole gf/bf thing). We ended up having a big chat and got a lot out; he says he feels we have a different vibe than normal, more like great mates who really fancy each other, that he really enjoys this but it just doesnt feel like we're a couple. He kept saying he was scared to hurt me as he knows I've been hurt before, but also seemed scared to get into anything serious himself for fear of getting hurt. We decided yesterday to just continue as as we are anyway and see how it goes.

He essentially has laid it on the line that you will continue hanging out, you will continue having sex but with the disclaimer that you are not actually boyfriend and girlfriend. So essentially f8ck buddies who enjoy spending time together outside the bedroom. Which in itself translates as him wanting to have the option to keep his eye out for potential girlfriend material while you fill a gap as it were. Forget about being in your mid 20s and not having had a long-term relationship. That is not really related to what's going on here. You don't "need" lessons or tips on "how to be a girlfriend", that will come quite naturally to you when you meet the right guy. This guy is evidently NOT the right guy. If you are into him I'd cut him loose to be honest as right now he is not ready/able/willing to commit to anything and has explicitly said so. Don't hang around hoping he will suddenly see the light and change his mind.....they rarely do.

prinz

Thaedydal wrote: »

I'm sorry but it seems he is just not that into you..

Yes and no, could be that he is very into the OP, but not into the way she acts around him. If the OP acts the same around him as with others then yeah he's just not that into her, but a friend of mine had this situation before with an ex-gf that was very mature, responsible etc in work/with friends even when out with him, but when they were alone she acted like an over-excited teeny-bopper..

ladylikeq wrote: »

Should I act less like a friend (e.g.steal his money/hide his xbox controller :P)??

The OP needs to consider if she acts differently around her bf, more immature etc.

LegacyUser

Hi
I went out with a friend of mine - typical story, we got drunk and kissed, ended up going out together for a few months. I thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I'd met his friends and we had loads of fun. Until he came over to my house and said there was no "spark" between us and that we would be better as friends. It was a complete shock to me as I thought the relationship was very secure. I had also invested a lot emotionally in it as I had been through an awful breakup a few months before. He was also the first guy I slept with, so I was carrying a lot more of the emotional attachment than he was (I realised this post breakup).
I acted like a girlfriend to him, I cooked him dinner, dressed up with lingerie, we went on dates etc. I honestly think the "I see you as a friend line is BS, along with "its not you its me" and "you're too good for me". If he wants to dump you, he'll do it in a very black and white way and use whatever line softens the blow because he doesn't want to get into a big chat about your status.
To give you some hope, a month after I got the "friend" line dumping, I met my current partner. We're looking at houses this weekend, we've discussed haveing children and we're planning on spending our lives together, so I am 100% better off, even if the guy who dumped me didn't want me. If this guy doesn't want a relationship, move onto someone who does, and DO NOT get into a FB situation as its clear you want a boyfriend and not a fling. Find someone who wants what you want, trust me you are mid break up and its hard to realise there are other men in the world, but it will happen just not with this one.

LegacyUser

Peggypeg wrote: »

Like what other way to define boyfriend/girlfriend? What other way would you define it?

I completely agree with you! I was and am happy hanging out and enjoying each others company the way we have been. He seemed to be concerned that I wanted more commitment from him at this stage and stressed he was bringing up this point so I knew where he stood. He seemed to be worried about hurting me but when I pressed him he also said he was scared to have a girlfriend ad he's gotten so used to being alone.

I gave him a lot of openers to dump me during this conversation, as I seriously have no interest in being strung along again. He told me he "really really really likes" me "thats obvious" and that ideally he wants to press pause and continue as we are for a while.

Up to now we've been talking or texting every day (usually him initiating), still did yesterday. We see each other maybe twice a week, when we're together we have fun but we do couply stuff too; handholding all that jazz. Until he said this to me I thought we were slowly heading into something more serious but I wasnt pushing it.

Peggypeg wrote: »

Not to be too personel but were your sexual encounters with those guys successful, as in did you both enjoy it?

With the last guy? No the sex was dreadful haha! But with this current guy its fantastic, he's said so many times and i agree. So I dont think its the sex.

I suppose in asking the above question, I was wondering whether by being pally and accepting and allowing him a certain amount of freedom, I was kind of killing any potential romantic feelings because I am being too detached. So I was curious if any of that behaviour would be detrimental to a romantic relationship?

I'm starting to understand that it may not be my behaviour though, which encourages me, thanks guys.

LegacyUser

Oh and in response to Prinz, I guess I act the same as I do around my other friends really. I guess I could probably be a bit more composed. By which I mean not laughing as loud, or joking around as much. Thanks thats good advice.

newmember2

Sounds like he wants the friendship and sex but doesn't want to think, or you to think, that the relationship is leading anywhere.
Sound like he's prepared to use you while he's waiting for 'Ms Right' (whoever she is).

If you're more of a friend to him, what's his idea of what a girlfriend/partner should be like?

You can tell him there's a clue in the name - G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D!:)

LegacyUser

ladylikeq wrote: »

Oh and in response to Prinz, I guess I act the same as I do around my other friends really. I guess I could probably be a bit more composed. By which I mean not laughing as loud, or joking around as much. Thanks thats good advice.

Its not good advice... you shouldnt ever have to change how you act naturally to please someone else.

You are who you are, dont change it just because some guy might not like it...especially something as trivial as what you mentioned.

prinz

nononnononon wrote: »

Its not good advice... you shouldnt ever have to change how you act naturally to please someone else.

It is if she's already acting differently around him. It can happen subconciously, that someone tries to hard etc. Just something to reflect on, especially someone not experienced in long term relationships. My advice was to act naturally, and not to think too much into trying to be the girlfriend.

LegacyUser

I don't really know about this? What I get from the post is that the boyfriend is somewhat loving of her "He's getting a different vibe". It speaks volumes when you say you have talked deeply and meaningfully. Every LTR I've had started the usual way. Went on dates, got to know each other and then made some sort of a connection where we were exclusive. Then comes the beautiful period where sex is on tap and you are at it all the time, this although really great it clouds a lot of emotion. It confuses things. I have before straight out asked and have been asked "We're not just really good friend who like to f*ck alot are we?". Just keep it on auto-pilot(be the same you) would be my advice and see what happens. It's tough but just make sure both of you's know exactly where you stand in that case I lessens the chance of somebody getting hurt.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I guess I need to consider all of your views for a while. It really helps to get others opinions on the situation. I suppose it may not be changeable behaviour of mine thats the issue here. I've just been hoping I had some hope of changing the situation and not just leaving it to chance but I think I will simply have to do so and be prepared for whatever happens.

Liam Byrne

ladylikeq wrote: »

Until he said this to me I thought we were slowly heading into something more serious but I wasnt pushing it.

ladylikeq wrote: »

Have been seeing a guy just over 2 months now.

What's "more serious" after only 2 months ?

If you were thinking this way, he could have picked up on it, and tbh 2 months is far too soon to be thinking "more serious" than what you've described, which sounds perfect to me. There are the occasional exceptions, but proper relationships usually take far longer to establish and evaluate if they're likely to be long-term.

I had that same thing said to me by my first boyfriend. We had been mates beforehand and when we started going out, he complained that I wasn't 'acting like a girlfriend'. He thought that I acted too laddy and matey with him, that I slagged him too much and that it was too much like being mates :rolleyes: I think he was being ridiculous - he had an idea in his head of what a girlfriend should be and wanted me to conform to it. As time went on, he basically revealed himself to be a sexist pr*ck who really wanted a pretty girl on his arm and in the kitchen cooking him dinner. I was in a pretty low place confidence wise when I met him and eventually came to my senses two years later. About a week after we broke up, he started seeing this other girl who seems weak and submissive and bakes cookies for him while he lies on the couch. They're moving in together now and she seems perfectly happy to be treated like and act like a silly, dimwitted little girl despite having an advanced degree. Some people just have really odd, fixed idea about what constitutes a 'girlfriend' and how a girlfriend should act and behave. I think it's a major sign of insecurity and usually sexism.