Is a little jealousy healthy?

LegacyUser

Okay, so I'm in a relationship for nigh on 3 years, delighted, living together and very happy, we have our own lives but also enjoy our time together. All very nice and healthy! However, my OH has not a screed of jealousy, EVER! I think this is strange, I'm all for trust and am delighted he trusts me so much and vice versa, but certain situations over the last few years have certainly raised a flicker of jealousy in me, nothing chronic just that flare up you get if a woman is giving him the glad eye, chatting him up etc.. He's in a band so he gets this a lot more than he would if he was just a "normal" joe soap. Women are pretty much constantly seeing him in action then hunting him down online and adding him on facebook etc.. This used to bother me a lot more at the beginning of our relationship, I've since realised that that's how it's going to be with the job he does, public eye so to speak, and he never puts a foot wrong. My quibble is this why is it just me who has/had these feelings in our relationship? This isn't a trust issue, more a "he's with me and I'm uncomfortable with you hunting him down" kind of thing.
A couple of weeks ago my ex boyfriend was in town, a lot of water under the bridge and it took me a long time to get over him, but we remained on friendly terms eventually, my OH encouraged me to go out for a drink with him, I told him he wanted to meet up and he was as cool as a cucumber with it. I was all set to have a quick coffee/spot with the guy, just so my boyfriend wouldn't be uncomfortable with the situation, but nope, that wouldn't do.. Told me to go out on the town with him and to enjoy it. Now, I was happy enough because on the one hand, I do remain fond of my ex and it was great to meet up without worrying but on the other hand I really don't think I'd be estatic with my OH doing the same, I wouldn't stop him, but it would make me pretty uncomfortable.
What do you guys think? Usually you have a habit of hitting the nail on the head!

krudler

Er, wow thats probably a first, I dont know many people who actively encourage their partners to go out on a night out with their ex, fair play to your boyfriend I wouldnt be very comfortable with it, and i doubt my missus would either, i wouldnt have an issue with her speaking to her exes, i rarely ever see any of mine but if i bumped into one i wouldnt ignore them and would be polite to them(well some of them, some can go get ****ed ), but i wouldnt think of asking them for a night out either, that would be a bit strange, still though different strokes and all that.
You should be proud he isnt a jealous control freak, which a lot of men (and women) are but I get where you're coming from, everyone has that tiny bit of jealousy in them, it at least shows you want the other person, and that you care enough about your relationship to be annoyed if someone is encroaching into it, its an odd situation to be in, although I would ask yourself, would old feelings be dragged up by heading out with your ex? add a night of drinking into the mix and it could get strange, Im not implying you would do anything of course, but with exes it can be a tricky situation

Liam Byrne

If I was in a stable relationship I'd be like your b/f, tbh.

An ex is - believe it or not - less of a "threat" than a random newcomer; been there, done that, exes for a reason.

But if someone wants to go off with someone, then you're better off without them. Better for it to happen now than later.

So trusting is win-win.

However, if I thought I was being "tested" for a reaction, I'd be quickly single.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying, glad it's not just me who thinks it's a tad strange. He didn't shove me out the door or anything, but was very comfortable and chilled out with the whole situation. There's no fear of old feelings, we used to meet up quite regularly when he still lived in the same area and nothing ever happened nor did we want it to, we've drifted into the realm of friends, he left just before I met my partner. I think it's wonderful that he trusts me but I know if it was him off out on the tear with an ex there'd certainly be an element of jealousy on my part, and I would have happily grasped at the coffee option, to me this is normal when you love somebody. I mean since we've been together I've had the odd hairy eyeball from other men here and there and he never bats an eye! He's not supremely confident in himself and can be terribly insecure in other aspects of his life, but never ever feels insecure where I'm concerned. I don't want him to be a gibbering wreck or a control freak, I had one of those before and never again! Its really just a quest for opinions..

LegacyUser

So trusting is win-win.

I agree and I'm pleased he does, as I do him, I know he'd never do anything to hurt me and he feels the same about me. I was just wondering would anyone else feel completely and utterly comfortable if their OH was meeting an ex for a night on the tiles..

However, if I thought I was being "tested" for a reaction, I'd be quickly single.[/QUOTE]

God no! It's not a testing situation, I enjoy this ex's company but could go one end of the year to the next without any major contact.. I'd never go out with him to piss off my OH and if he had been really upset with it I would've sorted something out,, ie him come along etc.. I'm not saying I wouldn't like a "mild" reaction, a mild one mind! But nothing is certainly better than raging jealousy.

Bottle_of_Smoke

he might be hiding it well. I'd say most of my exes would describe me as non-jealous. Little do they know!

BobbyOLeary

OP, some guys are like that. A little jealousy is healthy, as is none. I know myself that I'm happy with my girlfriend meeting her exes. I wondered one day should I be jealous about the whole thing but then I copped that I'm better than these guys and that she's with me now, not them. Maybe your OH thinks like that?

You say he's not terribley (sp?) confident in himself, but maybe he's perfectly confident in you? Don't let it bother you that you feel a bit uncomfortable about these things, it's perfectly normal. On the same point it's perfectly normal for your boyfriend to be entirely comfortable. Really though, just talk to him and tell him how you feel about the whole thing. It won't make him suddenly jealous but it might help you in being concerned about the whole thing.

krudler

Liam Byrne wrote: »

If I was in a stable relationship I'd be like your b/f, tbh.

An ex is - believe it or not - less of a "threat" than a random newcomer; been there, done that, exes for a reason.

But if someone wants to go off with someone, then you're better off without them. Better for it to happen now than later.

So trusting is win-win.

However, if I thought I was being "tested" for a reaction, I'd be quickly single.

I think a lot of people would see the ex as a threat purely for the same reason, been there, done that, can do it again with little or no effort in some situations, like everything in life its easier the second time round, with exes you've already been together, obviously had a sexual connection or attraction, and that may be still lingering in the background,however much we'd like to deny it, if that makes sense.

I get what the op means though,if you were in a bar and someone was chatting you up and your oh didnt bat an eyelid, you might think if they're not even bothered that someone is lusting after you, its nice to think they want you to themselves in that way, but as long as its not a trust issue then you should be glad he is open to you being able to talk to your ex

Liam Byrne

krudler wrote: »

I think a lot of people would see the ex as a threat purely for the same reason, been there, done that, can do it again with little or no effort in some situations, like everything in life its easier the second time round, with exes you've already been together, obviously had a sexual connection or attraction, and that may be still lingering in the background,however much we'd like to deny it, if that makes sense.

I know where you're coming from, but there are exes that I've had where (a) there was nothing majorly "wrong" but it turned out we weren't suited, or grew apart, or had different goals - and so we're still in touch/friends because the non-work-out doesn't mean either of us are bad people or don't have non-couple things in common, and (b) "what the feck was I thinking?"

Even the (c) option - where someone's dumped you and what you say might be applied; it's sad enough if someone doesn't have enough respect for themselves or their partner to say "tough - you had your chance and I'm with someone else now".

So in my book, exes are primarily non-threats. And even for the 1% doubt and chance that someone would go off with one, why worry ? If they'd do that then you're better off without them - worrying would solve nothing and would only create issues where there weren't any.

And my point is that there would be no attraction in either of those, whereas a random stranger who started flirting with you might be a potential different story.....even though I still wouldn't act on it, it would still be - if I can phrase it "more appealing or more likely".

Little Acorn

I think that you're boyfriend realises that you put up with all the female attention he gets from being in a band(getting chatted up, women constantly searching him online and adding to facebook etc.),and has rightfully decided that it would be very unfair of him to have such a double standard as to act jealously if you were getting chatted up whilst out.
I'd say he appreciates your lack of possesivness and jealousy,and is treating you equally well.
He's not bothered by your ex,so I say he just trusts you and feels very secure together.
Sounds like a good relationship to me,and he seems like a great boyfriend.

Peggypeg

Bitmiffed wrote: »

Okay, so I'm in a relationship for nigh on 3 years, delighted, living together and very happy, we have our own lives but also enjoy our time together. All very nice and healthy! However, my OH has not a screed of jealousy, EVER! I think this is strange, I'm all for trust and am delighted he trusts me so much and vice versa, but certain situations over the last few years have certainly raised a flicker of jealousy in me, nothing chronic just that flare up you get if a woman is giving him the glad eye, chatting him up etc.. He's in a band so he gets this a lot more than he would if he was just a "normal" joe soap. Women are pretty much constantly seeing him in action then hunting him down online and adding him on facebook etc.. This used to bother me a lot more at the beginning of our relationship, I've since realised that that's how it's going to be with the job he does, public eye so to speak, and he never puts a foot wrong. My quibble is this why is it just me who has/had these feelings in our relationship? This isn't a trust issue, more a "he's with me and I'm uncomfortable with you hunting him down" kind of thing.
A couple of weeks ago my ex boyfriend was in town, a lot of water under the bridge and it took me a long time to get over him, but we remained on friendly terms eventually, my OH encouraged me to go out for a drink with him, I told him he wanted to meet up and he was as cool as a cucumber with it. I was all set to have a quick coffee/spot with the guy, just so my boyfriend wouldn't be uncomfortable with the situation, but nope, that wouldn't do.. Told me to go out on the town with him and to enjoy it. Now, I was happy enough because on the one hand, I do remain fond of my ex and it was great to meet up without worrying but on the other hand I really don't think I'd be estatic with my OH doing the same, I wouldn't stop him, but it would make me pretty uncomfortable.
What do you guys think? Usually you have a habit of hitting the nail on the head!

Hey OP,

Wow your boyfriend sounds AWESOME! He's trusts you completely and is very confident in your relationship and in himself by the sounds of it. That is rare, hold on to that one!!!! It is perfectly natural to have a wave of jealousy every so often and I know what you mean when you say "This isn't a trust issue, more a "he's with me and I'm uncomfortable with you hunting him down" kind of thing. I get that when other girls "sniff around" my boyfriend to bring it down to animal instinct basics! It's ok to feel like that and understandable I think. Now while it's ok to feel that, it is however, not ok at all to act on it. You say yourself that he has never put a foot wrong, he's obviously well deserving of your trust. My advice would be to continue trusting your boyfriend as much as he trusts you, by the sounds of it you have a very mature, loving, trusting and strong relationship. Enjoy that lovely relationship and when you feel jealous give your man a hug and remember that you're the one he loves and you're the one he's with and any little jealous feelings will be well managable.

With regards to feeling maybe a little bewildered by his lack of jealousy well either he hides what little bit he feels or he is just supremely confident that you deserve his trust, that is a lovely, lovely, thing for your boyfriend to feel about you. I'd say he might feel a weeny bit jealous when other guys eye you up but he can obviously overcome that, if he actually does feel that at all. Seriously OP if that is your biggest problem in the relationship then you guys have an beautiful relationship. My advice would be not to analyse the relationship so much as it really sounds that it is a very good one and it would be a shame to make an issue over something that really isn't an issue at all.

Best of luck Sweetie.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your replies/comments.. I often lurk around these boards, and enjoy the comments and usually helpful advice.
And PeggyPeg, thanks for your post, you're dead right, if that's the worst thing I've to come up against then I'm a lucky gal! I suppose for me the twinges of jealousy are a part of being in a relationship with somebody I love and for him, they're not! Well unless he is doing a pretty good job of hiding them.. Either way, I'm happy and hopefully we'll continue like this for a long time to come. I do have a tendancy to over think situations and it's a habit I'm trying to get out of!
Thanks again everyone x

LegacyUser

Its likely down to 2 things 1. hes not that into you (unlikely) 2. he knows he wouldnt have any problem getting another woman and doesnt need to worry! Thats my 2c worth anyway! I get the impression he is the dominant one in the relationship?

miec

Hi Op

Your boyfriend sounds very secure and personally I think no jealousy is loving, or even if they hide it, fair play. I have tended to attract the very jealous types and it's a pain in the arse. If you love someone you should trust them but also one should not entrap their loved one by making rules about who they can and can't see. From what you've posted you have a really sound boyfriend.

Tigger

all to long to read

i used to have no jealousey

then a girl who was supposed to be my girlfrien decided to spread herself around

now i haVE THE jealousy

mabey he just never had the bad realationship (baggage)