Cant be a partner to you

LegacyUser

My ex has announced he cant be a partner to me but can be a father to our seriously ill son. No reasons why......

I'm struggling to cope as well as doing all the donkey work that is involved in looked after a sick child who is going to suffer from life long problems

I have to see my ex almost every day. I cant move on like this. He is happy to play happy families when it suits him, wants to attend all my family events etc, turn up at my door when it suits him but doent want to be my partner.

Then when I try to set rules in place and ensure we stick to access times, he says im being difficult.

Ive made a big effort lately but i just cant win, I have no closure as I dont even know why he left. Its like the minute we had our son, he emotionally left (if you know what I mean)

I'm heartbroken

Peggypeg

Your OH sounds like a selfish f*ck:mad: to be quite honest with you. You obviously need space to get over this and move on. Him calling over unannouced isn't going to help you at all. My advice: Tell him he may only call over at the appropriate time, if he calls over other time just don't answer the door/phone etc. You've just had his child and you're going to be looking after him for a long time, he has selfishly told you he can't be a partner to you, that sounds to me like he just doesn't want to do the hard work and just pop in when he wants to see his son and therefore avoiding all the huge amount of work that goes into a sick child, (I have experience in this). You need to stop and consider only you and your son. It's obviously best for him that he has a dad but he needs a healthy and strong mother and you being left in emotional limbo never knowing when Mr Selfish F*ck is going to call over isn't going to make you strong or healthy either emotionally or physically. Start thinking of it like that and I'd say you'll have no problem putting your foot down and demanding that if you're going to raise his son, he can damn well follow your rules, seriously sweetie harden you heart and get strong real quick.

Best of luck Sweetie, my heart goes out to you.

LegacyUser

I'm trying very hard to be strong. We have been apart a year and I still feel no better

Im very stressed as I just cant seem to get any space from him to try and get my life together.

Ive no choice but to see him but at least he cud try make it a bit easier for me

Peggypeg

howtocope wrote: »

I'm trying very hard to be strong. We have been apart a year and I still feel no better

Im very stressed as I just cant seem to get any space from him to try and get my life together.

Ive no choice but to see him but at least he cud try make it a bit easier for me

Sweetie, that is just rotton. What a selfish bastard, honstly sweetie, you're well rid of him. Now, you seriously need to get on your high horse on this one, muster up some woman rage, he has done wrong, not you. You have every right not to have to talk to/see your ex every day. If it was me, I would tell him through text message: "For my own sanity and wellbeing I will not be in contact with you any more than necessary from now on. You may collect DS at the agreed time, if you call over/call at any other time I will ignore you" and then actually do what you say. If he continues calling tell him you are stopping visitation and he can bring you to court if he doesn't like it. The prehibitive cost of a solicitor should make him think twice, don't actually stop visitation but the threat will make him see you are serious about getting him out of your life. You are the one doing all the hard work alone, at the very least he should respect you enough to let you do it on your own terms.

Big big big hugs to you sweetie.

Emme

That's difficult. Is he paying maintenance for his son? You might not be able to make him help in a hands on way, but seek legal advice to see if he should be paying towards his son's upkeep.

LegacyUser

I should have said there is an access order in place,

Today he arrived again as son was unfit for access, no phone call, no text just him arriving.

He then started talking about court orders. I got so so angry having been decent enough to allow this man into my home and he starts talking about taking me back to court yet again. He didnt get far last time

I tried to explain how I felt (still love him) and that I need space and he said child is sick, he is entitled to come over and that he would be back tomorrow.

I told him I dont want him to come over again explaining that I cant move on if I have to see him nearly every day of the week. I was very upset while saying all this.


He is entitled to see his son, be a father etc but surely I dont have to put up with this.

PopUp

How often does he get to see the child under the terms of the access order?

Looking at it from his perspective - his child is sick. How would you feel if you only saw your sick child once a week?

On the other hand, if he has visitation rights every other day, showing up outside that time is really obnoxious.

There is a compromise and a 'happy middle' here OP, I'm sure of it. Try to talk to your ex when you are not upset or crying. If he wants more access time, try to give him that but it's only fair that in exchange he stops coming over to visit you outside of the agreed times.

LegacyUser

He sees his child several times a week due to the sheer volume of hospital visits as well as weekend access.

Its his horrible attitude that is upsetting me. He thinks its his right to turn up at my home whenever he likes. I spent thousands on court order so it was a complete waste of money.

He only wants more access on his terms. It has to fit in around his football, trips away, etc.

Recently I opened my home to him, let him in xmas all day, any other day he wanted and now its give an inch, take a mile

He had the choice to see his child every day but he chose to walk away and be a part time daddy.

I have no privacy whatsoever