How do i deal with my mother in law?

LegacyUser

i'm going round in circles in my head so i thought if i posted here i could get some perspective, maybe someone out there has a mother in law like this and give me some advice on how to deal with her!!

i've suffered depression before in the past but usually at a time i've been single so this current bout i'm in is different. i've done the GP thing and am on anti depressants for the last 5 weeks and have had my first session with a councellor. there's a few issues that i want to address and one of them is my partner's mother.

she's lived in the same parish all her life, shopped in the same village shop, gone to mass in the same church etc etc. she has only learned to drive in the last 2 years and that was just because her husband had badly broken his leg so she had to. she's never been out of the county let alone out of the country. she's never had a job outside the home, never wanted for money (they're so well off they can afford a new kitchen every 5 years, or more often ''if she's just sick of it''), she's never tried any food that isn't meat and spuds, never drank or smoked... i say these things because in a lot of ways my mother would be very similar. my mother has always been a housewife, likes ''local'' things but does have at least an INTEREST in things outside the locality, mam would reas newspapers and watch the telly, go on days out with her friends, etc etc and my mam would be over 20 years older than my MIL.

the thing that cuts me to the core though is not how different we are but just how little she accepts this. being in her company is a constant and consistent attack on my ''being different''. different because i shop in lidl/aldi/tesco and not the village shop, different because i rarely eat potatoes and i drink soya milk, different because there's books in our house, different because i have mad patterend mugs, different because our teapot has a funny slogan on it, different because i drive a purple car, different because my haircut is kinda funky... all the things that make me ''me'' if you know what i mean. she follows each and every snide comment about our house/my appearance/my taste with something like ''oh the local shop is good enough for me'' or ''i only pay bridie up the road a fiver for my wash n set and that's good enough for me'' or ''well i never read a book in my life and that's good enough for me''. she make comments about my hair, my weight, my clothes, my jewellry....it's like intellectual snobbery IN REVERSE!!!

i don't GET this. is she jealous? does she just hate who her son has chosen in life? i've never done anything or said anything that i can think of to insult her or the way she chooses to live, but it's getting increasingly harder to be in her company. the last few times she's called over or we've been invited over there i've feigned illness just to get out of it. she puts huge pressure on my partner for us to attend family occasions and while i never say that he can't go he does understand that some of the things we get invited to just isn't my scene so to speak, why can't she??

so sorry for the long post, i'm in tears typing it's just getting me down so much.

Lollipops23

Have you discussed it with your partner?I can't say that this wouldn't bother me,it drives me mad when people pass remarks on you and your life when they don't know you at all.

I reckon you need to try and fake the confidence you don't appear to have; as in,when she says "and that's good enough for me" answer back with a chirpy "ah you know me, i likes what i likes!" It's letting her know you're confident in your choices.

Silverfish

Her responses sound like she thinks you look down on her.

barbiegirl

MIL are always weird but it's up to you to take control of the situation. If she makes a comment and follows it with But it's good enough for me, say something like, yes but sure we all can't be the same, it'd be terribly boring. It's not insulting her, it's not being confrontational, it's just acknowledging the difference and moving on.
Depression does mean that things get to you that otherwise might not. Deal with the depression as you are doing, deal with your MIL, your man has chosen someone liek you not like his mum, keep that in mind, live your own life, but when you are over this bout, do try to attend as many family functions as possible, as you will find that if you give the family time, they will become, hopefully, another support system for you.
Best of luck.

theg81der

Hi Op! I think I can help you with this as my mother in law refused to speak to me for the first 2 years. We are now easily as close as mother and daughter.

I think maybe you need to be nicer and suck up a bit, ramming things down someones throat is never good. You know how you meet people you nod and smile even if you completely disagree with what they say, well I don`t usually bother either, but in this case you need to.

You need to tell her her dinner was lovely, get recipes, help wash up, say oh bridie in the local shop thanks I must try there, in my case help with the other kids if there are any, go shopping with/for her, offer to be helpful and supportive in any way you can. Then she`ll begin to think of you as honest, hard working and down to earth. After you`ve earned your place she`ll start taking you opinions on board and you might even be able to change hers.

I have a brother in law he`s with his fiance 11 years and my mother in law detests her but then she never picks up a plate after dinner or is there for her when she needs her and even thou she`s a doctor she doesn`t seem to be able to see a way to get on with my mother in law.

You have to put time into building this relationship it can be a great asset if you invest time and effort in it.

Ps sorry for long post I never seem to be able to say what I want concisely.

OS119

OP, your choice of hairstyle, teapot, car, supermarket, diet, clothes, reading materiel etc is no business of your mother-in-law - if she doesn't like it, and can't keep a civil tongue in her head while she's in your house she can fcuk off.

i would suggest a serious conversation with your partner, he is the person best placed to 'control' his mother - by which i mean has a word with her about her manners, and then escalates if she continues in her behaviour - if he refuses to do so, despite the obvious (it will be obvious when you tell him about it) hurt it causes you, then you face a rather stark indication of the worth of your marriage to him.

you are not asking him to choose between you and his mother, you are asking him to choose between you and his mothers bad manners. you are not an 18th century serving wench to be criticised by the lady of the manner, you are an adult, in your own home, and you have the absolute right to demand that anyone - anyone - coming in to your home treats you with respect. if they can't do that then they can leave, and it doesn't matter if its the Gas man, a double-glazing salesman or a woman your husband used to live with.

paperclip2

I dont think its about choosing tbh. It sounds to me like she is a tad insecure around you and instead of looking for common ground she has gone on the defensive.You describe her as quite parochial with a very narrow world whereas you sound quite different and more cosmopolitan for want of a better word.:)

I'd try Theg81der's approach for a while and see how that goes. Let her get to know you. Develop a thick skin about the 'Bridie up the road' comments. Dont rise, dont get upset, be interested in her world even if you have to fake it for a while and chances are she'll come round.
Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

op here

thanks so much for the replies, and advice everyone.

i have discussed it with my partner, a few times in fact. the first while all i got in response was ''ah that's just her, don't mind her'' which i accepted and lived by - for a while. when it started getting me down more because her comments were getting more personal and more hurtful i tried again and - it's frustrating because he does see what her comments do to me and he does agree that she's bang out of order, it's like he's afraid to say anything to her. she's a queen bee in her house if you know what i mean - she pontificates and bosses her husband and my partner's siblings so it's like he's afraid to 'upset mammy'.

as for making an effort with her, i don't see how i could make much more. in the beginning i offered to drive her places, take her out shopping to the local ''big town'', bring her out to a play/cinema whatever - she never wanted to go. it was always ''ah sure why would we need to leave the village'' kinda thing. when we're at her house i'll help with the dinner, offer to do the dishes, make the tea, but it's always ''no you sit down you're the guest''. i'll make her things i know she likes and bring them over - like apple tarts and sponge cakes but she never likes them, ''it wouldn't be as nice as the gateaux one would it?'' was the reply to the swill roll it took me f*cking hours and 2 attempts at!!!! the last time they came over for dinner i made the blandest most tasteless thing i could imagine so she's like it - bacon and cabbage and mash. she didn't like the bacon because it was too salty, she didn't like the cabbage because it was too white.... i cried after they left that night and i suppose i've been crying since.

i don't look down on her either - i understand that she wants to live in her little bubble of 5 square miles, i fully accept that she like this way of life, i join in and say ''sure yer right, there's never any parking in town anyway'' and things like that. but i think just as much as i accept that's the way she is maybe i should just accept that she hates me and i'll never be able to please her?

krudler

I'd leave her to her own little insular life and just get on with yours, some people are happy to never see the world or expand their minds past whats in front of them, I couldnt go through life never having visited another country or seen another culture, but thats just me, she needs to realise that what ok for her in her little bubble isnt for everyone, and you dont need to pander to her either, dont be afraid to show you ARE different, if thats what your partner loves about you then thats her problem to deal with, not yours to try and hide from her and her small minded view on life

Silverfish

Silverfish wrote: »

Her responses sound like she thinks you look down on her.

I agree. And I'm not saying it is because you look down on her. Some people are just so insecure and think anyone they perceive as being more educated or well off than they are is looking down on them. Most of my mother's side of the family are like that and it's so irritating. Barbed little comments about how they're glad they didn't waste four years in college for a 'piece of paper', or how it's so silly to spend a fortune flying to Asia when I could've gone to Tenerife for fifty quid or how ten quid Penneys boots are as good as expensive ones. They do it to my parents, me and my brother and sister all the time, even though none of us are remotely snobby or stuck up. They act like I think I'm so cultured and different because I speak a few languages, like to cook different dishes and enjoy travelling, as if I have ideas above my station. It's just very thinly veiled jealousy and bitterness and fear of the unknown, but it's so toxic and negative. The only way I have found to deal with it is just to keep calm, acknowledge their comments and say something like 'oh really, well it's well we're different people then, isn't it?' or 'good for you' in a non-bitchy tone. People like this are looking for a reaction, hoping you will insult them back. Don't give her the satisfaction.

OS119

milissue wrote: »

op here

thanks so much for the replies, and advice everyone.

i have discussed it with my partner, a few times in fact. the first while all i got in response was ''ah that's just her, don't mind her'' which i accepted and lived by - for a while. when it started getting me down more because her comments were getting more personal and more hurtful i tried again and - it's frustrating because he does see what her comments do to me and he does agree that she's bang out of order, it's like he's afraid to say anything to her. she's a queen bee in her house if you know what i mean - she pontificates and bosses her husband and my partner's siblings so it's like he's afraid to 'upset mammy'.

OP, i read the bit about what she said to you about your cooking, in your house, and i wondered why your husband didn't throw the bitch onto the street.

seriously.

what your MIL thinks of you is an irrelevence, what matters is your husbands refusal either to tell her to shut the fcuk up in your house, or to stop inviting her. you don't need to go to hers, you don't need to have any relationship with her at all - if you husband wishes to thats fine, but what he may not do is bring a toxin into your home that slags you down while he watches in embarrassed silence.

if he won't take action - either by confronting her about her behaviour or just stopping inviting her to your home - then you have two options: retaliate, slag down her parochial, bumpkin existence with every drop of venom you can muster, or taking his credit card and staying at some ridiculously expensive spa hotel whenever she puts her face around the door. he gets to explain why his wife isn't at the table, and to pay out €300 for your hotel bill - then you'll get a reaction.

i fear however that divorce is on the cards, if he'll not do anything about this situation then he couldn't give the faintest **** about you.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think it's quite sad that she feels the need to deliberately point out that it's good enough for her. She obviously has some sort of inferiority complex. I would just stick to buying, shopping and being what you want. Make a concerted effort to spend as little time as possible with her, laugh when she comments and let the rest go over your head. Definitely stop trying so hard and stop letting her get to you, or she is getting exactly what she wants from this.

You know her insular life and begrudgery is not based in an honest respect and understanding of two different people being just that. Some mothers just assume their son/daughter-in-law will be a miniature of them and consider any differences as some kind of veiled statement from their child that they aren't/weren't good enough. Your husband needs to let his mother know where the boundaries are in his home and with regards to how she speaks to his wife.

Talk it over and if he won't set the boundaries then just refuse to be present to hear the comments or let him cook, take the credit and see what happens when the insults roll in!

PeterGriffen

OP your MIL is being unbelievably rude. Your husband needs to start backing you up as it sounds like he is just not in your corner. You would be perfectly justified in getting confrontational with her, if she ever slags off your reading habits again just say "Well never reading a book certainly wouldn't be good enough for me.". No matter how nice you are to her, she is always going to put you down. My sister in law is the same way, always sulking and would try to make you sound stupid if you said anything at all, yet she is a complete idiot. She thought December 22nd was the longest day of the year. I tried to be nice to her for so long and she just insulted me and shouted endlessly. Eventually I lost it and started shouting back at her and pointing out whenver she says something stupid and now she is much more respectful. You have to stand up to your MIL. If you keep bending over backwards for her, she will just destroy your self esteem. Also, tell your husband to act like a husband and start backing you up.

LegacyUser

i get the impression that you see your MIL a LOT and i imagine that you have been overexposed to her and her silly ways.
i don't see why you are bothering to seek affirmation from a woman who is clearly pig ignorant if she can't bring herself to compliment a swiss roll you went to the bother of making.
i agree with os119 and petergriffen about your other half's role in all of this. it sounds like he is "keeping his powder dry" to use a fairly outdated phrase. he is not going to annoy her but she can insult and upset you no problem without his intervention. you definitely need to thrash it out with him and make him see he needs to support you on this.

in the short term i think keep your distance from her, don't look to her for affirmation.
there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, as she knows she is getting away with the pointed comments.
when you are in her company if she makes a pointed remark to you i think you should pick her up on it, not in an accussing aggressive way but maybe an "excuse me? what did you say?" let her repeat the remark and say "i heard what you said, i just can't believe you would say that to me!" and take it from there i.e. "when you say xxx about my cooking it makes me feel xxxx after all the effort i put in". let her apologise to you and maybe she'll think twice before making a snide comment to you again.

LegacyUser

OP I really feel for you, it's not a nice position to be in

Your MIL definitely sounds like she's got an inferiority complex. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can't change someones opinion of you when they have such a big chip on their shoulder. She probably wanted her son to marry some local girl and live happily ever after in the little village and now that you've taken her son away from her, she doesn't like you and is jealous. Not nice to hear but this is probably what goes threw her head

If I was you, I would definitely have it out with your husband. He has to sit down and tell his mother that this is really upsetting you and it's not on. I don't understand why he already hasn't done this and imo he is being very selfish in the way he is handling it all.

Demand that he sorts this out and if he refuses to talk to her, I think you know what you need to do because by the sounds of it you're a very nice person and deserve better

theg81der

I would still opt for keep your head down, work hard and prove yourself. If someone says - no your the guest you still just get up, doesn`t everyone know that?

My MIL is very similar to yours she`s afraid to go to Dublin, which I slag her about now, but its because she won`t know her way around and she`s afraid of gettin lost.

And she still slags my weird food like indians and things but I learned exactly how to cook her weekly meals (could set your watch by what she eats every week and at what time) and I just use her recipes to the letter so can`t go wrong and when I do cook she says thank you and how nice it was. I would stick up for myself in a nice way thou, I wouldn`t just stand there and take abuse thou.

Your husband is not going to stick up for you, forget that, and I wouldn`t ask him to, thats his mother. You wouldn`t want to be stuck in the middle of the two woman you love most in the world. Also maybe he secretly wants you to learn his mammys food so you can make it for him, again my experience irrelevant if your hubby`s a wee bit more advanced but mines of the old fashion barely able to make toast variety.

OS119

theg81der wrote: »

I would still opt for keep your head down, work hard and prove yourself. If someone says - no your the guest you still just get up, doesn`t everyone know that?

My MIL is very similar to yours she`s afraid to go to Dublin, which I slag her about now, but its because she won`t know her way around and she`s afraid of gettin lost.

And she still slags my weird food like indians and things but I learned exactly how to cook her weekly meals (could set your watch by what she eats every week and at what time) and I just use her recipes to the letter so can`t go wrong and when I do cook she says thank you and how nice it was. I would stick up for myself in a nice way thou, I wouldn`t just stand there and take abuse thou.

Your husband is not going to stick up for you, forget that, and I wouldn`t ask him to, thats his mother. You wouldn`t want to be stuck in the middle of the two woman you love most in the world. Also maybe he secretly wants you to learn his mammys food so you can make it for him, again my experience irrelevant if your hubby`s a wee bit more advanced but mines of the old fashion barely able to make toast variety.

hi, is that Eamon De Valera?

gimme5minutes

theg81der wrote: »

I would still opt for keep your head down, work hard and prove yourself. If someone says - no your the guest you still just get up, doesn`t everyone know that?

It's not 1950, the op doesn't have to 'prove' herself to some narky auld biddy who's treating her like crap. The op has been very nice to this MIL all along and has got it thrown back in her face multiple times. This woman is a bitch plain and simple. Just because she is mother of the op's husband it gives her no right to treat the op like dirt. I think you should just avoid this woman as much as possible op and if she comes out with anymore hurtful remarks tell her straight to her face that she is out of order and that you won't be treated with disrespect.

theg81der

Op in light of the last two posts I`d like to add - I take it you posted here because you would like to get along with this woman since your going to be stuck with her for a very very long time?

This is not a normal situation of course, if it was just like everone else I would chime in with how dare she etc but thats not helpful. Since Op`s MIL thinks its the 1950`s and you have to find a way to get on....any alternative suggestion?

I think the Op`s MIL is extremely unconfident and the only positive role she aligns herself with is Mother, cook and care giver. She possibly didn`t have any oppurtunity to be educated and is embarrassed and threatened while confronting her own issues. Clearly this is unconscious and emerges in this terrible behaviour towards the Op which I bet she doesn`t inflict on anyone else.

Blame game is not going to help anyone. MIL`s as I see it are a great asset and I love mine to bits but it took time and effort to get there.

deisemum

theg81der wrote: »

MIL`s as I see it are a great asset and I love mine to bits but it took time and effort to get there.

I disagree with this, however SOME MIL's may be a great asset

theg81der

deisemum wrote: »

I disagree with this, however SOME MIL's may be a great asset

Did you read my first post? my MIL didn`t actually speak to me for the first 2 years if I can turn it round to her absolutely doing anything for me now theres hope for anyone. And if they live close she could really help the Op when she has kids (maybe she already has or doesn`t want to I don`t know) or give a hand or whatever. You never know when you will need family you can`t say whats around the corner.

deisemum

I did read your post but not ALL MIL's can be turned around despite how DILs try. Yeah some can but not ALL and some don't even want to try.

K_P

OP, your MIL isn't likely to change. Ok so one poster here managed to turn things around with her MIL but I'd imagine that's rare and you're likely to go insane in the process of trying.

Try to accept that she won't change and her comments, though very hurtful and seemingly personal, are no real reflection on you. She has a problem with everything beyond her 5 square mile comfort zone. No amount of cooking to her specifications or agreeing with what she says or whatever will win her over. And you could easily lose your own identity in the process.

When she insults something about you or that you like, just brush it off with "Ah well, I like it" or as someone else suggested "Wouldn't life be very dull if we all liked the same things" or something equally non-offensive but dismissive.

The problem is with her, not with you. She's not going to change and once the two of you can get on reasonably well and be civil to each other, then accept that as the best you're going to get and be happy that it's siginificantly better than a lot of people have with their MILs.

carolinespring

Ok OP, as someone who has a MIL who dose not like me very much ( or herself ) she always looked on me as someone she felt was to big for her boots and would always make digs at me. We live in a small town and she could not wait to run me down to anyone who would listen. My husband spoke to her about it and all he got was a guilt trip and to be honest it was not worth the hassle. We both work hard and eat out a fair bit, go on nice (often cheap) holidays, we both read a lot and like music, plays etc. Anytime we said we were going/doing anything we got th "its great to have the money to do they, you must think you are bank managers, everyone will be talking about the show you are making of your self" I would lose it with her and just end up really uset and it wasnt worth it.

James and I are together 10 years and married 5 years and the run up to our wedding was fun. We didnt have it in the local hotel and not a church wedding as I am not RC. You should have seen the face on her. Anyway we clashed so much and I am outspoken so everytime she ran myself or my husband down I lashed back. Anyway, one day talking to my friend Paul-anne and she said she used to have the same thing with her MIL and I had to treat it like a war to be won one battle at a time!!! so the we formed a plan... everytime she ran down anything thing we bought, I would say I really wanted a teapotsofa/jumper like yours but could not fine it anyplace, this was the best I could get, when I got a dig about holidays and money, I would say how tired my husband and I were and we needed a break and donegal was working out much more costly and that she was so right about the rip off eating out here was. I told her how wonderful her hair looked and how I must try that hairdresser and never did of course. When she suggested something, I now say, thats a really good idea, I must look into that and totally forget about it the minute I am out of her house. Last march we took her, my mum, brother and his partner away for a weekend and made sure she tried a facial and had her nails done so now I dont get digs about doing them aymore, she will now say how much she enjoyed hers. It was the best money we ever spent. Things are 90% better and it is important to me that she and her son have some sort of mother/son thing.
My MIL is really a nasty so and so but I am winning the war one battle at a time and I never forget (as my friend told me) that I would not have my fantastic hubby without her. Again this year we are doing the weekend away with her and it will feel SOOO long but in the long run it is worth it.

We are now at the stage that when she is ill it is me she wants to stay in hospital with her as I am cool headed and will say and do the thngs sh wants.

I would say , when she goes on about the local shop say you must pop in, and tell ter how nice Bridie down the road dose her hair and that you must try her sometime and that you love her teapot etc. Make a big deal out of the wonderful dinners she cooks and how you wish you could do as nice a one

Make sure you dont let it come between you and your husband and remember she is his mum but YOU ARE HIS WIFE. I also find it helps when the MIL knows as little about our everyday life as poss, she really dose not need to know that you shopped in tesco today or are going out for dinner tomorrow night. Keep it simple and up the BS and it works.

At this stage I see my MIL about 2 times aweek and sit and talk total rubbish, I never stop talking while I am with her but would make sure I dont tell her anything much about our lifes and big up hers. Works wonders

If you want to talk more PM me.

Best of luck

bellitum

You must not let yourself get depressed.I bet there are thousands of people in Ireland with just the same problem. This is a generational and cultural thing. The world has changed rapidly. You have kept up with all the nice new things which have liberated us from our begrudging peasant past. You enjoy different food, holidays,lifestyle, books. You have more education. You look out on the world because of your experience. She looks inwards because of her lack of experience.
Your mil is insecure and jealous. She may not even realise this. She is persuading herself that she is the virtuous one. She sees virtue as doing things the way they were always done. She is parochial and insular. NOTHING drives people into a rage so much as other people reading books. It reminds them of their own inadequacies. Secretly people like this know they have missed out on something and are not philosophical enough to accept this and move on.
Fintan O'Toole and his father were recently interviewed on Miriam O'C's Saturday morning show. O'Toole senior was a bus conductor who was a voracious reader. He described being jeered at by his colleagues. He said 'It's amazing the hostility it provokes.' This is all the more dramatic in a family context.
People who 'boast' about their lack of education or how bold they were at school are usually secretly regretful that their educational experience was not different.
However, she is the Mammy. Briseann an duchas and all that. The rural mother is often a dab hand at manipulative martyrdom. Don't let it get to you.
I agree with Carolinespring. Keep the hubby out of it. you will be there after her. If you have children you will pass on your ways. The mother's ethos prevails in most Irish families. I wish you daughters. Daughters in law can be equally dreadful. There are such things as daughters in law who are insecure and even mils who are more outward looking than their dils.
Nil desperandum.

fionab2010

Oh dear, this sounds like my almost mother in law i escaped thank god pheww. Just kidding.
She was exactly how you describe your mil though, exactly. And i bet her golden boy son is just the bees knees ?
Well what i did was i took it, from the start i took every bit of it with a smile. this is a great quote to think of the next time you see her "a positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it may annoy the begrudgers enough to make it worthwhile" :P
I kissed some serious ass, when she said she liked buns with her tea from a special shop, god dammit the next week with her tea i presented her with her special bun, when she said i get my curtains here and they only cost so much, i asked her to bring me to have a shop around, i never bought any, but i acted interested. And you know what i never spoke to my partner about it, he loves his mum and will not hear a bad word about her and i knew this may cause problems between us.

Try to suck up a bit, not a lot, you are allowed to be your own individual but suck up a little with small gestures that mean something to her.You may be very surprised with the results. Within 6 months i was the best woman for her son and a lovely girl. I got in woo Don't get your back up that's probably the worst thing you can do, you will have this person in your life for a long time, so as with forming a relationship with your partner you need to invest time into mil. I think she might like you or want to like you but you avoid her and she is on the defensive with you.

Just be mannerly towards her, its a sign of respect, if she is old fashioned manners matter. And being polite and thoughtful toward mil is very important.

Oh and dare i say it, would you consider going to mass that's if you don't already? The old fashioned mil love young women who go to mass, the bees knees...:)
She will accept you, not to worry, you just start with one small thing and she will come around.
I actually understood her ways and smiled about things about her that bothered me at first, after a while i got her and she got me. We even shared a private joke or two that my partner was not in on and he didn't know what we were laughing about but he didn't care, he was brimming with happiness that we were finally on the same wave length...

I can feel where you are coming from with depression i have been there, i hope you feel better soon. Try to take things with a pinch of salt, you probably re think a lot that happens with her too. Maybe speaking to your counsellor about her may give you a second persons perspective on the things she says and does...a second persons experience or knowledge could really lighten your mind, i hope you talk to someone about this...and don't let it get you..i wish i could give you a hug..be strong and take care and go shopping for special buns :D

Good luck x