Relationship with dad

LegacyUser

Hi,

My relationship with my father has been on my mind lately. It's a long story.

My parents seperated when I was a toddler. I'm the youngest in the family and I have no memories of before my parents split or of living with my father. My older siblings do, however. My parent's marriage collapsed because of his alcoholism.

I have never had any kind of emotional connection with my father. It may sound insensitive but, to me, he's merely a sperm donor. He has never made any real effort to build a relationship with me and vice versa. He has tried to build a relationship with my older siblings and that has annoyed me in the past. However, I've got past that now and simply don't bother with him.

It was his 50th not that long ago but I completely forgot the date. One of my older siblings told me that they rang him on his birthday and talked to him. Since then he's added that sibling on FB and I'm waiting for him to add me (it hasn't happened yet and if it does, I won't accept him).

I've always felt like I've missed out on something by not having an emotional father. I have a step-father now but I'm far too old for him to have any influence on my upbringing.

I guess I just needed to vent all this.

Can someone give me any kind of advice? Am I at fault here? Should I try to make a connection with my father?

McChubbin

OP, you've just described my life. (Save for the FB part)
I grew up in the exact same situation and found it incredibly difficult to cope with having an emotionally crippled alcoholic for a father.

I know it's tough and although you say you no longer bother with him now, what kind of point do you think will be made if he adds you on FB?

There comes a time when you have to make tough decisions for the sake of your own personal wellbeing. If you find that your father's company only ever has a negetive effect on you, then my advice to you would be to sit down, talk it out and lay some old demons to rest.

If, however, this course of action gets you nowhere then you need to decide if you can endure a miserable father/child dynamic for the sake of "appearences" and "doing the right thing" or to cut all ties and stop wasting energy on person who will only sap it and cause you untold hardship.

If there is any small, miniscule hope of salvaging things, then by all means go for it but it it's only going to bring you more hassle in the long run, it's best to throw in the towel and keep him at arm's lenght.

I went through the exact same thing- saying I couldn't care less yet always vying for the attention he never gave me as a child (which is what you're doing when you say you're waiting for him to add you on FB) and after 16 years of forcing myself to form a relationship with my father, I'd had enough of the mind-games and power struggles.

It was too much stress in the long run and I ended up not speaking to him for two years. Nowadays, our relationship is civil but trivial at best.

I probably see my father once or twice a year, occasionally speaking to him every few weeks. It makes it easier to let go of the hurt and the pain by keeping the contact minimal and ultimately, it will be better for your mental health.

Life is too short to waste it on people who bring you down.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Sorry,

But i'm confused you are wondering about having a relationship with him, annoyed that he hasn't added you on facebook, yet won't accept him if he does ask you.

It's a possibility that with his addiction he feels he cannot offer you the emotional relationship you need and the fact your siblings obviously remembering a relationship with him have accepted him alcoholism and all. You need to really think what you need from this man if he is drinking heavily he might not be able to give you what he wants.

Sometimes no memories are better than painful memories.

Best of luck OP xxx