Need Relationship Advice

AnonyStudent

I have been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years now. We are both 20 years old and sophomores in college and started dating our senior year of high school. We have had similiar childhoods (not having the best parents, we now support ourselves without any help from parents.).

Lately, for the past few months, the relationship hasn't felt the same. We now fight over every little thing and we are constantly rude to each other, and it really stresses me out. I am constantly telling her that I cannot stand fighting over trivial things. Also, I do not feel like I am really attracted to her and we rarely have sex (maybe once a week), and when we do, I feel like I am forcing myself to do it to make her happy. Also, my girlfriend is not very social does not have many of her own friends. Any time I hang out with my friends I have to take her with me because A) she does not have very many of her own "girlfriends", and the ones she does have are my friend's girlfriends or my friends mutual girl friends and
most of her friends are my guy friends because she is always with me.

Now for the hard part:

We live together and are on a lease for a two bedroom apt until September of this year. If either of us moved out, the person stuck with the lease would not be able to afford the apartment without a new roommate. Also, I am the only one with a car and I am her main means of transportation (however, she does have a few people (mostly my friends), that give her rides while i am at work).

We have become best friends by spending so much time together and I think I would prefer us to be friends but this is hard because we have been through a lot together. It sucks because I would like to keep her as a friend, but I know things usually do not work out this way.

I feel like I am trapped in this relationship and that I would be happier being single (not to meet other girls, but to honestly find myself).

She also has a very low self esteem and I know that if I break up with her it would break her heart.

It is two weeks before Valentine's day.


Please, can anyone help me?

WesternNight

Right, so you've pointed out all the things that are wrong with her...how about you? Have you done your best to make the relationship work?

You clearly want to break up with her. I'd suggest not stringing her along any more. I'd also suggest you do her a favour and let her go completely when you do break up with her. Wanting to suddenly be friends right away isn't realistic and will probably only cause her more pain if she isn't on the same page as you.

AnonyStudent

Well, sometimes I am ruder than I should be. I can be very one-sided, I tend to become more frustrated than I should in certain situations, and I can be very irritable at times.

I am not trying to point out all of her flaws and not take any responsibility for the failure of this relationship. I was simply giving reasons why I feel that ending this relationship is slightly more difficult than "do[ing] her a favour and let[ting] her go completely when do break up with her.

We have tried many things to patch our relationship, we even had a "break" about a year ago because of the same issues we are having now. We talk all the time about how we hate fighting, yet, instead of it improving, it seems as though we are distancing ourselves from each other. We can sit right next to each other but we might as well be on two different planets.

I do love this girl, and she is a great girl, I just don't know if I am in love with her. I feel like I would be abandoning her if I broke up with her.

OS119

OP, the big problem appears to be that this isn't a relationship of equals, but one where one party is very reliant on the other - transport, friends, self-esteem...

obviously that makes it hard to break-up, you feel like you're being an absolute arse because not only are you deciding that you don't want to be with her - you are destroying all the other bits of her life that would normally be her 'safety net'.

however, thats her problem, harsh as it is - if you dropped dead tomorrow she'd be in the same position.

as for the flat - you could agree to do a runner, or one of you could move out and you get a flatmate, i would definately advise you not to try and live together after you've done the deed though.

LegacyUser

Mate,

I was you some time ago, didnt live in the same place but the other half was from down the country and (insert city here). She spent all her time out with my friends and for all the years we we're together she grew distance from her mates who were not connected to me.

Spent weekend upon weekend fighting and I was afraid of her being alone should I have ditched her. in the end I manned up and did it and she was gutted. I havent spoken to her since but I've seen her around with new gangs of friends etc, she'll be ok. You'd be surprised how many people come out of the woodwork when stuff like this happens.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I was in EXACTLY the same trapped place you are now. I was with a guy for 5 years even though I wanted out after 3, my biggest regret is that it took me 2 years to finish it. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for someone else because a) it's not fair to you and b) it just doesn't work.

You have to break up with her if this is how you are feeling, especially as it seems that this has been going on a long long time, all you'll end up doing if this continues is end up in a marraige you hate and bringing kids into a f*cked up family.

Do yourself and her a favour and get out now. I know it feels to you like she'll die without you BUT SHE WON'T. She'll have to learn to stand on her own two feet.

The very best of luck,
I'll hope that you find the strength to do what you really want to do.

AnonyStudent

Thanks, this really helped!