Finance and relationship issues - advice please

andydixon

I am a 29 yr old male who is on the depths of depression,because of financial issues and relationship issues.

Basically i am in a very strong two year relationship and all is going well on that front and the girl wants to marry me and have a future together which is all good. Now my main problem is that asi stand today if el very very financially unsecure and have no savings.. i was self employed in a family business and lost everything in the recession.. so i had to get a te,mp job at the moment to cover bills etc....my family has always been self employed and been financially in a good position but they have never managed it very well.. a couple of years back they decided to sell the busineses when times were good and got a large figure, wheich then they decided to purchase a large house which was a good idea at the time and re open a another smaller business and i was to work there..so a lot of money went into that..they invested the rest of the money in to shares etc.. And when the recession officially hit they lost all shares ans the business and the property is now worth half..i was left unemployed and dazed at all this.. this whole hing has caused a lot of grief and hard times within the fanily and both my parents are slightly depressed.. i can clearly see that and that are ALWAYS fighting and barely speak to each other cos one blames the other for various mistakes and bad decisions that were made dwn the line...i put my heart and soul into the new business and was working 7 days a week to do my best to keep it going and in the end they said it had to close because it was not making money.. i lost weight and was so stresses throughout the work cos i was worrid day and night how to keep it open, then when it closed you csn imagne how if felt.. now throughout thsese years i got a car loan for 9K and have a creditr card bill for 8k.. i spent a lot of money on the apartment which was over the business which was my home and i had to leave that and move home when we handed over the keys.. the reason i feel very depressesd and down today is a because im finding ahrd to meet them debts i have, i do have some temporary job which is not secure but it covers basic stuff..when we closed my car loan went into arrears by 2-3 months and it REGD With the credit bureau and i got a report to check that..i cant bear the thought of having bad histoey and not being able to get a loan or mortgage in the near future.. i managed to keep a level head al the time and keep my relationship going thank god.. she obviously knows just the outside picture but the truth is i have never been able to tell my gf about my financial affairs or my parents because its too demoralising and enbarrasing.. i don’t feel i need to do this.. as fas as she is concernded im a decent guy from a well off family and her family think the same.. she is very financially secure herself and has plenty of savings because she has always been that way..i have been doing my best to bvring her out and buy xmas gifts and be like a normal boyfriend because it would kill me for her to think that im not a man and not able to look after her..im due to get engaged very soon because i have actually managed to get a ring over the last few months and feel that it the right time to ask relationshiop wise..what worries me is that in 3-4 years time if i get married and we want to buy a house im scared the banks wont give me anything because of the bad record..to be honest i cant sit her down and emplain my deepest issues and financial ones..should i really have to to this?? After all its the person that matters ???right !!..

The other main issue thets killing me is that about 9 years ago i had a credit card with my mother as a second card holder and she used it a lot over the years and i got angery because it nwas never paid back only minumin payments etc.. when the time came thet thay were selling i assumed she wouls clear any debts she had including this stupid card.. low and behold she never did and the interest accumulated and now i got calls from mbna everyday and it drives me insane cos i tried to explain all that happened..i know its in my name and now in responsible for the amount.. i have tried to sit her down and tell her the mess she has put me in abnd she says" i have nothing what am i suppsed to do".. so today as it stands im livng at home and not speaking to my mother and am very very down and getting stressd out mentally and physically.. i really don’t know where to turn to anymore..

I would appreciate very genuine advice or comments

miec

Hi Op

First of I can see you have a number of problems here and I can see why you feel so overwhelmed, depressed and so forth, but I hope I can address as many of them of as I can.

I would start with your relationship, if you want a succcessful marriage with your girlfriend, two of the key successes of them are open communication and intimacy, (in this instance I am talking emotional intimacy). If your girlfriend is a kind woman who cares about you then you are denying her the right to help you, whether that is a listening ear or some other way, also you are hiding a huge chunk of your life from her. Women are very intiutive about these things, well those of us who care for our other halfs, she will know that you are troubled. If you tell her what is really going on with you, yes there will be a bit of shame admitting the situation, but you will relieve yourself of some pressure and she will appreciate your openess and honesty. If you think she will dump you for your financial troubles then you are having a lucky escape.

The second issue is the debts, I would urge you to go to MABS, they can help you develop a budget plan, liaise with your creditors and work out a payment plan that you can afford, and if your financial circumstances change then you can alter the plan. Make going to MABS your priority, they will also be able to help with your credit rating / history or to avoid bad debt.

Finally, in my opinion, your hardest issue and I hope not to cause you offence, but I will say it how I see it, your family, in particular your parents and their irresponsbility. It is too late to change the past re: their financial mistakes and bad business choices but I would urge you at some time to sever financial ties from them, your mother is being extremely unfair dumping her debt onto you, hence your outrage, it is not so much the debt but she is dumping her problems onto you and that is unfair. If you can I would say this to her and tell her you will not be in business with them again, I think family and business are a bad idea, it is too emotive. If you want to be self empoyed some time in the future do it of your own accord. If you can distance yourself from your parent's problems, they are not your issues and try to cultivate things that bring you relaxation and enjoyment and leave them to their issues, you have enough of your own. Also your mother chose not to pay you back when she had money and I am sure you are seething with resentment at that, the only thing you can do for future reference is never ever lend them money or help them out because they do not consider you and all you have done, so look after yourself from now on. I hope things will work for you Op.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Ok, first off, you should tell the girlfriend. If the situation was reversed, you'd want her to feel she was able to talk to you, right...? A relationship's built on trust and honesty, and by not telling her and sharing your fears, you're deceiving her in a way, right before the off. Get if off your mind before you go any further.

If she really loves you, she won't care about your finanacial situation. It's not why she wants to marry you.

Regarding you family, i think the best thing you can do is just try and calm any situations that arise. It wounds like they see a business going bust as being a failure, but isn't nessecairly the case. Sometimes, **** just happens. Bad decisions were made, yes, but sounds like it's time to admit, accept it, forgive it and move on.

theg81der

Sounds like a horrible situation Op. Have you tried going to MABS Money Advice and Budgeting Service? they have been alot of help to people who have debt problem, they might be able to talk to some of your creditors on your behave and negotiate.
Money is not worth getting this upset over Op, I know its easy to say but you have your health, your family and a wonderful woman who loves you. Its just a blip, in ten years it`ll be irrelevant and you`ll look back and see it was character forming.
You clearly have entrepreneurial traits and try to focus those on finding a way out of this mess. Don`t be afraid to look at the mess thou sit down add up all you owe, hopefully with the help of Mabs, and you can start looking at realistic ways of repaying it.
And as for your soon to be fiance I would tell her. You need the emotional support and this is the woman you want to marry give her the chance to help you through this.

tenchi-fan

I think you need to swallow your pride and discuss things with your girlfriend... and maybe get some financial sense

There's no point lamenting what could have been.. you are broke. But as they say - broke is temporary. But you definitely need to learn to live within your means. If that means tins of beans every day of the week, a payment towards your credit card, taking the bus and staying in, you'll just have to do it. Some unfortunates live their entire life like that.

Have you visited a MABS office to get budgeting advice, including how to negotiate payment terms with your creditors?
Why do you go out for meals and buy gifts when you're broke?
Is it cheap to run a car? What sort of car do you drive? Could you downgrade to something with cheaper tax, insurance and running costs?
Why did you buy an engagement ring when you had no money?
When are you considering getting married - it's a big expense. Even getting engaged can be expensive for some people.
Have you even cancelled your credit card?

Your girlfriend should understand that you are broke and if she's well off she might be able to help you out (I'm sure you'd help her if the show was on the other foot)

Ask you parents to help you out with the credit card bill, they could sell some of their shares even if they are undervalued. If they don't, well, too bad.. it's your problem so you need to solve it as a priority... what's the interest rate, 10%? 15%?

Living at home seems to be getting your down. You might just have to rent a room in shared accommodation for a while. It would be a good opportunity to learn how to live within your means, far away from your financially irresponsible and depressing parents.

Or even better (if your relationship is stable), suggest renting an (affordable) apartment with your girlfriend- you could easily manage by sharing rent and bills and she could make up any shortfall.

You're in a difficult situation. Your hardworking and intelligent so there's no reason why you won't be able to get yourself out of it.

andydixon

i have contaced mabs and they just listened and said to do a plan etc.. i have done that.. and they just said yeah the crecit card is in your name so its your problem etc.. i understand that. i am doing my best in keeping all bills covered and they are its just that i cant save by doing this..
as per previous post, i dont intend in getting married for 2-3 years etc.and i plan a simple engagement not something super luxuriou, i did manage to save over the xmas and put a deposit on a decent ring.. the waty i loook at this is. if i put off taking the next step in my life as in getting enageged and tryng to progess with my girlfriend.because of other situationas around me i could still be sitting alone in ten years.. so i am trying to think poistive and take a step forward.. i agree about talking to the gf, i dont know how to go about it and how much to tell her.. its very difficly belive me..as regards the mother.. i feel horribile bcuase i just cannot look at her and be the same with her as before..but at the end of the day she is my mother..i dont think i casn forgive her or forget it.. this prblem seems to be on the bottom of her list because she has a lot of problems to deal with in general and trying to establish some form of a business or income.. i wish she would understand my credit rating problem.. is there anything i can do regarding the ICB?
i have cut down on spending and dont go out much etc. so i am trying to deal with this bit by bit
and thanks for the replies, it sgood to be able to think clear..

tenchi-fan

Sorry Andy - Your priorities are all wrong.

The deposit on the ring is foolish when you're in such debt and not earning money. You said you "hardly ever" go out.. you shouldn't go out at all until you're out of the mess.

No one here can comment on your credit rating. You could get a credit rating search done but that would be a stupid waste of money. It won't make any difference anyway because you would need a steady, well-paid job and regular (substantial) savings if you want the bank to take you seriously when you apply for a mortgage.

You said you managed to save a bit over Christmas - what for? You are probably putting the money into a current account with a 0% interest rate. The interest alone on your loans is probably close to €2000 a year. If you're on the dole, one fifth of your income should be going to paying the interest alone on these loans. A more realistic payment is €6000 a year minimum, with the agreement of your lenders.

You should ask MABS for another meeting and take your girlfriend with you. Show her everything in black and white when you're with the adviser.

I won't bother you anymore . But you are definitely in denial at the moment.

andydixon

i i never said i was not earning no money at all,i do have a job but is not as well paid as my previous therfore i have less disposable income, i am dealing with the debts each month with an afforadable amount...as for going out, im not going out on piss ups or whatever you may bge imagining.. i go out one nightwith my gf a week and do something simple and at a low cost.. so according to you i should spend every last cent i have on making repayments and never ever leave the house.. dont you think thats a bit far fetched.. i will contact mabs again and revise the situation but at the moment i dont see what else i can do from my end other than keep working and pay my bills......

tenchifan wrote: »

Sorry Andy - Your priorities are all wrong.

The deposit on the ring is foolish when you're in such debt and not earning money. You said you "hardly ever" go out.. you shouldn't go out at all until you're out of the mess.

No one here can comment on your credit rating. You could get a credit rating search done but that would be a stupid waste of money. It won't make any difference anyway because you would need a steady, well-paid job and regular (substantial) savings if you want the bank to take you seriously when you apply for a mortgage.

You said you managed to save a bit over Christmas - what for? You are probably putting the money into a current account with a 0% interest rate. The interest alone on your loans is probably close to €2000 a year. If you're on the dole, one fifth of your income should be going to paying the interest alone on these loans. A more realistic payment is €6000 a year minimum, with the agreement of your lenders.

You should ask MABS for another meeting and take your girlfriend with you. Show her everything in black and white when you're with the adviser.

I won't bother you anymore . But you are definitely in denial at the moment.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

While I kind of agree with you here - there's no point staying in EVERY night and risking pulling yourself closer and closer to depression over this - I'm not sure you've managed it well.

You should really have told the GF before you put the deposit on the ring, but that's water under the bridge now. She might be happier with a fiancee she can love and trust than a piece of metal.

The problem here is pride, and I know it hurts. But you really need to share this with her and you have to do it ASAP. As much for your own wellbeing at this stage. Just call her round, sit her down and tell her that there's something she needs to know.

andydixon

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

While I kind of agree with you here - there's no point staying in EVERY night and risking pulling yourself closer and closer to depression over this - I'm not sure you've managed it well.

You should really have told the GF before you put the deposit on the ring, but that's water under the bridge now. She might be happier with a fiancee she can love and trust than a piece of metal.

The problem here is pride, and I know it hurts. But you really need to share this with her and you have to do it ASAP. As much for your own wellbeing at this stage. Just call her round, sit her down and tell her that there's something she needs to know.

i do plan on doing that when i found the right opportunuti alone.. as regards the ring, which reason do you think i should have asked, is it because she might say no or why??

she in intererested in making the reltionship more serious so thats a good thing. im sure with work and commitment things can progress. how does every other couple in the world mwork things out?..i mean i have a car and a loan. its slightly in arrears but im working on it and its surely a lt less of a amount then some people have in this country at the moment..i will kep working 6-7 days a week to sort my issues, i am only human and there is only so much i can do

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

andydixon wrote: »

i do plan on doing that when i found the right opportunuti alone.. as regards the ring, which reason do you think i should have asked, is it because she might say no or why??

she in intererested in making the reltionship more serious so thats a good thing. im sure with work and commitment things can progress. how does every other couple in the world mwork things out?..i mean i have a car and a loan. its slightly in arrears but im working on it and its surely a lt less of a amount then some people have in this country at the moment..i will kep working 6-7 days a week to sort my issues, i am only human and there is only so much i can do

I said about the ring because she might have been of the opinion that you're better off using the money you spent on the ring to pay off the loans, and she'd be just as happy to marry you. If she really loves you, she won't say no simply because of a financial problem - she'll want to help, and she'll want to halp as soon as possible.

As you said, lots of couples are in debt (some a hell of a lot more than you) but they works things out by being honest with each other and talking.

tenchi-fan

apologies op, i mistook what advice you were looking for & i read your financial situation to be a lot more dire than it probably is.

So here's my revised advice:

i can't help you on your credit rating query - maybe try a financial-related forum for that.

regarding your mother, is your father also on the scene? He is just as responsible for the credit card debt as your mother. I would suggest asking them both for help. pointing out that they could take out a lower interest loan in their own name or selling some of their shares (even if it means selling at a loss - it's not your problem, they owe you the money.)
They're at the stage of their life where there is little opportunity for them to make more money and they just seen their life's effort disappear so don't take it too personally that they're being miserly.

I would advise you to get out of home though, that sort of environment can't be healthy.

LegacyUser

Hi Andy,

I totally understand your situation. My family are also self employed and circumstances have changed significantly in the past couple of years. It is a tough time, but no doubt we will get through it. I am at my wits end myself and close to despair at times.

I think it is nice to get engaged, as you say you want to show your girlfriend your committement to her and marriage is a long way off. It would be nice if you could share your burden with her, as I am sure she would be happy to help out especially since you are planning a future together. However, I know of many relationships where the girl has no idea of how much trouble the guy is in financially, for whatever reasons.

Anyway, I just thought I would let you know that I recently did credit bureau checks for myself and my other siblings and I think they are a joke. Needless to say they were not a true representation of where we stood financially so to be honest I would not worry about it - most loans we had were not even registered on there. Try to come with some arrangement with the credit card company - tell them how much you can pay each month and then make sure to pay it. This will show a good record of you tackling the matter head on and then being consistent with payments. Thats all anyone can do.

Best of luck and I really hope things start to become easier for you.

Kidchameleon

OP you should really tell your GF, it would be a huge weight off your shoulder to not have to lock all this up. It makes you more of a man to be able to express your feelings and she'll be happy you told her rather than annoyed you dident.

Good Luck.