Bf change of opinion about kids

LegacyUser

Hey going unreg fo this.

I'm with my bf just over 2 years. He knows that I want kids when i'm older and has made comments in the past such as i'd love a whole football team. This is not something I plan for a few years down the line but due to possible fertility problems it is something that plays on my mind.

Anyways the other night we were just chatting light heartedly and kids came up nothing serious or heavy or anything and he turns around and says "Ah, I think one is enough for me". Now would be a good time to mention he already has a son from a previous relationship.

Am I reading too much in to this or has he changed his mind about having kids, I don't want to make a big deal about it in case it was just an innocent remark that was taken up the wrong way, but don't feel like I can just sweep it under the rug.

Any advice appreciated.

ManOfMystery

Whattosay wrote: »

Am I reading too much in to this or has he changed his mind about having kids

None of us here can really answer that, you're going to have to ask him. Communication is key

kittenkiller

Got to agree with the post above.

Just ask him!
Unless there are some more psychic posters on here than me.

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for your replies, I just want to be sure before I approach this because it's definitely a deal breaker for me if he's changed his mind.

Kiera

At least he wants one. Wouldnt it be worse if he decided he didnt want any?

Who knows how he'll feel after having one. Sure you might not even want more after having one......

Barracudaincork

Kiera wrote: »

At least he wants one. Wouldnt it be worse if he decided he didnt want any?

Who knows how he'll feel after having one. Sure you might not even want more after having one......

????? He already has one, a son from a previous relationship as the OP mentioned.

mood

But if he went from wanting loads to only one maybe he will say he want none in another two years!

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

But if he went from wanting loads to only one maybe he will say he want none in another two years!

That's true but im not prepared to spend years of my life with someone on the off chance they might change their mind, considering it could take a few years before we even get pregnant.

Kiera

Barracudaincork wrote: »

????? He already has one, a son from a previous relationship as the OP mentioned.

I meant with her.

Edit: ah i see now what he meant. I thought he only wanted one with "her".

LegacyUser

Nope just one.

Barracudaincork

Dont avoid the question just because you are afraid of the answer!!!

Not asking the question doesnt change things, dont think that by you not mentioning the no kids thing he wont be thinking he doesnt want kids. If he doesnt want kids, he doesnt want kids and asking him isnt going to change that. The only thing it changes is what do you do with his answer. If he says yup i want another one or two etc then sweet you both are happy. However, if he says he wants no more then you know deep down you do want some and this will be the end of your relationship.

Of course you dont want this relationship to end, you love him, enough to want to have kids with him, so its not easy to say its over, in fact it would be bloody hard, but if your desire is as strong as its suggests its the only way. Dont get it wrong its sh1t its like this, but you both are entitled to feel the way you feel.

As i said dont avoid the question, just because you are afraid of the answer!

theg81der

Op you need to ask, its obviously quite important to you. If he says he doesn`t want anymore you can deal with that then. Come back and let us know how you get on. Good luck

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Dont avoid the question just because you are afraid of the answer!!!

Not asking the question doesnt change things, dont think that by you not mentioning the no kids thing he wont be thinking he doesnt want kids. If he doesnt want kids, he doesnt want kids and asking him isnt going to change that. The only thing it changes is what do you do with his answer. If he says yup i want another one or two etc then sweet you both are happy. However, if he says he wants no more then you know deep down you do want some and this will be the end of your relationship.

Of course you dont want this relationship to end, you love him, enough to want to have kids with him, so its not easy to say its over, in fact it would be bloody hard, but if your desire is as strong as its suggests its the only way. Dont get it wrong its sh1t its like this, but you both are entitled to feel the way you feel.

As i said dont avoid the question, just because you are afraid of the answer!

Its not so much the fear of the answer its more a case of me not wanting to look like im making a big deal out of something that was said flippantly and might not mean anything.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Don't know if you could even call this an update. Myself and my bf went for a few drinks last night, we both had a good few on board. I know I should have waited until we were sober but I didn't. I asked him about whether he wanted kids or not and he said yes, he'd love some. WTF??? Am I being strung along or does he genuinely not know what he wants? I am going to speak to him properly about it later on, just feeling really confused so said i'd see what people make of it all.

theg81der

We`ll all agree to a host of hypothetical things to appease someone but I don`t think you`ll get a proper answer till your ready to actually start trying.

My OH did this to me, still is doing this nearly 10 years down the road - he does he doesn`t etc differs day to day and from how close we are to actually trying but I`v no kids yet so...just don`t make my mistake I did stick to your point get a firm answer and don`t let it be a running problem.

LegacyUser

Thanks Gider,

I said it to him last night(while sober). He said he does want kids but not until he's in a better place financially and settled, I must add he earns about 500e a week, has no debts, except a mortgage, and maintenance. His own home and 500e to me seems pretty okay financially, not rolling in it but okay I would think. I really am confused.

mood

Whattosay wrote: »

Thanks Gider,

I said it to him last night(while sober). He said he does want kids but not until he's in a better place financially and settled, I must add he earns about 500e a week, has no debts, except a mortgage, and maintenance. His own home and 500e to me seems pretty okay financially, not rolling in it but okay I would think. I really am confused.

You are only together two years so I can understand why he would want to wait. What is the hurry?

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

You are only together two years so I can understand why he would want to wait. What is the hurry?

I never said there was a hurry, I just wanted to know that he wanted kids. Plus he knows i'm facing possible fertility problems and that it could take time, I think i'm entitled to know the person i'm with is on the same page as me and wants the same things.

mood

But he told you he wants kids so you got your answer.

What age are the two of you?

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

But he told you he wants kids so you got your answer.

What age are the two of you?

What is your point?

mood

If you are in your 20s even if you have fertility problems you still have plenty of time. However, if you are in you late 30s I can see why you might want to start trying soon.

Why do you think you are facing fertility problems?

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

If you are in your 20s even if you have fertility problems you still have plenty of time. However, if you are in you late 30s I can see why you might want to start trying soon.

Why do you think you are facing fertility problems?

I never said I wanted to start trying soon, I just wanted to know where I stand with him and don't like been giving the run around. I don't wish to discuss my fertility problems here.

mood

He told you he wants kids but not until he's in a better place financially and settled which is fair enough I think unless you are pushing 40 and time is an issue. I don't see how that is giving you the run around. It sounds like you don't believe him. Maybe you should sit him down again and tell him how worried you are about this.

theg81der

But he already has a kid and somehow manages financially, why are you being punished because he already has a kid? - that is what I have said to my husband many times.

This is my identical story, I mean we have our house paid for, more than ample savings in the bank, I`ve ask - when exactly do we have enough money, the answer was maybe when we win the lotto! accept I`m nearly 10 years down the road and I still don`t have a kid.

I get the distinct impression you would be willing to start trying now if he said yippy lets go...I tried to deny it at that time but thats how I felt too. Don`t make my mistake go for it now because realistically you need to be able to move on if he doesn`t really ever want another kid.

LegacyUser

theg81der wrote: »

But he already has a kid and somehow manages financially, why are you being punished because he already has a kid? - that is what I have said to my husband many times.

This is my identical story, I mean we have our house paid for, more than ample savings in the bank, I`ve ask - when exactly do we have enough money, the answer was maybe when we win the lotto! accept I`m nearly 10 years down the road and I still don`t have a kid.

I get the distinct impression you would be willing to start trying now if he said yippy lets go...I tried to deny it at that time but thats how I felt too. Don`t make my mistake go for it now because realistically you need to be able to move on if he doesn`t really ever want another kid.

You hit the nail on the head. I honestly wouldn't want to start at the minute, but unless he's planning a massive career overhaul, I don't see where this extra financial stability is coming from, he is really bad with money so maybe this is his problem. I pay double what he does every month on bills loans etc and still seem to manage a bit better. I'm not putting pressure on him, i'd just like to know whats on the cards and if we're not singing from the same hymn sheet to be able to move on.

LegacyUser

Whattosay wrote: »

You hit the nail on the head. I honestly wouldn't want to start at the minute, but unless he's planning a massive career overhaul, I don't see where this extra financial stability is coming from, he is really bad with money so maybe this is his problem. I pay double what he does every month on bills loans etc and still seem to manage a bit better. I'm not putting pressure on him, i'd just like to know whats on the cards and if we're not singing from the same hymn sheet to be able to move on.

I was in the same place as you, was patient for another year and then he says he doesnt actually want more kids so here I am, back in my parents, at 38 years of age with him having wasted 2 years of my fertility. He sounds like he is BS-ing you.... If he doesnt know by now then he never will.

LegacyUser

same place wrote: »

I was in the same place as you, was patient for another year and then he says he doesnt actually want more kids so here I am, back in my parents, at 38 years of age with him having wasted 2 years of my fertility. He sounds like he is BS-ing you.... If he doesnt know by now then he never will.

I fear you may be right, the changing his mind I could deal with, lying and stringing me along I couldn't. Thing is he is in his early 30s, I'm in my early 20's, he says about the financial thing, yet his sister offered to pay for him to do a degree and better himself, therefore improving his financial opportunities yet he has no interest, which I can't understand.

metrovelvet

Kids are not the be all end all. Lay off the pressure. You want someone you can lead a peaceful life with, grow old with. If children come, great. If not, thats ok too.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Kids are not the be all end all. Lay off the pressure. You want someone you can lead a peaceful life with, grow old with. If children come, great. If not, thats ok too.

What pressure? That's your take on things, some people want kids, you're not bothered obviously so you wouldn't understand.

LegacyUser

confusedmuch wrote: »

What pressure? That's your take on things, some people want kids, you're not bothered obviously so you wouldn't understand.

+ 1 to this.