Just fed up with everything

LegacyUser

Hey,

So I'm just feeling the need to vent at the moment. I don't know if everyone else gets like this, or if it's just me and I need help. But I need to just vent a bit.

Basically, I've noticed quite a few times recently I've just felt very apathetic about most things. I can get easily bored with stuff and very very few things ever excite me. I'd go as far as to say it's once in a blue moon that anything excites me.

My job is a decent enough job and I know I should be grateful to have one in this environment. I live in a nice apartment too so you'd think I should be happy. But I'm not.

I just get so bored and fed up with things that it does my head in. My job really gets to me at times. Mostly just the environment on my team and sometimes the work does too. For example one day last week I felt so fed up and everything that I felt like I simply couldn't face going into work so instead I took a sick day. I literally felt like I was going to lose my mind if I went into work. The odd time as well I will be in work and maybe not too busy and I start to get really restless and again I feel like I'm losing the plot.

My friend who works in another company is putting me forward for a job that's coming up there and they got in touch last week saying they want to interview me. I gave them some days I'd be available but I'm secretly hoping they won't get back in touch. It's stupid as this job is a permanent job whereas my current job is a contract position. It would mean a change of company and everything so naturally you'd think I'd be all for it as it means getting away from my current place. But I'm not that enthusiastic about it. I am when I'm fed up with my current job, but when I don't absolutely hate my current job, I'm sort of ok with just drifting along in it.

I'm also going for a permanent job with my current company, but in another team and I've a first round interview tomorrow for the job. Again I should feel good about this but I'm totally ambivalent about it. I'm almost resenting the whole thing as I've had to spend time researching and prepping for it and the whole time I'm frustrated as it's going to be quite technical so I feel like I'm wasting my time prepping as I've got very little clue as to what areas they're going to ask me about. If I had to compare I'd say it would be like going for a medical job and they could ask you about general GP stuff, surgery, dentistry, or any number of other things that are quite different specialties.

I've been feeling like packing up all my stuff and moving back home to my parents place and taking a break from work. I was making dinner earlier and thinking to myself "I can't face this work thing for another 30+ years". I know moving home is technically a bad idea as I'm in my early 30's so I should be maturing more, buying my own place, settling down etc. But instead I feel myself wanting to revert to how I was before. Living at home, with no stress, taking it easy.

At one point last week I was here in my apartment (I live alone) and I was just so fed up that I was almost in tears. And I don't know why. I don't know what triggered it. I was sitting here, my head in my hands, wracked with feeling deeply depressed. This went on for half an hour or an hour and I ended up going to bed and I woke up feeling better the next day but I don't know why I felt so bad the night before. At one point I started praying to God to help me (I haven't prayed properly in years probably) and I felt like I couldn't cope.

I'll be honest, thoughts of suicide crossed my mind too. I don't think I'd ever actually go through with it if I'm honest. But I've had them before and while then my thoughts were mainly of "how would it feel to do it?" Last week I felt an undeniable urge to go and cut my wrists. I haven't had that before.

I went to my doctor before Christmas when I was home and basically told him that I was worried that I might be suffering from depression. We chatted for a good while and he said he didn't think I was clinically depressed but that it could become that and he mentioned that I should go talk to a psychologist to help me with my self esteem and confidence problems (which I have). He also told me not to hesitate to go back to him if I was feeling down again. However travelling to see him is a bit of an inconvenience and requires taking time off work.

But I just feel so fed up at the moment. It's strange. I go through periods of being chirpy enough, then I've feelings like I have now where I just can't be bothered with anything.

I even met a girl just under a month ago and for me, women have been a big issue in my life. I can't seem to figure out if I actually like her or not. We get on well, have a good laugh, I like spending time with her. We've kissed and done other stuff, but I haven't been that horny or really been erect with her so we haven't had full sex. So this all mixed in with my current feelings of ambivalence towards most things has me wondering if I actually like her, or am I just so fed up that I'm not interested in anything. After waiting so long to meet someone, I'm hesitant to end things with her. But at the same time, how long should I keep seeing her before knowing whether I could really care for her deeply or just letting her go so she doesn't get hurt.

I just get so fed up with everything at times that I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be going to the US for a week or two within the next few months for a holiday and I'm having these flashes of panic that it's a mad idea and I can't cope with it. I've most of the trip paid for at this stage but I've considered just calling the whole thing off and not going.

I really don't know what's wrong with me and I know you'll suggest I go back to the doctor. Unfortunately even if he refers me to some sort of doctor or mental health specialist, I can't afford to be spending hundreds of euro a month on sessions with someone. I could move home and get it on the NHS but work opportunities are limited where I'm from and I wouldn't want my parents to know that I'm feeling this way and have them worrying about me. I could travel home and have sessions but again it's inconvenient and would require me taking regular time off work which wouldn't be possible.

I don't really know if there's anything wrong with me and if I'm just completely bored and have too much time to think about things. I bet once I post this I'll do something else or watch something on TV and will be grand again. It's stupid.

But ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I just had to post this and get some of this stuff off my chest.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Anyway, I better go try to prep some more for this interview tomorrow, even though I feel like it's a bit of a waste of time as it feels like a complete shot in the dark as to what I should be researching.

Thanks for reading and sorry if I come across like some spoilt brat. I'm really not.

Victor

To be honest, as I was reading the thread, I was saying "this guy needs a holiday".

Certainly I think you need some change of scenery. Perhaps the new job, but perhaps doing something else as well that might make you feel like things are a bit more worthwhile - I don't know, find a charity to help out with. Also try to get out and get some exercise and eat reasonable food and lay off the drink. Also, find someone to talk to, whether you go home for the weekend and talk to you family for a bit or that girl you mention. You don't have to tell everything and it needn't be the heavy stuff from the start, but as an extension to this thread, saying stuff out loud and having someone hear helps us put things in focus - its no longer our own little worries bouncing around in our heads

Now, its for you and your doctor to decide if you are depressed or not, but certainly there is something that is impairing you in your normal life. So I think it would be a good idea to go back to your doctor or find another doctor local to where you live.

Counselling might be an idea. If cost is an issue, there are organisations like AWARE that can help and indeed, the Samaritans can be just someone to talk to as well.

www.aware.ie
www.samaritans.ie

stupidusername

I think i know how you feel. People tend to think you just feel sorry for yourself and that there isn't actually anything wrong so just cop on to yourself. I feel the same way as you, i think. Just generally bored, uninterested, sad, just doing stuff that needs to be done. not really enjoying anything at all. I don't even really know what it's like to enjoy things.

I spoke to a doctor last may, and she said it is depression. put me on lexapro, then later i switched to prozac. Honestly i don''t know what to say about it, it's hard to tell if it helps. I suppose it does. I was seeing a counsellor for a few months through my college, until i finished there. Doctor wants to make sure I get to see a counsellor (although i'm really not sure if it does any good for me) so has put me on a list with public services of some sort. Haven't heard anything back from them yet. I'm now on a double dose of prozac. I'm thinking of returning soon to talk to him about it as it makes me very tired.

I panic and get sad over thinking about a lot of things especially the thought of having a career for 40 years more, but I just can't think about that from day to day. I just can't. It's too much. I have to try do what i want to do from day to day.

I won't say talking to someone won't help, because for you it might. I talked to samaritans before when i needed someone, but i needed someone to care, and to talk back and they didn't do that. but do give it a try if you want to.

oh by the way i'm on a medical card as i'm unemployed, so thats how i can afford my meds and counselling (when/if it comes up). If you're in full time employment you probably won't qualify though.

Acoshla

OP I feel the same way about work as you do, I think it means we're in the wrong jobs, apparently some people enjoy theirs, I remain unconvinced! Course it's not easy to get the perfect job, I know that only too well myself, but I do think you should do those other interviews, put on your game face and just do it, you never know, if you get one of them your entire outlook on life might change.

I do the "My God I have 40 more years of this, I just can't" thing too, it's awful!! But I guess you just have to think that there is more to life than working, so it's not the only thing you'll do for 30+ years, and focus on achieving some of the other goals?

If you would like to talk or anything feel free to PM me, I think when people realise that other people have the same problems/thoughts that in itself helps.

LegacyUser

I totally get where you're coming from. I think we're pretty much exactly the same... apathy, depressed, absolutely zero interest in work etc.
I'm now in counselling, and I think it was deffo the correct move... I have had issues for years, self-esteem, confidence, fear of imtimacy and more...
Anyhow, with regards to your work, it does sound like it's not the job for you. I feel the exact same. I sit at my desk and think why the F am I sitting here... I am very apathetic towards it. I'm sure my boss sees this, but probably just thinks I'm a lazy yoke. I look around and wonder how my colleagues carry on and just do it.

I think i've come to a point in my life that I feel there is an emptiness due to ther reasons above (self esteem, relationships etc...). I know now that I need to sort these out in order to be truly happy, so that is what I'm doing. The job Im in at the moment is a lost cause, and I'm just going to stick at it for the time being. I want to go travelling and when my counselling finishes I'm heading off.

Maybe you might go on a holiday/ travel, or maybe if you think some counselling might help, go and do it. It will be one of the best decisions you'll ever make... If you're scared about it, then just tell yourself, this is a key to my longterm inner happiness, and it will be worth the pain..
Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the nice replies so far. I have to admit I was cringing a bit after posting it as I was expecting someone to start having a go at me.

I had the interview this morning and it didn't go very well. It was quite technical and to be honest, I might as well have done no preparation for it at all. Little or nothing that I had read over and prepared was of any use whatsoever. Instead I got asked about loads of other stuff. There's no chance at all that I will get through to the next round. I hate interviews like that but unfortunately they do happen from time to time.

I was pretty fed up last night I have to admit. Today was ok at work and I was thinking to myself I perhaps wouldn't mind my contract being extended in my current job. But if I'm honest, I know it's a handy number that I have at the moment and that's part of the reason I'm hesitant to leave. And while it often makes me want to smash my head against a wall, the money is decent enough and I'm comfortable there.

I've yet to discover a job or career that I love. The industry I'm currently working in is really the only thing I've been interested in since I was young. However I'll be honest and say that I don't love my job at all. Far from it. It can be quite tedious and does my head in, as do some of the people and the meetings. If you were to ask me what my dream job would be, I couldn't tell you exactly. I doubt it would be in the field I'm working in at the moment.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm just bored and spend too much time thinking and then get myself all worked up over nothing.

I probably do need to go talk to someone alright but I've yet to figure out who. I sometimes wish I could win the lotto then I could just pack in this work lark and spend time getting my head straight and figuring out what I want to do with my life.

I have to admit I'm probably a bit lazy too and I find I work better when I can focus on one thing, rather than being distracted by loads of other things. Like I'd rather focus on getting fit, than lumping that in with starting a new job, or moving apartment or whatever else, at the same time.

Anyway thanks for the nice replies.

sunnyside

MrUnreg wrote: »

I even met a girl just under a month ago and for me, women have been a big issue in my life. I can't seem to figure out if I actually like her or not. We get on well, have a good laugh, I like spending time with her. We've kissed and done other stuff, but I haven't been that horny or really been erect with her so we haven't had full sex. So this all mixed in with my current feelings of ambivalence towards most things has me wondering if I actually like her, or am I just so fed up that I'm not interested in anything. After waiting so long to meet someone, I'm hesitant to end things with her. But at the same time, how long should I keep seeing her before knowing whether I could really care for her deeply or just letting her go so she doesn't get hurt.

.

Have you contacted the girl again? Maybe it's worth another try.

MrUnreg wrote: »

I had the interview this morning and it didn't go very well. It was quite technical and to be honest, I might as well have done no preparation for it at all. Little or nothing that I had read over and prepared was of any use whatsoever. Instead I got asked about loads of other stuff. There's no chance at all that I will get through to the next round. I hate interviews like that but unfortunately they do happen from time to time.

.

Interviews:(I know what you mean. Not my strong point either.

LegacyUser

sunnyside wrote: »

Have you contacted the girl again? Maybe it's worth another try.

Yeah I have. I think she's coming over to mine some night this week.


Interviews:(I know what you mean. Not my strong point either.

Yeah, tech interviews are the one's I hate the most. I think I've come to realise that while I've a good technical understanding, there's certain roles within the industry that I'm not suited for. One of which was the one I interviewed for today. It wasn't the worst interview I've ever done. But it wasn't far off it.