Isitme?

LegacyUser

My bf and I had a fight today, first off, I irritated him during sex because I did something like a move or whatever that he didn't like (which I didn't know about) and he lost his erection and then was irritated about that for a bit (now I know people will start saying "oh this is his own insecurity etc" but I really think he was just annoyed at me )

Then he said we should go to the city centre and walk around, and when we got there I said I had to pick up something, I asked him if he minded he said no. Went got that and then we were walking about and he was acting all quiet and stuff so I asked him if he was okay and he said "i hate walking around the city" and I said "what are we doing it for so?" and he said "well then you had to go buy that thing etc etc " ...... I was just a bit quiet then and he said jokingly "you gonna cry now?"

I felt kinda of embarrassed then... ya know that feeling when you think you were having a nice time and then you realise the other person was really having a crap time.... so I was upset by that.

Then we got into this whole thing he says he can't say anything to me without me taking it personally "choosing my words carefully all the time is really annoying"

Then I felt even more stupid cos me being upset was confirming his comment of not being able to say anything to me .....and then he said he wasn't talking about it and i went home.

I'm sorry for ranting I guess I just want to ask was I being overly sensitive? Maybe I do take things personally but ...how else are you supposed to take them...

nonsmoker

is it me? wrote: »

My bf and I had a fight today, first off, I irritated him during sex because I did something like a move or whatever that he didn't like (which I didn't know about) and he lost his erection and then was irritated about that for a bit (now I know people will start saying "oh this is his own insecurity etc" but I really think he was just annoyed at me )

Then he said we should go to the city centre and walk around, and when we got there I said I had to pick up something, I asked him if he minded he said no. Went got that and then we were walking about and he was acting all quiet and stuff so I asked him if he was okay and he said "i hate walking around the city" and I said "what are we doing it for so?" and he said "well then you had to go buy that thing etc etc " ...... I was just a bit quiet then and he said jokingly "you gonna cry now?"

I felt kinda of embarrassed then... ya know that feeling when you think you were having a nice time and then you realise the other person was really having a crap time.... so I was upset by that.

Then we got into this whole thing he says he can't say anything to me without me taking it personally "choosing my words carefully all the time is really annoying"

Then I felt even more stupid cos me being upset was confirming his comment of not being able to say anything to me .....and then he said he wasn't talking about it and i went home.

I'm sorry for ranting I guess I just want to ask was I being overly sensitive? Maybe I do take things personally but ...how else are you supposed to take them...

I dont think you were over sensitive at all, he sounds like a spoilt baby and as for you doing something wrong while having sex, oh my god is he very selfish and only worried about himself having a good time?

Katgurl

your boyfriend sounds like a bully. no its not you, he's just having a go at you for his own reasons and because he thinks he can get away with it. annoyed because he didn't like something in bed - wtf? and then mocking you for being upset. he sounds horrible frankly.

LegacyUser

To be fair he is quite giving in bed, it was just today he was like "why are you doing that" ..Im all for constructive criticism but ya know i guess when having sex you are in a vulnerable position and get upset when your bf says something critical and stops having sex with you.

I'm not sure... I feel now I can't get upset about anything ...he feels he has to choose his words carefully but I'm not allowed get upset without it being considered over reacting.

Perhaps its a woman thing, we like to discuss things... he said to me ealier "I am just fed up of it having to take a whole day to explain one little comment I made" ....

I always end up blaming my self for fights and then end up apologising

I guess it comes down to a huge communication problem, and because we have been going out so long I'm thinking this is never going to be resolved and wondering if its time to just end it.

I often wonder if he is just trying to get rid of me but doesn't have the guts to just break up

Jack B. Badd

OP, he sounds passive agressive tbh.

I don't know if it would work for you but if I was in your position I think I would take a break (a week or so) where I didn't see or talk to him and try to evaluate my opinion of the situation. Objectively, am I being over-sensitive or am I getting justifiably upset over certain things? Is my reaction OTT or is he using a reasonable, but undesirable reaction as an excuse not to talk to me until things have gotten out of control? Am I happier, less stressed, more balanced without him during the break or am I missing the companionship? Most importantly, is it him I'm missing or just companionship in general - would I be happier with friends or in a relationship with someone else?

LegacyUser

Hi op. I used have similar fights with my girlfriend a lot of the time. To be honest it was all me being an a** though it took me a long time to realise that. Anyway eventually she saw sense and broke up with me. You'll probably have to do the same thing eventually for your own sanity because you deserve so much more just as my gf does.

LegacyUser

same boat wrote: »

Hi op. I used have similar fights with my girlfriend a lot of the time. To be honest it was all me being an a** though it took me a long time to realise that. Anyway eventually she saw sense and broke up with me. You'll probably have to do the same thing eventually for your own sanity because you deserve so much more just as my gf does.

What kinda of fights did ye have? How long were ye dating for? if you don't mind me asking

What I feel is that we never fight, its always like this....I get upset and he says "whats the big deal" and then after long pointless conversations I end up thinking "ya what is the big deal", but surely if my initial reaction is to get upset he shouldn't just assume i'm a whiney baby.

JACK. B. BAD, a break is probably the logical thing, thing is if I say to him "I think we should take a break" he will say "see...I can't say anything ...now you want to take a break because of a stupid comment" ...and then i start thinking ya...he is probably right....

god i sound like an idiot, i'm just really confused

LegacyUser

When you feel upset about something, I think it's important to talk about it. If this is the first time your boyfriend has dismissed your worries, I wouldn't read too much into it. If you look back over your relationship and can see that he's always dismissing your worries, I'd have a talk with him. It's very frustrating to be with someone who refuses to listen or throws things back at you when all you're trying to do is get a few things off your mind.

If you try to talk to him about it and he throws it back at you again, I'd leave. There's no point in going out with someone who has no regard for what you have to say. You'd be better off on your own

shellyboo

He's acting like a toddler. There's clearly something on his mind - maybe the sex thing, he may be upset that he lost his erection - and he won't just tell you; he prefers to snipe at you passive aggressively over it.

Next time when he says there's nothing wrong, take him at his word. Act completely normally, as you would with a kid who's having a tantrum. He's only doing it for the attenion, OP, and turning it around on you then (are you gonna cry now?) means he gets away scot-free.

Cheap Thrills!

He is being a total pr1ck OP. And you are playing into his hands by walking on eggshells around him....

He is also being very hypocritical, accusing YOU of being sensitive when it's him who is acting like a moody teenager.

I'd be inclined to give him the boot but its your situation not mine. But I wouldn't entertain that nonsense at all.

Losing the erection during sex, hm its like he was fantasising and you did something to break the fantasy. Also walking around town.....was he hoping to bump into someone?

Sometimes when people are cheating or want to cheat they start to treat their own partner with contempt. I'm not saying this is what is happning here, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Regardless, they say familiarity breeds contempt and he is taking your for granted, being cruel and emotionally sadistic. Its not big and its not clever, in fact its pathetic and I've no time for people like that.

You have some thinking to do OP....why are you putting up with this?

tenchi-fan

It sounds like you should give him a break until he appreciates you more.

LegacyUser

tenchifan wrote: »

It sounds like you should give him a break until he appreciates you more.

I don't really understand breaks? I mean we have not been in contact all day and I have no intention of getting in contact with him till he does with me. If this goes on for a week is this the break? Or do people actually agree to break contact with each other for a few weeks?

As for him cheating, I don't know, i never thought he would do something like that...the sex thing though...I immediately thought at the time that I broke his concentration...and well he must have been thinking about something or someone ....not me . Then again that could be paranoia.

Jack B. Badd

I consider a break to consist of an agreement to cut contact for a set period. I would suggest this to him as you need to consider your relationship and need some time and space to do that. If he gets his knickers in a twist over that then he's really just proving his immaturity.

Personally I think he's trying to manipulate you. I've been through a relationship previously with someone similar. In my experience, a break is the only way to get away from the head-wreck long enough to see things objectively.

tenchi-fan

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Personally I think he's trying to manipulate you.

This might sound weird but some one in my family (my brother) used the whole aggression thing against me. I was walking on eggshells the whole time, making excuses like "he must be insecure" or "wow, I must really be irritating him." He just used it to get his way the whole time. It doesn't matter whether it's a family member, a workmate, a manager or your other-half... the tactic is always the same - to make you feel guilty or ashamed and oblivious to what they are doing.

Consider this an example. Person A "where would you like to go for dinner", Person B "I don't mind." Person A suggests a place then person B gets annoyed because he doesn't want to go there: "you know I don't really like that place." Person A feels guilty for suggesting it.

Not only did Person B get their own way... Person A was the one who felt guilty for being so inconsiderate! And Person A will try to make it up to Person B, and try to be more considerate in future!

It's a Covert aggressive tactic and it is NOT "passive aggression" as suggested previously in the thread. Passive aggression is more like a coping technique adopted by the person who is being bullied.

miec

Consider this an example. Person A "where would you like to go for dinner", Person B "I don't mind." Person A suggests a place then person B gets annoyed because he doesn't want to go there: "you know I don't really like that place." Person A feels guilty for suggesting it.

Not only did Person B get their own way... Person A was the one who felt guilty for being so inconsiderate! And Person A will try to make it up to Person B, and try to be more considerate in future!

It's a Covert aggressive tactic

Wow, brilliant point and + 1

Op I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is own your feelings, if you feel upset about something and your boyfriend says what's your problem just tell him that you found that upsetting and if he says you're being too sensitive, just remind it is how you feel. Whether you are right or wrong to feel the way you do, it is how you feel, I think your boyfriend is projecting stuff onto you and you are taking the entire responsibility for everything, remember there are two of you in the situation and he is happy to allow you to feel bad so that he can feel better about himself.

Peggypeg

is it me? wrote: »

To be fair he is quite giving in bed, it was just today he was like "why are you doing that" ..Im all for constructive criticism but ya know i guess when having sex you are in a vulnerable position and get upset when your bf says something critical and stops having sex with you.

I'm not sure... I feel now I can't get upset about anything ...he feels he has to choose his words carefully but I'm not allowed get upset without it being considered over reacting.

Perhaps its a woman thing, we like to discuss things... he said to me ealier "I am just fed up of it having to take a whole day to explain one little comment I made" ....

I always end up blaming my self for fights and then end up apologising

I guess it comes down to a huge communication problem, and because we have been going out so long I'm thinking this is never going to be resolved and wondering if its time to just end it.

I often wonder if he is just trying to get rid of me but doesn't have the guts to just break up

Sweetie, he sounds like a bully, saying hurtful things and then mocking the person for getting upset is bullying. He sounds like a bastard to be honest and you sound very weak to be putting up with it. Get into councelling and learn how to tell someone to f*ck off when they behave like that. As regards him trying to get rid of you but doesn't want to do the breaking up, sweetie I'd pre-empt him on that one.

LegacyUser

Hey. Sorry I haven't gotten back sooner I'd been away for a while. I went out with her for 5 years. You're absolutely not being a whinger you have every right to be annoyed. My GF and I broke up twice before we finally ended it. I'm sure she felt the same way that you do and you have absolutely every right to be upset. I guess when it comes down to it if you're not happy then there's no point in staying with him. Your frustration is real and he should be more sensitive to it.