No sex with BF

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a few years now and have been living together for nearly two. He has always had a high sex-drive which has sometimes led to fights because mine isn't as high as his...we've always worked it out though.

The thing is all of a sudden he's no longer interested in sex. We haven't had sex in 3 months. I've tried initiating but he's not interested/ too tired/too stressed. I've tried talking to him about but it always turns into an arguement where he says 'it was fine for you not to want sex but it's not fine for me'. The thing is I've never turned him down for sex like this. 3 months seems a bit long to me.

I've heard that a young guy always wants sex and therefore he must be getting it somewhere else. I would just like people's advice and opinions. I'm really scared he might be cheating. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any advice at all would be welcome.
Thanks for reading.

anucksunamun

Hi, I can totally see where your coming from thinking he's cheating, especially as he's not even willing to broach this subject, 3 months is a long, long time, but before we assume the worst here hun, lets look at what might be going on...

The thing I think it sounds like is his libido has really taken a serious blow (no puns please :rolleyes:) has something out of the ordinary happened in this time? has he lost his job/a death/even something that seems inconsequential to you, or like last time you had sex something was different.. something he may not have liked..

It could be a matter of he is actually having some problem with 'himself', like for example he was masturbating and was not able to get erect, and is now worried about upsetting you if it happens again (you'd no doubt think he didnt find you as attractive as he used to if he couldn't.. ya know what i mean?) or it could be a psychological issue..

Ok so your living together two years now, maybe he feels things are a little stale bedroom wise.. maybe he's discovered a particular thing he wants which he doesnt feel confident in saying to you yet..

What I'm basically saying is dont immediately assume he is cheating on you.. I know how horrible you must feel, and i hope this resolves itself for you.. just like us men sometimes just go through phases of not being as interested.. and hopefully this is the case here.. perhaps you could try and broach the subject with him once more. good luck.

theg81der

If I had a million quid and I had to bet - I`d say cheating. Do you spend alot of time apart? If you feel he`s cheating he more than likely is. Start doing some detective work and trust your instincts.

xx hoping theres some innocent explaination xx

Ickle Magoo

Going from high sex-drive to zero would raise some red flags for me, l think you deserve an explanation. I guess it could be caused by cheating, or depression, or even a porn addiction and everything in between. The only person that can tell you is him.

You need to schedule in a meeting with him to specifically discuss what is going on and why. No-one should have to live without sex for three months if they don't want to and even having an affair, with a high libido I can't imagine sex would disappear altogether.

Best of luck.

globemaster1986

Might not be cheating, even if he was cheating he would probably still want sex with you aswell! Leave aside the no sex thing for a minute and think does he have the opportunity to cheat? If you live together then think where does he spend his time when not at home/with you? Work? Sports? These are unlikely. Are there other unexplained absences?

As a man I would say that the fact he does not want to talk about the sex issue is a sign of embarassment, so perhaps erection issues or depression or something of this nature. Are there any signs of this?

Maybe try taking a more understanding approach rather than confrontational and coax it out of him...

shellyboo

If he was cheating, he'd still be having sex with you so as not to make you suspect anything... and tbh the excitement of having a secret would probably make him hornier.

I'd say he's got something on his mind. No cure but to sit him down in a non-sexual context and ask him what's up.

An idea could be that he's tired of being the one who's always asking for sex and has gone on a strike of sorts. Failing that, is he very stressed with work? Family stuff? Sex drives (particularly male ones) are hugely effected by issues like depression, stress, anxiety.

Have a little faith in him. You should be worrying what's wrong with him, not suspecting him of cheating straight off the bat

opinion guy

cheating wrote: »

I've heard that a young guy always wants sex and therefore he must be getting it somewhere else. I would just like people's advice and opinions. I'm really scared he might be cheating. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any advice at all would be welcome.
Thanks for reading.

Don't know where you heard that but its rubbish. News flash - men are not instinct driven beasts, we are capable of controlling ourselves and whats more have feeligns, emotions and moods just as much as ye ladies do!
To be honest from the way you are describing it my gut reaction is it sounds like he is stressed or depressed or something. I mean simply losing his sex drive is NOT reason enough to go around accusing anyone of cheating. IF he is also having unexplained nights away, secretive phone calls etc etc or you find someone elses lipstick on his collar then concerns about cheating sound more appropriate. But in abscence of some actual evidence or suspicious behaviour I would be much more wondering if its some sort of stress reaction going on. Did something happen ? Is work stressing him ? Family issues ? Health problem ?

Supercell

Three months for a guy not to want sex is very unusual, stressed out or not.
As I guy I really cannot think of a situation where a little nookie wouldnt improve my mood a bit, unless maybe there was some kind of medical issue?, thats just about the only scenario the drive would go.

OP you do need to talk to him about it but I'd approach it from the medical stressed out angle and take from there. if he says he's not stressed over work or something specific and its not medical..than he's lost interest in you or he's probaly doing the dirt.

I hope it is something innocent like work or something you can help him through, good luck.

shellyboo

It really saddens me to see everyone decide he's cheating simply because he's lost his sex drive. You can be sure that if the OP was saying that her bf accused her of cheating every time she turned him down for sex, there'd be uproar.

Whatever happened to the benefit of the doubt?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. They have made me realise it's not necessarily the worst case.
I feel bad about jumping to conclusions over his lack of interest, these things just tend to build themselves up in your head and then everything points to cheating.
I've decided to tackle it from the medical/stressed out side of things and hopefully I'll find out what the story is.
He's a wonderful man and does deserve my faith. I just hope I'll get the answers I want to hear.
Thanks so much for all your replies...it really does help to talk (even in cyberspace!)

opinion guy

cheating wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. They have made me realise it's not necessarily the worst case.
I feel bad about jumping to conclusions over his lack of interest, these things just tend to build themselves up in your head and then everything points to cheating.
I've decided to tackle it from the medical/stressed out side of things and hopefully I'll find out what the story is.
He's a wonderful man and does deserve my faith. I just hope I'll get the answers I want to hear.
Thanks so much for all your replies...it really does help to talk (even in cyberspace!)

Good to hear that. I hope all turns out ok

anucksunamun

opinion guy wrote: »

Good to hear that. I hope all turns out ok

Me too.. absolutely best wishes to you OP. x.

Bonito

shellyboo wrote: »

If he was cheating, he'd still be having sex with you so as not to make you suspect anything... and tbh the excitement of having a secret would probably make him hornier.

I'd say he's got something on his mind. No cure but to sit him down in a non-sexual context and ask him what's up.

An idea could be that he's tired of being the one who's always asking for sex and has gone on a strike of sorts. Failing that, is he very stressed with work? Family stuff? Sex drives (particularly male ones) are hugely effected by issues like depression, stress, anxiety.

Have a little faith in him. You should be worrying what's wrong with him, not suspecting him of cheating straight off the bat

Agree with shellyboo here. The fact he suddenly lost interest doesn't suspect cheating. Why would he suddenly begin cheating? Especially when you said you'd always end up workin things out about his sex drive being higher than yours. If he was cheating he'd be more revved up from excitement of the affair and he'd also be taking better care of his appearence etc to impress the new girl. To me it sounds like he's just down in the dumps and you're going to have to investigate what's wrong.

Best of luck Op.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If its three months you have every right to demand an explanation. I'd tend to agree if it were an affair he'd probably still be having sex with you.

Could be wrong though. Perhaps he is cheating and doesn't want to be "unfaithful" to her. Maybe he had sex with someone and suspects he has a std, doesn't want to pass it on. Maybe he's just lost interest in you.

Sounds harsh but I just can't think of any innocent reasons. As I said though, you deserve a reasonable answer.

shellyboo wrote:

You can be sure that if the OP was saying that her bf accused her of cheating every time she turned him down for sex, there'd be uproar.

Men and women are different. This behaviour is much more unusual for a guy. Though in the reverse role of these threads cheating is often suggested

John Mason

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

If its three months you have every right to demand an explanation.

DEMANDING an explanation is not going to get the OP anywhere.

OP, you need to sit down and have a calm rational talk with your BF. DO NOT start demanding and shouting at him, talking about how YOU feel.

You need to talk to your BF about how he is feeling in general about life, money, work etc. and see if that throws anything up.

Let him know you are worried about him and want to make sure everything is okay with him, make him feel secure and comfortable about talking. he is probably up to ninety about the situation himself but doesnt want to talk about it (men can be funny about their erections or lack there off).

and shame on all you people, who just assumed he was cheating, not every man in the world is a cheater

neuro-praxis

This is just speculation, but perhaps his confidence has taken a knock from the rejections you've given him because of the mismatched libido. I'm not criticising: just considering it from another angle.

um7y1h83ge06nx

It can happen alright, it happened to me before.

I went through a period of about 2-3 months where I totally lost my sex drive, really just wasn't interested. And being honest I generally have a high sex drive.

My GF and I were seeing each other that time about 3.5 years. I think what caused it was pressure at work, I was working on new stuff that I was trained but inexperienced in and there was tight deadlines. I was definitely a bit stressed. The worst thing is that you can then feel pressure to perform which of course makes thing harder.

I did recover though (thank f**k ), so give him a chance and maybe talk it out in a sensitive way.

LegacyUser

My BF has a very low sex drive since he stopped having cyber sex with his online GF. After long talks, tears and me suppressing my sex drive, trying cyber sex with him, I have had to accept what he has said - that he feels inadequate as a lover and that there's nothing I can do or say that can change this because he can't understand how I can want him when he feels so inadequate. He has explained to me that cyber sex was the only thing that could help him feel worthy as a sexual partner in RL (and even then he was overcome (haha) with anxiety that I wasn't enjoying it even though I came at least once every time or that he'd do something wrong). Me trying to initite sex just makes the anxiety worse. I think that no amount of cajoling, tears, kinkiness or anything else will help a situation if the other person doesn't feel it.

I'm staying around and hoping that one day something will change.

What I'm trying to say with this is that sometimes we can only be patient and anxiety can spoil even the most fun of activities. Your OH might not be cheating now but he might have been doing something before that alleviated his feelings about sex. If you don't think he'd cheat in RL, try checking his received files for his chat history because the web sex thing can feel like not cheating to some people.

Here's some of the things we have tried and are trying - writing sexy stories/texts, taking dirty pictures, tantric massage (basically just a very long, whole body massage (we don't touch the private parts to take the sexual emphasis off it) but the massager concentrates on enjoying the feeling of their lovers body in their hands and the massaged stays completely aware of being stroked and kneaded) and a lot of talking and listening and trying not to feel unsexy as he explains why he doesn't want to be intimate.

I hope it works out for you. Good luck!

Kanye

cheating wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. They have made me realise it's not necessarily the worst case.

Let me stop you there.


Worst-case for you is him cheating on you? Would it not be worse if he's highly stressed over something and not telling you? Would it not be worse if he had developed a medical condition? Would it not be worse if he's depressed to the extent that his libido's down?

I don't mean to hammer you on this but it's incredibly selfish of you to say that the worse thing you can imagine when your boyfriend has stopped having sex with you is that he's having sex with someone else. Perhaps this selfishness is what's giving rise to the problem.

Peggypeg

Kanye wrote: »

Let me stop you there.


Worst-case for you is him cheating on you? Would it not be worse if he's highly stressed over something and not telling you? Would it not be worse if he had developed a medical condition? Would it not be worse if he's depressed to the extent that his libido's down?

I don't mean to hammer you on this but it's incredibly selfish of you to say that the worse thing you can imagine when your boyfriend has stopped having sex with you is that he's having sex with someone else. Perhaps this selfishness is what's giving rise to the problem.

I think that's very harsh. I know myself that if my boyfriend cheated on me I would be so heart broken that I could die, literally of a broken heart. I think that's how most people feel when they imagine someone they love cheating on them. You can't repair the damage to the trust in the relationship with councelling, or a doctor's visit or meditation or whatever other thing you can do to fix a medical condition, depression or stress. To be honest I would see my boyfriend cheating as probably the worst thing that could happen in my life, I'd even go so far as to say I would rather have a horrible illness than have that. You know why? Well it's because if it's illness, stress or depression you can fight that together, as a couple, there's a cure or threatment you know? There's no cure for a broken heart. So I can understand the OP's point of view.

newmember2

Kanye wrote: »

Let me stop you there.


Worst-case for you is him cheating on you? Would it not be worse if he's highly stressed over something and not telling you? Would it not be worse if he had developed a medical condition? Would it not be worse if he's depressed to the extent that his libido's down?

I don't mean to hammer you on this but it's incredibly selfish of you to say that the worse thing you can imagine when your boyfriend has stopped having sex with you is that he's having sex with someone else. Perhaps this selfishness is what's giving rise to the problem.

This all makes perfect sense...







...if you're a robot.

bindutantra

Hi
I dont agree that he may be cheating. As someone who works with couples who are having problems with their intimate relationships, constant rejection of sex to one of the partners has made him turn off, why keep asking if he is always going to be rejected.

Through showing couples the art of intimate massage, it can change both peoples perspecitve on sex. It is not always about cumming for the guy, which in most cases it can be. When both people in a relationship both have different sex drives if the person with the higher sex drive gives a massage to their partner they can increase their sence of arosal and both can have a very pleasurable experience, even without intercourse, or with intercourse.

Wibbs

bindutantra refrain from pimping your business and website. Link deleted. Take two days off to read the charter of this forum before posting again. Thank you.