Letting her down gently

Supercell

I still chat to my last g/f on msn occasionally. We were good friends but bad lovers I think. She also smokes and has no intention of giving up and as an exsmoker I really had a hard time dealing with the smell of it and the knowledge of what she was doing to herself and also the fact that I could see myself giving in eventually and starting up myself again.

She is also terrible with money, her idea of keeping on top of her finances is to make the minimum payment per month on her multiple credit cards.
She is very sweet and nice and as I say she is a the best type of friend you could want - always there for you, friendly , warm and caring.

Anyhow, I split up with her and have since being getting on like a house on fire with my current g/f whom I love to bits and she feels like she is "the one".
I know it would hurt her immensely if she knew I was chatting to the ex.

My problem is that when I split up with the ex there was no screaming and shouting, just lots of tears from both sides.
I still like her as a friend but she clearly hasn't moved on. She still wears a necklace I bought for her everyday and as we live in different areas she doesn't see me any more and is always asking for new pictures of me. She said the other day if I break up with the new g/f she would be like to have another chance with me.

I feel so bad about this, if I did split with the present girl I wouldn't go back to the ex - nothing has changed - she still smokes, she still is terrible with money (there is a bit more but I'm not going into it in a public forum and I doubt if that stuff has changed either).

I don't want to hurt her, and i certainly dont want to give her the impression that we have a chance of getting back together. I'm always asking her about if she has met other fellas and encouraging her to do so but she always says she doesn't get on with anyone else like she does with me.

I like the ex very much, but as a sweet friend and thats all, but I think I must break of the friendship for both our sakes to move on with our lives.
Can anyone suggest a really gentle way of pushing her away and letting her realise that we can never be more than friends and that she should move on?
She is divorced and her split up with her ex husband was bad, he was an a-hole, I really really really don't want to hurt her like he did.

Jessiegirl

Well it sounds like she is already still hurting over you, hasn't moved on.
Keeping in touch is probably going to hurt her more in the long run.

Do you want to keep her as a friend? Could you lose your current girlfriend over this?

You must decide put simply tell her like you told us, that you think contact is bad for her, she's not moving on and so on.

I would be worried that you are keeping this contact from current girlfriend too, that's deceitful and not good in a relationship. Alternatively you could share this with current girlfriend and get her viewpoint.

mood

Tell her you think you can't continue to be friends as it's not fair on your girlfriend and not fair on her as you only see her as a friend. Just be honest.

You risk loosing your girlfriend over being in contact with an ex and not telling her.

Supercell

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Do you want to keep her as a friend? Could you lose your current girlfriend over this?

You must decide put simply tell her like you told us, that you think contact is bad for her, she's not moving on and so on.

I would be worried that you are keeping this contact from current girlfriend too, that's deceitful and not good in a relationship. Alternatively you could share this with current girlfriend and get her viewpoint.

Thanks, I suppose I do want to keep her as a friend, she is kind, sweet and if I was ever in need of any help with anything she would be first in line offering it. But maybe I just have to be cruel to be kind in the long run here

You are right about keeping it from the current g/f, thats not right, I don't like having any secrets from her. She thinks the ex is prettier than her and I know the paranoia meter would go off the charts if i said i was chatting to the ex which is why I haven't told her.

mood wrote: »

Tell her you think you can't continue to be friends as it's not fair on your girlfriend and not fair on her as you only see her as a friend. Just be honest.

You risk loosing your girlfriend over being in contact with an ex and not telling her.

Mood you are right, losing the current one is just not an option to me, so I really need to pull my socks up on this, I just want to do it as gently as possible.
I suppose I just have to tell it like it is and try to use the softest words possible

Miss Fluff

Supercell wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose I do want to keep her as a friend, she is kind, sweet and if I was ever in need of any help with anything she would be first in line offering it. But maybe I just have to be cruel to be kind in the long run here

That's quite selfish because while you are keeping her dangling in case you ever "need" her, she is holding on to hope that there will be a reconciliation. Doesn't sound like you can be friends so I'd do the kind thing and cut contact as you are stopping her from moving on and finding happiness.

Supercell

Miss Fluff, you are right, i didnt think that it might appear like that but on reflection you are right.
Probably the best thing to do is just cut contact altogether without any drama and let her drift away.
Thanks guys, your replies have really clarified what I need to do.