Why is life doing this?

LegacyUser

I'm so low right now. I'm a 24 year old woman, basically had quite a few problems growing up with shyness and feeling like I didn't fit in, having moved countries in my early teens. This continued through college, I never quite fit in and I never did the normal teenage things like going out, having boyfriends etc. After college I met my ex-boyfriend - being rather naive and lonely, I didn't realise how badly he treated me. I thought I was happy because I was no longer lonely and I had someone to do things with, travel with, go out to dinner with, but he was totally wrong for me. It ended with him cheating on me and making me look an absolute fool. I was so hurt.

Shortly afterwards, I met another guy and started seeing him, early last year. My life started to get much better, I got a job I really liked, then started a postgrad course I enjoyed where I made lots of friends. I finally felt happy and started to feel so grateful that my life was really looking up. I had spent three years going to the doctor with gynecological issues and I was reassured that nothing was wrong and that I'd done all the tests I could and to just relax, so I was happy to find out everything was fine. Or so I thought. Turns out I have a pelvic infection which I could have had for ages, or a few months (there's no way to tell but I've been having symptoms for ages). This could have totally damaged my fertility and could have been fixed if only one of the doctors had listened to me and taken me seriously. I will have to go for a scan and another procedure in the next few months to see what damage is done. Because of all this, I can't focus on my studies at all and I'm slipping way behind. My relationship with my boyfriend is also suffering, I never feel like having sex again as I'm so disgusted with the whole thing. I feel like everything was finally going well for me and I was happy then this happened and ruined it all.

LegacyUser

Anyone?

Wibbs

I've found anyway that life is swings and roundabouts. It ebbs and flows. The only thing you can be sure of is change.

That's grand if you have a solid enough core of good life experiences. The good times you enjoy more and the bad youre able to deal with and compartmentalise. If the core is shaky its much harder. You may expect the good times to end and the bad times mount up. It can be an easy mindset to get into too.

You've been through the wringer it seems and the illness was a big blow. On so many levels. The infection itself, the feeling that you weren't being listened to, the further tests, the idea that this may have affected your fertility, the effect on your relationship, even the simple icky factor. That list is long on its own. TBH I could easily see myself buckling under that lot.

This is a hard time for you, but you will get through it and you'll come out of it too. And so often you will learn about yourself and others. Things that will stand to you for years to come.

We've all more strength than we give ourselves credit for and we can find more support than we thought we had. Things will help. Talking it out with loved ones especially your boyfriend and family if that would help. Discussing your options with doctors you have confidence in. Would you consider a few sessions of counseling? I know its often trotted out as a panacea, the pill for every ill etc, but it could help you get it out and better again, give you lessons on coping mechanisms so that internal strength that you have can be released.

Better counsel will come along that will hopefully give you more options and avenues to explore.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Wibbs, thanks for replying. I hope I don't come across as self centered, but I really have had a hard time for the last while. I haven't been able to tell many people as it's such a personal issue, and I look totally healthy so nobody believes I am sick. I've had to put up with jokey comments about skiving off college and being lazy when in fact I've been in the hospital or clinic almost every day for the last week and spent every waking moment on the internet trying to make sense of what's wrong and how on earth it was missed. I'm noticing every twinge and pain in my abdomen now that I'm aware of what's wrong, and it makes me feel sick because I'm imagining my pelvic organs swollen and scarred and pulling every time I move. I even went to the doctor three times thinking I had this infection and was told to stop being silly and that I'd know it if I had it. I wouldn't be the type to make a fuss and complain about pain unless it really was painful, but I was not taken seriously at all.

I have signed up for counselling, but there's a waiting list and I won't get an appointment for 8 weeks. I don't have much money and the money I do have, I need to spend on private scans. It seems so silly that my doctors told me to stop worrying and do something about my anxiety when this thing was the source of my anxiety to start with. I put myself through countless tests and swabs and exams to be reassured that everything was OK and they still managed to brush it all off as normal. They made me feel like a silly neurotic little girl with too much time on her hands. I'm finding that really hard to deal with.

The thing is also that whatever is wrong is not likely to be fixable. I've always had bad luck with my health (in the last year had 2 bad chest infections, dry socket after tooth extraction, 2 abnormal smears and more) but normally I don't get down cos I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This time, whatever it is probably can't be cured. All I've ever wanted to be is a mother and I've always had the feeling I'd end up infertile. It feels like my worst nightmare is coming true. I seem to be seeing pregnant women everywhere, and where I have to go for my ultrasound scan is the maternity unit. The lady I handed in my form in to congratulated me, thinking I was pregnant, and I wanted to cry. I feel so bitter and resentful that some women have 3 kids and are still having more when I might not ever have one. I don't know how counselling will be able to fix that.