Comments about 'weight'

desolate sun

I suffered with an eating disorder in the past. Nowadays I am much better but like most people I don't like to put on too much weight.

I am 5'7" and fluctuate between 8.5 and 9 stone. I prefer to be 8.5 stone but when I'm 9stone I look more womanly, but I would still be slim.

What really worries me is that when I lost some weight to be just over 8.5 stone, friends have told me that I look great and "I've lost loads of weight."

I can't understand this - half a stone could not be loads of weight by any stretch of the imagination. I've asked these people did they think I was huge beforehand, or something and they've said no, of course not. I've had these comments from acquantainces and friends.

When I put on some weight to be 9 stone, I told a friend (not a close friend) that I put on some weight and she told me it suited me. She thought I looked 10.5 stone which I found insulting.

My best friend even told me that when I was 'heavier' (i.e. 9 stone) that I was starting to let myself go a bit. :eek:

It gets me really down TBH. I can understand why there are so many young women with eating disorders out there when comments like this are bandied about.

IITYWYBMAD

It's proportionate. When you go from 9 to 8.5 stone, you actually drop 5.5% of your weight! In percentage terms, if I was to lose 5.5% of my body weight, that would be 8 pounds, but I'm taller than you and male, so it would have a similar effect.

I would imagine, at 8.5 stone or 9 stone, and at 5'7", that you are perfectly in proportion, and maybe because of your past issues, you just a little more attuned to comments on weight.

Unfortunately, humans being humans, it's hard for people not to comment, and most (I would assume) would not be aware of you past.

Try and concentrate on how well you look, and be happy with the fact that you are well able to change your look, while not having to go to extremes.

desolate sun

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

maybe because of your past issues, you just a little more attuned to comments on weight.

Most women are attuned to comments on their weight. You don't have to have a eating disorder to be more attuned.

I would imagine, at 8.5 stone or 9 stone, and at 5'7", that you are perfectly in proportion

I would have thought I was in proportion, but apparently I'm not. It's hard to appreciate that you are not overweight when people make comments to the contrary.

IITYWYBMAD

desolate sun wrote: »

Most women are attuned to comments on their weight. You don't have to have a eating disorder to be more attuned.

That's why I qualified the comment with the word 'more' i.e. 'more attuned'.

I would have thought I was in proportion, but apparently I'm not. It's hard to appreciate that you are not overweight when people make comments to the contrary.

I'm no doctor, but going on past experience, I would imagine that your weight is actually bang on for your sex and height.

People can be wrong, you know? Best friends can say things for all sorts of reasons. I get the feeling that you are perfectly happy with your weight and shape, but it's the comments that are really knocking you.

Next time a colleague or friend makes a comment that irks you, tell them. It does not have to be confrontational, but if you don't let them know that you don't appreciate the comment, it will just continue.

LegacyUser

What I find strange is that someone who is good friends with someone who had an eating disorder would make any comment on your weight? Do your friends know about your history?

LegacyUser

At 8.5 stone, at your height, you're almost underweight. You would have a BMI of 18.6. Your BMI (as I'm sure you know) should be between 18.5 and 24.9.
At 9 stone you have a BMI of 19.7. Still at the very low end of normal.

I don't know what kind of friends you have, whether they're good friends or not. I DO know that if they know about your history and comment on your weight, they're fairly stupid. If they don't know of your history, it's a different story.

You need to take your ED mind out of this. 'Better' as you may be, you won't have the same attitude as someone else. Whether your friends know about your past or not, they may know that perhaps you don't have the greatest self-esteem. Telling someone they 'look great' if they've lost weight is a normal reaction - most people DO like to hear that, and their aim was probably to pick you up, and let you know how gorgeous you are.

The 'lost loads of weight' comment being an issue for you really struck a chord with me. You chose to see the negative in that, because that's what disordered thinking does. I assure you they were not thinking that you were huge beforehand, or that you had alot of weight to lose. But I'd imagine on someone as petite as you already were (a BMI of 19.7 IS in the lower range) half a stone loss seems like ALOT of weight.

Your friend who told you you looked 10.5 stone...what height is she? It's very difficult to estimate other peoples weight if you're not the same height as them, if you don't have the same bone structure/muscle mass etc. Our bodies are very individual.

When your 'best friend' told you you were 'letting yourself go a bit', did she refer specifically to your weight or did you assume she meant weight wise? Could she have meant you needed to get your hair done or something?

I'm not trying to trivialise what you're saying. It may simply be true that your friends are complete tools. In which case, you need to get yourself some new friends. What I AM saying (and trust me, I know this only because I've been there) is that YOU don't see weight/fat/numbers the same way other people do. You may place ALOT more worth on it than other people, and consequently read too much into what they're saying.

I'm sorry if I'm completely off base. Like I said, it's possibly your friends are tools. But at 8.5 stone you're practically underweight, and as a recovered individual, that shouldn't be something to aim for. Try to accept yourself at 9 stone.

Out of interest, what eating disorder did you suffer from in the past?
This term is thrown around so loosely and so often that it could be anything from anorexia to liking food too much..

LegacyUser

desolate sun wrote: »

When I put on some weight to be 9 stone, I told a friend (not a close friend) that I put on some weight and she told me it suited me. She thought I looked 10.5 stone which I found insulting.

Could be completely wrong here but this almost sounds as if you must have said to her "how much do you think I weigh then?" Why else would she pluck a figure out of thin air? So she gave you a compliment initially, that it suited you, and YOU decided to turn it into a perceived insult.

You need to stop caring about what other people think and accept yourself at your healthy weight.

Phlann

Throwing around BMI stats on a topic like this is pretty pointless. The weight is less important than how a person wears it, and there's no stat to tell you exactly where on the body the extra weight is going, or what this girl looks like when she's half a stone heavier.

9 stone is not heavy, definitely not at her height, but maybe she just looks better at 8.5 and that's what her friend was trying to tell her. Maybe the fact that somebody guessed that she was 10.5 stone is an indication that she doesn't carry the extra weight well?

LegacyUser

I'm a man and i fluctuate between 9.5st and over 13st! Probably an eating disorder of some description.

I'm almost 12st again and no one passes any remarks. I'm not overweight but I'm not healthy.. i don't eat healthy or exercise at the moment and i certainly don't feel good (i'm working long hours and it takes it toll)

The worst thing, when I was skinny almost everyone insulted me, saying i was too thin.. looked like i had aids or cancer... looked like an african... looked like a girl.. looked like a teenager.. that they were "worried" etc.. never mind that I felt really good, ate well and exercised loads.

My brother said it best.. it's acceptable for men to be fat, but women can't get away with it.

At the end of the day you just need to be able to feel comfortable about yourself and then it won't matter what people think.

LegacyUser

I've gone from 55kg to 65kg since last July and now with a bit of work I'm down to about 62kg (I'm 5'6) - last week I met a girl friend of mine who told me she had never seen me look so well. I think for you that you shouldn't overanalyze things based on the comments of one person - as you said you look far more womanly when you add a few kilos, thats a good thing.

To me its as if your body knows what weight it should be ... you are a woman after all, let it be and spend your energy on other matters.

harvardgal2

5' 7 and 8 stone 5 is definitely bordering on underweight, I don't know how u could look overweight at 9 stone. I am 5 ' 1 and 8 stone 7 and people tell me I am too thin, and to watch myself. I think those who made the comments to you are insecure about their own weight. When people make comments positive or negative about weight its usually because they are thinking of their own weight. You shouldn't take it personally.

Well said tenchifan, it's so true, It's acceptable for men to be fat but women can't get away with it. (That's off my point for OP though!)

daisybelle2008

Spinach wrote: »

Could be completely wrong here but this almost sounds as if you must have said to her "how much do you think I weigh then?" Why else would she pluck a figure out of thin air? So she gave you a compliment initially, that it suited you, and YOU decided to turn it into a perceived insult.

You need to stop caring about what other people think and accept yourself at your healthy weight.

+1. I would go further and say forget about what you weigh on the scales as well as other peoples opinions. Some people will think you are fat some to skinny at the end of the day yours is the only one that counts. You need to find that from within and stop trying to get validation in other peoples comments.

Slutmonkey57b

It's simple - a lot of women are conditioned (by each other) to use "You've lost loads of weight" as an introductory compliment. Weight is used as a social tool. Whether you've actually lots lots of weight is irrelevant. It's the equivalent of two blokes meeting and saying "all right dickhead?". You've done well to get out of the rut of your eating disorder and you should be proud, learn to recognise when this is a throwaway comment (as opposed to a suggestion of concern), say "oh, have I?" and move on.

LegacyUser

OP, do not underestimate the bitchiness of other women.

One of my friends is really slim, actually she has a great figure. One day we were all sitting for lunch and my friend got up to go and one of the other girls commented on how great her figure was and another girl (both girls weren't good friends with my friend, but were acquaintances of mine) said, "but she has a bit of a tummy" :eek

My friend, if she has a tummy, it's small. The girl who made the bitchy comment was a size 14. So I wouldnt worry.
I don't know how someone who is 9stone and at 5'7" could look 10.5stone unless you have big bones or unless you carry weight on your face? Some women can get away with extra weight, if they have slim faces.

vicecreamsundae

i don't think people should comment on other's weight for exactly that reason. someone might think they're giving a casual compliment by saying "there's not a pick on you!" or "you're tiny!" when really they are creating a commentary on your condition. i think it's creepy the way being small and taking up as little space as possible is valued for women.

whether your friends know about your eating disorder history or not, the next time someone comments on your weight just tell them you'd rather they not do that again.

and people's reason's for commenting on your weight do differ. some people genuinely mean to compliment, other's do it to make you feel bad.

i'm a pretty average weight, definitely not skinny, but not noticeably big either. i don't fluctuate much. but whenever i've been away from home for a while, and i come back and see my mom and sister, they go on about "you look great! and you've definitely lost weight!" . and i know for a fact it's not the case, and that i'm the same as the last time they saw me, they just say it to be nice , as if they're complimenting me on my hair. it really annoys me, implying that losing weight is the ultimate goal of self improvement.

one thing i would say, is that when people comment on your body, it really says more about their own body image and values of weight, than yours.

PostHack

Friends are jealous I suspect....

Babooshka

desolate sun wrote: »

I suffered with an eating disorder in the past. Nowadays I am much better but like most people I don't like to put on too much weight.


It gets me really down TBH. I can understand why there are so many young women with eating disorders out there when comments like this are bandied about.

Hi

I am the same height and in and around the same weight and I also had eating issues in the past. If anyone told me, at my current weight that they thought I was "letting myself go" I'd tell them to f*ck off and they wouldn't be on my christmas card list any more for sure.

I'm hazarding a guess here but could you be hanging around with the wrong kind of people for a start? I know having had body issues myself that if anyone said anything about me whether it was are you losing weight or are you gaining weight I'd break out in a sweat, I just don't like people mentioning my weight period. Women with their own body issues are normally the ones who bring it up at all, of which there seem to be a lot around, and you'll have to just accept that if you're to continue your friendships. But perhaps next time one of these so called friends says something about your weight, invert it back at them and ask them how they're feeling about themselves?

The modelling industry has a lot to answer for with five foot ten women weighing six and a half stone. It sounds like you've come through the worst of your own body issues and now you just need to remind yourself that anyone who brings up your weight to you, unless it is a serious health issue, should be avoided. But I would tell them why you'd like to avoid them first and see what they say.

seahorse

Spinach wrote: »

Could be completely wrong here but this almost sounds as if you must have said to her "how much do you think I weigh then?" Why else would she pluck a figure out of thin air? So she gave you a compliment initially, that it suited you, and YOU decided to turn it into a perceived insult.

You need to stop caring about what other people think and accept yourself at your healthy weight.

Have to say I agree with this. It sounds very unlikely to me that this friend just pulled an exact weight out of the air without being asked for an opinion. I don't know any woman who would do that.

OP, you need to stop obsessing about your weight and others peoples opinions of it. Surely you can see that this is all part of your disordered thinking around food? I think you should contact bodywhys and get this issue sorted for once and for all.

desolate sun

first of all thank you for all the replies.
I havent much time to reply to all of them now at the moment but I would like to reply to this as it came up twice

seahorse wrote: »

Have to say I agree with this. It sounds very unlikely to me that this friend just pulled an exact weight out of the air without being asked for an opinion. I don't know any woman who would do that.

My friend who came up with this number actually weighs 10.5 stone herself. Thats where the figure came from. I never asked her what I weighed - I would never ask someone what I weigh. In fact if you are geting over an eating disorder the last thing you want is someone commenting on your weight

OP, you need to stop obsessing about your weight and others peoples opinions of it. Surely you can see that this is all part of your disordered thinking around food?

You can't just click your fingers and you stop thinking about weight. It's like saying to a recovering alcoholic - "stop thinking about drink, will you?"

lynsalot

Hi Op,

Something similar happened to me for different reasons. I'm overweight and since Xmas I've really been piling on the lbs. I'm starting a diet tomorrow. I'm not happy with my weight at all!!

Anyway I was away at the weekend with my boyfriend whose also overweight and a group of teenage boys roared across the road at us calling us a fat b4stard and a fat cnut. Sorry for the bad language but I was really upset about it.

To think that these thoughtless kids could affect me like this. I felt like I was 15 again and very self conscious. Anyway the point I'm making is people can be thoughtless and while I don't think your friends meant their comments in a menacing manner, i'm sure they didn't mean anything by it.

Once your happy with yourself thats the important thing. Would it be unthinkable that maybe some of your female friends are a small bit jealous... perhaps they envy your figure, or perhaps know about ur past and how you've gotten through it.

My only point is, you should be happy with yourself and don't let these comments get to you. Yes they're thoughtless but I'm sure they're not worrying about it now. So you shouldn't either.

harvardgal2

lynsalot wrote: »

Hi Op,

Something similar happened to me for different reasons. I'm overweight and since Xmas I've really been piling on the lbs. I'm starting a diet tomorrow. I'm not happy with my weight at all!!

Anyway I was away at the weekend with my boyfriend whose also overweight and a group of teenage boys roared across the road at us calling us a fat b4stard and a fat cnut. Sorry for the bad language but I was really upset about it.

To think that these thoughtless kids could affect me like this. I felt like I was 15 again and very self conscious. Anyway the point I'm making is people can be thoughtless and while I don't think your friends meant their comments in a menacing manner, i'm sure they didn't mean anything by it.

Once your happy with yourself thats the important thing. Would it be unthinkable that maybe some of your female friends are a small bit jealous... perhaps they envy your figure, or perhaps know about ur past and how you've gotten through it.

My only point is, you should be happy with yourself and don't let these comments get to you. Yes they're thoughtless but I'm sure they're not worrying about it now. So you shouldn't either.

Hi Lynsalot,

Teenage boys have to be the cruelest people on the planet so I'd try to not let their comments affect you. I say try as I know how difficult it can be.

I used to be overweight but I lost it and am much happier now. If you want to loose weight do, but don't let others comments affect how you feel. You will only loose weight because you want to not for any other reason.

Take your own words onboard

Good luck.

LegacyUser

tenchifan wrote: »

I'm a man and i fluctuate between 9.5st and over 13st! Probably an eating disorder of some description.

I'm almost 12st again and no one passes any remarks. I'm not overweight but I'm not healthy.. i don't eat healthy or exercise at the moment and i certainly don't feel good (i'm working long hours and it takes it toll)

The worst thing, when I was skinny almost everyone insulted me, saying i was too thin.. looked like i had aids or cancer... looked like an african... looked like a girl.. looked like a teenager.. that they were "worried" etc.. never mind that I felt really good, ate well and exercised loads.

My brother said it best.. it's acceptable for men to be fat, but women can't get away with it.

At the end of the day you just need to be able to feel comfortable about yourself and then it won't matter what people think.

Yeah,im a guy and ive a bmi of 16.8.If people said ''your so skinny'',you take it as a compliment.if they say ''the weight suits you'', you get determined to get smaller.you cant win.and people assume cuz im a guy,its my natural size,i must be embarressed at not being bulky!

beks101

desolate sun wrote: »

You can't just click your fingers and you stop thinking about weight. It's like saying to a recovering alcoholic - "stop thinking about drink, will you?"

I fully agree and empathise with you on this one OP, but all the same, you and you alone are responsible for how you think about yourself, and I do believe you have the ability to put these comments in perspective and not obsess over them.

As someone else said, weight is a social tool for many, many women and it will ALWAYS be this way, that's not something you can control. What you can control is what you do with them. They're hitting a nerve? Then say so. You don't have to become confrontational and create an awkward situation; you simply say 'I don't really talk about weight, to be honest.' Make it clear that's a no-go area.

I personally think it's downright rude for someone to start throwing out estimations of your weight, but then, people can be ignorant, sh1t happens. It wouldn't be a big deal to you if you weren't so hung up on numbers, so perhaps taking a step back from the scales would be a good idea. Give it a shot for a week or two, you might find it's not such a scary thing.

Bottom line OP...these comments wouldn't brush off many women (I'm always taken aback when someone comments on my weight, especially if figures are thrown in the mix), but it's not healthy to be so hung up on them, and this is a reflection of your unhealthy preoccupation with weight.

LegacyUser

desolate sun wrote: »

first of all thank you for all the replies.
I havent much time to reply to all of them now at the moment but I would like to reply to this as it came up twice




My friend who came up with this number actually weighs 10.5 stone herself. Thats where the figure came from. I never asked her what I weighed - I would never ask someone what I weigh. In fact if you are geting over an eating disorder the last thing you want is someone commenting on your weight



You can't just click your fingers and you stop thinking about weight. It's like saying to a recovering alcoholic - "stop thinking about drink, will you?"

OP if you're eating disorder was as serious as this that you compare it to an alcoholic, surely you're friends know about it right? Why do they bring up your weight? I'm really curious about this

seahorse

desolate sun wrote: »

My friend who came up with this number actually weighs 10.5 stone herself. Thats where the figure came from. I never asked her what I weighed - I would never ask someone what I weigh. In fact if you are geting over an eating disorder the last thing you want is someone commenting on your weight

So you felt "insulted" that your friend presumed you were the same weight as her? Do you not see how your response here would surely be received as insulting to your friend?

Besides that, there is nothing to be insulted about here. If you were 10.5 stone at 5ft 7ins tall you'd be well within a healthy BMI and not the least bit overweight.

desolate sun wrote: »

You can't just click your fingers and you stop thinking about weight. It's like saying to a recovering alcoholic - "stop thinking about drink, will you?"

Nobody is suggesting that you stop obsessing about weight in an instant; not for a moment am I suggesting that. I have a close female relative who's anorexic, so I have observed how this illness operates, and I know there are no quick fixes here. You do have to start somewhere though, and I believe that, just like an alcoholic has to first accept that they have no control over alcohol, a person with disordered thinking around food and weight has to accept that the illness is outside of their control and seek professional help.

I have watched my relative insist that her anorexia is under her control for over fifteen years, and in that time I have witnessed her tragic and I am sorry to say pathetic attempts to deny that her disorder is outside of her personal control. Her weight sometimes plummets until the bones are literally sticking out of her arse and she is wearing chicken fillets in her bra to simulate a pair of breasts. She needs help but you cannot change what you don't acknowledge. You don’t sound like you're as unwell as the woman I'm talking about, but the problem with these disorders is that they rarely, if ever, go away on their own. Until you've received professional help there is always the danger that something will pull you back into the illness, and that's not something I'd wish on any woman.

My advice to you is to contact bodywhys and set about the business of making yourself better. I’ll post the link here. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/