I have no friends and I'm unemployed.

LegacyUser

I'll start from the beginning, as a child I was bullied by almost everyone in school and had very few friends. I didn't do very well with the friends I did have because my parents were so overprotective that I wasn't allowed go to friends' houses after school, and the fact that we lived in the sticks rather than an estate meant that I was never able to just "play on the road". So I think I missed out on a lot of social skills.

During college I did make some friends but I always felt like the outsider. It wasn't so bad in first year but in second year a family member died and I went into a deep depression.
I began drinking heavily and got way too drunk and emotional when on nights out with my friends. Eventually they stopped inviting me out with them. I always had to make the first move and ask if they were going out but they would never actually invite me.
In my final year I had cleaned up my act but I suppose they already had it in their heads by then that I was a loud drunk mess so they didn't invite me places.
After graduation we all moved apart from each other and while I'd get a message from them on Bebo every now and then, there would never be a phonecall or an invitation to any of their nights out, which they talked about on Facebook all the time. I'd tell them to let me know when they were going out but they never did.
Luckily I had a boyfriend but I mostly stayed with him just for company, not for love anyway. I preferred a Friday night with him than sitting at home on my own. I then decided maybe I should follow the normal "depressed" advice and go travelling (no clubs in my area) so off I went backpacking in Asia for a year.

I taught English during the day and hung out with people from my college class and their friends. I did enjoy the year but had some very dark moments, being so far away from home in a foreign culture is hard and I had an abusive boyfriend who bullied me badly. Plus, one night we were in a club and I got attacked by some random girl. I had to defend myself but word spread back to my "friends" from home and they were making jokes asking "Oh I hear you were up to your old drunken messy ways". They are the type of people who make half-jokes, they do it to other people all the time, so I knew they were thinking, she is still as nuts as ever.
Before I came back they were all "oh can't wait to see you, when are you back?". That made me feel really happy. The day I came back, in November, I got some "welcome home" texts and I replied "we must meet up soon its been a long time".
They often leave me messages on Facebook but I have not actually seen them. They all call and visit each other regularly and plan nights out well in advance but I never get an invite. At the moment I have no social life at all. I spend all my time at home watching TV. I am trying and trying to get a job but no luck. I would love to go off to America or somewhere for a while but I have no money.

I think I am just not a good person. I talk a lot, probably too much. I am never popular, I think I am probably too talkative and giggly for most people. I have tried to tone it down but I suppose first impressions count. I don't know what to do. I can hold a conversation but I never make close friends, and I am desperate for close friends- people probably sense it!!!

What should I do?

hyperbaby

Wow this really sounds just like me except i have never really done the getting mad drunk thing too often because i usually get bitchy or very self-reflective and sad when i drink too much.

i too find it extremely difficult to make friends or make a better relationship with the ones i have. I tend to over talk to fill awkward silences and people must think i'm a fool sometimes for interrupting and it coming across as i want to be the centre of attention. Talk is cheap and people are full of **** when it comes to Facebook. I am very envious that you went to Asia though, it is something i have wanted to do for quite a while but have yet to find the courage to do so. Saying that I also am going through a split with a bully boyfriend who treated me atrociously.

I know you are looking for advice and i'm not a very good one to be giving it. how about doing something you are interested in? i know you don't have much money but how about volunteering or seeing if there is any clubs that you can join for free. Good luck with finding the friends, it's a very difficult tasks but you never know who is around the corner.

desolate sun

CanaryYellow wrote: »

I talk a lot, probably too much. I am never popular, I think I am probably too talkative and giggly for most people. I have tried to tone it down but I suppose first impressions count.

Never change who you are for other people. If they don't like you being talkative or too giggly then they aren't worth knowing. You are who you are.

TBH your college 'friends' aren't worth pursuing. You lost a family member and consoled yourself with drink. Did any of them actually talk to you about this when it happened? DId they provide a shoulder to cry on?
I found when I left college, while I made some good friends there, a lot of them were just 'drinking buddies', as you do a lot of socialising in college. Those relationships never lasted outside of college.

Like the other poster said join some volunteering groups. In my town there is an actual volunteering organisation where you go and chat to them and they put you in touch with all of the volunteer organisations.
It is better to make new friends than pursue a bunch of indifferent 'friends'
Good luck

cherryred

Hi try this site
http://www.meetup.com/cities/ie/dublin/
assuming your in Dublin but there are others around the country
being chatty and giggly is a good thing!

nyarlothothep

College degree, travelling, employed as a teacher, you sound quite successful.

A lot of people are unemployed, don't beat yourself up about it. As for friends etc, just be yourself and relax I guess.

spinandscribble

dont even think you should change ever. sure not everyone likes chatty but not everyone likes quiet people either. i know the old join clubs/courses is like flogging a dead horse but its pretty useful. Even starting an account here on boards might help if you go to some of the meets. feel free to pm me op if you ever want a chat.

theg81der

I think theres alot more people in this situation than you think. I`ve had people tell me I`d keep talkin if they left the room and I`d not notice so ... but at the end of the day I`m a very people centred person and that means I`m very caring and less materialistic so its all good. Don`t be down on your self op other peoples barriers are only their fear. And even thou this smacks of desperate if you need a friend pm me!

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.

hyperbaby wrote:

Wow this really sounds just like me except i have never really done the getting mad drunk thing too often because i usually get bitchy or very self-reflective and sad when i drink too much.

This happens to me too

hyperbaby wrote:

i too find it extremely difficult to make friends or make a better relationship with the ones i have. I tend to over talk to fill awkward silences and people must think i'm a fool sometimes for interrupting and it coming across as i want to be the centre of attention.

This is the exact same as me!!! I can talk and talk but somehow I never seem to really bond with people. I know all about filling silences, somehow I always feel like I have to keep conversation going but I can never think of much to say so I usually end up making small talk about anything I can think of. Sometimes it can sound like I want to be the centre of attention too. I don't mean to. For example if someone said they love, I dunno, a particular band, I'd start talking about how much I like them too but maybe I overdo it.

desolate sun wrote:

TBH your college 'friends' aren't worth pursuing. You lost a family member and consoled yourself with drink. Did any of them actually talk to you about this when it happened? DId they provide a shoulder to cry on?
I found when I left college, while I made some good friends there, a lot of them were just 'drinking buddies', as you do a lot of socialising in college. Those relationships never lasted outside of college.

Yeah, I think I'm done pursuing them now. I have asked them so many times to let me know if they're going out but they never do. I only live a few minutes away from a couple of them and could usually make it out at the last minute, and with the others, because they live a while away, any nights out are planned well in advance- which is even worse.
All I got when the family member died was "sorry to hear about it". It was a member of my extended family who I didn't see very much so I suppose they just figured it wouldn't affect me too much but it did.

I am desperately lonely. I hope to get a nice job and earn decent money but then I think, for what? I could spend it on nice clothes but where will I wear them to. Could spend it on a holiday but who would I go with? (those 18-30 things really don't appeal).

This whole situation has also really affected my love life. I have had a normal number of boyfriends but the problem is, because I have so little going on, when I am with someone I want to spend way too much time out of them just because I'm lonely. And little things upset me that shouldn't, purely because I have nothing else to distract me. I end up putting up with all sorts of crap just so I am not on my own. In addition, because I don't have close friends to confide in, because I am so desperate for closeness with someone I end up getting way too close and confiding way too much with a boyfriend way too soon, and for some of them it's a lot to take. Plus it means that if they turn out to be a prick 3 weeks in, I'm already hopelessly attached.

It's a vicious circle.

Moomoo1

you poor thing. I can sympathise with quite a lot of what you said: there is a type of person that absolutely cannot handle loneliness and isolation.

I also had several problems in conversing with people: even now most of the people close to me are foreigners. I think there are plenty of lonely people out there, especially in today's society, but for some perverse reason they never ever find each other. Maybe it's because they are depressed and assume that they are the only person in the world with that sort of problem, I don't know.

When I was in university, I was pretty much like you: I really wished there'd be more people in the same boat, but no, all people around me seemed perfectly normal well-adjusted individuals. Or maybe they just pretended well, and did what you did and hung out with people that weren't really their friends...

LegacyUser

CanaryYellow wrote: »

Sometimes it can sound like I want to be the centre of attention too. I don't mean to. For example if someone said they love, I dunno, a particular band, I'd start talking about how much I like them too but maybe I overdo it.

I used to do the exact same thing, until I realised that people thought I wasn't interested in them because I was always talking about myself. It's a nervous thing, you want to show people that you're just like them, but all they can see is someone who's self-absorbed! Give the other person time to finish what they're saying, and eventually they'll ask 'What about you?' or something along those lines, then you'll be able to let them know that you've similar interests.

Your friends don't sound like much to be honest, you weren't overbearing, you just told them to let you know when they're going out. Extremely selfish of them to leave you out. All I can say is they don't sound like friends, and you can bet money on it that they as a group don't get on all that well either (selfishness of the kind they displayed is very hard to ignore, and I'm sure you're not the only who has felt the brunt of it)

You sound very thoughtful and considerate, you'll have no problem meeting and getting along with new people. Put the past behind you, it was a difficult time for you. Consider today a new start

LegacyUser

Keeplookingup wrote: »

I used to do the exact same thing, until I realised that people thought I wasn't interested in them because I was always talking about myself. It's a nervous thing, you want to show people that you're just like them, but all they can see is someone who's self-absorbed! Give the other person time to finish what they're saying, and eventually they'll ask 'What about you?' or something along those lines, then you'll be able to let them know that you've similar interests.

I think this is a big part of my problem. I can think of feck all to talk about so I just end up talking about things I do know about- myself.

Keeplookingup wrote: »

Your friends don't sound like much to be honest, you weren't overbearing, you just told them to let you know when they're going out. Extremely selfish of them to leave you out.

I am so hurt that even after a year of being away, none of them seem to want to see me.
There is one friend I met on my travels who has been a really good friend to me but I think even she is sick of how depressed I am. I sent her an IM on Monday night and she said she was too busy to talk and asked could we chat on Thursday night (last night) but when I signed in she was talking to someone else (mentioned it in her status) and said nothing to me. I had been really looking forward to talking to her.

I am so lonely. My phone does not ring from one end of the week to the next. I wish I had a dog so I had something to get me out of the house and keep me occupied but my current circumstances just don't allow it. I can't even go for a drive at the moment because I can't afford insurance- I still haven't received my dole.

I do have an ex who was amazingly supportive to me while I was going through the normal traveller's problems while I was away but he has a new girlfriend now and stopped talking to me within a week of starting to go out with her. I guess she didn't want me to be in the picture.

LegacyUser

Having a really bad night tonight. I am so lonely and have a horrible sadness right down to my gut. I'm thinking about my ex and all the fights we had, and the thoughts of him with anyone else is killing me with jealousy.

If anyone has any other advice at all it would be much appreciated.

Victor

Try to distract yourself and think of something more positive. Hard to do sometimes, but can be really useful.

Birdsong

I can understand what you mean with regard to your childhood, i had an illness and my parents were super over- protective, best of intentions but when i got to college, and had to deal with things on my own, i hardly knew how to say hello to people.

When I left college & starting working, I realised i was in the same position as you, none of the people I people I thought were my friends had any interest in meeting up.

After a while I decided I wanted to get to know people who were interested in things I was interested in, the womens mini marathon was coming up so I joined a meet & train group ( always advertised in Thursdays hearld) to train with them, and I have to say 3 years later, some of those people are the best friends I have, weekends away, common interest.
You are unemployed so money is probably tight but the local libarys all have book clubs, join them to meet the people. There is a drama group on boards.

The link for meetup looks good. As cliched as it sounds groups & clubs are the best way, joining a gym or night class is very individual focused.

I think you have to get to know people first,have something in common, expand your social circle, then you become friends without even knowing it.

All you had in commom with the people from college was the fact that you went to college together,nothing about you or them as a person.

Sorry for going on, but I know what its like to be sitting at home doing nothing. Make it your 2010 resolution to get out there, meet more people & if you make friends great.

brumindub

Hiya Canary Yellow,

I can understand your situation.

LegacyUser

Birdsong wrote: »

When I left college & starting working, I realised i was in the same position as you, none of the people I people I thought were my friends had any interest in meeting up.

After a while I decided I wanted to get to know people who were interested in things I was interested in, the womens mini marathon was coming up so I joined a meet & train group ( always advertised in Thursdays hearld) to train with them, and I have to say 3 years later, some of those people are the best friends I have, weekends away, common interest.
You are unemployed so money is probably tight but the local libarys all have book clubs, join them to meet the people. There is a drama group on boards.

The link for meetup looks good. As cliched as it sounds groups & clubs are the best way, joining a gym or night class is very individual focused.

I think you have to get to know people first,have something in common, expand your social circle, then you become friends without even knowing it.

All you had in commom with the people from college was the fact that you went to college together,nothing about you or them as a person.

Sorry for going on, but I know what its like to be sitting at home doing nothing. Make it your 2010 resolution to get out there, meet more people & if you make friends great.

Those are some great suggestions! Gonna have a look at the Mini Marathon now.
My dole has finally come through so at least now I have some income and can get the car insured- I love driving and now I can apply for more jobs since I can get to more places.