Just a drugged-up loser

LegacyUser

The title refers to myself. I have posted on here many times before about various things;depression, social anxiety, self-hatred etc. I finally decided to get help over Christmas and my GP put on 30 mgs of Zispin. It takes a while to work so he gave me a short course of Rivotril (0.5mg) as he was worried I was considering suicide.
I had to get something along with the Zispin because as I say it was taking too long to work and I was having difficulty doing my job. Last week was pure hell, waking early in the morning with terrible thoughts running through my head. I made a few mistakes in work but nobody noticed I think.
This week has been better (thanks to the Rivotril I suppose).
During the consultation my GP repeatedly asked me had I considered suicide. I didn't take offence, he has to ask that to cover himself (and also because I believe he is genuinely concerned in fairness to him).
I am not suicidal but I am gutted that it has come to this. I am looking at a lifetime of permanent medication on anti-depressants. What does that say about me as a person?
I know you are all going to trot out the facts;200,000 people in Ireland on some form of anti-depressant etc. etc. I know all that but it still makes me feel deeply ashamed.
Nobody else knows about it except for me, my mother and my GP but still, it's something that makes me hang my head.
I can't get through the day without a pill, others can. Therefore I am weaker than them.
You can't dress it up any other way really can you?

LegacyUser

Its not weakness to deal with your problems.

You are set up different from others; you face different challenges. How do you know how they would cope with your challenges?

Asking for help is brave.

LegacyUser

JohnnyGuitar wrote: »

I can't get through the day without a pill, others can. Therefore I am weaker than them.
You can't dress it up any other way really can you?

I know what you are saying. I felt the same when I took them at a point in my life. You need help because you can't cope. The drugs give you the time and space to build on these coping skills - and eventually that will happen if you want it to happen. I took AD for 5 years until I developed the skills I needed to manage life. I've been off them for 6 years now, and although there are bad times, I can cope and get out of that space immediately (before entering the spiral).
So what I'm saying, this is not necessarily a life sentance, it's a necessary aide to getting out of that dark place. It won't be quick, but if resolve to develop these coping skills (a dozen ways to do it, I'm no going to lecture you than avoid the usual quacks and "life changing" books). I am not weak (successful life, work blah blah) and neither are you. Use the drugs to give you the strength to build those skills until you can cope without.

Milky Moo

I felt exactly the same way as you, I spent about 8months battling against taking anything, 3 of them I was seeing a councellor.

When I first went to my GP about it he said I would need the pills just to get me rebalanced, I refused and went to a therapist.

I went to the therapist she gave me techniques and I would talk and cry and feel alittle better walking out the door.

I remember when I was out and about with friends, trying to just live in the moment, I would go to the bathroom and breakdown thinking ' I have tried all the techniques my therapist has said I feel no different I still feel depressed it never goes away, the only thing that will change me is if I go on pills'

Upon that realisation I cried and cried I didn't want to go on pills who does it is like an admission that you can't cope you are not strong as everyone else, I fought I tried to rationalise. I read self help books but it never changed.

Then in one session my therapist suggested I go on pills and thought that's it even this woman who praised me for not taking the pill route thinks I am not going to get better without them.

So i took them, the week before I did I actually started feeling better I don't know why it just felt like I could finally stop fighting, that someone was going to pick me up and walk me the rest of the way.

It may not have been the best way to come to taking the pills but dear god I am happy I did, I am only 10mg of lexapro and I am not great all the time but who is!

I really don't think I could function the way I do now as my life is now (chaotic), If I didn't treat my depression with pills.

Now I am not saying take the pills and you will be fine, you will need therapy, you will need to have an open dialogue with the people you are closed to and you will need to realise you will still have ****ty days when you just won't want to go on!

Medication is liking setting a broken leg and the therapy is like pyshio, that as simply as I can put it.

And please don't feel weak, I know that is how i felt but you are not! You have survived days upon days of utter dispair and you are still here you have been strong enough for long enough.
Don't you deserve some help? Don't you deserve to not have to fight so hard every waking day?

mossy1982

Ask your GP about CBT. Give it a go. Stick with it. You will get better, but it can take some time to find what works and what doesn't.

LegacyUser

Well if you are a drugged up loser then so am I!

I am currently taking 20mg of Lexapro a day plus Xanax.

I need them due to having stress in my life that I cannot change or do anything about at the moment.

I know to feel well I need them, I am not ashamed, I have told family and friends and I consider myself quite responsible for facing up to the fact I did need help.

Being depressed is not something you have control over, its an illness same as having a kidney infection and you would take antibiotics to cure that.

I admire you for admitting to yourself and seeing your doctor in the first place, its not easy to admit because I dragged my heels at first.

Once the tablets kicked in I was back to feeling myself again and thank the tablets for doing that for me.

Once my stress is over, hopefully soon I hope to start cutting down on how much I need but until I feel ready I will continue to take them.

I want to feel good about myself and function normally and if that means taking medication to allow me to do so, then so be it. The alternative is not an option

Kelda09

Hi OP. First off... Going to your GP and looking for help is a sign of great strength, and it is something you should be proud of yourself for doing, It shows you are strong enough to recognise the need for help and are willing to accept it, which in my opinion is just about as far from weak as anybody can go. Its not going to be an easy time, but it will get better and it need not be a lifetime thing. With counselling and hopefully some of the stressors in your life changing there is a very good chance that you will come off the meds, just give yourself a chance.

One other thing I would suggest is to talk to friends and family. They care for you and it might be easier for you if you can discuss your frustrations and anxieties about the medication with others. People will not judge you, and Im not suggesting putting out a full page advert in the Indo to tell everyone, but if there are people you feel you can trust and confide in then consider talking to them.

And finally: you are NOT a drugged up loser by any means, go a bit easier on yourself and recognise your strengths. I hope things improve for you, and Im sorry for the long winded post. :o

Bonito

mossy1982 wrote: »

Ask your GP about CBT. Give it a go. Stick with it. You will get better, but it can take some time to find what works and what doesn't.

Excellent idead. I have seen a case of a young chap who developed TS, became depressed, anxious, angry etc and doctors were reluctant to put him on any form of pills so instead they merely gave him something that would calm him during the night so he could sleep and then started up a routine of CBT and he had improved unbelievably in a matter of a couple of months.

Op you are far from a drugged up loser and you seem to be coming in to the right mind set of pulling strength together and saying to yourself right I don't need these pills anymore and from now on everyone will see the real me. You'll shine through Op just stick with it

tchoo

unregistered wrote: »

Its not weakness to deal with your problems.

...

Asking for help is brave.

This.

So many people out there are running around without facing their problems with varying outcomes...

Barracudaincork

JohnnyGuitar wrote: »

.
I am looking at a lifetime of permanent medication on anti-depressants. What does that say about me as a person?

It says you are strong enough to go and do something about this. I love the saying "sure arent we all held together with doctors glue" and its so true it doesnt matter what your illness is, at the end of the day most of us all end up with some form of health problem we need drugs for.

I for one think you are so brave and an inspiration to others out there and i just cant but thinking You Rock!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Someone with type one diabetes will slip into a coma and die unless they regularly administer insulin.

I don't see that as a weakness and I don't see how its any different for your problems op

LegacyUser

Thanks to those that have posted kind words but I can't help but feel that you are only saying that to make me feel better. My GP is going to arrange a consultation with a psychiatrist for me. This is how bad things have got and it makes me feel like not bothering existing anymore.
I have achieved very little of note in life. I have very few close friends, I am educated to degree level but have not been very successful in my career so far, I've never had a girlfriend (I'm in my late thirties). I have a job but it's not a very good one. I have a no social life bar going to GAA matches and soccer games with my one close friend. I have never travelled outside of Ireland or the UK (I would like to though).
I'm at a stage in my life where I am taking stock and I don't like what I see. I have really hit rock bottom and see very little to look forward to. Nothing excites anymore, one day drifts into another with no purpose to it.
I couldn't imagine anyone wanting anything to do with me. I love my parents and my sister, losing me would ruin their lives forever, it would be a totally selfish act.
If they didn't exist I might think about it though but I've never done anything courageous in my life so killing myself is out of the question.
I think my GP put me on Rivotril as he genuinely feared I was considering it. I visited him in a distressed state last week and he repeatedly asked me the question which shocks me that I have got to to this stage.
I hate what I've become, I think I am sure I will never accomplish anything of note. My parents are getting older, I am not getting any younger, when they are not there for me anymore who will be? These questions scare the hell out of me. What will I become? Will I end up in a mental institution? Will I ever function properly as a human being?
I am a mess, I have failed at life but I don't want to kill myself, It's hard to explain how I feel, I want to be a success at something, anything but I fear it is too late.
By the way, those that are on meds like me, I don't want you reading this and thinking you are a failure because you are on anti-depressants too. This is just my take on it.

Milky Moo

The consultation is a great thing, You are never going to get better by just taking some pills. They arn't a cure all.
This is a really positive step, by talking and finding out why you find yourself in this situation you can learn from it.
You can also learn some coping skills

The pills will help you stay on an ever keel until you can work through your depression with a therapists help.

As my councellor once said 'Milly Moo I hate to break it to you but you arn't unique in this, people have came in here and said the exact same thing you have just said, it's the depressive thoughts talking.'