My Girlfriend is Depressed.

LegacyUser

Ill try & keep this to the point. Basically my girlfriend of 3 years is depressed & is constantly putting herself down. She hates the way she looks & thinks no body likes her. In fact the opposite is the truth. She is a stunning lookin girl & she is so so nice. Ive never ever heard anyone say a bad word against her. She has no self esteem & is constantly asking me if she is fat & ugly. In fact she often askes me over 50 times a day (Ive counted) & being honest after being asked so many times, I get pissed off & end up giveing out to her. Ive tried reassuring her but she dosent take any heed of wat Im saying. She says she has a boring life & she thinks all her friends think she boring, but in fact we are after coming back from a 2 week holiday to the US, & she is out most weekends with her single friends. To try and keep her happy I end up spending my weekends waiting on her hand & foot. Money is tight so I let her go out with her friends while I stay in. I havnt been out since the oct bank holiday weekend. We havnt had sex in over 2 years & Ive been very patient. I havnt put her under pressure & Ive tried talking to her about it & she says she just dosent have the urge. I love her to bits but its just gone to the stage where I cant take this any more. Maybe Im being selfish but I need to feel loved & cared for.

If any of ye could give me advice, It would be appreciated

Peggypeg

Tipp Mafia wrote: »

Ill try & keep this to the point. Basically my girlfriend of 3 years is depressed & is constantly putting herself down. She hates the way she looks & thinks no body likes her. In fact the opposite is the truth. She is a stunning lookin girl & she is so so nice. Ive never ever heard anyone say a bad word against her. She has no self esteem & is constantly asking me if she is fat & ugly. In fact she often askes me over 50 times a day (Ive counted) & being honest after being asked so many times, I get pissed off & end up giveing out to her. Ive tried reassuring her but she dosent take any heed of wat Im saying. She says she has a boring life & she thinks all her friends think she boring, but in fact we are after coming back from a 2 week holiday to the US, & she is out most weekends with her single friends. To try and keep her happy I end up spending my weekends waiting on her hand & foot. Money is tight so I let her go out with her friends while I stay in. I havnt been out since the oct bank holiday weekend. We havnt had sex in over 2 years & Ive been very patient. I havnt put her under pressure & Ive tried talking to her about it & she says she just dosent have the urge. I love her to bits but its just gone to the stage where I cant take this any more. Maybe Im being selfish but I need to feel loved & cared for.

If any of ye could give me advice, It would be appreciated

Sweetie, has she ever been told by a doctor she has depression coz to me it sounds like she's suffering from being a selfish and selfcentred cow. You say she's so so nice but yet you have to tell her 50 times a day that she's pretty, you haven't been out since October and she goes out every weekend and you spend the weekend waiting on her hand and foot!!!! Sweetie she sounds like a manipulative bitch. You haven't had sex in 2 years!!! Sweetie, that is not a relationship, you're her slave and atm not a boyfriend. Tell her to get herself to councelling and get sorted out or you are walking. To be quite honest this girl is blatently taking you for a ride, if you put up with that well I'd be going to councelling yourself to find out why you taken this threatment from her for over 2 years. You need to cop on.

apollo1982

She needs a psychologist: http://www.psihq.ie/Find%20a%20Psychologist1.pdf

mood

Get her to see her GP and maybe go with her. She need help. Also has she close friend you can talk to about this? They could help as well maybe. You can't handle this on your own.

LegacyUser

She went to the Doc before & he put her on exfer. Now any time Ive asked her about it she wont talk about it. She gets pure ratty at me

ManOfMystery

Peggypeg wrote: »

Sweetie, has she ever been told by a doctor she has depression coz to me it sounds like she's suffering from being a selfish and selfcentred cow. You say she's so so nice but yet you have to tell her 50 times a day that she's pretty, you haven't been out since October and she goes out every weekend and you spend the weekend waiting on her hand and foot!!!! Sweetie she sounds like a manipulative bitch. You haven't had sex in 2 years!!! Sweetie, that is not a relationship, you're her slave and atm not a boyfriend. Tell her to get herself to councelling and get sorted out or you are walking. To be quite honest this girl is blatently taking you for a ride, if you put up with that well I'd be going to councelling yourself to find out why you taken this threatment from her for over 2 years. You need to cop on.

Afraid I agree totally with PeggyPeg here. There's a fine line between genuine depression and being totally self-centred, and from the description you've given above, it sounds like your girl simply needs a lot of attention and reassurance that she is stunning. How you've managed to put up with this for 2 years is beyond me. What's she like when she's not wanting her ego massaged, is she fun to be with? Do you talk much together? Does she have a job, ambitions, etc?

There comes a point when she has to look at herself and say: I'm needy, I let my boyfriend do everything for me, I don't have sex with him, what do I actually do for HIM? IMO a major case of complacency is to blame here.

Sanjuro

Tipp Mafia wrote: »

To try and keep her happy I end up spending my weekends waiting on her hand & foot. Money is tight so I let her go out with her friends while I stay in. I havnt been out since the oct bank holiday weekend. We havnt had sex in over 2 years & Ive been very patient. I havnt put her under pressure & Ive tried talking to her about it & she says she just dosent have the urge.

Dude, this isn't a relationship, I'm afraid. There needs to be a radical change or else things are going to fall apart. I wouldn't tell you to get out of it right now, but if it were me in your shoes, I'd be pretty close to walking away. In fact, I probably would have by now.

mossy1982

Tipp Mafia wrote: »

She went to the Doc before & he put her on exfer. Now any time Ive asked her about it she wont talk about it. She gets pure ratty at me

It sounds like your girl friend has very low self esteem, and is constantly bothered by it and is constantly looking for reassurance. I don't think what other posters are saying about her being self centred and selfish is helpful. Obviously she would like to be a happy confident person but is stuck with her issues at the moment. She should see a psychologist and commit to working on her self-esteem and her issues. It takes a fair bit of time and effort but it will be worth it in the end. Talk to her about this. Offer to support her. If she is unwilling to make any effort to change then think about walking away. Make it clear that she really has to make a big effort to sort her head out or else.

Here's a good start: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Low-Self-esteem-Behavioural-Techniques/dp/1854877259

foxinsox

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is suffering from depression. I would advise you to try again with the doctor, if she won't go maybe talk to her family, her mum? Maybe try a different doctor? Try sitting her down and talking to her about it.. calmly and lovingly. The longer someone suffers the feelings you've described the harder it would be to open up to someone and actually ask for help.

Have a look at aware.ie or google depression, you know much more about your girlfriend than anyone in here and you or her family would be the best judge.

There are loads of anti-depressant medicines and not all are suitable for all people, like any medication they must be taken correctly.
Anti-depressants can take up to 6-8 weeks to be effective.

I think you need to try and get her help, if you are really worried call a professional for advice.

Hope things work out.

sam34

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Afraid I agree totally with PeggyPeg here. There's a fine line between genuine depression and being totally self-centred,

i have to disagree here.

clinical depression is very different from being self-centered.

Ecobluff

sam34 wrote: »

i have to disagree here.

clinical depression is very different from being self-centered.

+1

I agree, people with depression tend to become inward looking, she needs support and encouragement to get help. I'd really advise seeing a gp in the first instance as the right anti depressant could sort things out quite quickly -withinn a few months. Cognitive behavioural therapy might be a more long term option to exlore when shes on a more even keel.

theg81der

Hi op! I think you need to go to couples counselling and confront the issues. 2 years is to long. I find it hard to tell whats going on here she`s either genuine or she is takin the p*ss. What was your sex life like for the first year? Is she attracted to you? Maybe you actually need to assert yourself as a man and be all masterful (well I`m a girl and I like it no matter how political incorrect it is, if I wantd someone overly sensitive to my feelings I`d date a woman!)

wasper

Tipp Mafia wrote: »

Ill try & keep this to the point. Basically my girlfriend of 3 years is depressed & is constantly putting herself down. She hates the way she looks & thinks no body likes her. In fact the opposite is the truth. She is a stunning lookin girl & she is so so nice. Ive never ever heard anyone say a bad word against her. She has no self esteem & is constantly asking me if she is fat & ugly. In fact she often askes me over 50 times a day (Ive counted) & being honest after being asked so many times, I get pissed off & end up giveing out to her. Ive tried reassuring her but she dosent take any heed of wat Im saying. She says she has a boring life & she thinks all her friends think she boring, but in fact we are after coming back from a 2 week holiday to the US, & she is out most weekends with her single friends. To try and keep her happy I end up spending my weekends waiting on her hand & foot. Money is tight so I let her go out with her friends while I stay in. I havnt been out since the oct bank holiday weekend. We havnt had sex in over 2 years & Ive been very patient. I havnt put her under pressure & Ive tried talking to her about it & she says she just dosent have the urge. I love her to bits but its just gone to the stage where I cant take this any more. Maybe Im being selfish but I need to feel loved & cared for.

If any of ye could give me advice, It would be appreciated

You have been taken for a ride & you don't know it. The reason she is not interested in sex is because she getting somewhere else every weekend.
Never heard such nonsense that you have to reassure her 50 times a day.
It's time you acted like a man & stood up to her & her antics.

Milky Moo

To be honest she may be suffering some manner of depression but I don't think it is clinical or severe.

If she was severely depressed she wouldn't be going out every weekend and trips to New York wouldn't be something she would enjoy at all...

Having suffered from mild to moderate depression myself I can say from my own experience I couldn't muster up the energy to even hang out with friends let alone go out! I know that not everyone suffers in the same way but the top symptoms are generally low energey,feeling constantly down,hers are not the actions of a very depressed person!

She may have have low self esteem yes, but I can't help but feel she is feeding off all the reassurement she gets from you. She needs constant confirmation she is pretty and likable, it seems parasitic, she takes your energy, your money seemingly, what are you getting in return OP?

mood

Some people can hide depression for friends. I friend of a friend killed himself years back and nobody had a clue he was depressed.

You need to get her to see a GP and get professional help be it antidepressants, counselling or CBT, whatever is professionally recommended.

If it turns out she is just totally selfish etc you need to rethink the relationship.

wylo

I have to disagree with those saying she is self centered,etc, small bit of ignorance there tbh.
It sounds to me like she has ridiculously low self esteem, and suffers depression, but none of us know, the best man would be a doctor, you should insist she books an appointment soon. If she is not willing to even try and help herself then I think you have to reconsider your relationship. Do you want to have to deal with that the rest of your life + no sex?

mossy1982

Milky Moo wrote: »

To be honest she may be suffering some manner of depression but I don't think it is clinical or severe.

If she was severely depressed she wouldn't be going out every weekend and trips to New York wouldn't be something she would enjoy at all...

She may have have low self esteem yes, but I can't help but feel she is feeding off all the reassurement she gets from you. She needs constant confirmation she is pretty and likable, it seems parasitic, she takes your energy, your money seemingly, what are you getting in return OP?

+ 1

I agree seems more like self esteem issues than depression as an illness per se. If she doesn't make a big effort to get her head sorted out you should leave her.

Nevyn

The only person you have to be responsible for is you, sounds like you have done your best to be supportive but you have to look after yourself and if you are not getting what you need from the relationship and are sacrificing too much then stop.

You can only do so much for her and you may be doing too much,
Aware run support groups for family members and partners living with someone who is suffering from depression, you may find that helpful but there comes a time when being there for her or with her is damaging to you then you have to change how things are even if that mean ending the relationship.

Bonito

Sorry Op but you're being taken for an utter mug here. She's living the highlife while you're picking up after her 24/7.

Overheal

Tipp Mafia wrote: »

Ill try & keep this to the point. Basically my girlfriend of 3 years is depressed & is constantly putting herself down. She hates the way she looks & thinks no body likes her. In fact the opposite is the truth. She is a stunning lookin girl & she is so so nice. Ive never ever heard anyone say a bad word against her. She has no self esteem & is constantly asking me if she is fat & ugly. In fact she often askes me over 50 times a day (Ive counted) & being honest after being asked so many times, I get pissed off & end up giveing out to her. Ive tried reassuring her but she dosent take any heed of wat Im saying. She says she has a boring life & she thinks all her friends think she boring, but in fact we are after coming back from a 2 week holiday to the US, & she is out most weekends with her single friends. To try and keep her happy I end up spending my weekends waiting on her hand & foot. Money is tight so I let her go out with her friends while I stay in. I havnt been out since the oct bank holiday weekend. We havnt had sex in over 2 years & Ive been very patient. I havnt put her under pressure & Ive tried talking to her about it & she says she just dosent have the urge. I love her to bits but its just gone to the stage where I cant take this any more. Maybe Im being selfish but I need to feel loved & cared for.

If any of ye could give me advice, It would be appreciated

Forgive me. Im no psychologist, but im not sure what if anything in her behavior constitutes genuine depression. At least not against what I've read in countless other PI's.

If you think she's actually depressed, there are stickies at the top of this forum with information on the subject.

Could you provide any specific anecdotes as to why you suspect she is depressed, other than being self conscious about her physical appearance and not having sex with you in two years?

& she is out most weekends with her single friends. To try and keep her happy I end up spending my weekends waiting on her hand & foot. Money is tight so I let her go out with her friends while I stay in.

....

Look, you're already posting here because you think something is not adding up and/or you are confused as to how to react or proceed. The whole thing smells rank to me.

LegacyUser

Being honest, its depression & self esteem issues she suffers from. She cant see anything good about herself. She keeps putting herself down, thinking she is ugly, that nobody likes her & that she has no friends when in fact the opposite is the truth. When she is out she is the life & soul of the party but she is constantly looking over her shoulder to see whos looking at her.
Ive had it out with her so many times but she never listens to wat I have to say, she just keeps going on & on & on about this & that. I feel Im hitting a brick wall

mood

Tipp Mafia. wrote: »

Being honest, its depression & self esteem issues she suffers from. She cant see anything good about herself. She keeps putting herself down, thinking she is ugly, that nobody likes her & that she has no friends when in fact the opposite is the truth. When she is out she is the life & soul of the party but she is constantly looking over her shoulder to see whos looking at her.
Ive had it out with her so many times but she never listens to wat I have to say, she just keeps going on & on & on about this & that. I feel Im hitting a brick wall

I think you need to leave the diagnosis to a doctor and take it from there. IMO either she gets help or you will have to walk away.

skooterblue

mood wrote: »

I think you need to leave the diagnosis to a doctor and take it from there. IMO either she gets help or you will have to walk away.

This is Yellow card time. She gets two months to get her act together (this is a fair amount of time based on it takes medication about a month to set in).
1. She sees a GP and gets meds. Also provide the Doctor with a full and honest history
2. She takes the Meds, no whining about sweating, being thirsty, putting on weight/losing weight.
3. She attends an Aware.ie/depression meeting no excuses.
4. You get to go out and have a night out with your mates, you need to look after your mental health as well.
5. She has to get out and get some exercise. Only keep enough food in the house for yourself so she has to get out and do the shopping.
6. If there isnt a major change in attitude by then , bye bye birdie

This is a fair set of conditions

Go out with your mates and get over this manipulative psycho bunny with the first girl you clap your eyes on. "sometimes there just arent eneough stones to throw" Forrest Gump.

I honestly believe you are the victim of an abusive relationship and would pack my bags. Based on she is not working with doctors and is not making an effort to get better. Sorry If I am cruel but I had a gf like this. she will drag you down with her.

Overheal

I honestly believe you are the victim of an abusive relationship

I have to agree. If not abusive than certainly at the very short end of the stick. You almost seem to describe yourself as in a slave or servants role - and not even a concubine.

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? The ability to wait on her hand and foot?

PopUp

Aw hun I feel so sorry for her but I feel almost sorrier for you.

Listen you need to take Thaed's advice very seriously. You should be there for her but ONLY if you can handle that yourself. In all honestly you sound like you are pushed to the limit right now. Your girlfriend MUST get professional help. And to be honest, I think you would be well off considering it yourself. Take care of yourself because it is so easy to be consumed by someone else and exhausted by that.

Victor

Tipp Mafia wrote: »

If any of ye could give me advice, It would be appreciated

How are you? It sounds like you have it rough.

ManOfMystery

ManOfMystery wrote: »

There's a fine line between genuine depression and being totally self-centred

I have received an infraction for the above comment, which I assume is down to the post being reported. If I have inadvertently offended anyone who has suffered depression, first off I would like to offer my apology as that was clearly not my intent.

The reason I wrote this is because of an article I saw recently which I have posted below. Some Psychotherapists have observed that in some people a general self-centred attitude can tip over into depression and negativity. It was not made as a throwaway comment, more to the highlight that although his gf appears depressed, her words and actions do seem to suggest that she's only thinking of herself at the moment. I have close family and friends who have suffered from depression but even on their worst days they still took an interest in others.

http://www.empowher.com/media/video/how-does-self-centered-thinking-increase-depression-psychotherapist-carole-klein-video

LegacyUser

Tipp Mafia wrote: »

She says she has a boring life & she thinks all her friends think she boring, but in fact we are after coming back from a 2 week holiday to the US, & she is out most weekends with her single friends. To try and keep her happy I end up spending my weekends waiting on her hand & foot. Money is tight so I let her go out with her friends while I stay in. I havnt been out since the oct bank holiday weekend. We havnt had sex in over 2 years & Ive been very patient.

Whether your girlfriend is depressed or not (personally, I think she's taking you for a ride unfortunately), you have a right to be treated with respect in the relationship. You are not being treated with any respect at all. On top of your girlfriend showing you zero respect, you're trying to make her feel better about herself. It hasn't worked. The bottom line is your girlfriend needs to start taking responsibility for her own happiness and stop expecting you to put things right for her.
If she doesn't start taking responsibility for her own happiness, give her the boot and find a girl who'll show you respect and treat you well.