What should I do?

LegacyUser

Right going unreged for this, sorry about the long post there is no way to shorten this story -

Had a massive blow out last night big fight with my brother that brought a situation to a head. I found out when I was 16 my Dad wasn`t my Dad because I insisted on knowing and I had always felt it.

It took me till 3 years ago, I`m 28 now, to find him and get in contact. We had dna and yes definitely my Dad although he maintain he never met my Mother and claims that if he did have sex with her at that stage he would have been a virgin. Now they worked together for at least 6 months, she knew things about him and they even had dinner, my mother told me and I believe her as it was quite hard to get her to talk about it and she has never changed her story at all. She had a glass of red wine, and being 20 and not a drinker remembers very little accept blurry snapshots after that.

Her behaviour around the issue and what she told my other Dad lead me to think that she was raped but didn`t want to say and as a result I was afraid to ask and although I`ve been getting to know my Dad a bit have been reluctant to go in whole heartedly.

So last night my brother and I got talking about it (big mistake!). He said he believes his Dad no matter how little sense it makes basically and my Mum is a liar and never even worked with him and some how stole his sperm or some equally ridiculous theory. Now given what I really thought happened I did not react well to this and got extremely angry. Things escalated to a storm off.

I got very upset and rang my mum to have it out with her, said I just wanted to know, was she raped what? She was not raped although he had sex with her when she was semi conscious. She is more embarrased and ashamed and annoyed that he doesn`t even remember etc. I asked her to put her personal issues aside and talk to him, he asked her 3 years ago to meet him and see if he could remember. She thinks he`s totally lying and remembers everything which makes more sense that she is lying as I am here, amn`t I.

If theres any chance anyone is still with me or has had a similar experience - what the hell should I do? Is it a case of this is my mums personal thing and I`m asking her somthing which is unreasonable, to meet and speak to him?

Just to add I have 3 half sisters I grew up with and two half brother who I`ve been getting to know. My brothers think my Dad is a God, which has to mean my mum did something awful and is a liar. So we couldn`t really indefinetely dance around the real issues, could we?

cafecolour

Your story is a bit confusing. As I understand it, you were arguing with a half-brother, who you've known for 3 years at most about an aspect of their father's sex life from 30 years ago in relation to your mother, who they barely know. And you're surprised they're taking their dad's side?

I understand wanting to know who your real father was, and how they knew each other. But trying to get out the exact details of your conception(!) from two people who clearly don't want to talk about it seems a bit much to me.

What is it you hope to achieve with this? Do you think this will somehow unlock some internal mystery about your own personality? Do you think this will somehow bring you closer to this father/your brothers (it seems like it will do the opposite)? Does this drama and confrontation fill some sort of emotional need for you?

Honestly, I'd say let sleeping dogs lie at this point, and get to counseling to figure out your underlying issues with all this.

LegacyUser

Did you even read my post? he said my mother lied and somehow stole Dads sperm without his concent when what actually happened was my Dad had sex with my semi-conscious mother who he had worked with and known for 6 months and denies ever meeting at all, they are even insinuating she lied about working with him, which I know is an absolute fact.

Really you`d sit there and take someone insulting your mum like that, when you were of the opinion that she was in fact raped (up untill I confronted her after the argument thats what I was thinking)?

You do realise I didn`t ask to be in this situation?

LegacyUser

Op here wrote: »

You do realise I didn`t ask to be in this situation?

And your parents didn't ask you to interfere in it, either.

These are extremely intimate memories you are dragging up and while you do have a right to know who your biological father is, nobody has the right to this kind of information. Yes, they are your parents, but even if one of them was wronged by the other, this all happened before you were born. Since you naturally have greater loyalty to your mother, who you grew up with, why would you want to hurt her by bringing up traumas and force her to confront things that she herself would rather leave in the past?

You must have known before you went looking for your dad that you wouldn't necessarily like everything you found out. You may have to accept that it is probably impossible to get at any objective truth about what happened back then, when neither parent wants to discuss it openly. It's far more important for you to realise that who YOU are is more than the sum of your parents, and move on with your life, keeping only the people you trust and love in it.

LegacyUser

OP,

Be careful about how flippantly you throw around the word rape. If your mother got drunk and slept with someone while she was drunk this is not rape.

mood

It is rape if she was unable or in no fit state to give consent. However, this may not be the case. I would think if he raped her he would never taken the DNA test and just told you to get lost. Maybe they were both very drunk and neither fully remember what happened.

LegacyUser

My Dad does want to talk about it as I said above. He kept asking me questions which I couldn`t answer and he took my mums reluctance to meet as her having something to hide.

I do want a relationship with all these people and they will eventually all have to be somewhere at the same time eg. if i have a christening for a child. You can`t expect me to accept all the little comments assuming my mums a liar indefinetely?

And some concern are you suggesting that if someone was raped 30 years ago it`s to long ago and is irrelevant?....rape is rape there is no time period and if he was the type of man who would do that our relationship would be uintenable. So its extremely relevant. And they have put me in the middle by insisuating each other are liars and telling their other children same.

givemeabreak I certainly did not take this flipantly did you even read my post? I said I was concerned that that was what happened given her behaviour and attitute to my Dad. I take it so seriously that I would never speak to him again if that was the case. I can`t understand why he is denying any recollection of a person who he worked with for at least 6 months, cooked dinner for, went out with - all the while claiming to have the best memory in the world and claiming to have been a virgin then - it makes no sense because I`m here.
If I am the product of rape I think my mother would do anything to protect me from knowing but if thats true, and given above statement about my Dad I have all cause for believing he is lying and covering something, I am not interested in a relationship with him.

What should I do, assume he raped her and cut all ties, protecing my Mother? then what if he did not and my mothers reaction is for a lesser reason, then I`ve shut my Father and brothers out of my life for nothing?

mood

It is odd that he says he didn't work with her etc but I think if he did rape her he would have just said he never meet her when you tracked him down and would not have agreed to a DNA test. He would have been afraid of her going to the guards and being charged with rape.

The whole situation is strange but only they know what happened (if they both remember).

The most likely answer is they were both drunk and it's all fuzzy.

You may never know what really happened.

You should talk to you mother about this face to face again.

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

It is rape if she was unable or in no fit state to give consent. However, this may not be the case. I would think if he raped her he would never taken the DNA test and just told you to get lost. Maybe they were both very drunk and neither fully remember what happened.

Has your mother said he raped her, or did you come up with this yourself? Regardless if he hasn't been there is not a great father whatever you don't have the right to go around screaming he's a rapist and ruining his name like that. I'm not surprised your brother had a go at you.

LegacyUser

Look you don't know for sure if there was a rape but you do know for sure that your dad lied about not knowing your mum and not working with her, right? This is all you have to go on in deciding whether he is trustworthy. You're going to have to decide this for yourself without forcing anyone to give you more information they either don't want to give or can't remember.

You missed my point about it all being in the past. Yes, rape is rape, there is no expiry date on the hurt it can cause and nobody but the victim is entitled to decide whether it is relevant or whether it is something she wants to discuss or relive 30 years later or not. You're making this all about you, whereas IF there was a rape, your mother is the person who will be most hurt by bringing it all up. She has given you her explanation, that she is embarrassed about being drunk and having sex, and if that is the explanation she wants to stick with, well, it's her life.

To be honest I think that if you want your father in your life, you have to let all this go. There are plenty of families who have trouble being in the same room and I don't think you can force everyone to come to an agreement for your sake. Plenty of separated parents do make the effort to be civil for their kids' weddings and christenings, that's about the most you can ask of both sides. If you can't trust either party to do that, then again I say, decide where your loyalties lie. It's not a fairytale but no family is perfect.

LegacyUser

Mood it would have been very difficult for him to deny it given the resemblance and our unique ethnic mix. He also said he always wanted a daughter. He doesn`t have a great opinion of women it seems thou and was according to his best friends and my mother a ladies man (although he claims to have been a virgin?).

At best she was semi concious, my mother didn`t drink, she was twenty and just started her working life in the big smoke, she apparently blurrily remembers him having sex with her just flashs, far to out of it to consent or say no. What am I suppose to take from that? Is he a bad guy? Was he drunk, although he also claims he didn`t drink at this stage? Is he just a liar or is his memory really that bad? Can you see why I`m so conflicted...

LegacyUser

someconcern not looking for fairytales but am not going to make my mum be civil if it was rape, do you understand? if it was I have no choice but to cut my Dad and brother out of my life.

LegacyUser

Op here wrote: »

someconcern not looking for fairytales but am not going to make my mum be civil if it was rape, do you understand? if it was I have no choice but to cut my Dad and brother out of my life.

OP, your mother may not have been a drinker and may have got sloshed but that still does not make it rape. Did your mother say she might have been raped. Sounds to me like you crave drama or something. Why can't you just let it go like your mother wants, if the man was a rapist do you think he would have gone for a dna and do you think your mother would let you have a relationship with him. You seem to be going on he said this she said that why can't you get to know him for yourself ? Even if he is/was a ladies man that still doesn't make him a rapist. What are you trying to achieve to get to know him or to prove that he's some sort of monster?

mood

givemeabreak wrote: »

OP, your mother may not have been a drinker and may have got sloshed but that still does not make it rape. Did your mother say she might have been raped. Sounds to me like you crave drama or something. Why can't you just let it go like your mother wants, if the man was a rapist do you think he would have gone for a dna and do you think your mother would let you have a relationship with him. You seem to be going on he said this she said that why can't you get to know him for yourself ? Even if he is/was a ladies man that still doesn't make him a rapist. What are you trying to achieve to get to know him or to prove that he's some sort of monster?

Maybe they both got sloshed and it's all a blur. Maybe this is why he claimed he was a virgin at the time.

Maybe it was rape. But if it was he would most likely not consent to a DNA test. And your mother would most likely not have wanted him in your life.

Maybe they are both lying.

Maybe they are both tell the truth according to what they both remember.

It's a lot of maybes. You will probably never know for sure. So you need to decide if you can have a relationship with him with all these unanswered. We can't decide for you or tell you what really happened.

littlefriend

Maybe she is just embarrassed that it was a one night stand? It must be difficult to discuss such things with your daughter.

Its probably true that he just doesn't remember her. If he was a ladies man as you say then I'm sure he had lots of one night stands. 30 years ago is a long time. If it was just a one night thing its very possibly he has no recollection of her - whether he worked with her for a few months or not. I've gotten friend requests on facebook from people that I was in school with for 5 or 6 years that I barely remember [and that wasn't 30 years ago].

If it was a one night stand type thing and he didn't know anything about her getting pregnant then of course she will remember things better than he will. She had to deal with being single and pregnant nearly 30 years ago when there would have been a lot of stigma attached to it. Obviously it was a bigger deal to her than him. He just carried on with no change to his life after he was with her.

I don't really think somebody would be unconscious after one glass of wine. The memory of it is probably hazy because it was so long ago.

LegacyUser

Op here wrote: »

someconcern not looking for fairytales but am not going to make my mum be civil if it was rape, do you understand? if it was I have no choice but to cut my Dad and brother out of my life.

Of course, but she is not saying it was rape, is she? So as things stand at the moment, is your mother prepared to be civil at your hypothetical christening? I know she declined to meet up with him to specifically discuss the events of your conception, and who could blame her!

But all I was saying is that in the event of them needing to be in the same room in the future, they will either both agree to do it and be civil, or they will tell you they are not comfortable with the situation, and you will have to accept their decisions.

It won't be you "making" your mother do something she doesn't want to do, just as you can't make her tell you she was raped! Your parents are adults, please respect their privacy and their decisions!

LegacyUser

Littlefriend I think its more because - she flinches when I mention my Dad or brother, she hates when anyone mentions my different looks, she hates any of the characteristics she saw in him even when they present in me. Her reaction is so strong. And as someone who doesn`t drink myself - yes you can be practically unconscious after 1 glass red wine, theres actually a picture of me ten years ago after I had one passed out!

And from the other side of this I had an experience when I was sleeping over at a friends party a few years ago. I at that stage was a firm non drinker everyone else at the party was drinking and smoking hash. I went to bed and woke up with a guy on top of me trying to have sex with me, I screamed the house down it was awful, I`m very aware guys do this at parties they think the girl is passed out. I feel sick when I relate this experience to what could have happened.

She wasn`t a single parent my mum married when she was 2 months pregnant. I was raised being told someone else was my Dad, he thought he was too.

Ok if I have to make a decision based on what I know now I would be writting three people out of my life and perhaps not rightfully.

LegacyUser

Op here wrote: »

Littlefriend I think its more because - she flinches when I mention my Dad or brother, she hates when anyone mentions my different looks, she hates any of the characteristics she saw in him even when they present in me. Her reaction is so strong. And as someone who doesn`t drink myself - yes you can be practically unconscious after 1 glass red wine, theres actually a picture of me ten years ago after I had one passed out!
And from the other side of this I had an experience when I was sleeping over at a friends party a few years ago. I at that stage was a firm non drinker everyone else at the party was drinking and smoking hash. I went to bed and woke up with a guy on top of me trying to have sex with me, I screamed the house down it was awful, I`m very aware guys do this at parties they think the girl is passed out. I feel sick when I relate this experience to what could have happened.

She wasn`t a single parent my mum married when she was 2 months pregnant. I was raised being told someone else was my Dad, he thought he was too.

Ok if I have to make a decision based on what I know now I would be writting three people out of my life and perhaps not rightfully.

OP, you're the first and only person i've ever heard of passing out after one glass of wine. The situation at the party is irrelevant to this situation.

You'd write 3 people out of your life on what you know.

All you know is:

1. Your mam slept with this guy 30 years ago whilst very drunk

2. They worked together for 6 months

3. He didn't remember at first

4. He got a DNA test and proved he's your father

Why based on this information would you want to write the 3 people out of your life or am I missing the point.

LegacyUser

Please close this thread I`m just to upset for this. Thanks for taking the time to post everyone but I was hoping someone would have some experience with something like this but thats clearly not possible.