b/friend depressed / child

pw01

Hi, my b/friend is in hospital with a mental problem (clinally depressed). He is very down on himself and has little or no confidence.
4 yrs ago, b4 we were going steady he was sleeping with a girl and she got preg.She says she thinks its his baby but b4 this he wanted nothing to do with either of them - now he does.( i only found out about all this).
i no i'm being selfish but i want nothing to do with his child - i always thought we'd have out 1st child 2gther and i dont want to be a step mum to another womans child - i want nothing to do with it all but hes too down 4 me to tell him.what should i do..........

LegacyUser

Wow so your bf is clinically depressed in hospital and is trying to man up to his responsibilities as a father and you basically saying you don't want to support him. Sorry to burst your bubble but if he develops a relationship with his child and you say you want nothing to do with it your gonna be the one that gets kicked to the kerb not the child and rightly so in my opinion. You should be proud of him for wanting him to be a father to this child.

pw01

i know i should be proud of him and its killing me inside that i'm not.

i just hoped that when he felt better that we could move on with our lives and maybe in a few years have children of our own and stuff.His family are all fussing over this child that they havent even met already.
i just feel left out!

Peggypeg

Givemeabreak wrote: »

Wow so your bf is clinically depressed in hospital and is trying to man up to his responsibilities as a father and you basically saying you don't want to support him. Sorry to burst your bubble but if he develops a relationship with his child and you say you want nothing to do with it your gonna be the one that gets kicked to the kerb not the child and rightly so in my opinion. You should be proud of him for wanting him to be a father to this child.

TOTALLY disagree. Don't bow to pressure like that!! There is no point in saying you're ok with it when you're not. A child is a huge responsibility even when you're only a part time parent. You will become alot less important in the scheme of things with a child around, and honestly your OH shouldn't be considering this when he's clinically depressed, he should only decide to be a part of the child's life when he's well enough to make that decision and knows he can be a good thing in the child's life.

OP being honest does not make you a bad person, knowingly becoming part of a child's life when you know you don't want to be, that would be wrong.

Please please please do not allow people to make you feel guilty for saying what you want and don't want, you have every right not to raise someone else's child (even part time). You have every right to want to have your first child with someone who will be having their first child also.

Honestly sweetie, I would go elsewhere for advice because I think the majority of answers you will get here will be based on what is best for the child and not you. It very easy to give politically correct answers when you're answering someone on the internet but the PC answers are not concerned with what is best for YOU. Listen to yourself sweetie, if it's not what you want there is no point in pretending it is just to be "good", because it will make you miserable.

Best of luck sweetie.

LegacyUser

"Move on with your life", what do you think this is some puppy that you want to give back to the pound. His child is his life, and whether you like it or not more so than you are it's his flesh in blood. How would you feel if you were on the receiving end and the gf was saying oh have nothing to do with the child. Of course the family are going to be fussing. You feel left out because you want nothing to do with the sitaution. No offence but if you think children can be disregarded so easily and forgotten about i'd seriously reconsider having children of your own. You don't sound to me like someone that could put another little human beings needs completely before their own. If I were you i'd support your bfs decision or break up with him and let him build a life with his child.

Peggypeg

pw01 wrote: »

i know i should be proud of him and its killing me inside that i'm not.

i just hoped that when he felt better that we could move on with our lives and maybe in a few years have children of our own and stuff.His family are all fussing over this child that they havent even met already.
i just feel left out!

Hang on a minute, you should be proud that he had unprotected sex, had a child, didn't tell you and now decides he wants to be involved with the child!!! FFS, you'd have to be a saint to be proud of that, why the hell would you be happy in that situation? You know that left out feeling? Well you'd better get used to it with a child around! I know I'll get killed for saying that but it's true, being second fiddle to a child that isn't yours get very very very old very fast. Be careful that you don't get railroaded into agreeing to something you don't want just because other people think they know what's best.

Again, anyone else that puts you on a guilt trip over this, you should just tell them to F*ck off!!! How dare they critise you for being honest about how you want your life to be. I went out with a guy with a child once and I would NEVER do it again. Sorry that's not PC everyone but I'm being honest.

LegacyUser

Peggypeg wrote: »

TOTALLY disagree. Don't bow to pressure like that!! There is no point in saying you're ok with it when you're not. A child is a huge responsibility even when you're only a part time parent. You will become alot less important in the scheme of things with a child around, and honestly your OH shouldn't be considering this when he's clinically depressed, he should only decide to be a part of the child's life when he's well enough to make that decision and knows he can be a good thing in the child's life.

OP being honest does not make you a bad person, knowingly becoming part of a child's life when you know you don't want to be, that would be wrong.

Please please please do not allow people to make you feel guilty for saying what you want and don't want, you have every right not to raise someone else's child (even part time). You have every right to want to have your first child with someone who will be having their first child also.

Honestly sweetie, I would go elsewhere for advice because I think the majority of answers you will get here will be based on what is best for the child and not you. It very easy to give politically correct answers when you're answering someone on the internet but the PC answers are not concerned with what is best for YOU. Listen to yourself sweetie, if it's not what you want there is no point in pretending it is just to be "good", because it will make you miserable.

Best of luck sweetie.

Peggy - She says she wants them to move on with her life and forget about them. It's not just her, its the bf she doesnt want to have anything to do with the child also. That's selfish. I agree with you she can choose to walk away but to expect the bf to disregard the child is selfish.

LegacyUser

I said the OP should be proud of her bf for wanting to man up to being a father. The OP does have the right not to be involved but she doesn't have the right to tell the bf not to get involved.

Töpher

1) Get a paternity test, she only 'thinks' it's his?

Peggypeg

Givemeabreak wrote: »

Peggy - She says she wants them to move on with her life and forget about them. It's not just her, its the bf she doesnt want to have anything to do with the child also. That's selfish. I agree with you she can choose to walk away but to expect the bf to disregard the child is selfish.

I didn't mention anything about the father disregarding the child, I said he should wait until he is not suffering from mental illness to decide wether to be in the child's life or not. This is because it would f*ck a child up very badly to have a father for a while only for him to decide he wants out when he gets well.

OP: You need to disregard your boyfriend while you make this decision. It is admirable that he wants to be a father to the child (better late than never eh?) but that does not mean that you should just be expected to be ok with it. If you are honest with yourself and decides that this is not what you want you should of course step out of the picture and leave your boyfriend to it. I would never ever advise that you try to stop your boyfriend from being a father, that would make everyone involved miserable and also it would just be wrong. What your need to decide is do you want to be in the relationship if it comes with this type of baggage (the situation, not the child) connected to it.

I really do honestly feel for you sweetie, it's a bloody aweful situation to find yourself in. You need to be totally honest with yourself about what you want, not what's right or wrong. You owe it to yourself to do what's best for YOU.

pw01

well ive decided that when i go into hospital tonight ill tell him how i feel. i know he cant do anything till be gets out of hospital and maybe by then i will have got used to the idea, its just alot to take in and nobody has asked me how i feel about any of this.
hOPEFULLY it will all work out!

pw01

Just to let use no, i talked to him last night,he said hes not going to do anything 4 a few months till he gets himself together.
he seems to think i'm making to big of a deal out of it all and that it will have little affect on us cos he just wanta to support it and maybe go to her house to see the child.
i dont no,hopefully in a few months it mite be clearer in my head?

thanks for the advice

PopUp

He knew about this for four years and told you nothing? For four years he thought it was acceptable to ignore a child?

I'd be walking. If he does it to one child, he could do it to yours, and I wouldn't be hanging about for four years hoping he'd change his mind and want to help out. And to not tell you is a level of dishonesty unacceptable in a serious relationship IMO.

Best of luck if you decide to stay but you have two massive red flags here.

LegacyUser

I'm with Peggypeg on this one.

You have every right not to want to be involved in all this. But are you prepared to loose him over it?
This really is a case for couple counselling as its a very big deal and would be a legitimate deal breaker for alot of women... ok, so he's being good about the kid yadda yadda but you have to find your own peace with all this and counselling sounds like a good place to start. Don't let anyone tell you you're selfish - its your life; you have to be selfish!

Peggypeg

Wow, I thought I was going to get yelled at. Sorry for underestimating everyone;)