swinging right or wrong

LegacyUser

hi guys just looking for some opinions, were a very happily married couple in late 20s and early 30s have an extremly solid relationship and a very happy sex life,
now for the complicated bit...........swinging!
we have spoken about this for about 2 years now and the idea really does it for us my question is should we do it? we have talked out every senario and cant find fault, so please tell me if theres somthing were missing? is it that wrong? can it ruin a relationship?
we had very limited sexual experiences before we met each other and i think its curiousty that makes us want to try it.

kraggy

When you say you've talked over every scenario, it's one thing imagining someone else pleasing your partner, but it's another thing actually seeing it happen in front of you.

Have either of you any worries about feeling inferior in the case that someone else appears to please either of you more than the other manages to?

It's a big step. Not sure what other advice to give you other than tread carefully. Have been many threads on here from people whose relationships ran into difficulty because of a threesome. With swinging, you're kind of doubling the possibility of trouble down the line.

Just discuss it and discuss it before you take any concrete steps.

unattendedbag

is it that wrong?

Not at all. Pefectly legal and happens quite a bit behind closed doors from what i hear.

can it ruin a relationship?

Very much so. You seem to be certain that you's are quite solid and secure in your relationship but ive often heard and read stories about couples who try these things and it causes problems like jealousy and trust issues that either partner didnt know was there. So always bear in mind that there is always posibility that it can cause problems within your relatonship.

Are you living in a big city or big town? You also have to think about what might happen if it somehow came out to your neighbours or family or the kids as swinging is not exactly publcally accepted in most parts.

LegacyUser

We have been swinging on and off for a good few years. Vast majority of meets have been very postitive and we've made some good friends.

LegacyUser

Yeah, my partner and I have been swinging nearly a year and can recommend it fully. Its all just good fun, dont overthink it, just do it.

LegacyUser

thanks for your replies everyone, all taken on board!
kraggy i think your right "
it's one thing imagining someone else pleasing your partner, but it's another thing actually seeing it happen in front of you."
we have spoken about this and we are not jelous type people anyway but we agreed that it wasnt going to happen in the same room meaning that when we do get a couple that we will head off into seperate rooms im not one for the threesomes or foursomes! but i think most people in the swinging scene like it all to happen in the same room, its not that i couldnt bear to watch some woman having sex with my man but i couldnt fully enjoy what im doing thinking he can see and hear!
also we intend to go way out of our local area to do this because god forbid if our families found out that would be awful!

cafecolour

If everyone's on the same page, it's probably fine. If one is more into it than the other, it could be a problem.

You could start with something 'half-way', like having sex in the same room when another couple is doing so (with no cross-over) and see if that excite both of you more, or ends up not living up to fantasy.

Peggypeg

Swinger Sexy wrote: »

Yeah, my partner and I have been swinging nearly a year and can recommend it fully. Its all just good fun, dont overthink it, just do it.

I would disagree. I don't swing but I do have a boyfriend and while it might be sexy for some to imagine their OH with someone else I know for a fact I'd be a wreck afterwards, and I would consider that I'm in a very very solid relationship. Please don't value your relationship so little as to risk it without being very very very sure that this is something that won't rip it apart. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Nevyn

cafecolour wrote: »

If everyone's on the same page, it's probably fine. If one is more into it than the other, it could be a problem.

You could start with something 'half-way', like having sex in the same room when another couple is doing so (with no cross-over) and see if that excite both of you more, or ends up not living up to fantasy.

This is also known as soft swinging, which can range from being in the same room, only kissing each other's partner there are a whole range of option which can be talked through and gone over with yourselves and with whom ever it is you decided to play with.

Swinging is wrong for some people and right for others, for some it is an occasional thing and for others a lifestyle. There is no right or wrong when it comes to such things only what is right for you and your relationship.

I would suggest taking it very slowly, do all the pros and cons, go on couple dates were you meet people for a drink and a chat and nothing more and see if you can even find people that you both want to be with.

Agree terms and conditions, limits, safe words and signals so that if you want out after you have dipped your toe in you can extract yourselves.

There are guides out there on how to do this, google will help you find them.

Aibreann

I always found it interesting to hear it, but I wouldn't do it.

pretty-in-pink

Did it once, it was ok. A bit strange. It was not full sex swinging, just some hand play and kissing. That was enough for us, it was kinda.....boring...if I'm going to be honest. It wasn't even planned, or something we had thought about before it happened, it just happened. That said, while a bit boring,it was better then a 3 way.

Involving other people directly can seriously damage your relationship, even if you think beforehand you can handle it. It can drop an a-bomb on your (or his) feelings. Tread carefully OP, its one of those things you can't forget, undo or take back.

If you want to try do stuff like that with other couples, then I'd suggest the sex at the same time with no cross over thing to see how that works for you.

best of luck, whatever you decide.

mobilecore

I think swinging breaks more relationships than anything.
Yes if two people are comfortable with it then by all means they can do what they want. Each to their own. but as said above, it can cause major problems.

Lets look at it in an overview.
You love your other half. Then for someone else to come along and sexually pleasure the Other half, the person you love. Even if it was a mutal agreement. Is that something you could really handle? watching someone else pleasure your partner?

these are the questions. The thought of it might sound pleasing, but again as said above its one of those things that both will enjoy it or it will break them up. That once its done you cant go back.


To take the thread in a different direction, but still of the same swinging topic. I never understood why people in a serious relationship would want to swing. sure if your in your 50s and married years. I can understand that. Spice up the sex life. But i cant understand when swingers say "oh its just sex, sex and love are different" - to hell they are. How many people reading this thread got their hearts broken at one point when a partner cheated on you? that the thought of the person you loved sleeping with someone else? ... (i know swinging is about mutally agreeing to something) but the same feeling of that "heartache" of thinking of another person with your OH.

But I guess thats not what this thread is about. its about two people who mutually want to experiement. So OP i say take things slow. Test the waters.

cafecolour

mobilecore wrote: »

I think swinging breaks more relationships than anything.

Sadly, the top reason cited for divorce is 'money problems'. Obviously I think it's more of a catalyst for underlying issues than the primary reason, but not a good sign for marriage rates in the recession, eh?

Seriously, something like under 5% of couples do swinging. I think most people (myself included) know very well they couldn't handle it. It's only the tiny percentage that feel they can (like the OP presumably) that go for it and try it.

To me the major problem would be if one partner really wanted to do it and the other partner was just doing it to please him/her. OP, just make sure you both really are okay with it, and not just saying so to satisfy the other partner.

mobilecore

Oh sorry i meant out of the couples who try it, it breaks more up, compared to the couples who both enjoyed it.

Personally, now this is my own view and i am perfectly respectful of couples who want to do it, but for me its something i could never do.
I think the stem of swinging is a desire to have sex with other people. But at the same time to keep your current partner. What you've got with them. Which my way of thinking is if you have a desire to sleep with other people then are you ready to be in a serious relationship or married? It sounds like that famous saying "to want your cake and eat it".

Aibreann

mobilecore wrote: »

Personally, now this is my own view and i am perfectly respectful of couples who want to do it, but for me its something i could never do.
.

I agree with you, I wouldn't do it, maybe it is fun for young people with no serious relationship.

mobilecore

yeah.
I think people who have 3somes or are in an "open relationship" obviously dont have feelings so thats why they can do it. You can understand that. If you dont feel something for someone thats why it wouldnt bother you. But to openly allow someone else to have sex with your OH. That is madness.

To be honest from a situation with an ex-gf I had I feel if anyone in a relationship wants to do it, i'd be worried they want to sleep around. (As I was later proved right) The stem of it is the desire to want to sleep with others. I think its a red flag right there. Unless of course both are comfortable with it. Which also means your mad lol.

I am respectful of other people who want to, or do it because its the right thing to do - to be respectful of others. But at the same time because of what it entails i think i have a right to think its just wrong also. So warning for anyone reading this thread. If you're with a guy/girl and you arent married, or havent been together years - and your boyfriend/girlfriend suggests it. Its a red flag. Break up. They want others. Not ready for a relationship.

As for the op she has been married years. Thats a different story. It is her and her husbands choice. For what ever reason - want to try it - spice up they're sex life. I will be respectful of that. Its their choice.