Emotional bullying - long post

Mary Harney

I am looking for advice on whether I am doing the right thing in this situation I am in, so some context first. I am with my partner for two years, we have been living together for most of that time. Our relationship was fairly whirlwind. I have a teenage child from a former relationship. My partner is an excellent step dad, is very kind to my child and treats them extremely well.
Most of the time my partner does his best to treat me well but every couple of months we argue, he gets verbally abusive, threatens to break up with me (sometimes I do the same) then we make up and all is well until the next time. I realise that all couples have issues but my problem feels deeper than that.
At the time of meeting my partner I put into place some legal issues. I had been sexually abused for a number of years coupled with other forms of abuse. This left me with no self esteem, years of bad, bad relationships, lack of boundaries, a drink problem and so forth. I am seeing a counsellor who is fantastic and prior to that I had counselling with another person for nearly four years (again they were briliant). My family background is one very bad dysfunction. I often get depressed and down, sometimes I zone out and disconnect from those closest to me, I cannot help it and I am actively working to heal myself. In the last twelve months I have made huge strides. I no longer drink much, I am gaining self confidence, learning to be assertive and taking better care of myself.
My partner knows all that I am dealing with (and I have barely tipped on it here) I am taking the abuser to court and gave a statement last year, also social services are involved, naturally all of this brings me down. It is hard in ways living with me when I am down as I go very quiet, or I cry a lot and sometimes I am absent minded. Throughout all of this though I remain kind to others, I still keep the house going, I am there for my child as best I can and I am proud to say that my child is outgoing, confident, assertive, all the things that I lacked. These sad periods are pretty short now but my partner gets sick of it.
He had a go at me at the weekend, saying he was sick of me being down, that my past degrades him and infects his mood and brings him down. He said I look ugly, that I objectfy him (he means sexually). He has a much lower drive than me and I used to pressurise him for sex but I have worked really hard on that and I no longer do. I have accepted that he has a low drive. He gets jealous of my friendship with a female friend and sneered at me about that when I told him not to slag her off, when I told him that he is emotionally bullying me and being cruel he covered his ears and shouted Im not listening. In the past he has said I am mad, crazy, need locking up, my child should be taken off me, I am a sexual freak because the abuse has turned me that way. He gets onto me for being absent minded and not with it. Any time I went out there was an atmosphere and a mood, as I am unemployed and largely dependant on him financially, he threatened to stop giving me money after I came home late one night. I could go on and on. He calls me names when he is angry but mostly it is spite. Jesus I am getting horrified reading and writing this.
The thing is when he is nice, he is very, very nice, he is always very sorry afterwards when we make up and in the past I have accepted it and forgiven him but after this weekend, something has died in me. I know I cannot stay with him but I have no money other than a small weekly amount I get from the dole and believe me I have been trying for every job I can get. The thing is the place where we live is rural, my child is very very happy and has a lot of friends, I want to keep the house that we are renting but the price of it is over the rent allowance threshhold and the landlord cannot reduce it to the required amount. I am doing everything to get a job but it has to be daytime hours and enough to cover the rent and food. I have an interview next week and I am hoping to get a job asap and I have also started a small savings this week, with the intention of saving enough to cover us so I can ask my partner to go.
I am deeply sad by all this, and I am stressed out too. I am having to deal with courts, guards, social workers and stuff whilst getting on with my healing and life in general and I am deeply saddened that the man I fell in love with chooses to continue to say awful cruel things despite my many pleadings and conversations telling him how they affect me. I cannot understand when he says he loves me, wants to make me happy, says he cares for me and wants to support me then turns on me when I am down for too long and says horrible, horrible stuff. I feel a bit of liar though staying with him until I can gather enough money to then ask him to leave. We plan to marry next year but I know in my heart that I cannot, also for those of you in long term relationships, do you often threaten to break up and do you still have passion in your relationship after 2 or more years. Any advice / thoughts would be great.

Miller Boy

Mary, congratulations on putting your feelings in print in such an excellently balanced way. I don't really know what to say but your situation isn't a nice one. I think that you do realise that ye don't have a future as a couple. Everyone says something that they regret, sometime in their lives, but the repeated way he speaks so nastily to you is awful, degrading and unforgivable.

If you were of independant financial means, I'd be saying "Leave today!" My heart sank when I read that ye were going to get married. I'd imagine that things would disimprove considerably if ye did, and he will continue to degrade you and belittle you, emotionally and financially.

I think it's just a matter of timing your exit from the relationship, Mary. You sound like a lovely person and I'm amazed that you're so together after all you've been through in your life. You deserve much better than this. I wish you the very best, whatever the outcome.

tbh

Mary - this is not normal - you do not have to put up with this - as soon as you can, leave.

seahorse

Personally I feel that if a man cannot or will not support a woman in your situation then he's not worth being with - and that's without even considering all those horrible comments.

nesbitt

I think after reading your honest and insightful post that you already know what you must do... Absolutely split up with this person and never look back...

I'm relieved you are in councelling and trying to deal with issues. Fair play for coming this far along the road, now continue to make those better choices for you. Hold your head up and know you deserve respect, understanding, acceptance and happiness.

It may be that you entered this relationship at a time when you should have known better but now you do..

Mind yourself and all the best.

Mary Harney

Many thanks to everyone for their kind and supportive comments, it is just a matter of timing and getting stuff sorted, thank you all.

callie35

Get out of that relationship!! You deserve so much more, you're a fantastic person to be where you are after what you've been through. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and it's all about control. My ex even admitted to me that if he saw me smiling he'd have to torment me till he broke me down...his logic was that if i was too happy/confident i'd leave him. He made me break my heart crying every single day, got more possessive and physically/sexually violent also. You are precious, your life is precious and only you know your true value so take care of yourself and as you said, once the timing is right, get away from him please.x

jellyboy

Hi op
i have thought long and hard about this message,i want to answer it to give you a different perspective and i hope i can...my apoligises for not using the quote button tryed it but im not very good at it:o




I am looking for advice on whether I am doing the right thing in this situation I am in, so some context first. I am with my partner for two years, we have been living together for most of that time. Our relationship was fairly whirlwind. I have a teenage child from a former relationship. My partner is an excellent step dad, is very kind to my child and treats them extremely well
Most of the time my partner does his best to treat me well but every couple of months we argue, he gets verbally abusive, threatens to break up with me (sometimes I do the same) then we make up and all is well until the next time






there is abuse from both sides and pain,hurt ...but from what i read a huge amount of love ,compassion and understanding....





I realise that all couples have issues but my problem feels deeper than that.


this is your problem and the point where you own it is here.




At the time of meeting my partner I put into place some legal issues. I had been sexually abused for a number of years coupled with other forms of abuse. This left me with no self esteem, years of bad, bad relationships, lack of boundaries, a drink problem and so forth.

the healing process is one of huge discovery and being able to say/type the above is amazing ..

I am seeing a counsellor who is fantastic and prior to that I had counselling with another person for nearly four years (again they were briliant).My family background is one very bad dysfunction. I often get depressed and down, sometimes I zone out and disconnect from those closest to me, I cannot help it and I am actively working to heal myself. In the last twelve months I have made huge strides. I no longer drink much, I am gaining self confidence, learning to be assertive and taking better care of myself.

this must be so so hard for him ,its not easy trying to sit with sombody while in that much pain...is he seeing a counsellor to help with his pain ?...i understand yours but who is helping his...






My partner knows all that I am dealing with (and I have barely tipped on it here) I am taking the abuser to court and gave a statement last year, also social services are involved, naturally all of this brings me down. It is hard in ways living with me when I am down as I go very quiet, or I cry a lot and sometimes I am absent minded.



I agree that its tough on him...is there anybody he can turn to to try and understand what you are going through...maybe victim support? or working with your counsellor





Throughout all of this though I remain kind to others, I still keep the house going, I am there for my child as best I can and I am proud to say that my child is outgoing, confident, assertive, all the things that I lacked. These sad periods are pretty short now

my guess is that its so tough for the both of ye ....

[





/QUOTE]but my partner gets sick of it.

i can understand that pain...



He had a go at me at the weekend, saying he was sick of me being down, that my past degrades him and infects his mood and brings him down. He said I look ugly, that I objectfy him (he means sexually). He has a much lower drive than me and I used to pressurise him for sex but I have worked really hard on that and I no longer do. I have accepted that he has a low drive. He gets jealous of my friendship with a female friend and sneered at me about that when I told him not to slag her off, when I told him that he is emotionally bullying me and being cruel he covered his ears and shouted Im not listening.






there is a huge amount of pain in this and insecurity from what im reading...maybe what he is saying is his truth and needs to be valadated by you...are ye listening to each other? do ye spend time hearing each others pain?..maybe the low drive is due to being pressurised(but I have worked really hard on that and I no longer do.)that pain is maybe lignering?...there is no excuse for his or your words that hurt each other,maybe its a pattern of anger,names,pain,not being heard?



In the past he has said I am mad, crazy, need locking up, my child should be taken off me, I am a sexual freak because the abuse has turned me that way. He gets onto me for being absent minded and not with it. Any time I went out there was an atmosphere and a mood, as I am unemployed and largely dependant on him financially, he threatened to stop giving me money after I came home late one night. I could go on and on. He calls me names when he is angry but mostly it is spite. Jesus I am getting horrified reading and writing this.






At the very top of this u said you somtimes do the same...its a pattern?...maybe its time to speak to your counsellor and ask about projection....and to quote freud...when i speak i speak of myself...








The thing is when he is nice, he is very, very nice, he is always very sorry afterwards when we make up and in the past I have accepted it and forgiven him but after this weekend, something has died in me. I know I cannot stay with him but I have no money other than a small weekly amount I get from the dole and believe me I have been trying for every job I can get. The thing is the place where we live is rural, my child is very very happy and has a lot of friends, I want to keep the house that we are renting but the price of it is over the rent allowance threshhold and the landlord cannot reduce it to the required amount. I am doing everything to get a job but it has to be daytime hours and enough to cover the rent and food. I have an interview next week and I am hoping to get a job asap and I have also started a small savings this week, with the intention of saving enough to cover us so I can ask my partner to go.
I am deeply sad by all this, and I am stressed out too. I am having to deal with courts, guards, social workers and stuff whilst getting on with my healing and life in general and I am deeply saddened that the man I fell in love with chooses to continue to say awful cruel things despite my many pleadings and conversations telling him how they affect me. I cannot understand when he says he loves me, wants to make me happy, says he cares for me and wants to support me then turns on me when I am down for too long and says horrible, horrible stuff. I feel a bit of liar though staying with him until I can gather enough money to then ask him to leave. We plan to marry next year but I know in my heart that I cannot, also for those of you in long term relationships, do you often threaten to break up and do you still have passion in your relationship after 2 or more years. Any advice / thoughts would be great.[/QUOTE]


to be honest and open with you ...i feel the issuses you are dealing with have nothing to do with ur parnter...he didnt abuse you..nor had anything to do with your familly or any of your past abusive realships...but he seems to be carrying weight for you in this...this is victim mode in my reading of it...theres nothing wrong with being there in that space.in fact for me i know its a safety zone....you have a long road ahead and part of that road is allowing yourself to grow and understand you....the effects of the abuse can go into everysecond of every minunte of every hour of everyday ...if you allow them to....with the help of counselling maybe you could separate the issuse and then make a desicion doesnt excuse the names or the pain that ye cause each other...im sure that he is a decent guy and maybe an angel....

Mary Harney

Hi Jellyboy

I would love, love, love him to get help, I have suggested couple counselling, and counselling for himself but he point blank refuses. I have said talk to me if you are feeling resentful but most of the time he wants to be pretend its not happening. I cannot hide what is going on with me and I don't feel I am projecting stuff on him now but I am changing the dynamics of how we used to relate and that is freaking him out because he is forced to deal with his stuff and he wants me to carry it. I am discussing these things with my counsellor and I am getting help but there is only so much I can take.

Yes he has a nice, kind loving side, which is why I have stayed so far, I want that side or the adult honest side of him but the part of him that bullies and tries to control me, no thanks, I can't take it much more. I want him to work on that because I can't do that for him, the only thing I can do at the moment is not engage with it and remove myself from him when he gets aggressive but it is still deeply upsetting for me and his behaviour is killing of my good feelings towards him.

Mary Harney

ps: to do the quote thing just highlight and copy the text you want, then click the quote link above (looks like a letter beside the border thingy) and it should work for you.

Taltos

OP

this really does sound like a relationship that if not already toxic is heading that way.
If I was even to try to speak to my OH or even a stranger in the way your OH is putting you down - I would be given short shrift - ie there's the door take it...

It seems like you have encouraged him to go for counselling or to try to talk it out - the question you have to ask yourself is - how much more abuse are you willing to take? It seems you have just exchanged one form of abuse for another - mental.
You might not have bruises or scrapes - but internally this has got to be hurting you.

I suggest sitting him down and spelling it out for you.
Either he changes his ways and is supportive or you do not need him in your life or the life of your child.
Personally I think at this point I would say goodbye to him - but it is your call.

You have been really strong up to now and working through your past - why let a bully like this tear you back down. So what if he is nice to you some of the time - no-one needs to be made feel like crap by the person that proclaims to love them.

davyjose

Miller Boy wrote: »

If you were of independant financial means, I'd be saying "Leave today!" .

But instead what you're saying is, "let him pay for you until such time as you can leave"? Is that right.

If the OP wants to leave, then leave. It sounds pretty shallow to say, "we have no future together, but I really want to stay in this lovely house."

Mary Harney

Just an update, thanks to everyone for their advice. I have ended the relationship now, I am relieved and oddly gutted at the same time but I am free. Last Friday he was very moody and he wanted to start an arguement and instead of me responding, I was calm and told him I am removing myself from the room. He was left with his anger. It is the first time I have properly taken care of myself but I know he will not change, not without therapy anyway and to be honest I am too tired from it all, so I ended the relationship last night.

For anyone else reading this, if your relationship is abusive, it is extremely unlikely that it will get better, if anything it will get worse. What I have learned is that if I, as an adult, allow someone to abuse me repeatedly in any form then I am silently saying it is okay to do this to me. My ex was saying the right things but the actions were not marrying up and I had to face up to that reality.

tbh

you're amazing mary. A real inspiration. I wish you nothing but good luck from here on in - it's the first day of the rest of your life!

Taltos

tbh wrote: »

you're amazing mary. A real inspiration. I wish you nothing but good luck from here on in - it's the first day of the rest of your life!

Absolutely OP.
Big well done. I am guessing you are scared / nervous / excited / happy and sad all at once. But TBH nailed it on the head - today is the first day of the rest of your life and I really do wish you all the best in the future.

Really glad you have the strength to do what was needed here - and hope that others read this and understand that there are always options other than silently suffering.

Peggypeg

Mary Harney wrote: »

Just an update, thanks to everyone for their advice. I have ended the relationship now, I am relieved and oddly gutted at the same time but I am free. Last Friday he was very moody and he wanted to start an arguement and instead of me responding, I was calm and told him I am removing myself from the room. He was left with his anger. It is the first time I have properly taken care of myself but I know he will not change, not without therapy anyway and to be honest I am too tired from it all, so I ended the relationship last night.

For anyone else reading this, if your relationship is abusive, it is extremely unlikely that it will get better, if anything it will get worse. What I have learned is that if I, as an adult, allow someone to abuse me repeatedly in any form then I am silently saying it is okay to do this to me. My ex was saying the right things but the actions were not marrying up and I had to face up to that reality.

I would just like to say WOW!!! You really are an amazing woman, you've gone through hell and look at you, I am so impressed. Big big big hug to you, you've gone through so much, l'd love to give you a real hug. You're going to be fine, you've shown that no matter what you won't stop trying, your child is very lucky to have a mam like you.

Best of luck, with everything.