Confused - think I need closure...?

caviargreen

Hey,

I haven't got anybody I can write or really talk to about this. I moved to Liverpool a few months back so I'm new to the area and in the process of trying to make friends, get a life etc. It's proving more difficult than I had thought but I'll soldier on.

Within a month of getting here, I bumped into a girl who I thought was cracking looking and I could sense that she liked me so I asked her out. We dated. That went well and then we started sleeping together. That went well. She really is an amazing woman - highly (and I mean highly) intelligent, attractive, a wonderful musician, and very very nice person. Really ticking all the boxes and I found myself becoming more and more attracted to her as time went on. She's also very successful professionally, working as a clinical psychologist. I can really sing her praise. While I wouldn't say that I was in love with her, I really care(d) for her and was willing to let the relationship continue to see where it led. And it was going smoothly. I'm a student, not working, not exactly struggling to get by but I don't have cash to throw about. She respected this and our relationship was based purely on mutual respect - well so I believed. I think I remember her saying from the outset that us seeing each other would be a bit of 'fun' - which it was. I don't think either of us were looking for anything thoroughly serious. She also lives in a different city so we would only see each other once or twice a week so it wasn't anything over the top in terms of commitment.

We contniued texting and relating over the Christmas break - a good three weeks. When we saw each other again, it was great. Well it felt good. I can't say it was a whirlwind but I continued to really like this girl. On reflection, she remained a bit distant, as in non-committal but there were moments when I could see she liked me. She even asked me to meet up with her friends which was a stepping stone. Her being a psychologist, I felt she was always trying to suss me out. My paranoia? Not really. I think everybody tries to evaluate the person they are with. The difference here being that she does it with expertise! But I was very open with her and I really have nothing to hide. I did reveal some of my past relationships and some personal family problems, for which she seemed to accept. She too had her own family problems so there was a balance here.

The week after I disclosed this family problem, our relationship ended. I don't want to describe the 'family problem' here but during the breakup she disclosed that she realised the timing of the breakup was poor considering the recent family disclosure. So discounting this a reason for her splitting up, I'll try to describe what her reasonings were. During the week prior everything seemed to be going swimmingly. We started to talk more and she said that I was starting to 'open up more'. I had had a party filled weekend and I think I was hungover for a few days. I wasn't in the best of spirits, partly because of the hangover and partly because I started to personnally reflect how I wasn't enjoying myself all that much in Liverpool. I guess I am a bit lonely and it was this week in particular that I was feeling a bit down. But I didn't reveal this mood or feelings to her at all. We continued to text. Again, on reflection, I don't think I was too pushy or needy but I did want to see her. She said I could see her the weekend. That was great. In my haste I asked if I could visit her on Thursday or Friday, whichever suited her. She called me, saying she had a headache, and she really sounded stressed. Her work is very demanding and she had also had a very difficult week. She hardly slept six hours a night. When she doesn't sleep, she gets very grumpy - much like us all. Also that week, her friend was beaten up by her boyfriend, and this friend moved into her apartment. That was a lot to take on - she had a lot on her plate for which I should have been considerate and given her more space. But my motives were a little selfish as I wasn't feeling too chirpy. Her personality being that she is very altruistic, and giving and always helpful to others - self-deprecating in a sense, that she may take too much on board and discount herself.

She called to me on the Saturday and out of the blue, she said she can't continue the relationship. It was a shock. She looked very vulnerable and confused. I could sense she wasn't sure. She looked tired, and distraught. She said that she didn't have the right feelings and that if she continued the relationship, she feared that she may end up really hurting me. I really respected her honesty but she wasn't sure and I was afraid of losing her. We walked for a few hours. We kissed, hugged, talked - it was an emotional roller coaster. One minute she was back, then next I felt pushed away. When we kissed, it felt great. We talked more in depth about our previous relationships and this is where I learned a lot more about her. She had just ended a relationship about a year ago and was still carrying some baggage. She had also had some seriously bad experiences - one partner self-abusing himself, torturing her psychologically in order to keep her and another partner after that tried to commit suicide after she left him. She kept blaming herself. She showed how vulnerable she really is. I felt that she was strong, which she is, but she had emotional and psychological scars which were (are) not healed. I couldn't understand why she was blaming herself. She's a psychologist who helps people with issues everyday of the week and yet she continued to hurt herself because of the psychoticism of her previous partners.

But what makes this even stranger and more confusing for me, is that she somehow tied me into this equation. She didn't want to hurt me by continuing the realtionship? What did this mean? In the end, she said she had to go. She said she's confused. She said she still doesn't feel like I'm her partner, yet when we kiss she does. She apologised for her confusing actions over the duration of our walk. When she first said she wanted to break up, she asked if I was going to hit her!!? I'd never hit her. She really showed strange vulnerabilities. This has really played on my mind. She's the clinical expert, suggesting that I would hit her and aligning me with tales of abuse and suicide because of a relationship breaking up. This has all been so strange. In the space of 4 days - very stressful days for her - she has come up with all of this and I really don't know what to do. I left her saying that she knows where to find me. I said that I know she has had a difficult week, and year and that if she wants to come back, she knows where to find me. She said the old cliche - that it isn't me but her. That good aul reliable. We joked about that but it just confuses me even more.

I care about this girl. It's been over a week now since she broke up. I've not contacted her. She hasn't contacted me. Is that it? Should I just let her go? I've so many questions. Plenty of fish and all that jazz and I can move on. I'm healing already but still parts of me wonder if I should contact her to see how she is. Did she just have a bad week and panic? I'm of the opinion that one can develop a relationship. I realise that she has this tremendous fear about hurting people because of previous traumatic relationships. So does this mean she doesn't take the risk of continuing. She based her decision, or so I'm lead to believe, on how she was feeling. As a man, I don't understand this 'womanly' feeling that she's referring to but a week previous her feelings seemed just fine...?

It actually helps a little to write these words down. Slightly therapeutic. But I'm still a little confused as what to do. Is she sitting at home, free as a bird, glad to be rid of me or is she confused, embarrassed by what has happened and maybe willing to try again but afraid to contact me? Of course I'm going to be in denial about certain aspects and hope for the best but I'm just wondering what to do? Thanks for your help.

LegacyUser

caviargreen wrote: »

She didn't want to hurt me by continuing the realtionship? What did this mean?

caviargreen wrote: »

She said that she didn't have the right feelings and that if she continued the relationship, she feared that she may end up really hurting me.

In short, she's saying in the nicest possible way that she isn't into you as much as she thinks you're into her. Continuing the relationship when she knows this isn't fair on you.

caviargreen wrote: »

When she first said she wanted to break up, she asked if I was going to hit her!!? I'd never hit her. She really showed strange vulnerabilities.

Yes, that is a bit shocking to hear alright. But not that strange when you consider the extreme reactions two other partners had when she broke up with them.

caviargreen wrote: »

She said the old cliche - that it isn't me but her. That good aul reliable.

Again, this is just a nice way of saying that she isn't into you as much as you're into her.

caviargreen wrote: »

But I'm still a little confused as what to do. Is she sitting at home, free as a bird, glad to be rid of me or is she confused, embarrassed by what has happened and maybe willing to try again but afraid to contact me?

Don't call her. Believe me, if she has any regrets about her decision, she'll call you.

caviargreen

Yep, that's the conclusion I had come to myself. Thanks for the reply.