Stand up comedian of the week #1: Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

I would nearly go ghey for the man. not that I would, but ya know what I mean. He had one of the most perfect ways of delivering I could ever imagine possible. Also, I could only imagine how hard it would be to do a show using pretty much just one liners.

Let's hear from the man himself:

Mitch Hedberg wrote:

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D'... for doughnut.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.


Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck.


On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.

And the youtube bits:

Enjoy Mitch and feel free to add some choice lines/videos/discussions/whatever

grames_bond

greatest comedian to ever grace a comedy stage IMO! ultimate legend!

>dogs are forever in the push up position

> I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

>I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Funkfield

I have been saved by the bouyancy of citrus!

frobisher

Mitch is the only comedian I care about. I truly love him. He is my hero.

Fuzzy_Dunlop

Just saw this thread now! Mitch is pretty much the best guy ever. Such an absolutely brilliant comedian. It's amazing how many of his jokes constantly pop into my head throughout the day after listening to his CDs so much:D

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"