How to make amends?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I am need of some objective advice. I have messed up my life in so many ways. I suffer from depression and have been on medication, which has helped and I am also seeing a psychotherapist, again this has helped enourmously. However in January I seem to have slipped a bit into a prolonged dark mood. I was really difficult to be around, grumpy, argumentative and not at all responsive to the world in a constructive way. Last week I had a major row with two of my best friends. It was completely irrational. I took a small slight and turned it into world war three for no apparant reason. I lashed out and I was completely wrong to do so. I said nasty things and I know I really upset them. Despite all of this, they continued to be my friends.

I apologised when I came to my senses and now I am wracked with guilt. I know they love me. Yet I can't forgive myself for what I've done. I can be a really horrible person to have a fight with and I am always out to win. I know my words can be so incredibly hurtful and I am just so exhausted with behaviour that I can only imagine how those around me are feeling. I basically, in a nutshell, don't put happiness in anyone elses life because I am too wrapped up in my own problems. All I do is hold people to account, argue, use emotional blackmail to try and almost get them to prove that they care. I want to walk away from these friendships in a sesne because as much as I love them, I feel I have inflicted too much damage on them. It really upsets me that that I have done this. I apologised and recognised how difficult I have been but even doing that makes me feel more guilty because I feel the more I discuss how I am feeling the more worried it will make them.

I want to get things back on track, have fun, hang out and not have them lurching from one extreme of worrying about me to fending off my moods or being persecuted by me. I guess what I am asking is, should I just keep to myself and put my head down? I am truly horrified by how nasty I can be. How do I go about re-building these friendships so that they are not poisoned by my condition? Should I just accept that they care and not mention it again? Or should I discuss it with them? Or just leave them be for a while?

Thanks for reading, I know it might seem trivial but I really do care and I can't stop kicking myself for having another outburst wasn't warranted.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Firstly - all that you wrote you could pretty much describe my life the past few weeks to a tee. Well throw in some paranoia and that's me

How are things with your friends? Are you still in contact with them? Do they know your history of depression and that you're in therapy and on meds?

In my experiences I found it best to ask if we could talk and then say "Listen, I know I've been acting like a crazy loon (insert your own personal pet name here) for the past few weeks. I've hit a bit of a rough patch that I can't really explain and I apologise for how I've been acting." Obviously personalise to your own situation... But be 100% honest - tell them exactly how you're feeling. If they're good friends they will appreciate the honesty, and will understand your low mood.

Chances are that how you're feeling at the moment about not bringing happiness into other peoples lives is just a symptom of the depression. I often feel the same and sometimes need some reassurance that I am making a difference to someones life... I know that's not exactly a healthy attitude to have but it helps...

Also maybe do something nice for your friends - I don't mean big expensive gifts or anything, but something thoughtful and personal to you and your friendship - maybe a card or a photo that will remind you all of the good times.

As I said, if they're good friends they'll stick by you and how you're feeling now is just a horrible effect of the fun illness known as depression.

Good luck.