dating issues

LegacyUser

As per another thread here regarding mental health and dating.
Would you date someone who had a mental health issue or would you think its too much baggage to bring into your life?
I myself suffer from bulimia and borderline personality disorder, i've been in therapy for over a year now and feel the most balanced i have in a long time. However i myself know i am not the easiest person to get on with or very rational at times still.
I'm just out of LTR which didnt end very well, its been 3 months now and thinking of letting my self get back on the horse so to speak.
Would it be a deal breaker for you if you knew about a mental illness?

Victor

I think its a matter of picking your moment to tell someone you have a particular issue. You wouldn't tell someone you suffer from occasional diarrhoea on your first date (unless you were both gastro doctors). Now maybe if after meeting a few times something was up you could say that you are feeling a bit off and that it happens sometimes. Also, note there is a difference between "private" and "secret".

Of course, everyone has their own little insecurities, whether its physical, mental, social or whatever - sure have the country needs alcohol in them going on a date.

unattendedbag

Personally for me it wouldnt be a dealbreaker at all. Id always give someone im interested in a chance, no matter what they revealed to me. However if the mental health issue interfered with the day to day aspect of the relationship and the normal things couples do in the early stage of a relationship then naturally I would have to ask myself if staying in the relationship was the best idea. But then again thats just me. I wouldnt go seeking a girl that needs fixing and make it my project to change the way she is, but if a mental health issue can be overcome easily then there's no reason to think of her as anything different than a normal woman.

kjl

I would have a lot of deal breaker, but i could let that one go.

pwd

for me, alarm bells would be clanging very loudly.
there's nothing wrong with staying single until you get your head together you know.
people should be learn to be completely ok by themselves before they try getting into serious relationships imo.

Victor

pwd wrote: »

people should be learn to be completely ok by themselves before they try getting into serious relationships imo.

If that was the case, few of us would get anywhere.

pwd

Victor wrote: »

If that was the case, few of us would get anywhere.

because nobody is ok in themselves eh? Rubbish.

ash23

I dated a guy for a bit who then told me he has bi-polar. I could deal with that but he admitted it had only been a year since his last breakdown where he tried to commit suicide. He was in therapy and on medication but they were still trying to find the right balance and his moods were still erratic.

I'm a single parent and if I'm perfectly honest, I have enough on my plate without dealing with his moods (which had already affected the relationship). I know he couldn't help it but I did feel that he needed to focus on himself and get sorted so I broke up with him. It was just going to require too much effort on my behalf and I just couldn't give that to him.

Monkey61

It's always going to be a tough one OP. I'm a fellow BPD sufferer and even though I am grand at the moment; the best I have ever been in fact - I still have a few quirks that aren't at all rational and specifically manifest themselves in relation to relationships.

I've never met anyone who would have a problem with it but I think as Victor says it depends how you approach the issue. This is just a part of your life that is always going to be there (with relation to the BPD) but that you can manage so there is no point denying yourself possible happiness by making a bigger deal of it than is necessary as regards relationships. I can guarantee that you will probably be a lot more miserable if you sit around for the next 20 years waiting to be entirely "cured" so to speak and avoiding relationships.

I find that these things just naturally come up in conversation as dating type scenarios progress. I am quite open though and always jokingly refer to times when I have "gone completely mental" and done ridiculous things. If anybody judged me on past behaviour without experiencing any negative behaviour themselves...well...then they probably wouldn't be the type of person that I would want to date.

I don't bother going into the ins and outs of BPD with new people that I date, as to be honest I am sick of talking about it. But I do just mention at some point that I have a tendency to act like a complete loon and do really stupid destructive things sometimes so that if I am being a bit off, well they don't think that it is their fault.

There are always going to be people that want to wrap themselves in cotton wool and protect themselves from any possible future hurt. And then there are those who would happily take a chance on love and happiness even if there was a possibility that they could get hurt in the future. once you start to get to know someone it is pretty easy to figure out which category they fall into.

Novella

It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me if I met someone I really liked and he had a mental health issue. I mean, most people do nowadays.
People have baggage in all shapes and forms. I don't think that there is ever a time when you get into a relationship where one or both people aren't bringing something to the table that isn't all lovely and happy.

Deal breakers in relationships for me are generally my own problems, not someone else's. I can deal with another person being depressed, but I hate the thought of someone having to put up with me when I refuse to get outta bed and go to work or do other pretty regular things, just 'cause I'm not bothered.

I think if you met someone who likes you, he'd accept the fact that you have / had bulimia. What's hard to deal with is if a person won't accept that they have a problem. It is so difficult to watch someone you care about on a path of destruction.

I guess I think that if you are dealing with your problems, they shouldn't cause too much of a difficulty in meeting a partner. It is easy to put someone off when you are struggling or wallowing etc. but over-coming an issue, or battling one is pretty admirable in my book.

LegacyUser

I think you should take more time to get your self together before considering a relationship. What is the hurry? Your health is more important I feel.

As someone who has a very close friend suffering from depression I just couldn't cope with having someone else close to me with such problems. It takes so much out of me to listen to their problems and try to help and/or be a support. This has been over an extended period of time. It is very difficult.

If someone already close to me develops such a problem I will be there for them but I couldn't knowingly take it on with someone I have just meet.

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear.

LegacyUser

Hi OP - I'm in a similar position to you. I'm bulimic and currently undergoing CBT.

In my case, I'd like to think that my bulimia wouldn't factor. I'm not saying I don't have some huge issues in my life right now, or that I'm 100% 'ok in myself' as someone put it. However, it doesn't stop me living my day to day life. None of my friends nor most of my family (who I live with) are aware of my condition - so I wouldn't see it being a problem in a relationship.

On the other hand, from my point of view - I'd struggle to have a relationship with someone with serious mental health issues. Which makes me sound like a bit of a wagon, talk about double standards, eh? But that depends on the extent of the problems. I certainly wouldn't want to enter a relationship where I'd be expected to be constantly picking the other person up all the time - I've gotta do that enough for myself right now.


I guess what I'm saying is - how much would you need to rely on that person? If this is something you'd need support with right from the start, then I think it'd be difficult for someone to take on that role. If you feel like you can continue to take care of YOURSELF, and still develop a relationship with someone else, then go for it. The important thing is that neither one significantly impacts the other in a negative fashion.

Make sure you're the priority, that's all.

LegacyUser

I have to say it really is nice to see peoples responses on here.
I only got diagnosed with the personality disorder a couple of months ago, it was a huge relief knowing what was going on inside my little head wasnt rational. I mean its not total crazy stuff but a major factor with be fear of abandonment, which turns me into a very needy, controlling person, a stranger to myself at times, finally to get a grip on that anxiety was very satisfying.
As to relying on a person, well i am very much still functioning, finished my degree and planning (hopefully) on travelling soon enough. How much does a "normal" person rely on their OH? Obviously it would be harder at times if you slip back into some destructive ways but day to day you do ok.
I am not talking about jumping back into something heavy again, but experiencing new things and new people is something i am looking forward to, and as i said i can be outwardly as normal as the rest of you!
Crazzies eh we're fun!