sad that he's over it

LegacyUser

Long story short, me and the OH have agreed to take time apart. as apart as you can be when you live together. i thought it'd be a good idea, as it'd give me a chance to see that i can be fine without him, and that maybe it'd make him realise how much he wants to be with me (if he does) and things could get much better if we got back together.

First few days were fine, really good actually. things were good between us, he made a whole lot of effort that would've been what i needed if we were together. i felt like this could really make things better for us if we got back together, after a time. He'd be in a routine of doing these things and they'd be from him wanting to do them, and it'd be easy to continue with it. I didnt say anything about getting back together yet as that just seems silly to bring up. Though I do worry that he doesn't really see us as broken up.

But between today and yesterday, not that I want him to be miserable and mopey, he seems to be just getting on with whatever he wants. he's making plans. and he went to visit friends in another county, was gone for a day. I've nothing against him doing all this (most of this stuff i've been trying to get him to be interested in anyway) I'm glad he's not mopey, if we do stay broken up i need to know he'll be ok. It's just i suppose i didn't think he'd so easily get into this thing of being by himself. I've no friends, and i dont have many interests, and so i feel quite lonely, but it's made worse by the fact that he doesn't seem at all bothered about us being apart. I suppose it's that I want him to be ok with being by himself, but not for him to be so happy with it. Not that he's going around whistling happy tunes to himself or anything, but he is getting on with things, and after four years of being together it's not nice to see someone's fine without you.

shellyboo

blurb wrote: »

...after four years of being together it's not nice to see someone's fine without you.

Sorry, what? After four years of being together it's not nice to see your partner happy and balanced and getting on with his life? Let me guess - you're the one who instigated the break and now you're annoyed that it hasn't bothered him as much as you thought it would.

You should be happy that he's well-rounded enough to get on with his life when you're not around. Sitting around moping and miserable is a waste of time and you shouldn't be wishing that on him. It doesn't reflect well on you, tbh.

ChocolateRamses

Are you saying you'd have been happier if he was distraught without you?

extra-ordinary_

Your post makes no sense.

You've split up but still live together and your wondering why your 'ex' doesn't miss you?

Can you not see what's wrong here?

krudler

Ah this old chestnut "I want you to be happy, but not TOO happy" I've had that with breakups, decided i didnt want to mope around and feel sorry for myself, made some plans to get out and keep myself occupied,then got the guilt trip "oh i didnt mean much if you're over it already" blah blah blah, your "ex" sounds much more adjusted than you do tbh, fair play to him for getting on with things instead of doing the woe is me routine

iguana

Sorry OP, but it sort of sounds as if you are playing a game with him and it backfired on you. Your post makes it sound as if you broke up with him to give him a fright and maybe 'train' him to be more like how you want him to be. But instead he is just getting on with things and you don't like it.

LegacyUser

Well thanks for the input. I already suffer from depression, and have been very down about this. I don't get on well with my family and have no one to talk to especially now that my mother is dead. But thanks for making me feel bad for wanting someone to care

LegacyUser

Sorry but sounds to me like your playing games and it came back to bite you in the arse. Its a case of well you'll see how miserable you are without me in your life and then you're upset because he's not miserable, you say you want him to be okay with it well he is, so whats the problem? You say time apart yet you say for the first few days you were apart things were great between you?? You live together were spending time together yet you reckon you were apart because you said "we're not together", it all sounds very childish to me. You don't play games like that with people you love, I broke up with a guy I was mad about he is seeing someone else now, and I am genuinely happy for him, because I care for him and want him to be happy. Stop being so damn selfish.

krudler

blurb wrote: »

Well thanks for the input. I already suffer from depression, and have been very down about this. I don't get on well with my family and have no one to talk to especially now that my mother is dead. But thanks for making me feel bad for wanting someone to care

None of this mentioned in original post btw, and "wanting someone to care" is just a nice way of saying you wanted him to jump through hoops for you but he's not so now you're in a huff about it, not to sound harsh but just because you'v egot no friends (your words not mine) and he does, doesnt mean he should sit around by himself and feel miserable, breaking up with someone is hard, and its usually that time you want to spend with friends and doing stuff to keep your mind off it

You said you dont mind him spending time with friends and doing stuff, but then your're annoyed that he's doing just that? make up your mind

shellyboo

blurb wrote: »

Well thanks for the input. I already suffer from depression, and have been very down about this. I don't get on well with my family and have no one to talk to especially now that my mother is dead. But thanks for making me feel bad for wanting someone to care

If you'd have told me I was going on a guilt trip, I'd have packed a bag...

Look. I'm sure your partner cares about you - but you can't expect him to sit about and mope just because you want him to. It's unhealthy. If you feel it's affecting your mood even more, then talk to your counsellor or GP about it - because I'm sure you're getting counselling for your depression, right? You're not just complaining that no-one cares without having asked for help? That would be silly.

ChocolateRamses

Troll.

Silverfish

ChocolateRamses, I appreciate you are new to this forum, so I would recommend you read the charter and stickies at the top before calling people trolls on thread, and be aware of the correct way to report it.

Thank you.

ChocolateRamses

Silverfish wrote: »

ChocolateRamses, I appreciate you are new to this forum, so I would recommend you read the charter and stickies at the top before calling people trolls on thread, and be aware of the correct way to report it.

Thank you.

Fair enough.

OS119

blurb wrote: »

...But thanks for making me feel bad for wanting someone to care...

why should he care - you dumped him in order to 'train' him. not really the actions of a loving, mature, considerate lover deserving of respect, concern and empathy.

silly girl plays big boys game and then gets upset and stamps her foot when she discovers to her cost that big boys game has big boys rules.

un-fcuking-lucky.

Peggypeg

Have to agree with all the other posters, you thought by being "apart" you'd make him realise that he's mad about you and be miserable. Now you see that he's happy and going out etc and now you feel bad. If it were him here I'd advise him to dump you, you do not sound like you care about him at all, oh you say you do but your actions speak louder than words. You sound extremely selfish and to be quite honest I'd imagine he's better off without someone who play games like you do. It's sad that your mum is dead and that you suffer from depression but that doesn't excuse you for threating your boyfriend like cr*p. Breaking up with someone to panic them and make controlling them easier is just sick, selfish and like I say it's would be better for your other half to find someone who cares about him. Maybe go to councelling and find out why you think it's ok to threat people as you do, also it could help you to make friends when you learn how to treat people properly and with respect, rather than manipulation.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I can't believe not one of you understands what i'm actually saying. I want him to get on with things. Before when we were going through a rough patch he said to me that if we broke up he'd feel like killing himself. So i have been a long long time trying to get him to do things for himself, seeing his friends, doing his own things, but he hasn't. I'm not saying I don't want him to, where would you get that from???????? All i'm saying is after four years it's hard to accept that he might be ok with it. I'm not ok with us breaking up, and all i'm saying is it'd be nice to know I meant something.

But I spoke to him in the mean time, and he told me he's not ok, he's just trying to get into doing his own things, as, without me, he doesn't really do much. WHICH IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR MORE THAN A YEAR.

I wanted some sort of support from people that may have been in the same position at some point, but i guess being honest about feeling lonely was the wrong thing to do. I wasn't looking for sympathy I was just being honest. I had a really bad day yesterday, as the past few days have been worse, and I just needed to speak to someone.

I am on a double dose of prozac which i'm not sure is working anymore, and I'm on a waiting list for counselling, no word about it in months.

Moomoo1

blurb wrote: »

I can't believe not one of you understands what i'm actually saying. I want him to get on with things. Before when we were going through a rough patch he said to me that if we broke up he'd feel like killing himself. So i have been a long long time trying to get him to do things for himself, seeing his friends, doing his own things, but he hasn't. I'm not saying I don't want him to, where would you get that from???????? All i'm saying is after four years it's hard to accept that he might be ok with it. I'm not ok with us breaking up, and all i'm saying is it'd be nice to know I meant something.

But I spoke to him in the mean time, and he told me he's not ok, he's just trying to get into doing his own things, as, without me, he doesn't really do much. WHICH IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR MORE THAN A YEAR.

I wanted some sort of support from people that may have been in the same position at some point, but i guess being honest about feeling lonely was the wrong thing to do. I wasn't looking for sympathy I was just being honest. I had a really bad day yesterday, as the past few days have been worse, and I just needed to speak to someone.

I am on a double dose of prozac which i'm not sure is working anymore, and I'm on a waiting list for counselling, no word about it in months.

sorry about that OP, some people on here do tend to act like insensitive schoolchildren sometimes... although it hasn't helped that it was really hard to understand your first post, or what exactly was happening.

question is, what do you actually want? You can't have it both ways: if he spends time with his friends then he won't be spending it with you. What do you actually _want_ to happen?

metrovelvet

You would take it as a sign that he loved you if he exhibited the symptoms of mourning?

I get that. Everyone grieves differently. Or maybe things had run their course.

LegacyUser

hi op, i suffer from depression too, I know what its like.

I think what might make you feel better is to try to develop new friends of your own. Now I know how hard that is. I find mixing with people very exhausting as you know with depression a lot of us wear a mask of trying to appear normal. And with the weakness and rolling self-critical thoughts in your head it is mentally and physically shattering.

I found that writing my feelings down helped me to organise what I was feeling and I was able to articulate and organise my thoughts and see my behaviour. I push people away and also at the same time feel hurt and abandoned. It makes no sense but its part of the illness.

After I wrote out my thoughts and saw my behaviour I was then able to drop the mask somewhat so some of my close family. They were really sad and shocked but in another way greatly relieved. The mask we invest so much in is not as realistic as we may believe and when you start being real and a bit vulnerable with people they understand and identify a lot more with you.

That alone has helped me so much. The self imposed isolation of depression is truly soul destroying. I am glad you have seeked counselling. I am also waiting but meanwhile used the internet to study the disease and educate myself. Also opening up to people and them understanding has lifted a massive weight off too and I do feel a bit better these days.

Being the partner of someone who is depressed is draining for them. Especially if we socially isolate ourselves, they carry the weight alone and feel guilt and frustration for enjoying things. Also as much as you try to conceal the negativity, it leaks out in many ways and poisons a relationship. But I do know the daily effort you probably just require to keep going.

None of us can do this alone. You need to spread that load. Open yourself to people, they are not perfect, they can't be. None of us is. Start small and make it a goal to work a little every day on moving that heavy, heavy rock of depression off you.

I'm sorry you had a bad day pet. Stay connected with your (ex) man and let him see you getting on with things too. Believe me if you love each other and want to get back together then this can only help.

Peace!

LegacyUser

depression too wrote: »

hi op, i suffer from depression too, I know what its like.

I think what might make you feel better is to try to develop new friends of your own. Now I know how hard that is. I find mixing with people very exhausting as you know with depression a lot of us wear a mask of trying to appear normal. And with the weakness and rolling self-critical thoughts in your head it is mentally and physically shattering.

I found that writing my feelings down helped me to organise what I was feeling and I was able to articulate and organise my thoughts and see my behaviour. I push people away and also at the same time feel hurt and abandoned. It makes no sense but its part of the illness.

After I wrote out my thoughts and saw my behaviour I was then able to drop the mask somewhat so some of my close family. They were really sad and shocked but in another way greatly relieved. The mask we invest so much in is not as realistic as we may believe and when you start being real and a bit vulnerable with people they understand and identify a lot more with you.

That alone has helped me so much. The self imposed isolation of depression is truly soul destroying. I am glad you have seeked counselling. I am also waiting but meanwhile used the internet to study the disease and educate myself. Also opening up to people and them understanding has lifted a massive weight off too and I do feel a bit better these days.

Being the partner of someone who is depressed is draining for them. Especially if we socially isolate ourselves, they carry the weight alone and feel guilt and frustration for enjoying things. Also as much as you try to conceal the negativity, it leaks out in many ways and poisons a relationship. But I do know the daily effort you probably just require to keep going.

None of us can do this alone. You need to spread that load. Open yourself to people, they are not perfect, they can't be. None of us is. Start small and make it a goal to work a little every day on moving that heavy, heavy rock of depression off you.

I'm sorry you had a bad day pet. Stay connected with your (ex) man and let him see you getting on with things too. Believe me if you love each other and want to get back together then this can only help.

Peace!

Thanks for your input. It is nice to hear from someone that understands how difficult things are. The problem is my family really don't care. I don't mean to sound nasty but I just wouldn't even tell them im on prozac cos well the best I could hope for from them is to ask why I think i'm depressed. Past that they wouldn't care. I know they wouldn't.

I want to have friends, but I just don't seem to be able to make / keep them. Plus now I'm unemployed for the past 7 months so I really don't have any opportunities. I've thought about joining up to a evening class but I've IBS so that just puts extra stress on me. So I don't know how to spend my time. Being by myself all the time is just horrible for me. So I know i've become dependent on my ex, which is not good, but I thought I can't be with someone for fear of being alone, so we broke up.

I've nothing to do but watch tv, and try not to fall asleep all day, and look for jobs. So i'm feeling more miserable than usual, and the only contact i have is with him, as i live with him, and so the fact that he didn't seem bothered that we weren't together got to me a lot.

krudler

I can't believe not one of you understands what i'm actually saying.

It'd help if you actually explained it properly

I want him to get on with things. Before when we were going through a rough patch he said to me that if we broke up he'd feel like killing himself. So i have been a long long time trying to get him to do things for himself, seeing his friends, doing his own things, but he hasn't. I'm not saying I don't want him to, where would you get that from????????

You want him to get on with things, he is getting on with things, where's the issue here?

All i'm saying is after four years it's hard to accept that he might be ok with it. I'm not ok with us breaking up, and all i'm saying is it'd be nice to know I meant something.

So what do you want? you say in the same post you both want him to do things yet want to feel bad about the breakup?which one is it? Just because someone is trying to move on with things doesnt mean they never cared in the first place, you want him to be ok, but no too ok, is that it?

LegacyUser

blurb wrote: »

Thanks for your input. It is nice to hear from someone that understands how difficult things are. The problem is my family really don't care. I don't mean to sound nasty but I just wouldn't even tell them im on prozac cos well the best I could hope for from them is to ask why I think i'm depressed. Past that they wouldn't care. I know they wouldn't.

Well put that to one side for the moment then. As I said start small and don't build your expectations too high of people. The only person who is going to get you out of this is yourself. If your family dont understand at the moment, don't demonise them for that. remember we didn't understand depression either when it wasn't happening to us.

Join a depression forum on the net and read other peoples stories and write too if you like. Even some human interaction with others that are going thru the same helps to make you feel less alone.

Make a small plan to do some dogwalking etc something small to get you out of the repetative routine you are in. Doing things especially new things DOES feel uncomfortable. And your brain will automatically discount everything at first with 'I cant because ....x..y...z..'
Thats normal for a depressed mind. But you have to make great efforts to get yourself to stop listening to the negative thoughts and start changing your thinking patterns of 'I cant' and 'no, its impossible because'

blurb wrote: »

I want to have friends, but I just don't seem to be able to make / keep them. Plus now I'm unemployed for the past 7 months so I really don't have any opportunities. I've thought about joining up to a evening class but I've IBS so that just puts extra stress on me. So I don't know how to spend my time. Being by myself all the time is just horrible for me. So I know i've become dependent on my ex, which is not good, but I thought I can't be with someone for fear of being alone, so we broke up.

Yes, there are obstacles but really you know and I know that you CAN do things. Start working on the way you think. With the friends keep it small and simple. Even a few new small interactions a day will help. Not all interactions with people that go wrong are your fault either. remember that, you might have faults but so does everyone. Keep trying to make friends. Listen as well as talk and accept people for what they are. Dont write everyone off to punish the world.

blurb wrote: »

I've nothing to do but watch tv, and try not to fall asleep all day, and look for jobs. So i'm feeling more miserable than usual, and the only contact i have is with him, as i live with him, and so the fact that he didn't seem bothered that we weren't together got to me a lot.

You are without doubt in a bad space. But you need to start planning for yourself. Nothing external is going to happen to change the way your life is now. YOU have to do it. I know you probably feel weak but you have to fight.

Moomoo1

blurb wrote: »

Thanks for your input. It is nice to hear from someone that understands how difficult things are. The problem is my family really don't care. I don't mean to sound nasty but I just wouldn't even tell them im on prozac cos well the best I could hope for from them is to ask why I think i'm depressed. Past that they wouldn't care. I know they wouldn't.

I want to have friends, but I just don't seem to be able to make / keep them. Plus now I'm unemployed for the past 7 months so I really don't have any opportunities. I've thought about joining up to a evening class but I've IBS so that just puts extra stress on me. So I don't know how to spend my time. Being by myself all the time is just horrible for me. So I know i've become dependent on my ex, which is not good, but I thought I can't be with someone for fear of being alone, so we broke up.

I've nothing to do but watch tv, and try not to fall asleep all day, and look for jobs. So i'm feeling more miserable than usual, and the only contact i have is with him, as i live with him, and so the fact that he didn't seem bothered that we weren't together got to me a lot.

ok, no I understand. I think you need to decide whether you really want to be with that person, whether you have any feelings towards him. If you do, you should apologise and get back together. Ok, you want him to be more independent, but hurting someone in order to achieve it will sour your future relations, and isn't worth it frankly.