Dating with mental problems

PIOP

Hi,

Not sure if this post is better here or in relationship issues.

Basically, after a lifetime of struggling with myself, I've finally gone and asked for medical help. I'm now on anti-depressants and going to CBT, and the general thought is that I may well be bipolar (will need to discuss possible medication changes with doctor, etc.).

All this aside, since I've started the medication and therapy, things have gotten better. It hasn't been a bump free road, but the bumps have been slightly easier to deal with.

My problem right now is that two guys I know (completely separate to each other) have expressed an interest in me. Rather than felling happy or flattered at this, I'm horrified. It has thrown me into something of a panic, and I can feel my level of anxiety rise whenever I think about it (or see the texts/emails left unanswered by me). It's one of those things that I'm working on in CBT, I just can't seem to deal with it, for many many reasons. (As I'm typing, a text just arrived from one of them. It's a lovely message, the kind that should probably make me smile. But instead, my stomach just sank, and I feel nervous and pressure and stress.)

They're both nice guys, and they deserve someone nice who will like them back, and someone who isn't broken. In short, someone better than who I am right now. I don't want to crush them by just outright rejecting them for no apparent reason, but I don't want to be leading them on either.

Truth is, I'm not sure how I feel about them at all. When I think about them, I don't get pleasant butterflies, or smile. I just feel nothing at all, a bit numb (but that's true of a lot of things these days). On the one hand, part of me thinks that I shouldn't totally dismiss the idea of being happy in a relationship with someone, but...

How can I get into a relationship with someone when I've got so much else going on right now? How many dates do you go on with someone before you tell them that you have some real mental problems that aren't going away any time soon? Surely it's not fair to them to get into a pattern of dating or a relationship with me, only to then later on have me reveal why I can never seem to be free on that one night a week (therapy) or why I have to take a handful of pills every day. It's not like I can keep it a secret forever, because even through the medication and the therapy, I'm still having ups and downs, and I have had one or two meltdowns into bleak depression, or crazy, argumentative, hysteria filled mania. One day, they're gonna call me, and I'm not going to answer the phone, either because I'm so down that I can't move, or because I'm feeling so crazy that I'm busy taking on loads of new projects that I won't complete, or screaming at my friends for no reason, or crying my eyes out in my car while I try desperately not to hurt myself. And then, what do I tell them?

I'm not seeing my therapist again until tomorrow evening, and I still have to think of something to say to both guys, but I'm really struggling. I want to tell them that it's not their fault, and that I'm not trying to be mean because I think they're horrible or unattractive. But I just don't see how I can be in a relationship when I'm still trying to make it 2-3 months in a row meltdown free. I've already driven away most of my friends, thankfully I still have a few left who hung on until I finally got help. How could I deal with letting someone into my life, and then driving them away too?

So, I could just be honest with them, and say that it's not them, but it's me. But how honest? I don't know them that well, and I'm not really sure that I want to blather on about the fact that I'm secretly nuts.

It's all a bit of a big stressy mess really. Does anyone have any advice? At all?

Thanks for reading.

skooterblue

I just want to say well done for looking for help its the first step. Cula bula on getting two guys to chase you. I think what you should do is tell a limited truth to both of them. Something along the lines of "You are a lovely fella, but right now is not a good time for me, I am not ruling anything out in the future just not right now". Life seems complex enough why bring in another aspect of a relationship to it?.

You don't have to tell them, directly what the problem is, it might not just be the right time for you. Which would be the worse scenario, you having a melt down or the two guys feeling a bit jilted. Unfortunately this Ballygobackwards place has made great progress with medicine but as a society we still apply leeches to problems. It might be easier to step back and focus on yourself. give yourself an amount of time, reflect and maybe then you will be ready for a relationship.

The best advice I can offer is work with your medical professionals and when you feel ready then you do what ever you want. Best of luck and when you are feeling better I hope you land a lovely guy

ChocolateRamses

OP I think skooterblue has hit the nail on the head.

As you've said yourself dealing with your situation is enough right now, and the attention of the two guys, while great in one way, is only causing you anxiety.

Go with Skooter's text suggestion, or something along those lines, if neither lad takes you up on it, then in all likelihood nothing would have happened anyway, so best not to dwell.

Dealing with mental problems alone is incredibly difficult, throwing another person into that mix, with their own wants, and needs and demands, of course that's going to make anyone anxious.

Try not to worry too much about the "right" response, suit yourself , and when you feel comfortable enough to venture back into the dating world again do it on your terms, and in your own time.

And sod anyone who tells you differently

Pretty_Pistol

Like the other posters have said you need to focus on yourself right now. You said you don't feel anything for the guys so I would say text/email them saying that you are not in the right place to date or get involved with anyone right now and if you feel comfortable enough with it say that you have personal issues you are dealing with. You don't have to go into the details. If they are decent guys they should back off after this.

Liam Byrne

PIOP wrote: »

They're both nice guys, and they deserve someone nice who will like them back, and someone who isn't broken. In short, someone better than who I am right now. I don't want to crush them by just outright rejecting them for no apparent reason, but I don't want to be leading them on either.

The two bits in bold would be the bits that I'd focus on.

You sound like you're a decent person, and quite a number of girls would have no issues with leading them on.

You've also realised that this is something temporary - who you are "right now" might not be a catch, but fair play to you, you're getting there (and your post is sound, well-written, and a credit to you, despite everything you're going through).

So I'd say focus on yourself, but definitely explain to the guys simply that you've a lot going on now, as otherwise you'll start to fret about how you're treating them.

As stated above, they'll either accept it (which means they're decent too) or they won't (in which case they weren't worth knowing).....then there'll be no damage done, and who knows what might happen further down the line when you've recovered.

But focus on yourself for now.

And best of luck.

Victor

PIOP wrote: »

They're both nice guys, and they deserve someone nice who will like them back, and someone who isn't broken.

Sure, you might find a relationship complicated now, but if it was any other ailment or injury, would you be holding back?

Of course, being able to share your problems with someone might be useful also.

PIOP

Thanks for the replies. I have told them both that anything more than friendship isn't an option for me right now. I tried to be nice about it, and hopefully, they will understand (if not now, then later).

With medication changes, the various ups and downs, etc., it's just not the time to have someone else in my life. At the moment, I'm still working my way towards stable. Once I'm there, I'll start thinking about relationships again.

@Victor, that is a good point, but what I'm dealing with at the moment is a little different than a broken arm or the flu. While I'm not nearly as bad as some other people (thankfully), I'm still not right yet. A broken arm wouldn't cause me to ignore someone (everyone) for a week solid, or break down screaming and crying while driving my car like a maniac. And the flu wouldn't cause me to pick fights for the sake of an argument, or resort to physically lashing out at myself to avoid lashing out at others.

If it were another long term illness, I'd assess the risks and benefits, as I'm trying to do here. Would I start dating someone if I was ill with the flu? Maybe. Would I start dating someone if I had cancer? Probably not.

It would be nice to have someone to share problems with, but that is what I have some friends and my family for. I couldn't burden someone new with all that - imagine going on a few dates with someone and then having them crying over the phone because all the traffic lights are red, or because a cinema time has been reschedule? Too much, and not how I want to be.

If someone is going to be with me, they will eventually have to understand what I'm like. Hopefully, in time, the moods will be more under my control, and it will just be a minor thing to note. Right now, those moods still sometimes control me. And for me, it's just not good enough to drag someone along for that ride.

kerash

PIOP wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I have told them both that anything more than friendship isn't an option for me right now. I tried to be nice about it, and hopefully, they will understand (if not now, then later).

With medication changes, the various ups and downs, etc., it's just not the time to have someone else in my life. At the moment, I'm still working my way towards stable. Once I'm there, I'll start thinking about relationships again.

@Victor, that is a good point, but what I'm dealing with at the moment is a little different than a broken arm or the flu. While I'm not nearly as bad as some other people (thankfully), I'm still not right yet. A broken arm wouldn't cause me to ignore someone (everyone) for a week solid, or break down screaming and crying while driving my car like a maniac. And the flu wouldn't cause me to pick fights for the sake of an argument, or resort to physically lashing out at myself to avoid lashing out at others.

If it were another long term illness, I'd assess the risks and benefits, as I'm trying to do here. Would I start dating someone if I was ill with the flu? Maybe. Would I start dating someone if I had cancer? Probably not.

It would be nice to have someone to share problems with, but that is what I have some friends and my family for. I couldn't burden someone new with all that - imagine going on a few dates with someone and then having them crying over the phone because all the traffic lights are red, or because a cinema time has been reschedule? Too much, and not how I want to be.

If someone is going to be with me, they will eventually have to understand what I'm like. Hopefully, in time, the moods will be more under my control, and it will just be a minor thing to note. Right now, those moods still sometimes control me. And for me, it's just not good enough to drag someone along for that ride.

On the flip side the person you chose might be only too happy to be there for you during the good and bad times
I hope you continue to get well and take your time, you know best what you need.