Mens reaction to girls crying

locombia

Do all men have some kind of adverse reaction when they see their girlfriend crying??The last two boyfriends I've have don't seem to be able to cope at all when they say me crying. Now, don't get me wrong I don't cry at every opportunity I get but I can't help crying when im upset. When I do start crying all I want for my partner is to give me a hug or lend some a shoulder to cry on...But no...my current and my ex have seemed to think that it's their fault that i start to cry and both just have told me to stop it cause its making them feel bad. Some times it got to the stage that they got angry because of it.

Are most men like this or am I just choosing really insensitive guys????

Gyalist

locombia wrote: »

Do all men have some kind of adverse reaction when they see their girlfriend crying??The last two boyfriends I've have don't seem to be able to cope at all when they say me crying. Now, don't get me wrong I don't cry at every opportunity I get but I can't help crying when im upset. When I do start crying all I want for my partner is to give me a hug or lend some a shoulder to cry on...But no...my current and my ex have seemed to think that it's their fault that i start to cry and both just have told me to stop it cause its making them feel bad. Some times it got to the stage that they got angry because of it.

Are most men like this or am I just choosing really insensitive guys????

It's a instinctive response in most men to protect a woman who is crying. However as your boyfriend sees no imminent threat to your safety he automatically assumes that it must have been something that he did. I don't think that it's a case of him being insensitive but rather that he isn't sure how to respond.

I can't speak for all men but my response would be to help you to feel good about feeling bad.

ChocolateRamses

Depends on what you consider "reasonable" in terms of how much you cry.

Many guys are uncomfortable when women start crying, and many women know this and use it against guys, consequently many guys have zero tolerance for women who start gushing at the merest suggestion.

Personally I think women generally over-react and start bawling with no real reason, accordingly I don't have the longest fuse when it comes to mewling women.

Your bfs are probably the same, and in all honesty do you need to start bawling every time you have a rough exchange?

Claire121

locombia wrote: »

Do all men have some kind of adverse reaction when they see their girlfriend crying??The last two boyfriends I've have don't seem to be able to cope at all when they say me crying. Now, don't get me wrong I don't cry at every opportunity I get but I can't help crying when im upset. When I do start crying all I want for my partner is to give me a hug or lend some a shoulder to cry on...But no...my current and my ex have seemed to think that it's their fault that i start to cry and both just have told me to stop it cause its making them feel bad. Some times it got to the stage that they got angry because of it.

Are most men like this or am I just choosing really insensitive guys????

I've only had two boyfriends, but the first one had a really weird reaction to my crying. I'm not a crybaby, I only cry when really hurt or in bad pain. That guy would make me cry in a fight and then roll his eyes, it was like he just couldn't care less, as if I was crying to gain sympathy or something. He was just cold to me in general, ended up cheating on me and making me feel like it was my fault :rolleyes: Weird guy. My current boyfriend says it breaks his heart when I cry. He gets tears in his eyes as well most times. I'd say that was a far more 'normal' reaction. It makes me sad when I see strangers crying - how can anyone not care if it's their OH?

seamus

Most men are like this.

To men, crying is an extreme emotional response to extreme circumstances, such as death or serious illness. And in such cases, most men are uncomfortable giving comfort because we don't really know what to do or to say. Men are most comfortable when we can fix a problem. When there's a problem that inherently unfixable, we don't know what to do with it.

So when a woman cries, it's seen in this light - she's in extreme emotional distress and there's nothing that can be done about it. He will try to fix it - "why are you crying?", "I'm sorry, just please stop crying".

It's not about sensitivity it's about the fact that men generally don't cry when they're just normally upset so the concept is foreign to them.

Peggypeg

Whenever I cry, not often, my boyfriend holds me and comforts me until I stop. I just think alot of guys don't know what to do. Maybe explain to him how you would like him to respond. Like say to him "When I'm upset you getting angry is making me cry more, if you hold me and tell me everythings going to be ok I'll stop crying much faster", or whatever works for you, I know having my gorgeous boyfriend's big strong arms around me always makes me feel safe and loved and it's easy to stop crying when you feel like that.

Darthhoob

i agree with seamus.

men and women are wired differently...generally speaking women are more emotionally/empathy driven (right side of the brain)..men are more strategy/systematic driven (left side of the brain).

it's not that these guys are uncaring necessarily, just that they dont understand it. when i cry, my OH doesn't often know what to do...he always feels it's something he has done when sometimes...it can just be an emotion i'm having or a memory. if he knows what is is about i find he is much more likely to hug me (which actually makes me cry more LOL). if he doesn't know he tends to leave me to it...then ask me what was up when i've calmed down (personally i prefer this...i get over it quicker). i certainly wouldn;t call him uncaring...even though occassionaly he gets the arse cos he thinks i'm upset with him lol.

i have to say i am also awkward around other crying people. i'm not a huggy person and although i am an emotional person..i can't say i'm very empathic

GigaByte

seamus wrote: »

Most men are like this.

To men, crying is an extreme emotional response to extreme circumstances, such as death or serious illness. And in such cases, most men are uncomfortable giving comfort because we don't really know what to do or to say. Men are most comfortable when we can fix a problem. When there's a problem that inherently unfixable, we don't know what to do with it.

So when a woman cries, it's seen in this light - she's in extreme emotional distress and there's nothing that can be done about it. He will try to fix it - "why are you crying?", "I'm sorry, just please stop crying".

It's not about sensitivity it's about the fact that men generally don't cry when they're just normally upset so the concept is foreign to them.

If you're like homer simpson the above would be ture, if you don't know how to comfort your partner when she's crying or distressed you either don't give a crap or you're under 20 years old.


To the OP it would be helpful to know what you're crying about in front of your boyfriends, is it a death or the end of an episode of Fair City? because there's a big difference.

SheRa

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

Depends on what you consider "reasonable" in terms of how much you cry.

Many guys are uncomfortable when women start crying, and many women know this and use it against guys, consequently many guys have zero tolerance for women who start gushing at the merest suggestion.

Personally I think women generally over-react and start bawling with no real reason, accordingly I don't have the longest fuse when it comes to mewling women.

Your bfs are probably the same, and in all honesty do you need to start bawling every time you have a rough exchange?

I find it very interesting that many men seem to think that women cry to manipulate them. Ok sure there must be women out there that do it, but Ive never even realised that men think like this until the last few months.

I have often cried during an argument. I dont mean to but if words have really hurt me the tears start. Ive often wished that they wouldn't but they do and Ive never used my tears to try and use this against a guy, in fact I think that its pretty disgusting and cold hearted that so many men appear to assume the worst when tears come. How about giving your girlfriends a little credit that she isn't a manipulative little madam? I dont expect to "win" an argument by crying, in fact I dont expect it to have any bearing on the argument at all, I just cant help it.

Sorry, prob a bit OTT there, but Im just amazed at this kind of attitude.

Ever2010

I think it completely depends on the people invovled... my boyfriend comforts me, then tries to make me laugh!

I'm not a big crier though, but I think any of my previous boyfriends would've comforted me.

Do you let them know why you're upset - or try to brush it off with "it's nothing". I could see why that would make someone angry.

Victor

Short version: men and women are different.

Long version: I've had similar discussions about crying with a few women. I went to see Gladiator with a female friend. I was utterly surprised that she was crying at the end and she thought it was sad. I thought it was happy because he was reunited with his family. I couldn't understand her reasoning or indeed her reason for crying.

Flip side. I went to see

My Girl - yeah, I know

with another girl. I found the bit where he died immensely sad and as we were walking for the bus I broke down crying - my grandmother had died a few weeks previously and the film made me feel emotional.

The third was a chat about the above two and how different and seemingly hypocritical they were. However, in fairness to me one dealt with a film character, the other dealt with real life. She would willingly watch a sad movie to get he emotional roller coaster, whereas I suppose I and other men might see the same film as ordinary (typical rom-com relationship breakdown) or a learning experience (Schindler's List).

Then there is the women who use the same scream for danger and excitement. This is also very confusing. When a guy hears "Arrrggghh" they presume someone is in danger and instinct kicks in and they respond the same as if there was an attack by a sabre-toothed tiger. However, when jumping into the sea, instead of shouting "Yaaaay" for excitement, some women use "Arrrggghh", which creates an odd response in men.

ChocolateRamses

SheRa wrote: »

I find it very interesting that many men seem to think that women cry to manipulate them. Ok sure there must be women out there that do it, but Ive never even realised that men think like this until the last few months.

I have often cried during an argument. I dont mean to but if words have really hurt me the tears start. Ive often wished that they wouldn't but they do and Ive never used my tears to try and use this against a guy, in fact I think that its pretty disgusting and cold hearted that so many men appear to assume the worst when tears come. How about giving your girlfriends a little credit that she isn't a manipulative little madam? I dont expect to "win" an argument by crying, in fact I dont expect it to have any bearing on the argument at all, I just cant help it.

Sorry, prob a bit OTT there, but Im just amazed at this kind of attitude.

The balanced view a lot of posters have supported, (i.e. men and women are different), is obviously the best way to look at this.

Personally I don't mind a woman crying because she's upset, but I've encountered women who would absolutely turn on the waterworks because they knew it would make things difficult for me, (very hard not to seem like the bad guy when someone is bawling their eyes out in front of you).

That said, plenty of guys do analagous things, at the end of the day we're all as bad as each other

Hrududu

To be honest you'd probably have to give examples at what you were crying at when you got those responses.

seamus

GigaByte wrote: »

If you're like homer simpson the above would be ture, if you don't know how to comfort your partner when she's crying or distressed you either don't give a crap or you're under 20 years old.

Depends on the context though. If she came home from work and started bawling, that's an easy one.

However, if we're in the middle of an argument and the tears start flowing, there are two things that I'm going to think:

1. We're in the middle of an argument, so there's no way in hell I can hug her to comfort her
2. I don't understand what I've done to cause this immense emotional anguish, on a par with death, which is causing my partner to cry.

Crying the middle of an argument doesn't immediately make us want to comfort our partners because we think we're the ones who have caused her to hurt, and you don't hug someone right after they stab you.

extra-ordinary_

seamus wrote: »

Crying in the middle of an argument doesn't immediately make us want to comfort our partners because we think we're the ones who have caused her to hurt, and you don't hug someone right after they're stabbed by you.

FYP

On a bad day I'll take her crying as not a valid argument!

On a good day, I'll realise what an asshole I am and what a sweetie she is!:)

trowelled

Some people just get really uncomfortable when someone cries around them. In do not think it is necessarily a male thing. I have a fermale friend who has told me that she hates it if anyone cries around her as it makes her feel very uncomfortable. She feels sort of awkward like she's not sure what to say to the person to stop them crying. She has also said that when people cry around her, whether it be a man or woman, it makes her feel bad.

I don't think that these guys are insensitive. It's probably just that they don't know how to react to the situation. It might not necessarily mean that they don't care it could just be their way of handling what they perceive to be an awkward situation.

gavney1

Really depends on what you're crying about tbh

If my gf (if I had one) was crying about seeing a kitten getting squashed on the road, I'd want to comfort her and hug her.

However, if she was crying cause we were fighting, then I wouldn't really know what to do. I would be wary of two things 1. is she just crying to get her way? or 2. am I going to make things worse by trying to comfort her.
I may be very unfair in my thinking on this second instance, but it is what would be going through my head anyway

PK2008

If its something serious then its ok- like a death in the family or whatever.

If its out of frustration in a argument then I wouldnt react (but inside I'd be thinking; 'Child')

LegacyUser

I am very quick to break down in floods.. I have absolutely no control over my tears and by God do I wish I had. My closest friends used to accuse me of crying for attention, but that couldn't be further from the truth and I honestly hate the attention that crying brings.. If I argue with my boyfriend then yup.... You could set your clock by my tear ducts leaking all over the place.. I don't do this to gain the upper hand or win the arguement, they're bourne out of frustration/anger/sadness or whatever emotion the arguement brings and if I knew of a way to stop this happening then I would embrace it! In fact I'd be so happy I'd probably... well CRY!! He HATES this about me, he'll hug me and do what he thinks is right/or will shut me up but it's a side to me he is completely and utterly uncomfortable with, even after four years. If we have an tiff in the morning and go off to work, it's not uncommon to find me at some point weeping in the loo!! This is the way I am, and try as I might I really can't change that. My boyfriend hates it, my ex was fine with it! Everyone has different reactions to different emotions and situations and to me.. Well thats life!

Claire121

SheRa wrote: »

I find it very interesting that many men seem to think that women cry to manipulate them. Ok sure there must be women out there that do it, but Ive never even realised that men think like this until the last few months.

I have often cried during an argument. I dont mean to but if words have really hurt me the tears start. Ive often wished that they wouldn't but they do and Ive never used my tears to try and use this against a guy, in fact I think that its pretty disgusting and cold hearted that so many men appear to assume the worst when tears come. How about giving your girlfriends a little credit that she isn't a manipulative little madam? I dont expect to "win" an argument by crying, in fact I dont expect it to have any bearing on the argument at all, I just cant help it.

Sorry, prob a bit OTT there, but Im just amazed at this kind of attitude.

I agree. Do men not realise it's actually quite difficult for most people to cry on demand? Some people take acting courses for years and never manage it.