Family hate my boyf.... any advice pls

Single1

Hi,
I’ll give a bit of background before I get into my problem.
I’ve been with a guy for just over a year now. I’m 26 and he is 24. We clicked right away and everything was going great. 9 months in we got some terrible news (I won’t go into it) and he lost his job at the same time and he got really stressed and we ended up splitting up. We had been living together so I moved out. We were back together 2 weeks later. Did not move back in together and decided to take things slow. He was still very down about losing his job and the other bad news and he could not find work anywhere so it lasted 2 months and he broke it off again. Again we both cried, He said he still loved me but that he felt that he could not give me what I deserved. We stayed in contact and on New years eve we decided to give it another go taking things at snail pace. He had also been taking steps to deal with depression while we were apart and is making progress. He wants to avoid anitdepressants if possible. He has been job hunting everyday and is really trying to turn things around. He went a bit off the rails when we broke up the second time and was drinking a lot for a few weeks but that has stopped and he is really trying.

My problem is that my parents, who are truly great people, hate him. They never really liked him to begin with because of the way he dresses and his general appearance . They had no other reason not to like him. Well now they absolutely hate him because he broke up with me and I was so upset. I don’t blame them for this and I understand that they do not want anything to do with him. They do tend to judge people on appearance and I’m not like that at all, I prefer to get to know someone. They have an idea in their heads of the type of person I should be with, but my vision is totally different to theirs. Now they have said that if I choose to see him they will have nothing more to do with either of us ever again. I love my parents so much but I’m 26 and I do value their advice but I do not think it should be forced upon me. I do not want to choose between my family and my partner and I have told them this but they say I have to. I feel like I’m being controlled. Am I selfish? Maybe I am and maybe I am making a mistake with him. Is it not mine to make?? Anyone have any words of wisdom to shed on this.

Thanks

LegacyUser

Hey,

Sorry you're having such a hard time of it.

To be honest its your family that's making the decision not you, and it's really unfair and selfish.

Ask yourself this, if you really love this guy and genuinely believe you are good for each other are you willing to throw this away because your family don't like how he dresses.

You say they are absolutely great people and I believe you, but remember great people does not equal perfect people and they are just of capable of being wrong as anyone else.

They are being extremely manipulative and shallow to say the least. It sounds to me like they haven't given this poor guy an inch. Unless he's genuinely done wrong on you or is bad news they are being horrible by saying its him or us, how dare they.

Id tell them they have to take the time to get to know him and that if they choose to ostracise their daughter bcoz of how her bf dresses, then let it be on their heads.

You've nothing to feel guilty about.

seamus

"It's him or it's us" seems a bit extreme for people who don't really have to interact with him on a day-to-day basis. Are you still living at home?

Is there more to this that you haven't mentioned? Was the break-up particularly bad, did he say or do something particularly bad during the break-up?

You've only been going out with the guy a year, it's likely that they consider him a complete waster and in their own heads they had you preparing for marriage by this age.

Just give it time. If it works out and he makes you happy, they'll see that and realise he's the right guy for you. If it doesn't work out, they'll be there to support you.

Wagon

Single1 wrote: »

My problem is that my parents, who are truly great people, hate him. They never really liked him to begin with because of the way he dresses and his general appearance . They had no other reason not to like him.

Don't exactly sound like truly great people.

Now they have said that if I choose to see him they will have nothing more to do with either of us ever again. I love my parents so much but I’m 26 and I do value their advice but I do not think it should be forced upon me. I do not want to choose between my family and my partner and I have told them this but they say I have to. I feel like I’m being controlled. Am I selfish? Maybe I am and maybe I am making a mistake with him. Is it not mine to make?? Anyone have any words of wisdom to shed on this.

Tell them to cop on and acknowledge the fact that you're 26 and not 6, that its your decision and is absolutely none of their business. Then move out and give it some time. I'm sorry, but attitudes like that in parents make me sick. You should never have to stand for it. I'll tell you something else as well, if you listen to them now where do you think it'll end? Maybe you'll come home from work one day and see the "ideal man" waiting for you in the kitchen? I know it sounds far fetched but these things happen. Some parents will try and excercise complete control over their sons/daughters lives.

foxyboxer

He's going out with you.....not your parents.

Single1

Hi

Thanks very much for the replies. I really appreciate the time you all have taken.
I moved out of home 5 years ago but I still live close by them. I have a full time job for the past 6 years and I am financially independent. The break up was bad for both of us but neither said or did anything bad. The timing was the worst part but it was a bad time for both of us. There was never cheating involved or anything like that. They hate him because he hurt me and I understand that but they never really gave him a chance.

Thanks again everyone

Moomoo1

I think the problem is that you broke up twice in the space of 5 months, and have only just got back together. No matter how bad things were for him, reacting by breaking up with the person you supposedly want to be with is not normal, and people would view that with suspicion and suspect that he's leading you on.

I think that if things smooth out and this cycle of breaking up and getting back together stops, they'll relent.

Peggypeg

Single1 wrote: »

Hi,
I’ll give a bit of background before I get into my problem.
I’ve been with a guy for just over a year now. I’m 26 and he is 24. We clicked right away and everything was going great. 9 months in we got some terrible news (I won’t go into it) and he lost his job at the same time and he got really stressed and we ended up splitting up. We had been living together so I moved out. We were back together 2 weeks later. Did not move back in together and decided to take things slow. He was still very down about losing his job and the other bad news and he could not find work anywhere so it lasted 2 months and he broke it off again. Again we both cried, He said he still loved me but that he felt that he could not give me what I deserved. We stayed in contact and on New years eve we decided to give it another go taking things at snail pace. He had also been taking steps to deal with depression while we were apart and is making progress. He wants to avoid anitdepressants if possible. He has been job hunting everyday and is really trying to turn things around. He went a bit off the rails when we broke up the second time and was drinking a lot for a few weeks but that has stopped and he is really trying.

My problem is that my parents, who are truly great people, hate him. They never really liked him to begin with because of the way he dresses and his general appearance . They had no other reason not to like him. Well now they absolutely hate him because he broke up with me and I was so upset. I don’t blame them for this and I understand that they do not want anything to do with him. They do tend to judge people on appearance and I’m not like that at all, I prefer to get to know someone. They have an idea in their heads of the type of person I should be with, but my vision is totally different to theirs. Now they have said that if I choose to see him they will have nothing more to do with either of us ever again. I love my parents so much but I’m 26 and I do value their advice but I do not think it should be forced upon me. I do not want to choose between my family and my partner and I have told them this but they say I have to. I feel like I’m being controlled. Am I selfish? Maybe I am and maybe I am making a mistake with him. Is it not mine to make?? Anyone have any words of wisdom to shed on this.

Thanks

Wow, I heard the exact same story from a friend of mine. Her parents HATED her boyfriend and told her as much. He wasn't a bad guy at all just a bit too old in their opinion. They were really snobs if the truth be told. They were forever trying to set her up with solicitors and basically ****ty snobby boring people that just happened to have good jobs. As far as I could see they were more concerned with keeping up appearances than they were with her happiness. So anyway, what happened was that they told her, "it's him or us", she moved out and they stopped talking to her. It's really sad but they haven't spoken to her since and her brother stopped talking to her too. That was a couple years ago and it's still the same. But she's with the guy she loves and they are very happy together, and she told me she never regretted her decision. Seriously it's like something you'd hear from a hardcore muslim family. In this day and age and in this culture your family do NOT get a say in who you see, especially for spurious snobby reasons. I could understand it if you said your boyfriend beat you or was a junkie or something but not liking him for how he looks is just wrong. This one sweetie is up to you but personally I would never bow to pressure from my family over something like this, it's the most important decision, no one else can make that decision for you properly, only you know who you love and who you want to be with. Big hugs sweetie, you're in a ****ty situation, try not to let yourself be bullied.

The very best of luck to you and also your bf.

Single1

Hi all,

Totally forgot to include this in my original post, as it happened a few months back, but he did get caught for drink driving while we were broken up. It was his first time driving while under the influence and he got caught which serves him right. He totally regrets doing it as he hates it also but nevertheless he was stupid enough to do it. - Dunno how I failed to mention it first time.

I just want an honest opinion, is this reason enough for them to make me choose? I know it was stupid but does it make him a horrible unworthy person? He has not been in any trouble since and was never in trouble with the guards before this.
Sorry to go on but I’m sooooo confused



Thanks again

Moomoo1

Single1 wrote: »

I just want an honest opinion, is this reason enough for them to make me choose?

no it's not. And I don't think that's the reason, the reason is they think he's stringing you along. But this is your decision, and they should respect it.

The Nice Jumper

It's probably not worth the hassle for you, and it sounds to me like you're not really that into him....sounds more like you're with him out of desperation. My call would be to break up with him and seek pastures new.

cafecolour

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think the problem is that you broke up twice in the space of 5 months, and have only just got back together.

I second this. OP did your parents always object to him? Or have gone to them complaining about him and the hurt he's caused you both times you've broken up with him?

jenga-jen

OP I'm just going to throw my 2cents in here because I was in a similar situation in that my parents hated my ex boyfriend but with the difference that they never told me until after we broke up.

Given what they said to me after (my ex had a problem with drink) I would just say to you to ask yourself honestly whether you do really love him or whether you're trying to 'save' him with all his problems?

My parents never told me because they were worried that if they did it would force an 'us vs. them' scenario and drive me to side with him.

If it really is that they're judging him on his appearance then tbh tell them where to go, try not to let them cut you out and continue to live your life.

However, if things were fine up until he broke up with you and caused you all this hurt then maybe they need to see that he's making amends. Don't forget, you'll always be their little girl (a pain, I know :rolleyes:) and they're going to try to keep you from as much hurt as they can. It's likely they see this guy's serial breakups as a warning sign and are trying to protect you.

Single1

cafecolour wrote: »

I second this. OP did your parents always object to him? Or have gone to them complaining about him and the hurt he's caused you both times you've broken up with him?

From the minute they saw him they didn't like him. They knew nothing about him because he had just moved here and his home is 2 hours away. Thats why I put it down to them not liking his appearance. No matter how good a judge of character you are, its impossible to give someone a fair chance that way. My friends all like him and the rest of my family liked him too. I get on great with his family, they are really nice people. My parents even judged his family also which really annoyed me as they are really lovely people. They did this in a joking way but it's difficult to tell if they ment it or not.

I was very hurt the first time we broke up and they were there for me. The second time I did not go to them I really just kept it between my friends and myself. I've never been so upset in all my life.
If I wasn't that into him then I wouldn't be putting myself through this. Trust me I'm not someone who enjoys making life difficult. I'd rather be happy which is why I'm back with him.

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to post. I really appreciate the advice and comments.