Don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Me and my bf have been going out almost a year and a half now. We're both 19.

Everything was great, but he started to get very clingy, and really jealous (even if I mention an actor is goodlooking). He sulks with me if I criticise anything he does, or if I'm not lovey enough. He texts me all through the day, everyday, and frankly, there isnt that much in the world to talk about, so it ends up with him constantly saying "I love you", "You're great" etc etc. So basically, anything at all like that has pretty much lost its meaning. He also acts as if we're dependent on each other, as if I can't do anything for myself (he finds it extremely hard to let me walk to the shop by myself). I was always pretty independent, and it's almost embarassing that I'm treated like this around people.

He never hangs out with his friends anymore, no matter how much I try convince him to. I think it would be good for him to get out with friends, but he has this "oh they dont want to hang out with me because im a loser" attitude. He always promises he'll make an effort with them, and he never does. he has pretty much just become friends with my friends.

I don't think i can put up with such neediness and clinginess for much longer. He's only my second bf, and the first serious one. I just feel smothered by it all.
the thing is...I just don't know how or when to end it... He's a person who feels sorry for himself at any oppurtunity, he's very sensitive, very pessimistic, and to be honest, I feel really bad for wanting to break up with him, he loves me, is almost obsessed with me. And I really did love him, I still do, but everything is just becoming too much. I just know that he would freak out about it. I'm scared that he'd blame himself.

I know he's had a few relationships before, but refers to them all as 'pointless' and from what I make out, has been the one to be dumped most of the time anyway. We've never spoken about exes, as he finds it's pointless.

I myself, have moved on from the whole part of the relationship where you cant get enouh of eachother, I've become more laid back about it, as is normal, but he is still in that phase where he can't get enough of me.

I know I have to do something, it isnt fair on either of us, the longer I drag this out. But something in me is hoping that he'll grow up a bit and give me a bit of space. But what if that never happens? I really want this to be as painless as possible, but knowing him, he'll really blow it out of proportion and I'm scared that I'll end up feeling guilty for doing it.

Also, seen as were in some of the same lectures, I really really would rather that nothing be awkward in them (they're really small lectures). I'd rather be able to break up with him, and have a time where we don't have to see each other for quite a while.

Gyalist

Doing the right thing isn't always easy but you tend to feel better after because you know you did what was right.

I can understand why his behaviour has gotten to you. You have to end it as it isn't going to get better. Tell him exactly why you are breaking up with him (be tactful though) so that at least he can take it on board and possibly try to amend his behaviour in the future. Do not hold out any hope of being friends or future reconciliation to him.

I know that you've said that he's sensitive, etc, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. The temptation may be to wait for the summer to do it because you wouldn't have to face him in lectures, but that's not a good idea. You've got to do it right away, for your own sake.

Moomoo1

I think the problem is that you want a different kind of relationship from him. He wants the sort where you go around all day holding hands (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with those, despite what many people have you believe, as long as both people do actually want that), and you want the sort where you go off and do your own things and then meet up on some nights of the week and have a good time.

Because of that, he constantly feels pushed away, and nothing makes you insecure like feeling pushed away. It's not about 'growing up', there are plenty of couples of all ages who are in each others' pockets all the time...

LegacyUser

It's just that I don't always want to be kissing in front of friends and stuff as he wants, I just dont feel comfortable doing it, because I dont want other people to be uncomfortable. And I told him this. He said he was okay with that and that he understands. But then gets pissed off at me if I don't want to be all cuddly and lovey in front of other people. I just wish he'd tell me what he actually feels, rather than saying it's cool with him, and then getting into a sulk over it.
There's just a complete lack of communication from him. If he's moody I ask what's wrong, and he says "nothing", and then continues to be pissed off at me. And it makes me feel like crap becuse I dont know what I've done wrong, and it usually ends up to be that I'm talking too much to my friends and not paying enough attention to him. The thing is, he's friends with my friends, so its not like he's an outsider. Our relationship caused friend problems for me in the past because I basically, and stupidly, chose him over them. So now, I want to try spend time with them, and still barely get the chance, because I'm scared he'll get moody with me if I choose them over him.
Like, I understand some people want to be lovey dovey, but sometimes it's just a bit much, when other people are there. I just think it's a bit rude.
He was pissed off at me today, and I really dont know why, I didnt do anything wrong. And I feel guilty over nothing, I'm constantly worrying and thinking "what did i do to upset him". and frankly, I did nothign wrong. If I'm making him insecure by not wanting to be wrapped in eachothers arms 24/7, then he needs to sort out those insecurities.

unattendedbag

The first word I thought of when I read your post was "IMMATURITY"

Ive come across a few guys exactly like you have described thoughout the 5 years I was in college. Always clingy with their girlfriends, never seen without them, not afraid to tell everyone what they do sexually, constantly lives in her pocket including staying over in her house every minute of every day if possible. Majority have just moved away from home for the first time and think "wow great im now allowed to have a girlfriend."

There's no doubt your boyfriend loves you and cherishes you and would probably do just about anything for you. What he really needs is a good kick up the backside and a reality check from you. You dont necessarily have to dump him, although at times im sure you really feel like you want to. Try to cut the clinginess out, including public displays of affection, dont let him stay over in your place too often, make him go and spend time with his own friends. You could even make up some excuse about needing time to study to get some time away from the smothering. You basically need him to change his ways a bit and bring some maturity into his side of the relationship. Be cruel to be kind, if he's being childish by sulking and acting insecure then distance yourself from him for 24 hours or something like that. If he doesnt end up changing his ways and you've given him enough chances then i guess you know where you stand.

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think the problem is that you want a different kind of relationship from him. He wants the sort where you go around all day holding hands (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with those, despite what many people have you believe, as long as both people do actually want that), and you want the sort where you go off and do your own things and then meet up on some nights of the week and have a good time.

Because of that, he constantly feels pushed away, and nothing makes you insecure like feeling pushed away. It's not about 'growing up', there are plenty of couples of all ages who are in each others' pockets all the time...

Sorry but I have to comment on this. Thats a very unfair post. You are implying here that because she doesn't want to be wrapped around him every minute of every day, she only wants a casual relationship with him. Thats complete bull.

I'm with my partner 4 and a half years, we live together and we are affectionate (when appropriate, ie not in front of all our friends) while also getting to do our own thing. We have both separate and mutual friends and we enjoy our time together and out time with our own friends because we are 100% secure in our realtionship and we both realise that other relationships don't cease because you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Anyonw who thinks so is in for a very big shock some day. Its not healthy to be entirely dependent on your boyfriend or girlfriend. This guy has dropped his mates and now only sees her friends. That not at all healthy and its something that needs to be addressed.

She isn't pushing him away. She's simply more relaxed in the relationship now and doesn't feel the need to spend every second with him at the expense of her other relationships. He chose to do that and his "I'm a loser" attitude shows that he does indeed have some serious insecurities. This is also evidenced in his behaviour towards his girlfriend. Sulking because she doesn't want to be all over him in the company of other people?? And you reckon it's nothing to do with 'growing up'? Give me a break!

OP, I think you're dead right here in that he needs to grow up. Have you sat him down and had a really frank discussion about this? He needs to understand that his behaviour needs to change in order for the relationship to survive. He sounds suffocating to be honest!

Moomoo1

confused123 wrote: »

There's just a complete lack of communication from him. If he's moody I ask what's wrong, and he says "nothing", and then continues to be pissed off at me. And it makes me feel like crap becuse I dont know what I've done wrong, and it usually ends up to be that I'm talking too much to my friends and not paying enough attention to him.

yeah, I react like this sometimes. In particular the 'nothing'. It's the 'well it's bloody obvious why I am upset, so obvious that I don't even need to tell you, you should realise yourself (especially as we've went through this a hundred times before)' kind of thing on my part.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

Sorry but I have to comment on this. Thats a very unfair post. You are implying here that because she doesn't want to be wrapped around him every minute of every day, she only wants a casual relationship with him. Thats complete bull.

I am not implying that at all, no... all I wanted to say that there is this idea that growing up equates putting more distance between you and your partner, and I don't think that's true.

Peggypeg

Jesus OP, I want to break up with him after reading your post. He sounds like a pathetic manipulator to me. Why in the name of god would you want to be with someone like that? How dare he try to control you by sulking when you don't behave as he wants. Look OP, you are going to break up with him, let's be honest, why would you not? You say he loves you but it doesn't look like that to me, it looks like he's obsessed with you and wants it to be you and him only. That is beyond unhealthy, you're only 19 FFS!!!! Seriously honey, it's admirable that you don't want to hurt him but you can't go sacrificing your happiness and youth for him. Dump him now, if it's uncomfortable, well that's pants, but to be honest with someone so pathetic, (I define pathetic as someone who has given up and is content to just feel sorry for themselves) there is no way that you can end it in mature and healthy manner. I would maybe write him a letter, telling him in great detail (include examples) exactly why you are breaking up with him. To be honest with you though it doesn't sound like he'll cop on for another few years but when he does decide to stop acting like a 5 year old he may take out your letter out and see what he needs to work on. Sweetie, you owe it to yourself to be happy and healthy, you do not owe him anything, stop letting him manipulate you like he is.

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I am not implying that at all, no... all I wanted to say that there is this idea that growing up equates putting more distance between you and your partner, and I don't think that's true.

Thats not it at all. He needs to grow up in terms of his insecurities. She needs to put distance between them at the moment because he is smothering her and acting like a child. Sulking and not communicating properly. Its not a casual relationship she wants, just a normal one. One where they are both secure in their relationship to the extent that every second doesn't have to be spent together. She has made it clear that she needs space and while he vocalises his acceptance, his actions contradict this massively.

Growing up is all about becoming more secure in yourself and this chap obviously isn't...so yes, he does need to grow up. He has dropped his friends due to insecurities and he needs to paw at his girlfriend in public and gets angry when she doesnt reciprocate despite her telling him she doesnt want to be rude to her friends. That is maddening and she has every right to feel frustrated. Its unfair to tell her she's pushing him away and making him insecure.

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks for the replies, and the understanding too!

I know that there's no way i can keep putting up with his behaviour, everytime he acts like that, I just get frustrated. I know that I'm putting it off, just in case he changes...but I gues he wont change unless he gets a wake up call.

I have tried talking to him, and he always agrees to change, and agrees with what I'm saying...but then he never follows through. I'm probably not firm enough with him, as I am pretty shy and quiet, and do find it hard to speak up and say my mind. However, I have asked him a few times through text also.

I've tried so many times to encourage him to hang out with his friends. And he says "yeah, youre right, i will". And then never does. And I feel terrible, because I think that his friends feel i've stolen him from them. I always so "Ok, for lunch I'll hang with my friends and you can go hang about with your friends", and nope, he never does, because he "feels bad for ditching me". Somehow he considers it ditching when I ask him to hang around with his friends. I also find it frustrating that, apart from introducing me (just about) to his friends, that's about it. He's good friends with my friends, and I've barely even seen his.

I just can't seem to get around to doing it...I feel so so bad if I ever say anything that hurts him (even if its a joke), I know that it would create a massive awkwardness in college. I know that shouldnt matter, but I think I would feel so guilty. Part of me is saying "Just do it now!!" and the other part is saying "Wait til April" because then I won't see him for at least a month...

Moomoo1

those friends of his that you talk about... are you sure he actually likes them? Are you sure that they are his friends and not just some people who know him? That might be an explanation of why he'd rather spend time with you than them!

write him a letter saying all that you've said here, and tell him that if he doesn't change before April, then you are breaking up with him.

Or better still, send him here, there are a few people on here who'll attempt to straighten him out.

LegacyUser

Yes, they're definitely his friends alright. Like he described some of them as his best friends and when they are (however rarely) together, they do get on very very well.

A letter is a good idea...and i guess if things are still the same after that, then there's no point in pusruing it

sam34

OP- i have been in a very similar relationship.

my advice is to get out, and get out now, because continuing in this would be very destructive for yourself.

look how well this guy has manipulated you - you are almost afraid to udmp him because hes so obsessed with you, youre terrified of how he'll react.

my suspicion is that he'll react with suicide threats - thats whay my guy did. i was getting texts and calls saying he'd be found hanging if i didnt take him back.

(i didnt take him back, btw, i told him that i couldnt control hsi actions and that if he chose to commit suicide then that was his own decision. surprise, surprise, he is still alive today, and tteh suicide thing was just an empty threat.)

i got all the over the top continuous compliments too, as you say they ring hollow when you hear them so often.

the jealousy and possessiveness - check

despite what he may say, this guy cares only for himself.

for your own sake, get out asap.

Mr Benevolent

I was that guy. Got dumped because of it, learned a few lessons and now have a great relationship with a fantastic woman. Yeah I was devastated (I didn't see it coming and she never told me what I did wrong) but I figured it out eventually.

Dump him and explain why you dumped him. A warning though, he'll take any indication of affection from you after the breakup as a sign that you want to get back together.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

Thats not it at all. He needs to grow up in terms of his insecurities. She needs to put distance between them at the moment because he is smothering her and acting like a child. Sulking and not communicating properly. Its not a casual relationship she wants, just a normal one. One where they are both secure in their relationship to the extent that every second doesn't have to be spent together. She has made it clear that she needs space and while he vocalises his acceptance, his actions contradict this massively.

Growing up is all about becoming more secure in yourself and this chap obviously isn't...so yes, he does need to grow up. He has dropped his friends due to insecurities and he needs to paw at his girlfriend in public and gets angry when she doesnt reciprocate despite her telling him she doesnt want to be rude to her friends. That is maddening and she has every right to feel frustrated. Its unfair to tell her she's pushing him away and making him insecure.

But what constitutes smothering to one person, consitutes a normal and healthy relationship to another. Vice versa, what constitutes remote, distant relationship to one person constitutes a normal and healthy relationship to another. In this case, there is a problem, because he wants a very close relationship, and she doesn't. But that doesn't mean that one person is normal and another is abnormal, or that one person is mature and the other is not... it's just that they expect different things from the relationship. Clearly, that's a problem, and needs to be addressed in some way.

Just to contrast, when I go somewhere by myself, the first question I am asked is 'so where is your wife', ie people EXPECT us to go everywhere together. That to me is normal. Regularly going off and doing our own things in the evenings (ie hanging out separately with friends) which is what the OP suggested doing is to me not normal, and I would, like her OH, object to that.

It's all about personal preference really... there's no normal and abnormal here

EDIT: in the light of that, OP, maybe you _should_ finish with him, since he deserves a person who would love his over-the-top compliments and displays of love rather than cringe at them, would love the idea of doing everything together and spending every minute together... because I am sure there are people out there who would...

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

But what constitutes smothering to one person, consitutes a normal and healthy relationship to another. Vice versa, what constitutes remote, distant relationship to one person constitutes a normal and healthy relationship to another. In this case, there is a problem, because he wants a very close relationship, and she doesn't. But that doesn't mean that one person is normal and another is abnormal, or that one person is mature and the other is not... it's just that they expect different things from the relationship. Clearly, that's a problem, and needs to be addressed in some way.

We'll have to agree to disagree. Tbh you'll be hard pushed to find many people who think that spending every available second with the other half and no-one else is "healthy and normal". Having a night out with friends without your partner does not mean you don't want a close relationship. Thats a pretty insulting view to be quite honest.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Just to contrast, when I go somewhere by myself, the first question I am asked is 'so where is your wife', ie people EXPECT us to go everywhere together. That to me is normal. Regularly going off and doing our own things in the evenings (ie hanging out separately with friends) which is what the OP suggested doing is to me not normal, and I would, like her OH, object to that.

You would object to your wife going out with her friends without you? Sorry mate, thats so not healthy or normal. What do you constitute as regularly? Once a week? Once a month? Once a week at least is perfectly healthy and anyone who objects to that has serious issues in my opinion.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

EDIT: in the light of that, OP, maybe you _should_ finish with him, since he deserves a person who would love his over-the-top compliments and displays of love rather than cringe at them, would love the idea of doing everything together and spending every minute together... because I am sure there are people out there who would...

Yup, you're right. He could very well find someone as insecure as he is.

OP, I'd listen to sam34 and Confab if I were you. Hope it works out ok in the end.

LegacyUser

I don't know if you're missing the point or what...the problem is that he agrees to what I'm saying, he agrees that we should hang out with our own friends sometimes, he agrees that we shouldnt spend EVERY minute together. Yet then when it comes to it, he doesnt follow through.
Personally I think it's not healthy to spend every minute of your day with your other half. It's completely normal to have even one night a week to yourself or with your friends. Is that really too much to ask? Just because we dont spend all our time together, do I deserve to end up feeling guilty for having some time without him? I'm 19 years old, WHY should i have to give up my friends for him?? Why should he have to give up his frinds for me...it's not normal or healthy for someone to ditch all their friends to be with one person.
And tbh, I think the whole scoring and cuddling in front of friends is yeah sure, affectionate, but it is also rude!!

And I wish you'd stop trying to guilt me into thinking that he doesnt deserve me, and that this is all my fault. seriously, you're acting like i've no respect for him, it's not my fault he has insecurities, it't not my fault they didnt surface until a few months into the relationship. I already know I should break up with him, and I'm trying to do it in a way that's least hurtful for both of us.

Gyalist

I told you in my earlier post why you have to end this relationship. It is not going to get better and this guy will become an enormous emotional drain on you.

His problems are not yours to fix. There is no least hurtful way of breaking up. Just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Moomoo1

confused123 wrote: »

I don't know if you're missing the point or what...the problem is that he agrees to what I'm saying, he agrees that we should hang out with our own friends sometimes, he agrees that we shouldnt spend EVERY minute together. Yet then when it comes to it, he doesnt follow through.
Personally I think it's not healthy to spend every minute of your day with your other half. It's completely normal to have even one night a week to yourself or with your friends. Is that really too much to ask? Just because we dont spend all our time together, do I deserve to end up feeling guilty for having some time without him? I'm 19 years old, WHY should i have to give up my friends for him?? Why should he have to give up his frinds for me...it's not normal or healthy for someone to ditch all their friends to be with one person.
And tbh, I think the whole scoring and cuddling in front of friends is yeah sure, affectionate, but it is also rude!!

And I wish you'd stop trying to guilt me into thinking that he doesnt deserve me, and that this is all my fault. seriously, you're acting like i've no respect for him, it's not my fault he has insecurities, it't not my fault they didnt surface until a few months into the relationship. I already know I should break up with him, and I'm trying to do it in a way that's least hurtful for both of us.

it's not about whose fault it is or it isn't. And no, it's not your fault. You two are incompatible, that's all. But you (and others) are trying to imply that he isn't normal, or that what he does is unhealthy, and I just cannot agree with that. Jealousy and possessiveness is not normal, but wanting to spend the lion's share of the time with the other person _is_ normal. And when two people disagree on how much time they should spend together, problems arise, in that one feels smothered and the other pushed out. I do think he should state his case more strongly and not agree with you, I agree with that totally, and passive aggressive is not good either (although I am guilty of that myself and can tell you that when I do it I realise that I am doing something which is wrong, but just cannot stop myself).

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

but wanting to spend the lion's share of the time with the other person _is_ normal.

And the point that you are still so stunningly missing is that "lions share" does not and should not mean 100%. She wants to have the odd night with her friends and she wants him to have friends of his own beyond their relationship that he can spend some time with. Absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with that and you will find that most people feel this way as having outside interests and friends is completely normal and healthy. Being 100% dependent on one person is not. Also, snogging and mauling your partner in the company of friends is incredibly rude. Nobody likes being around that kind of couple...

OP, at this stage I think you just need to be honest with him and tell him that you can't handle him smothering you. There's little point in the softly softly approach here as he's already proven that he has no intention of changing his behaviour. Tell him straight and tell him soon.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

And the point that you are still so stunningly missing is that "lions share" does not and should not mean 100%. She wants to have the odd night with her friends and she wants him to have friends of his own beyond their relationship that he can spend some time with. Absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with that and you will find that most people feel this way as having outside interests and friends is completely normal and healthy. Being 100% dependent on one person is not. Also, snogging and mauling your partner in the company of friends is incredibly rude. Nobody likes being around that kind of couple...

OP, at this stage I think you just need to be honest with him and tell him that you can't handle him smothering you. There's little point in the softly softly approach here as he's already proven that he has no intention of changing his behaviour. Tell him straight and tell him soon.

it's not uncommon for people to spend 100% of their free time together in my experience. Anyway, that's not the point here.