Other half's ex moved into same apartment block

LegacyUser

OK, so myself and my partner (lets call him Paul) have been together for 3 years. Before me he was with another guy (lets call him Jim) for 20 years, but broke up with him about 18 months before meeting me. Paul was the one that ended it, Jim didn't want to. Paul felt pretty bad about ending it after that long, and has been extremely decent since; he earned more in the relationship, and without any legal obligation he gave Jim half of his money when they broke up. Paul moved out and bought a new flat, and Jim moved back home to where he was originally from.

Around the time I met Paul, about 18 months after all this, his work wanted him to move abroad. This suited me, as I was keen to get out of Dublin for a bit, so we moved away together. At the same time Jim decided that it wasn't working out for him back home, and that he would return for Dublin. Paul was looking for somebody to rent his apartment out to, and he knew Jim was stuck, so he said he could rent it for quite a bit below market value from him. Jim had met a new guy, which Paul was delighted about, and they moved into the apartment together. All grand so far.

Fast forward 2 and a half years, and myself and Paul are moving back to Dublin. I still have never met Jim, as he doesn't want to meet me. This is fair enough I suppose, if not exactly how I'd go about these sort of things, but they were together for 20 years, so who knows how that must feel.

Anyway, Paul tells Jim he'll need his flat back, and Jim is obviously cool with that, and starts looking around for his own place. Then last week he calls Paul and tells him he has found a place, on the fourth floor of the same building that Paul's flat is in!

Anyway, as I've said, to this date Jim has refused to meet me. We moved back in a week ago, and he still refuses to meet me. It's making me feel really weird and uncomfortable walking around the place, and to be honest I think it is really childish. He is married to this guy he is living with, and it's nearly 5 years ago that him and Paul broke up. It would be fair enough if we could reasonably and comfortably avoid each other (ie if we didn't live in the same bloody apartment block!) but this is just awkward.

Paul has been up and down helping them move stuff, and Jim has sent his boyfriend, John, down to pick things up a couple of times. I just find it extremely weird, I mean I haven't done anything, I didn't meet Paul until 18 months after they'd broken up, and by this stage Jim had a serious partner himself. I also think it is really unfair of him to put Paul in this situation given how decent Paul has been to him.

Anyway it's making me feel really awkward and weird. Is this justified? Am I being really selfish here? Should I understand how he feels given they were together so long and just get over it?

wylo

Why dont you tell Paul to have words with him, like you said, he put up his ex/mate in a flat for years, he gave him half his money when they split, and now Jim is so much of a coward and so selfish that hes making things tough for you, Paul and probably Jims husband too as he is left wondering is there still strong feelings.
If Paul doesnt have words maybe you should call to him yourself and say cut the crap and grow up.
You could always consider moving, it would be a big deal yes, but so is having an ex of 20 years around the apt block.

thefeatheredcat

Hmm...

That is awkward, he gets on with everyone but you. Has he stated a particular reason for not meeting you (or not wanting to meet you)? I assume you'd have seen pictures of him and would be able to identify him anyway, and it's likely that you'll bump into eachother around the building.

His behaviour comes across as unreasonable given that everyone has moved on. Perhaps it is the case that he scared to confront you and meet you because maybe he doesn't think you're good enough for his ex or that may realise that you're a better match or more in love than they were?

Keep things positive between ye, don't let his behaviour get you down or cause negative feelings towards him or cause for you to be excluded from things. Leave things open for invites to meet up and give him opportunities to get to know you. If in the end he really doesn't want to bother then that's his decision. Don't give him a reason to hate you when you've done nothing wrong anyway to deserve this sort of behaviour. And don't let his behaviour be a reason to cause a rift between yourself and your partner - this could be something he might actually want.