repairing self-esteem after an ugly relationship

LegacyUser

I am new to this forum; I really need some advice as I feel lost and hollow.

I am 24 years old and over the past year I feel like my life is falling apart and I do not have the strength to pick up the pieces. Almost a year ago I lost my first job that was in Dublin after graduating from college, this was due to this recession. This forced me to move home to my sleepy, depressing home town however I fortunately I did get a job quickly. I never really had relationships in college or in Dublin as I had a great group of friends and we were having too much fun. When I returned home I started seeing a guy 13 years older than me who I really fell for and because my pace of life had slowed down so much and my options were limited I tolerated a lot that I am disappointed in myself for putting up with. He drank a lot and treated me badly when drunk; he would totally ignore me when he went on a bender for a few days so I broke it off. He then wanted to get back together which we did after he made a number of promises that he did not fulfil and he quickly went back to treating me badly by ignoring me, forcing me to do things that I was not comfortable with, biting me repeatedly after I had showed how much it upset me, this left me with a number of large bruises that I had to cover up. We then broke up again and got back together once again but as usual it didn’t last as his drinking got worse and he started calling me names and started talking about me getting a good flog, so it ended again. I was getting weaker and weaker and kept letting him back into my life, we are currently not together but I still get calls when he is drunk and he just calls me a bitch etc and he rants that I don’t care about him.
This has left me empty,feeling useless and horrible. I have stopped socialising with my friends which is very strange for me as I have always loved getting dressed up and going out.

I cannot talk to anyone about this as I never let anyone know that this was going on and I am so ashamed that I have been so weak and pathetic. I have always been a really strong character and I cannot let them know that I have let a guy affect me in this way.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to get over this relationship as I have been left with extremely low self esteem, I feel like this is all that I deserve and that if a guy this age didint want me and treated me this badly then I haven't a hope of getting a guy my own age.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

You've been a through a tough traumatic time which sounds like it has made a big dent in your self confidence and esteem. As far as I can see your relationship with this older man was not one of equals and it sounds like he took advantage. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I am guessing you were not experienced in relationships before this one and how it transpired has left you floored.
If your behaviour has changed signicantly and you're not going out with or talking to friends I would urge you to make the effort to see a counsellor so that you can talk through how you're feeling and make sense of what's happened, that it wasn't your fault and hopefully get you back on track.
Everyone deserves the best though sometimes we can't always see that. A counsellor will not be judgemental and you can talk in a safe environment.
OP, I hope you can get through this bad time in your life and find a good place again.

spurious

The first thing you need to do is change your number, so he cannot contact you again.

He was a user and an abuser and how he treats people seems like a bit of an insight into why he's still single. You are much better than him. Get on to your friends, start going out again with them and concentrate on enjoying yourself, not 'finding someone'.

Things happen when you least expect it.