What's wrong with me??

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I guess I am looking for advice on what to do, as I am stuck in a lonely situation where my partner and best friends and family have no idea about what i'm feeling or thinking. Please don't think that this story is a "poor me" scenario - I am genuinely confused about what has happened and why....



I think I have been badly depressed for a long time. I can't remember how long ago it started, but i am 23 and have felt that there's been something wrong with me for a long time - maybe 6 or 7 years.... i think i always felt there was a part of me that was not right or broken, i tended to worry and think too much about things, feel insecure with low self esteem. I don't know why as i had a wonderful supportive family who encouraged me and loved me. I had a terrible experience with my first love, who i was with from 17-20 - he was screwed up in more ways than i can mention, and it was a disastrous relationship for me - i was subjected to him threatening to kill himself if i broke up with him, his constant cheating and lying, stopping me from going out on nights out with my girl friends, threatening more action if i went on a holiday with my friends etc. When he eventually broke up with me, i was in a sense relieved, but also felt incredible insecure and rejected.



During this time, unfortunately I had one of the biggest traumas of my life - and that was losing my cousin unexpectedly through suicide. I handled this extremely badly as there had been no warning signs, and we had been very close growing up. It happened 5 weeks before i sat my leaving cert, and i felt that i was not allowed time to grieve or step back from studying and grinds and preparations from exams. I floated through that entire year without speaking about it - i still sometimes feel an overwhelming tightness in my chest when i think about it, like the pain will explode inside me.....and this is 5 years on. I think that my whole family were affected so deeply by it that talking about it wasn't an option, i worried that mentioning how i felt about it to my mum would cause her to crumble and i couldn't have beared it. I have beat myself up about it over and over again, why i didn't notice anything was wrong, thinking about the last time i saw him....i was getting ready for a night out and was running around worrying about trivial things like fake tan and getting my hair straightened when this was 3 days before he did it, and he was probably crying out for help and i was too self consumed to notice.



I can pin point alot of problems to this stage - i developed IBS, a crippling problem that began in the couple of days surrounding the funeral, that still affects my life badly 5 years on. I have researched this through many means and i do attribute the sheer trauma of his death to bringing this horrible condition on. I have been to GPS about 6 times over the years and have been fobbed off with over the counter relief - this has negatively affected me so that i didn't stay at my new bfs house for a year as to avoid early morning cramps and bowel movements in a house where 6 people shared a bathroom which regularly ran out. Luckily he understands how terrible it is for me, and is so ggod whenever i have to drop whatever we're doing for me to rush to a toilet, or postpone plans because im having a particularly bad episode and am crippled in pain in the bathroom. This does get me down.

I also suffer from lethargy, having no energy, problems with my sinuses etc. Does this all relate back to something??

I would say that I have been suicidal myself - many times. The difference is: I know that no matter how much i want to, i would never be able to go through with it....having witnessed first hand the affect it has on other people. And this, I am sure about. I will never do it.



I emigrated mid last year to a different country with my partner and have finally had time to reflect on the last few years, and something else has occured to me. This is something that I feel terrible about- but I think I recall being sexually abused by my older cousin when i was about 4/5..... there definately was inappropriate games such as doctors and nurse in a play room where he used to pull the blinds down and close the door and there was touching of "private parts" etc. he would have been about 7 years older - so 11 or 12 at the time. These memories that have come up are horribly disturbing to me, and i dare not speak to anyone about them. The horrible part is that this cousin, is a brother to the one that killed himself, and we have a good relationship as adults - even though we live at opposite sides of the world. I know that me telling anyone would rip the remainder of our family apart....i could not do it. We have also lost my uncle to a long term illness in the last couple of years (the father of that family)



I would appreciate external advice on my problems. Is the sexual abuse something that could have affected my life as an adult to this extent? What can i do to get help....I don't want to feel like this anymore. Is there anyone who can relate to my situation. I feel so alone.

I have a wonderful partner who has helped me alot with my insecurities and self esteem problems, he tells me every day how beautiful and smart and kind a person i am, and says he is so lucky to have me....and I have started to believe him....but he is not good with emotional talks or the likes, and i am scared that if he had any idea how "f***k up" I really am, that he wouldn't be able to handle it, and I'd drive him away.



Please help

T xx

amybabes

not really sure what to advise T, but just wanted to say u sound like you've had a tough few yrs, tougher than i could imagine and you shouldn't feel bad about feeling how you do..... maybe try talking to your mum, i'm sure she would want to know how you're feeling xxx feel better soon

LegacyUser

You have had a rough time. What you need now is time to chill and someone to talk to. This will help you gain perspective on your live.

You seem to know that these issues shouldnt best you, but they still are. Often the counsel of a good friend, family member, or therapist will confirm/validate what you already know.

Best advice i can give in one line, talk to someone, never try to deal with depression alone. Take this from someone who knows first hand.

Some perspective will help you immensly. best of luck.

dan_d

Talk to someone. It sounds as though you never got to grieve properly, and that's affected you badly.

That's about the best advice I can give. Make an appointment with a counsellor, and just talk it out.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi Op, sending you lots of love and compassion, it may be one of few times you have allowed yourself some space to talk about the things that are underlining in your life, well done, you do deserve to be happier and not have this hanging over you, i am a survivor of abuse and parental abandonment and i also had an awful life up till a few years ago,

you can turn things around, it is important to get out all the inner pain that is there you dont need to tell the family what happened to you but you do need to tell 'your family' by that i mean yourself and your partner because like you i have a BF who i really consider my immediate family and we are our main priority, i find that very important,

Are you open to seeing a therapist, and it is also a great experience to go in with your BF, i did for 8 months last year and it was an amazing experience, it brought us much closer together and more connected, we both wanted the same things from life and it was lovely to realize that and to see each others love for each other. I could have spent years not knowing and understanding him and what we wanted out of life, it was really beneficial to our standard of life.

Anyway back to you, sometimes the body and mind wants you to hear it and acknowledge it and after all this time it sounds like you need to deal with the sexual experience you have had and the sad loss with your cousin, is there a way that you have seen emotions dealt with in your family like do people tend to repress them then express them,

if it is safe to express yourself with your partner then this is a great start, and seeing a therapist would be very supportive. Could you deal with this outside of your family with your BF and therapist support. You sound like some attention to yourself and your feelings is all it would take for you to be experience a better life, Congrats on the nice BF you have the potential for a great life! Very best of luck to you XXX

anucksunamun

You'd be surprised how many people know exactly how you feel.. please pm me, there are things I can talk through with you I couldn't post on here as people know me. you are not alone. also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!