Missed yet another chance?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I want to keep this brief if possible. First of all I'd like to identify myself as the guy who made that thread here in PI a couple of months looking for tips/advice on approaching a barmaid that I fancied in a local pub where I perform weekly with a band. The thread kind of ended up swirving off into a self pity ramble on my part and I'd like to apologize for that. That all came from deep self esteem issues I have with myself that I am still trying to overcome, and that rambling and self criticism is part and parcel of it unfortunately.. And some things I said came out the wrong way.

Anyway so a brief summary of myself/situation: I am a guy, 20yrs old, and I basically really want to be in a relationship with someone (eg. have a girlfirend), which I have never in my life got to experience (no intimacy, kissing, nothing with anyone) and it really has made me quite miserable as a result, especially over the past few years as I have gotten older.

Right I'll stop the summary there as I tend to ramble in a general sense as well..

So as for the barmaid my previous thread was about (for those who read/were involved in it), she has basically gone out of my mind as I don't see her on the one night a week I play at the pub anymore and I'm assuming she quit or her work schedule changed.

Now as for the main topic - A couple of nights ago when I was at the pub and due to play, these two girls turned up who I hadn't seen there before, and came and stood at the table I was sitting at (while I was waiting to go on stage later on).

One of them was really nice looking, and I was quite attracted to her. I didn't say anything however, and neither did the girls, while I was sitting there. I felt I'd learned from the past and I'm better off not trying to come on to/approach a girl unless I get an indication she's interested in me, or better yet wait for her to initialize conversation.

So later on after I had been up and played with the band, I came back to stand at the same area around the table, and after a short while the girl I fancied came up and told me she though I was really good (in relation to my performance with the band). Then so did her friend afterwards. I thanked them both and nothing else was said until a bit later when (if I remember the order right) she said something to me which led to me asking her if this was her first time coming here. She told me it was and that she and her friend sing at a local place. I asked her if this was her kind of music, and she said it was.

Nothing much else was said then, and my father being there with me (who happened to come along that night to see me play there for the first time..) wasn't making things much easier.. She/they talked to him as well, on/off, and I remember she (the girl I fancied) asked him if he was a friend of mine coming to support me (nobody ever suspects he's my dad as he's so young looking, regularly mistaken for my brother!). He simply laughed and said yes, delighted of course that it was the 10th or so time that week he had been mistaken as my friend/brother..

So I left without making a move (still not 100% certain that I should have) and I'm feeling pretty down about it.. given that it just seems to be an 'endless road' for me. Missing a possible opportunity once again just hurts.

There is the possibility she may return to the pub again as she did tell me she had only just heard about the place/band there and that really enjoyed it. I'm hoping anyway.

Just one other negetive point to this. When I said goodbye to them as I was passing/leaving, my eye contact may not have been the best..... SOrry it's hard to explain. When I feel nervous about making a last impression, I tend to focus too much on eye contact, and I'm worried that, being two of them there, I shifted eye contact at both of them too quickly/or possibly to many times as I was saying goodbye and might have gave the impression that I was wierd or had an eye problem (which I don't)... I know it might sound ridiculous, but I'm wondering if that would generally put someone off, if they're attracted to you otherwise.. Silly I know.. and here's my rambling coming out again sorry.

So I'd appreciate your views/thoughts on wether or not this girl did in fact show signs of interest or how I did in the situation. Thanks.

LegacyUser

OP,

As the dude from the 40 year old Virgin says, ''you are putting the pussy on a pedestal''.I am going to make this as straightforward as possible! Ok you have to do less analysing and just take the bull by the horns. Look at it this way, you realise that there are opportunities, thats a great thing, you now just need to act on those and take control so to speak. I find that if you take control of the situation you enlarge your chances of getting what you want.Now i am not saying it is easy but if you take baby steps, for example talk to any of your girl mates about their interests, girls love to talk, this will enable for you and yourself to be more natural and comfortable around them!!. I mean they are human beings like anyone else! You need to eradicate this notion in your head and when you do this will increase your confidence and it will show on the outside. And as far as just be ready with things to say in general, just keep up to date with the general latest goings on, so youll always have something to talk about.

I also play in a band and Iuse that as a basis for conversation, i also found that playing in a band gave me the confidence to believe in the person i am today.

P.S i think that in this case its hard to judge if she was just being friendly or interested. I base this on the fact that you didnt use that situation to your advantage to find out if she was, if you understand what i am saying!Youve just got to be more assertive in yourself and friendly.You need to portray yourself in this light mate. I wouldnt worry about this girl, theres millions of girls out there.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here, thanks for the advice and your take on the situation renegade.

Renegades wrote: »

P.S i think that in this case its hard to judge if she was just being friendly or interested. I base this on the fact that you didnt use that situation to your advantage to find out if she was, if you understand what i am saying!Youve just got to be more assertive in yourself and friendly.You need to portray yourself in this light mate. I wouldnt worry about this girl, theres millions of girls out there.

I actually think I would have made a move if it wasn't for my father being there with me. I did actually feel comfortable talking to her and I could see myself getting her number. Had I been alone with no 'audience' then I think things may have turned out different. I just feel really down about it.

The plus side about things recently though is that I do feel I am getting more attention/looks from girls as opposed to how I was before I changed my appearence (used to have long hair (now very short), along with pretty bad clothes). The week before last when I was at the pub, I had some girl who I was standing behind constantly turning around in her chair and staring/smiling at me. I wasn't attracted to her but that's just an example. I just hope I'm not imagining/misinterpreting the reality of these situations though..

thefeatheredcat

Endless road wrote: »

She told me it was and that she and her friend sing at a local place. I asked her if this was her kind of music, and she said it was.

How about you go to the place where she sings and take it from there?

Whether or not she was interested in you personally is anyone's guess (but from my perspective of being one of the girls who always liked to chat to musicians as long as they didn't think themselves too cool, it would be a sign of interest) but you do have that valuable bit of information and you should use it. In any case it could be the meeting of minds with a common interest in music, so even if you don't have a relationship with her, then you potentially have a good friend.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If she shows up again next time you're playing, make an effort to chat to her and see what happens, get chatting more about music and the like and talk about performing. And don't get distracted by other skirts around.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

How about you go to the place where she sings and take it from there?

Whether or not she was interested in you personally is anyone's guess (but from my perspective of being one of the girls who always liked to chat to musicians as long as they didn't think themselves too cool, it would be a sign of interest) but you do have that valuable bit of information and you should use it. In any case it could be the meeting of minds with a common interest in music, so even if you don't have a relationship with her, then you potentially have a good friend.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If she shows up again next time you're playing, make an effort to chat to her and see what happens, get chatting more about music and the like and talk about performing. And don't get distracted by other skirts around.

Unfortunately, although I did get the name of the place she sings at, it's actually a theatre. So not a pub or somewhere you could just wander into. I don't know her name and it would probably be impossible to find her anyway.

I certainly will make the effort to chat to her if she turns up again. Don't know how likely that is to happen though. What's the likelyhood of it being a - if she doesn't turn up again it indicates she wasn't interested in me, and if she does make the effort and turns up, then the possibility is still there scenario?

And I actually won't be at the pub the week after next as I'll be busy with something else so that's kind of the worst thing to be happening.. as she may end up turning up that very week..

Ah christ wrecking my head again!

thefeatheredcat

If she turns up again it may be coincidence... but if she makes the effort again to talk to you, well take it from there, so yes, the opportunity may reappear.

If she's there but not engaging you then don't take it personally as rejection...you may not have appeared interested or maybe she thought she'd struck out or lost out on the opportunity, so you may have to go to the effort of engaging her.

As for the theatre, you could inform yourself as to what is on that one would be singing there... but not in the stalkerish way. The chances are she may not be local but performing in a production for a brief time and leaving soon. If that's the case then cherish the memory and hope someday your paths cross again.

If nothing happens, you don't see her again or she's not interested or just doesn't go anywhere then channel the experience in a positive, creative fashion and keep positive about meeting someone else.

And you will meet someone, just stay focused on that and not get distracted by girls offering less than a loving relationship

and btw, nothing's impossible (and is great depeche mode song imo I might add )!

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

If she turns up again it may be coincidence... but if she makes the effort again to talk to you, well take it from there, so yes, the opportunity may reappear.

If she's there but not engaging you then don't take it personally as rejection...you may not have appeared interested or maybe she thought she'd struck out or lost out on the opportunity, so you may have to go to the effort of engaging her.

As for the theatre, you could inform yourself as to what is on that one would be singing there... but not in the stalkerish way. The chances are she may not be local but performing in a production for a brief time and leaving soon. If that's the case then cherish the memory and hope someday your paths cross again.

If nothing happens, you don't see her again or she's not interested or just doesn't go anywhere then channel the experience in a positive, creative fashion and keep positive about meeting someone else.

And you will meet someone, just stay focused on that and not get distracted by girls offering less than a loving relationship

and btw, nothing's impossible (and is great depeche mode song imo I might add )!

Well I just checked the theatre's website. Seems there is only one show/play on and it's showing every week till around mid next month. It's also pretty much on the pub's doostep too, so if she is involved in this play (which I'd imagine she'd continue to do till the last date? - not entirely sure how these play schedules work) then perhaps there is a good chance she'll stop by at the pub again.

Or if I wanted to be stalkerish, I could attend a showing. Would be a bit silly if I bought a ticket though, and found she wasn't part of the play afterall! So I think option no. 2 (waiting it out) is the better bet right now. WHat do you think?

Thanks for your great advice by the way featheredcat.

Sir Ophiuchus

It doesn't seem stalkerish to me that you'd buy a ticket to see a girl who told you where she performed and liked your music. I mean, the chances are pretty good you'd like the kind of music she plays too. Go buy a ticket: if she's singing there, head up to her after the show, compliment her performance, and ask her out for a drink or something.

Seems fine to me, but I'm not a woman. Any female opinions?

thefeatheredcat

You're welcome OP!

I would say take the chance and get the ticket. If I was in the same position as you, I would feel a little uneasy about how it may appear to the other person but I would still go ahead and see what happens. There's a lot of people I would never have met that have had a positive impact on my life if I hadn't taken the chance in the opportunity that was presented.

What really have you got to lose if you go? She may not be there, but at least you made the effort. Maybe she won't appreciate you there/be embarrassed initially, but hey, she did mention about the theatre and you just go why not? Chances are if it's a small production she'll be doing more than singing (dealing with programs, tickets, moving set, lighting etc) and there's always opportunities to meet other people there anyway.

There could be a chance she might pop into the pub again and find that you're not playing and that might be that. But it could become a venue for some involved in the play to hang out afterwards.

You don't stand to lose much in going to the theatre, but it would be another missed opportunity if you don't. I wouldn't think it starkerish to go.

And hey, if it doesn't work out like she's not there, or doesn't appreciate your interest, you get to experience something of the theatre and you may enjoy the whole thing and that could be a new avenue for you to meet people. The question is, if you didn't go and fast forward a few weeks later, would you regret not taking the chance?

Out of interest, did your father have any after thoughts of her being interested in you or did she say anything that gave an indication?

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

You're welcome OP!

I would say take the chance and get the ticket. If I was in the same position as you, I would feel a little uneasy about how it may appear to the other person but I would still go ahead and see what happens. There's a lot of people I would never have met that have had a positive impact on my life if I hadn't taken the chance in the opportunity that was presented.

What really have you got to lose if you go? She may not be there, but at least you made the effort. Maybe she won't appreciate you there/be embarrassed initially, but hey, she did mention about the theatre and you just go why not? Chances are if it's a small production she'll be doing more than singing (dealing with programs, tickets, moving set, lighting etc) and there's always opportunities to meet other people there anyway.

There could be a chance she might pop into the pub again and find that you're not playing and that might be that. But it could become a venue for some involved in the play to hang out afterwards.

You don't stand to lose much in going to the theatre, but it would be another missed opportunity if you don't. I wouldn't think it starkerish to go.

And hey, if it doesn't work out like she's not there, or doesn't appreciate your interest, you get to experience something of the theatre and you may enjoy the whole thing and that could be a new avenue for you to meet people. The question is, if you didn't go and fast forward a few weeks later, would you regret not taking the chance?

Out of interest, did your father have any after thoughts of her being interested in you or did she say anything that gave an indication?

Hey,

It would be a bit much for me to go along to this show I think tbh as I've discovered it's a show for children and I'd seem a bit odd I think! Don't like putting myself in situations where I stand out/don't fit in. Wish it was something I could go to though..

As for the possibility you mentioned of her turning up on a night I'm not due to play there, I'm pretty sure I mentioned to her that I play that night once every week so I'm hoping that wouldn't happen. And actually according to the show schedules on theatre website, each performance happens to take place at the end of the day, on the very same day (and just a few hours before) I play at the pub. So first of all I guess that's even more proof to say that this is the one she's involved in, and I'm guessing that's the most likely time they'd stop by the pub.

As I said though I will be away next week (for 8 or so days) and won't be playing at the pub that week. So basically I'm just really really hoping that if she is planning on coming again, she turns up when I play this week and doesn't happen to do so the following.

As for my father saying anything, no he didn't. Although that's to be expected really as we just never discuss that kind of thing (in contrast to the rest of his family who hound me over not having a girlfriend constantly..). Could ask him though I suppose.

And regarding the other part of your question (''did she say anything that gave an indication?''), are you asking me did she say anything to him that gave an indication or me? If you mean me, well I wouldn't really know tbh. I think I've covered most of what she said. All I've really been going on is the fact that she was the one initiating conversation, and she did this twice. The first time when she complimented me on my playing, to which I thanked in reply. And then a while later she said something to me again (which I have forgotten) after which I asked her if it was her first time coming here etc.

Still analyzing the situation myself.. If there's anything else you need to know just ask and I'll try and remember but I think I've covered most of it. And any further suggestions/thoughts would be most welcome! And thank you again!

thefeatheredcat

Pity it's a kids show, would have been a great chance, but hey if she's local you're bound to met her again especially now she's discovered the pub and could very well be back in there again, especially if she likes the music! and even if she's not local, there's still a chance.

What I meant was did your father get the impression by anything she said while they were chatting that she was interested like say, complimenting vocals/instrument playing etc? Did she ask about who you are or how often you play, what he thought of it stuff like that.

Don't over analyse it and don't dwell on it too much. Who knows what can happen going forward. Use your analytic energy to write songs and be creative rather than banging yourself up about what happened and where it could have led and what you may or may not have missed out on.

I've often found that when you miss one opportunity or you screw something up badly, you're often given another chance down the line with a similar opportunity although not necessarily with the same person/situation. You just need to have the wisdom and experience to see it.

But in any case, I guess you've learned to really take the chance when it's given even if there's a possibility you could be rejected and be confident no matter what. It's often nerve wrecking when you meet someone new that you find yourself attracted to and many people fake the confidence until they find their comfort zone.

The point is not to give up. Keep yourself open to possibilities and keep a positive attitude and mindset. Positive people always attract good things especially other positive people.

And hey, who knows, maybe if things never happen with this girl, there will be others...just don't make it a 'chasing amy' situation and focus too much energy or attention on it that it distracts you from more fulfilling things.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat,

Well I'll try not to dwell on it if I don't get the second chance, but that's easier said than done with me. The constant missed chances/failures really have started getting to me after having an endless stream of them throughout my life.

I keep thinking I've learnt from past mistakes and should be seeing results by now if you know what I mean...


''What I meant was did your father get the impression by anything she said while they were chatting that she was interested like say, complimenting vocals/instrument playing etc? Did she ask about who you are or how often you play, what he thought of it stuff like that.''

Ah right I see. Well once again I'd have to ask him, but I'm sure he would have told me if she was asking him about me/who I was and such.

Thanks again for your time and helpful advice. Having nobody to talk about this kind of stuff with, this place really is a godsend.

thefeatheredcat

You're welcome!

I just hope everything works out for you... and if not, don't worry, shrugg it off and put it down to experience and there will be other chances... just make sure that when they come around you give it your best shot

silsean

haha - you are putting the pussy up on a pedestal . But it is true. 40year old virgin is funny, and scary...

I'm no expert at this, but i recommend youtubing david deangelo and watching the videos he has on "approaching women". It'll be interesting and might give you a different view on the whole thing.

LegacyUser

Well an update.. pointless as it may be, given the outcome..

She didn't turn up.. much to my dismay..

I guess that's it. End of the line Another chance gone. That's all I asked (pleaded to god for!), and that was for this girl to show up.. Wasn't too much to ask for a 20yr old guy who's had nothing but bad luck in that area for his whole life to be given just one chance to form a relationship with someone. Just one chance to take control and succeed in this one area that's been preventing me from living a proper life.

Could be temporary pain as the night of missed opportunity is still recent and fresh in my mind.. but this really has hit me hard and I'm sick of having to endure this all the time.

I'm not asking for sympathy just somewhere to let this out as it gives me a bit of relief.