Help! I have nothing in common with my girlfriend.

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost a year. She is one of the lovliest, kindest people that I have ever met, she is absolutely gorgeous and I really, really fancy her and can't keep my hands off her, but...

We have absolutely nothing in common; and I mean nothing - to the point that now that we have done all the "getting to know you" chatting, I am finding increasingly less to talk to her about. Part of the problem is that she's not as intelligent as I am. Just to pre-empt the usual responses, I am not trying to imply that I am better than her etc and yes I know that intelligence manifests in different ways - but with us it is in very different ways. I am very intelligent in the traditional IQ type sense, I am well educated and am doing another degree for fun in my spare time. She doesn't have her Leaving Cert, but is doing something creative now, which she is quite good at - though she will be the first to point out that she isn't the brightest.

It's not the topics of conversation that are an issue, more the quality of the discussion. I frequently find myself having to explain things to her repeatedly and I just don't get the same buzz from speaking to her, as I have with previous girlfriends.

This isn't helped by our lack of common interests. I like getting drunk, dancing and being silly - whereas she is quite serious, doesn't really like drinking, parties or many of the things that I would consider fun. We have completely different tastes in music, films...everything really. We have completely different backgrounds and no shared experiences that way either. She doesn't really get me and I don't really get her, if you know what I mean.

Can this work out? Is the physical attraction and affable companionship enough to sustain a relationship without some kind of deep intellectual and spiritual connection?

krudler

Can this work out? Is the physical attraction and affable companionship enough to sustain a relationship without some kind of deep intellectual and spiritual connection?

Probably not tbh, I've been in the same position, not in an intelligence thing, but movies, music, places we liked going, holiday ideas etc etc, these things do matter in the long run really after the honeymoon period, when you truly start to get to know each other. I couldnt go out with someone i fancied but had zero in common with again, it kinda defeats the purpose of looking for a relationship imo

pinkdaisy

Hey I can relate to this. I was going out with the loveliest guy up to a few days ago, who I really fancied and we got along so great.but we had very little in common to the point where our conversations were so one dimensional...people we know, nights out we went on together, how our days went, etc, and it was getting a little boring not having any depth there.

At the end of the day you can't change someone and make them share your interests, you either have that in common or you don't.

For me it's a dealbreaker, no matter how nice they are or how much of the physical attraction is there, and even if you get on like a house on fire together...you need both physical and mental stimulation from your partner. I did anyway, and even though the decision to end it purely based on having nothing in common was a very difficult one, I don't regret it because I know that I would prefer to be in a relationship with someone who I can have mindblowing conversations with, as well as mindblowing sex! good luck with it whatever happens!

Moomoo1

It's very difficult to comment on this, since 'nothing in common' can mean so many different things. Often, one partner would think they have nothing in common, and the other would think they have everything in common...

I don't think it's about difference in interests... because one can always take an interest in what the other person is interested about (and maybe learn something new themselves).

Quality of discussion is a more valid point: if one person cannot grasp certain things, then that would leave the other person frustrated. But not necessarily: some people like instructing others, and enjoy that role.

However, I think that's not a problem: the main thing for me is, can you make each other laugh. If you can, then you don't actually need to talk about anything deep to enjoy yourselves. Because there are extremely intelligent and deep people who are still boring as hell because they cannot make you laugh, and vice versa.

Once you get married and have children you simply won't have time to talk about anything except household and childcare issues anyway.

The fact she doesn't like parties and drinking is also a problem, but surely there are compromises that can be reached there? Plus, you don't have to spend your lives in each others' pockets.

The way I see it, a partner is there primarily for things concerned with love and sex, and building a household. Scintillating conversations you can have with friends.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Once you get married and have children you simply won't have time to talk about anything except household and childcare issues anyway.


The way I see it, a partner is there primarily for things concerned with love and sex, and building a household. Scintillating conversations you can have with friends.

my god, that is a very dull way of looking at things. sure it might work for some but its far from ideal. its more like settling for second best, it shouldnt really be this way even if it does work to some extent

Shivers26

Ok so I had a similar situation. I would be quite well educated, I have a degree and did a diploma just for fun as well. I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years with a guy who failed his Leaving Cert but I loved him. He would be an intelligent enough guy and what we did was make new things in common or try get more involved in each others interests. I started to going to GAA games with him, going hillwalking etc. He would help me to study for exams and would humour me by watching chick flicks.

It just depends on the people involved. I guess on the surface we would have seemed to have little in common but we worked it and were very happy (until the fecker cheated on me).......but thats another thread.

If you find this girl does not stimulate you intellectually at all then it may be time to call a halt to things before too much more time passes.

Dublin141

My OH and I have incredibly little in common but we're expecting our fifth child together so obviously it's a case of opposites attract. And we talk about more things than the household and childcare btw.

I find we have lots more to talk about because we both have interests that the other knows little about so the conversation never runs dry. There is always something new to chat about. Just because we aren't always into the same things doesn't mean we can't talk about them and we have been known to introduce the other to something they might not have been interested in originally but discovered they really enjoyed it. It's great to learn about new things, be it a hobby or a certain film or genre of music.

The main thing is we enjoy spending time together even if it means doing something or talking about something that isn't exactly exciting/fun to one of us. We make each other laugh and it helps that we still fancy each other. It all boils down to how you make each other feel. If it's an effort to be around each other then it's less likely to work.