stuck in hell

LegacyUser

hi,

So, about 10 years back my dad cheated on my mam and got caught, i confronted him (i was young and my mam was really upset) worst thing possible happens, he tries to strangle me in front of my mam and my brother, i managed to fight back and knocked him to the floor. the arguments went on and on for months, same physical abuse towards me and retaliation by me.

anyway, a few years later the same situation arises, he gets caught cheating again, same abuse towards me, same retaliation.

So, you see the pattern here. Anyway long story short, i have 2 chronic illnesses which are keeping me from actually finding a job, not that there are any these days.
I have very little money, enough to keep myself fed & med per week and thats about it.
The problems at home are getting more and more aggressive, and i've basiclly isolated myself from everyone else. i dont have any close friends that could put me up for a few days. and i cant afford to rent/b&b/hostel etc..

i've spoken to the samaritans even, and i still have no idea what the hell i can do. I do know i need to get the hell out of here. Are there any services i can avail of for this particular situation or am i just fcuked?

Thanks,

Anony.

Victor

I'm sorry to hear this. You don't say how old you are, but I assume you are an adult at this stage. Are the problems only between your father and the rest of the family? Might the solution be that your father moves out? Assuming he is the breadwinner, he would probably still have to support your mother and brother.

Talk to the local HSE Health Clinic and ask for a social worker. They may not be able to help you directly, but they may be able to advocate for you in getting some supports.

An alternative might be to talk to the local citizens information centre first.

LegacyUser

@ Victor
the problems are between myself and my dad yes, other arguments do happen but not to this extent and are resolved without violence.
The problem, i should have mentioned, is that my mother has forgiven him for cheating, and basiclly takes his side in most arguments.
She's housebound and i guess she just sees the arguments between me and dad as something to wreck her head with, or threatening her or something.

The father would never move out and has threatened me with 'throwing me out on the street'. He knows i cant afford to move out and he seems to play on that a lot.

By moving out am i giving him reign to do the same thing to my mother?

sam34

i know this will appear harsh, but your fathers infidelity is between him and your mother, not him and you.

you have no right to confront him about it and cause arguments in the family home.

your mother has forgiven him.

its not up to you to perpetuate the arguments about it.


if you cannot work due to illness, i presume you are on disability benefit/ would you be entitled to rent allowance? you could then move out.

it may be into a house share rather than a palce of your own, but it would be better than your current situation

LegacyUser

Sam,
apart from the first time i mentioned above, i was a lot younger and distressed seeing my mother in the state she was in.
I havent confronted him about his infidelity since. These eruptions of abuse stem from everything else, i was using that as an example of where i think the whole violent abuse is coming from.
I agree with you about that though.
I have no idea what entitlements i can recieve besides disability. where would i find out?

LegacyUser

homeishell wrote: »

The father would never move out and has threatened me with 'throwing me out on the street'. He knows i cant afford to move out and he seems to play on that a lot.

By moving out am i giving him reign to do the same thing to my mother?

homeishell don't believe this for a second! My dad was the same. He made all these barriers to me moving out and would cause hell whenever I tried. My mother tried to cover for him so she'd actually lie to me about the cost of bills and rent (I was too naive to find out how much people really paid.)

When I finally moved out it was such a weight off my shoulders. I blamed myself, then my mother, but eventually I realised that I spent every day of my life being controlled and bullied - it was emotional, physical and verbal abuse - and I just never learned to stand up for myself.

When I eventually discussed it with my mother she said she thought she was doing the best for me, my bros and sisters. She was letting him reign using bullying - it's his character flaw. My mother was afraid he would harm us, and we were just taking my mother's advice and doing "anything for a quiet life!"

Funny thing is they get on better now because he has no one to control any more - He realises he is essentially on his own if he loses my mother... and my mother can actually stick up for herself now that she doesn't have children to protect.

aDeener

sam34 wrote: »

i know this will appear harsh, but your fathers infidelity is between him and your mother, not him and you.

you have no right to confront him about it and cause arguments in the family home.

your mother has forgiven him.

its not up to you to perpetuate the arguments about it.


if you cannot work due to illness, i presume you are on disability benefit/ would you be entitled to rent allowance? you could then move out.

it may be into a house share rather than a palce of your own, but it would be better than your current situation

whoah disagree entirely here. he has every right in my opinion, especially considering his father tried to strangle him over it. i wouldnt mind that the mother has forgiven him, shes probably in fear herself. awful situation op, any uncles/aunts or cousins that might help you out?

sam34

homeishell wrote: »

Sam,
apart from the first time i mentioned above, i was a lot younger and distressed seeing my mother in the state she was in.
I havent confronted him about his infidelity since. These eruptions of abuse stem from everything else, i was using that as an example of where i think the whole violent abuse is coming from.
I agree with you about that though.
I have no idea what entitlements i can recieve besides disability. where would i find out?

sorry if i took you up wrong, i read your op to mean that you kept bringing up the affairs iwth him and thast what caused teh arguments.


you'd find out about entitlements from your local community welfare officer or social worker, both can be contacted through your local hse offices

cafecolour

homeishell wrote: »

I have no idea what entitlements i can recieve besides disability. where would i find out?

Disability alone should be enough to find shared accom on. It's about 200 a week - same as dole. Not a massive amount, but I know a number of people who survive fine on it.

You could try contacting somewhere like amen.ie to see if they have advice, though I think they are primarily focused on men abused by women.

dyl10

How old are you OP?(sorry if you already answered, can't see where you did).

If you are being physically abused, I'm sure the state has a right to protect you.
Surely your options have to be more than "Stay at home and be abused" vs "Rough it on the streets"

What does your mother think of this?

LegacyUser

Check out http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/disability-and-illness/disability_allowance for info on the allowance and how to claim it. that's almost €200.

Even if you don't qualify for it you'll probably get job seekers assistance once you live away from home (it's means tested). If you can't manage while your claim is processed march down to the health board office and demand money for necessities, if they can provide housing you could get food off friends, or raid the cupboard before you leave home, or ask SVP. The big move is getting away from home and you'll get your benefits eventually.

A medical card will take care of your meds
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/health/entitlement-to-health-services/medical_card

and you'll get between €66-92 rent supplement (eventually)
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/supplementary-welfare-schemes/rent_supplement#rates

In fact citizensinformation.ie is a pretty good resource all round!

You are an adult and you shouldn't put up with ****. The problem is your father is such a ridiculous, selfish individual who abused his position of power. He will never see you as an adult as long as you're living in HIS family unit. Start your life now instead of wasting another few years.

Hauk

I recommend reporting the incidents to the Gardai. A crime is a crime, regardless of it being family, but even having them on the book is a good thing.

But as regards moving out and getting the services you need, the advice tenchifan offers is sound. citizensinformation.ie is a great resource.

Good luck with it.

theg81der

Have been in a situation quite similar to yours (sick, friends dissapear, family suck etc) so - if you are anywhere near Louth I have a spare room and your welcome to it for a while. If you have a regular log in send me a pm and I`ll give you my address.

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice and support folks, much appreciated.

Nevyn

You may be able to get a safety order put in place.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

Under the Domestic Violence Act, 1996, Gardai (the Irish police force) have the power to arrest and prosecute a violent family member. Under the law there are two main kinds of protection available, a safety order and a barring order.

A safety order is an order of the court which prohibits the violent person from further violence or threats of violence. It does not oblige the person to leave the family home. If the person lives apart from you it prohibits them from watching or being near your home. A total of 1,221 applications for safety orders were granted through the District Courts in Ireland in 2006. The highest proportion of safety orders granted (693) was against the spouse of the applicant.

Victor

theg81der wrote: »

Have been in a situation quite similar to yours (sick, friends dissapear, family suck etc) so - if you are anywhere near Louth I have a spare room and your welcome to it for a while. If you have a regular log in send me a pm and I`ll give you my address.

While well intentioned, such an arrangement has its problems. Presumably homeishell has no idea who you are and vice versa.

LegacyUser

What ever you do look after number one first i.e you. Your parents a both adults.

You need to work on moving out of home asap. This is your life. Don't know a lot about social welfare entitlements but i'm sure you are entitled to disability allowence, rent allowence etc. If you are told you are not entitled to this or that do not give up; be persistant. Definately go to citizens advice and ask them what you are entitiled to. If all else fails it's no harm talking to a local politition.

anucksunamun

That is so awful, I used to live with someone who was on disability and they got rent allowance, and also help with making up a deposit to move out, So you may well be entitled to these things too.. I hope things work out for you, if ya ever need to talk feel free to pm me.. take care.