The women we love

LegacyUser

They tell you anything you want to hear; they love you, are devoted to you, would die for you ... You build your entire life around them, work hard every day to make their lives happier and help them to realise their dreams and ambitions. You share your home with them, share your life, everything you have is theirs too.

And then you discover one day that there's another man whom she swears she has never even thought about in any romantic way. You find pictures of them together at a party you never even knew about, you find that she checks his facebook page every day. You find his number in her phone. You find that she has been texting him during a weekend she spent away from you, supposedly with friends (who also happen to know him quite well) She tries to hide this, telling you that he wasn't even present at that time (see photographic evidence mentioned above) She deletes all texts sent to him and recevied from him, unaware that you've already seen them.

You confront her and on the surface she does all the right things; becomes very upset, crying, tries to offer explanations, deletes the pictures, the phone number, the texts. Promises that she loves you and no others, tells you she wants to build a strong relationship and that you are the one.

And so you believe her, you take her in your arms and cry with relief that the woman you love so dearly remains yours. You offer her your entire self, no conditions, nothing held back. And you believe in your heart that all this is true and right and valuable and worthy.

And then you find that every time she uses facebook, she visits his page. They are not listed as 'Friends', she has been accessing his page through a mutual friend. She visits this mutual friend quite regularly, and spends nights out with said friend and her group. You ask yourself, how often is this other man around? You wonder about the nights your girlfriend tells you that she is having dinner with her friend at her house, wondering who else is present, is he there too?

You ask yourself if this means something, or anything at all? Is it important that she accesses his facebook page, does that matter at all? You question your own sanity, and the paranoia that you feel, the fear ... Your stomach tingles as a feeling of dread and apprehension rises in you, and you begin to question all that you once held as true in your relationship.

What are you to do next ?? If any of this rant sounds familiar to any of you out there, I would love to hear from you. I feel so lost in myself.

ChocolateRamses

I'd get rid of her.

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, I really am. The only honest advice I can give you is to get rid of her, cut all contact, and let that be the end of it.

I'm not going to pretend that won't feel like you're trying to tear your heart out of your own chest, but from what you've posted she doesn't sound like somebody worth the effort. From the sounds of it, if this has been going on for any length of time, if you give her another chance it'll be all quiet for a few months (maybe), then she'll be at the same craic again.

It's not simply a case of her drunkenly kissing some randomer or something like that, this seems to have been a calculated attempt to deceive you.

Really sorry it panned out like that OP.

Sauve

OP - congrats on a very well written post, full of honesty and perfectly portrayed how much you're obviously hurting at the minute.
You seem like an extremely loyal, loving, and caring person who idolises the person you are with, and have qualities that not all are fortunate to have. Is it possible that your OH has decided a long time ago that you would put up with this kind of behaviour?
Fair enough -everybody who's in a relationship from time to time meets somebody else who sparks their interest. Theres nothing wrong with that, its only human. Where the offence happens is where that initial attraction is acted upon. Be it a flirty conversation, swapping numbers or something more- you're overstepping boundaries.
And even if this guy is 'just a friend', she shouldnt feel the need to delete texts and avoid adding him as a friend on facebook. If I met a new male friend and was hesitant about telling my boyfriend about him and deleted texts, that would set alarm bells ringing that I was doing something wrong.
From what you've said, it sounds like you deserve some honest answers. Stay calm, tell her youre concerned about something, but dont sound accusing and dont say anything you could regret. Listen to what she has to say and leave it at that, take a few days to think it through and have a good chat to yourself. After youve decided what you think, go back to her and let her know whatever it is youre going to do -be it accept her side of it and put it all behind you, or decide is time to move on.
The best of luck to you, and remember - You dont deserve to be treated like a mug. If it turns out that your suspicions are right, dont let yourself be treated like a doormat. Youre better than that. Give your love to someone who makes you smile.

LegacyUser

SwimmingInIt wrote: »

They tell you anything you want to hear; they love you, are devoted to you, would die for you ... You build your entire life around them, work hard every day to make their lives happier and help them to realise their dreams and ambitions. You share your home with them, share your life, everything you have is theirs too.

And then you discover one day that there's another man whom she swears she has never even thought about in any romantic way. You find pictures of them together at a party you never even knew about, you find that she checks his facebook page every day. You find his number in her phone. You find that she has been texting him during a weekend she spent away from you, supposedly with friends (who also happen to know him quite well) She tries to hide this, telling you that he wasn't even present at that time (see photographic evidence mentioned above) She deletes all texts sent to him and recevied from him, unaware that you've already seen them.

You confront her and on the surface she does all the right things; becomes very upset, crying, tries to offer explanations, deletes the pictures, the phone number, the texts. Promises that she loves you and no others, tells you she wants to build a strong relationship and that you are the one.

And so you believe her, you take her in your arms and cry with relief that the woman you love so dearly remains yours. You offer her your entire self, no conditions, nothing held back. And you believe in your heart that all this is true and right and valuable and worthy.

And then you find that every time she uses facebook, she visits his page. They are not listed as 'Friends', she has been accessing his page through a mutual friend. She visits this mutual friend quite regularly, and spends nights out with said friend and her group. You ask yourself, how often is this other man around? You wonder about the nights your girlfriend tells you that she is having dinner with her friend at her house, wondering who else is present, is he there too?

You ask yourself if this means something, or anything at all? Is it important that she accesses his facebook page, does that matter at all? You question your own sanity, and the paranoia that you feel, the fear ... Your stomach tingles as a feeling of dread and apprehension rises in you, and you begin to question all that you once held as true in your relationship.

What are you to do next ?? If any of this rant sounds familiar to any of you out there, I would love to hear from you. I feel so lost in myself.

Hi there,

I am not going to write a long reply telling you what to do....only you can answer that..But I have to say I loved your post, I know you are going through a really rough time...but your post is so lovely and honest, and portrays you as such a nice person...
try talk to her one more time...if it remains the same, I would suggest taking a break and see how you both feel. I remained in this situation for several years, and it never changed. I decided to move out and sort my head out, and I am pleased to say we are almost back on track again...

best of luck...

dreamer_ire

remote09 wrote: »

Hi there,

I am not going to write a long reply telling you what to do....only you can answer that..But I have to say I loved your post, I know you are going through a really rough time...but your post is so lovely and honest, and portrays you as such a nice person...
try talk to her one more time...if it remains the same, I would suggest taking a break and see how you both feel. I remained in this situation for several years, and it never changed. I decided to move out and sort my head out, and I am pleased to say we are almost back on track again...

best of luck...

+1

OP your posts reads of total honesty. If you can be this honest look within yourself and listen to what your head and your heart are telling you. You deserve to be loved as you love.

Good luck

MissHoneyBun

Sorry to be crude but I'd be issuing ultimatums -ie. if she's with you then she aint stalking no dude on Facebuke

LegacyUser

I hear you op.
going through heart break myself right now. My ex gf wanted me to be comfortable with her forming a friendship she wanted to have with an older man who was a stranger she randomly met, but was also talking to him about sex over the phone I later got out of her. Something she forgot to mention at the start. I knew she was going to cheat on me. I broke up, less than 4 days later she sleeps with him. Only the second time she met the man. After saying it was only friendship she wanted originally.

From reading your post you got the classic "Useless, lying *itch" - harsh words I know. But true. When you confronted her about this man she lied. About everything, to not being the smallest bit attracted to him, to having all texts/photos etc.

And to answer your question "Is it important that she accesses his facebook page, does that matter at all?"
- Yes it does matter. A feeling you got right now in your gut is telling you to get away from her. To not trust her. Listen to it. Believe you me. I failed to listen to mine with two girlfriends and what it was saying came through.

You know what will happen if you continue with her. She'll eventually cheat on you with said guy or another guy. And you know what thats going to be a hell of a lot more painful because if you get back with her, trust me, when you finally break up it'll be on her terms. when she is ready or has someone else.

She has broken the trust with you. As ChocolateRamses said eariler in the thread: "It's not simply a case of her drunkenly kissing some randomer or something like that, this seems to have been a calculated attempt to deceive you." - couldnt say it better myself.
Couldnt say it better myself.

I'm only 24 but the sad cruel world of dating is hitting me. The simple fact is you cant trust the majority of people out there. That the best way is to judge their actions, not what they say. If what they say and do matches. You're fine. If they both tell different stories. Dump them.

I am starting to believe in dating if one half is not really into the other alot. That half will cheat or eventually breakup. But when it suits them. Especially if someone else is on the scene.

Trust your gut on this one mate.

LegacyUser

Facts_Of_Life wrote: »

You know what will happen if you continue with her. She'll eventually cheat on you with said guy or another guy. And you know what thats going to be a hell of a lot more painful because if you get back with her, trust me, when you finally break up it'll be on her terms. when she is ready or has someone else.

How right you were, I wish now that I had paid more attention to your advice. I guess I am a fool after all.

dearg lady

SwimmingInIt wrote: »

How right you were, I wish now that I had paid more attention to your advice. I guess I am a fool after all.

I'm so sorry to hear that. And if you are a fool, well we've all been a fool in love. I wish you the best for the future, look after yourself

LegacyUser

“If you’re a fool for Love, you’re no fool at all. Vulnerability is a sign of strength, an absence of fear.”

TitoPuente

Dump her. She's cheated on you and lied to you so don't do it tenderly either. Just ignore her and pretend she doesn't exist and move on with your life. The cold shoulder will really hurt her... but she deserves it. I'm not saying that you should be cruel and punishing... but you should do what's best for you - i.e. move on. Let her deal with what she's done on her own.

Elessar

Damn. I'm suddenly turned off relationships! My sympathies with you OP.

I think what facts of life said is true. If she had nothing to hide, why delete the texts? Why lie? In fact, I think we should sticky facts of life's post.

Miller Boy

Very sorry to hear your news, OP. I think TitoPuente has summed it up well. I had a bad feeling when I read your post originally. I have found that, in situations like yours, there's almost always lies and cheating involved.

But you deserve great credit for coming back and updating the situation. I really hope you find someone as nice as yourself soon. Best of luck.

changes

In my experience gut instinct is never too far off the mark. How do you really feel deep down about it, do you trust her, do you believe her?

kryogen

if she is lying get rid, simple as that really

but dont let it ruin you towards women, some great ones out there and the same way all men are not actually asshole, all women are not cold hearted bitches!

dont become a controlling, paranoid, possesive guy because of bad experience, it will only lead to more of them

You dont trust this girl so there is no future there im afraid

ash23

Ouch, that thread actually hurt me to read

Brought back the very real pain of my experience and how I felt when my ex partner pretty much did the exact same thing. That was almost 2 years ago now. All I have to say is, it hurts like hell initially but it passes.
Life goes on, you'll move on and you'll be happy again. I'm happier now than I was at the end of the relationship as by the end I was giving it my all and he was giving it nothing. It was exhausting.
The lying and the cheating took it's toll too. The worrying about where he was, what he was doing and the arguments when I expressed my fears and he did nothing to alleviate them, he just got defensive. It was physically and emotionally draining and it took all my time and energy.

Now I've my life back, I'm dating albeit cautiously, I'm happy in my own company and my confidence and self worth is back and I now know that I deserve so much better than what I had settled for with him.


Best of luck OP. The next few months will be tough going, but you'll turn a corner eventually.

miec

Hi Op

Having read your post, your trust in your girlfriend has gone and in effect any respect and decency in the relationship has gone too. If I were in your shoes (and I was once) I would leave. It's **** always looking over your shoulder and wondering if it will happen again, the mental torment alone is not worth it. Someday you will find someone who can truly value what you give them, you have never been the fool in this sitation, your girlfriend is the fool.

LegacyUser

I'm really surprised at the responses you got above, OP, because when I read your post, I got big jealous and possessive vibes from you.

You're reading your girlfriend's personal messages and checking up on her in a way that shows little respect or trust. She tells you that she loves you and is devoted to you, and you jealously check her internet history.

You frighten me.

Wagon

unefemme wrote: »

I'm really surprised at the responses you got above, OP, because when I read your post, I got big jealous and possessive vibes from you.

You're reading your girlfriend's personal messages and checking up on her in a way that shows little respect or trust. She tells you that she loves you and is devoted to you, and you jealously check her internet history.

You frighten me.

She was cheating on him. Read his fúcking update.

legend365

Wagon wrote: »

She was cheating on him. Read his fúcking update.

-_- really annoys me when people only read the first bleedin word!

Good luck in life OP.

Enjoy it! It only comes around once!

Miller Boy

unefemme wrote: »

I'm really surprised at the responses you got above, OP, because when I read your post, I got big jealous and possessive vibes from you.

You're reading your girlfriend's personal messages and checking up on her in a way that shows little respect or trust. She tells you that she loves you and is devoted to you, and you jealously check her internet history.

You frighten me.

I suspect that you're a major league wind up merchant or someone with a major chip on your shoulder! Are you seriously suggesting that checking someone's private messages is worse than cheating? That the 11th Commandment should be "Thou shalt not check my private messages, lest thou shouldst discover that I doth cheat on thee?" Get real!