Not sure what to make of this...

McChubbin

...but I figured here would be a good place to seek advice.

Way back in November of last year, I was at a function when I got chatting to a nice young bloke.

Let's call him Joe*.

We shared interests, tastes in music, humor, movies and the like and it seemed to be going fairly well.
Having said this, I was still reeling from a break-up that had occurred two weeks prior and wasn't in the right state of mind to recodnize that he was flirting with me.

Anyways, we went our seperate ways for a bit, enjoying the function until we met out outside the ATM and once again got talking. Because of the noise, he suggested we go for a walk around the venue and get some air.
I indulged him, feeling slightly heat-sick due to the humidity.

We ended up sitting on a wall near the tennis courts and having an in-dept chat about this, that and the other.

It felt easy enough to talk to him and he seemed preceptive to the fact that I needed a sympathic ear so I told him about the afore-mentioned break-up. He sympathised and basically said that "that guy was a total idiot"-which may or may not have been a line, I dunno- but regardless of this, he still asked to swap numbers.

I gave my number to him but my intention was purely to have him as a friend and someone to talk to.

He said-a little TOO entusiasticly I might add- that he'd call me the following Monday and we'd maybe "go for coffee" or something to that effect.

We parted ways and said goodbyes and that was that.

Monday came and I heard nothing from him so I just deleted his number and chalked it up to him finding someone who didn't give out so many 'just-been-dumped' vibes.

That was about 6 weeks ago and I'd all but forgotten about him when out of the blue last week, whilst in the middle of doing FA, my cellphone rang up with a number I didn't recodnize. Curious, I answered and it was Joe* on the other line, asking if I fancied going to a gig that was on in Febuary.

So, we discussed that and fell back into conversation as if I was only talking to him the previous day as opposed to 6 weeks before hand. The reason he gave for the long lull in communication was that his message inbox was full and he'd only just recieved the text I'd sent to gve him my number.

(I am somewhat cynical about this...)

Anyways, we chatted for about an hour or so when he said that he regularly gets together with a bunch of other anime/sci-fi/comic geeks in town most Saturdays and invited me to join him 'whenever I might be free'.

Now this offer didn't feel to me to be an offer of a date but I could be wrong.

I'm not sure if I should take him up on the offer as he might get the wrong idea. I *AM* interested in him as the fact that he still decided to call me despite me basically coming over all "woe-is-me" shows that he's interested in me yet at the same time, alarm bells are going off in my brain that say he might be trying to pray on my 'vulnerability' and that it could be a 'pity date'.

He doesn't really seem the type to do such a thing but as I don't know him very well, I have to err on the side of caution.

Also, I worry that if I *DO* decide to go and meet him he might assume my interest is more than platonic and get the wrong idea.
Whilst I would like to have another relationship, I realise that I have a nasty habit of jumping into things too quickly and 3rd time around, I'd like to start off by taking things slow-as in, actually getting to know him first.

I dunno, guys. The situation confuses me greatly. Part of me wants to follow up on this guy as he seems somewhat geniuine but I have to go with my sensible side and be cautious-I've only just glued my heart back together and the last thing I want is for it to fall apart again.

Mrrrr....

oil painting

McChubbin wrote: »

...but I figured here would be a good place to seek advice.

Way back in November of last year, I was at a function when I got chatting to a nice young bloke.

Let's call him Joe*.

We shared interests, tastes in music, humor, movies and the like and it seemed to be going fairly well.
Having said this, I was still reeling from a break-up that had occurred two weeks prior and wasn't in the right state of mind to recodnize that he was flirting with me.

Anyways, we went our seperate ways for a bit, enjoying the function until we met out outside the ATM and once again got talking. Because of the noise, he suggested we go for a walk around the venue and get some air.
I indulged him, feeling slightly heat-sick due to the humidity.

We ended up sitting on a wall near the tennis courts and having an in-dept chat about this, that and the other.

It felt easy enough to talk to him and he seemed preceptive to the fact that I needed a sympathic ear so I told him about the afore-mentioned break-up. He sympathised and basically said that "that guy was a total idiot"-which may or may not have been a line, I dunno- but regardless of this, he still asked to swap numbers.

I gave my number to him but my intention was purely to have him as a friend and someone to talk to.

He said-a little TOO entusiasticly I might add- that he'd call me the following Monday and we'd maybe "go for coffee" or something to that effect.

We parted ways and said goodbyes and that was that.

Monday came and I heard nothing from him so I just deleted his number and chalked it up to him finding someone who didn't give out so many 'just-been-dumped' vibes.

That was about 6 weeks ago and I'd all but forgotten about him when out of the blue last week, whilst in the middle of doing FA, my cellphone rang up with a number I didn't recodnize. Curious, I answered and it was Joe* on the other line, asking if I fancied going to a gig that was on in Febuary.

So, we discussed that and fell back into conversation as if I was only talking to him the previous day as opposed to 6 weeks before hand. The reason he gave for the long lull in communication was that his message inbox was full and he'd only just recieved the text I'd sent to gve him my number.

(I am somewhat cynical about this...)

Anyways, we chatted for about an hour or so when he said that he regularly gets together with a bunch of other anime/sci-fi/comic geeks in town most Saturdays and invited me to join him 'whenever I might be free'.

Now this offer didn't feel to me to be an offer of a date but I could be wrong.

I'm not sure if I should take him up on the offer as he might get the wrong idea. I *AM* interested in him as the fact that he still decided to call me despite me basically coming over all "woe-is-me" shows that he's interested in me yet at the same time, alarm bells are going off in my brain that say he might be trying to pray on my 'vulnerability' and that it could be a 'pity date'.

He doesn't really seem the type to do such a thing but as I don't know him very well, I have to err on the side of caution.

Also, I worry that if I *DO* decide to go and meet him he might assume my interest is more than platonic and get the wrong idea.
Whilst I would like to have another relationship, I realise that I have a nasty habit of jumping into things too quickly and 3rd time around, I'd like to start off by taking things slow-as in, actually getting to know him first.

I dunno, guys. The situation confuses me greatly. Part of me wants to follow up on this guy as he seems somewhat geniuine but I have to go with my sensible side and be cautious-I've only just glued my heart back together and the last thing I want is for it to fall apart again.

Mrrrr....

Hi There,

I know i hate being indecisive too! but i think you should give it a go, its always nice to be asked out especially after being on your own for a while, he seems like he is nice and it might be fun to hang out with him and his mates as he suggested, go once and see how you feel, i think you are worried about being vulnerable i would be too, but i would prefer to live and learn then to not give it a go, whats the worst that can happen? Try and be self aware because you said you want to take it slow, You said you didnt want to make the same mistakes about jumping in too soon, why do you think you were doing this? it might help to explore that?

All the best XX

McChubbin

oil painting wrote: »

Hi There,

I know i hate being indecisive too! but i think you should give it a go, its always nice to be asked out especially after being on your own for a while, he seems like he is nice and it might be fun to hang out with him and his mates as he suggested, go once and see how you feel, i think you are worried about being vulnerable i would be too, but i would prefer to live and learn then to not give it a go, whats the worst that can happen? Try and be self aware because you said you want to take it slow, You said you didnt want to make the same mistakes about jumping in too soon, why do you think you were doing this? it might help to explore that?

All the best XX

Hi, Oilpainting.

In my previous relationships, I was always very submissive and even when a warning sign was smacking me repeatly in the face, I would ignore it in order to save face and not wind up alone. it's a very long story but basically, I have issues concerning trust and abandonment- in a nut shell, I want to be able to trust someone but I can't because usually, that trust is broken or something happens with that person and I'm left alone.

I invest too much too soon in my relationships-not just sexually but emotionally as well. I am a needy person, possessive, jealous, insecure and paranoid over the slightest things and whilst I avoid confrontation by refusing to acknowledge the problems, I also wind up driving people away by being so stubborn and bossy in a bid to cover up the neurosis.

After my most recent break-up, I took a hard look at myself and my own actions and have come to realise that I self-sabotage because I am trying to find the stable male figure in my life that was sorely lacking as I grew up.

I crave security and reassurence but by being so needy, I inadvertably drive people away because I come on too strong, too eager to please, too paranoid over wandering eyes and too complacent towards glaringly obvious relationship problems.

I don't want this cycle to continue. I'm trying my damndest to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and stop being so obvious with my emotions but it isn't easy. The flipside of it usually means I'm taken to being 'difficult', 'bitch' or a 'control freak'.

I don't want to be this huge bundle of neurosis, especially not if I'm going to give this guy the benifit of a doubt and take him up on the date offer.
He doesn't deserve to be saddled with this gargantuan mountain of crazy but I feel if I don't try to identify the cause of the self-sabotage then I'll always be caught in a vicious cycle of falling for the wrong sort.

Also, I tend to over-analyse things way too much. Got to stop doing that.

oil painting

McChubbin wrote: »

Hi, Oilpainting.

In my previous relationships, I was always very submissive and even when a warning sign was smacking me repeatly in the face, I would ignore it in order to save face and not wind up alone. it's a very long story but basically, I have issues concerning trust and abandonment- in a nut shell, I want to be able to trust someone but I can't because usually, that trust is broken or something happens with that person and I'm left alone.

I invest too much too soon in my relationships-not just sexually but emotionally as well. I am a needy person, possessive, jealous, insecure and paranoid over the slightest things and whilst I avoid confrontation by refusing to acknowledge the problems, I also wind up driving people away by being so stubborn and bossy in a bid to cover up the neurosis.

After my most recent break-up, I took a hard look at myself and my own actions and have come to realise that I self-sabotage because I am trying to find the stable male figure in my life that was sorely lacking as I grew up.

I crave security and reassurence but by being so needy, I inadvertably drive people away because I come on too strong, too eager to please, too paranoid over wandering eyes and too complacent towards glaringly obvious relationship problems.

I don't want this cycle to continue. I'm trying my damndest to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and stop being so obvious with my emotions but it isn't easy. The flipside of it usually means I'm taken to being 'difficult', 'bitch' or a 'control freak'.

I don't want to be this huge bundle of neurosis, especially not if I'm going to give this guy the benifit of a doubt and take him up on the date offer.
He doesn't deserve to be saddled with this gargantuan mountain of crazy but I feel if I don't try to identify the cause of the self-sabotage then I'll always be caught in a vicious cycle of falling for the wrong sort.

Also, I tend to over-analyse things way too much. Got to stop doing that.

Wow! that was very honest and inspiring of you to express that, you have self awareness anyway and you know why you are feeling vulnerable, you need to see yourself in this light, if you have been rejected in the past then it is understandable you feel this way, i had to teach myself to be my own best friend and to be nice to myself because you internalize how your parents speak to you and then you speak to yourself this way too.

Ive been in similar times myself and you need to heal and let in the happiness, its weird because when all you know is hardship in a relationship its hard to let in a more positive way because it is not familiar, chaos was all i knew growing up, i have learnt to trust again and i have stopped sabotaging myself as you said, i really feel i did this through learning to love myself, dont know if your into Louis Hay's book you can heal your life but the affirmations she suggested were really good for me, the mirror work as well, like if you look in the mirror and say to yourself Your name and i love you you will really see how you feel about yourself, I always say there is nothing more attractive than a strong confident woman, people are drawn to you like a magnet!

Do you think you want to give yourself more time before you go out with anyone again, have you seen a therapist or would you like to?

XOXOXOXO

McChubbin

I would LOVE to see a therapist but I sadly cannot afford the one sane practioner that resides near me. I've tried emailing The Samaritans and although it does help somewhat, it's not quite the same as having a one-to-one conversation with an actual person.

In regards to the 'positive affirmations' stance on things, I've read the work of Susan Jeffers in the past to help deal with ongoing states of depression.

I haven't heard of Louis Hays but I'll try to check him out.

As for my previous post, I'm doing this new thing for New Year's where I lift up the mask little by little and let people see my inner workings-always in small amounts, though. If you knew EVERYTHING that goes on in this twisted little head o mine, you'd have nightmares for months!

Anyways, thanks all the same for your kind replies. I'm not exactly a social butterfly and don't really have anyone I can talk to about these sort of topics so it's good to be able to speak openly on the internet.

Without the pressures of face-to-face interaction, it's easier to articulate thoughts into words.

oil painting

Aww yeah i know what you mean, like really the talking and sharing of the problem is all we need, it is so important to feel validated and recognized and heard, Most people would not want to see a therapist but you really want to its all a great sign that you are normal and sane so dont be worrying that you are not because i think the mad people are the ones who dont talk about anything. Mmmm thats a pity about the therapist because you seem really ready for it and its such a release.

The book i mentioned is called YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise L Hay, she is very inspiring, the first book i ever got was FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY it was my best friend and my only friend at one stage in my life! But your one Louise hay set up Hay house which is where a lot of the self help books are published and she set up a radio station on line which is free it is really good for guidance especially if you have not access to a therapist, Wayne Dyer has a weekly spot as does Esther and Gerry Hicks, they are sooo good to listen to and it is free! www.hayhouseradio.com

I liked what you said about lifting up the mask, i read something about that earlier that was about doing just that for 2010.... it was 8 principals for 2010 the first one was stop hiding who you are, i felt Oooo wouldnt it be great if you were just completely yourself! walking around!

http://www.intent.com/laurenmackler/blog/8-principles-fun-2010

Are you living on your own do you have anyone in your life you can share with? XX

McChubbin

oil painting wrote: »

Aww yeah i know what you mean, like really

Are you living on your own do you have anyone in your life you can share with? XX

Nope, living with my parents at the family home. they mean well but I often feel very stiffled. It's worse now because this evening, I just found out that I've been let go so there goes the few bob I chuck into the savings account.

*sigh*

Considered texting Joe* earlier but I couldn't figure out what to say-to ask if he fancied grabbing a coffee sometime or something to that effect. Oddly enough, I feel strangely tongue-tied at the thought of communcating with him. not in a bad way, though. More of in a "Omigod, don't let me **** this up" sort of way.

I've nervous but it's understandable I suppose.

I am going to *attempt* to text him tomorrow once I top up my credit and hopefully see him for a coffee and chat over the weekend. As you said, it'd be better to go for it and see how it develops than waste time pondering the 'What If' scenerios.

Wish me luck.

EDIT: Just read that "8 Principals" article. Seems so simple yet so hard to recondition years upon years of living up to other people's expectations. I'm going to try and embrace the first principal: "Stop hiding who you are". It is completly unrealistic and nerve wracking to expect to live life according to everyone else but myself.

Prehaps loosing my job is the kickstart I need to take stock and re-evaluate myself. It will take time but I think I could handle it better now that my previous attempts at self-fufillment.

Moomoo1

there is no need to beat yourself up so hard OP, there really isn't. Just take it easy, meet with the guy, and see how it goes. For all you know, he could be that stable male figure you've been looking for...

McChubbin

I hope so but I need to be cautious. From our last face-to-face meeting, he tells me he's a "straight edge" bloke (doesn't smoke/drink/do drugs) which if it turns out to be true, earns MAJOR brownie points but it's early days yet and I won't know 'til I try.

She who dares learns.

helimachoptor

McChubbin wrote: »

That was about 6 weeks ago and I'd all but forgotten about him when out of the blue last week, whilst in the middle of doing FA, my cellphone rang up with a number I didn't recodnize. Curious, I answered and it was Joe* on the other line, asking if I fancied going to a gig that was on in Febuary.

So, we discussed that and fell back into conversation as if I was only talking to him the previous day as opposed to 6 weeks before hand. The reason he gave for the long lull in communication was that his message inbox was full and he'd only just recieved the text I'd sent to gve him my number.

I an guarantee he's lying about this part OP, firstly, Sms messages will not stay pending on a network for 6 weeks. A week is the default time set by networks and I'm unaware of any network (on the planet) that has anything this long.

Also, he is expecting you to beleive that as a young person he found it normal not to get a txt for 6 weeks.. BS...

McChubbin

helimachoptor wrote: »

I an guarantee he's lying about this part OP, firstly, Sms messages will not stay pending on a network for 6 weeks. A week is the default time set by networks and I'm unaware of any network (on the planet) that has anything this long.

Also, he is expecting you to beleive that as a young person he found it normal not to get a txt for 6 weeks.. BS...

This is the part that makes me suspious. If he was really interested, why did he take so long to reply? I could understand him wanting to give me some space but I find it dubious that "he didn't get the txt until then"...

spinandscribble

i'd reply to him letting him know its a lie and you wouldn't mind seeing him again if he's honest. personally i wouldn't start seeing someone who lied to me.

McChubbin

spinandscribble wrote: »

i'd reply to him letting him know its a lie and you wouldn't mind seeing him again if he's honest. personally i wouldn't start seeing someone who lied to me.

Texted him last night but I stopped short of going down this route-don't want to jump to the wrong conclusions. Basically, just asked how he was and if he did anything interesting over the weekend.

Still no reply. Maybe it's a lost cause...

Shame. He looked like Dave Grohl...

Yunalesca

McChubbin wrote: »

I haven't heard of Louis Hays but I'll try to check him out.
.

Louise Hay is actually a female author who is mainly famous for her book 'You can Heal your Life' published by Hayhouse. Her guidance and positive affirmations offered within the book are extremely helpful when applied to any situation in life. In her book she even details how she used them to help her battle cancer!

Best of luck to you on your journey!

dearg lady

Seems to me like there's two issues here, your own issues with being needy etc, and separately the issue with the guy, with you being (understandably) suspicious about his not contacting you for six weeks.

As regards your own neediness, I do genuinely believe you need to work on this first. I used to be a lot like that and while I feel I've come a long way, I haven't yet risked a relationship since I've worked on myself. The truth is, there's never gonna be some guy to come in and be the magical cure, hopefully you( and I!) both will find a strong male figure but you can't expect him to be strong all the time, and he will have flaws, and you need to be able to accept that, and be strong for him at times, and not sabotage the relationship.

The advice I would give to you is to try to sort out your own issues before considering getting back into a relationship, cos unfortunately, unless you have a real plan of what will be different this time around, and take positive action, chances are the same thing will happen again.

KnocKnocKnock

Why don't you ask a friend to come along to the group meetings on Saturdays? That way there is no "date" vibe and you can take it very slowly. You can chat and get to know him better at a slow pace which is probably best especially if you are getting over a bad break up and are already unsure of his character at this early stage.