Mother diagnosed with breast cancer

Terodil

Dear boardsies,

I'm still reeling from the shock: I just received a letter from my (61yo) mother in which she revealed that she was diagnosed with breast cancer half a year ago. The tumor was removed with 2cm spare tissue around it, together with 6 lymph knots. She subsequently received chemo and antihormonic treatment, the former being very taxing on her and the latter even being cancelled due to the excruciating pain in her bones, notably her hand. She also suffered numerous complications due to the OP, especially due to the removal of the lymph knots. The current status, according to her letter, is that no metastases have been discovered (yet) and that she is 'considered superficially healthy' (her words).

This comes in a long line of partly severely debilitating sicknesses, which had her almost lose her kidneys (the blood vessels seized up and needed to be dilated) 10+ years ago and a considerable piece of intestines about 2 years ago. When I was home last, I could see how much weaker she was, her enormous strength is dwindling.

I do not want to sidetrack too much, but a minor issue in all this is that I cannot help but feeling partly responsible for this. I have definitely not been the best son under the sun, I have been directly and indirectly responsible for a lot of worry and pain that have whittled away at her nervous reserves. We have recently taken tentative steps towards a restoration of our formerly extremely close relationship, but it's still far from what it once was, when I was a teenager. I guess the higher you can go, the deeper you can fall.

My questions are: Have you had a case of cancer among your close relatives, and how have you coped -- and helped them cope? I know I cannot get medical advice here, but my first frantic research in the intarwebs have been spongy to the extreme. Does this mean I'll lose her in the next months or can I have hope to see her around for another decade? How can I give her the strength she needs to fight the cancer?

In her letter, she stated her wishes relatively clearly: She wanted to be left alone and live her life as she wants to. She explicitly stated she did not want any huge fuss kicked up about the illness, no special visits (I live 8h away from her) or calls, just understanding and empathy. I'm really at a loss here. What do I do? I gather that talking about it is key, but what do I do with somebody who's used to being a self-reliant, strong fighter, but who's run out of fuel? What on earth can I do?

Thank you in advance for any advice or experience you may be able to give!

Ickle Magoo

Okay, first of all your mother has expressly given you her wishes and they should be respected. However, I think you have the right to enquire, not demand obviously, but enquire about the prognosis she has been given.

It's awful to contemplate but it may just be a case of reiterating you are there and willing to be there for her until she takes you up on the offer.

I know it sound obvious but you have to accept that regardless of circumstance and what kind of son you would probably have been facing exactly the same situation.

I've lost 4 close relatives to cancer and I'm still in no better a position to tell you how to deal with your mum and yourself. There are so many different factors that it's just impossible to compare - but big hugs to you & if I can be of any help, I'm only a post or PM away xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Carsinian Thau

I'm very sorry to hear this. Remember to look after yourself too. It can really help to talk about stuff like this.

You'll have to respect her wishes obviously, but you can give her the strength she needs by being there and letting her know that you're there for her.

I lost a family member to cancer six years ago, but the situation was also completely different so it's not of much help to you. From the tone of your post though, it seems like you don't need much help to help her. You care and you're going to try and help her. I don't think you can do much wrong.


And you shouldn't feel partly responsible. It doesn't matter how much worry you may or may not have caused. This couldn't have been your fault. It just happened.

lovelyhome

This post has been deleted.

Nevyn

I would say respect her wishes but get support for yourself, as you must have things you want to say and discuss, www.cancer.ie as lists of support groups for cancer patients, survivors and family.

metrovelvet

Do not burden her with your anxieties. Help her on s practical level, like bring groceries and help her out that way. If shes healthy enough bring her to the cinema or out to lunch. Help her enjoy her life.

The Recliner

OP you are in no way responsible for your Mothers illness, I know it would be nice to be able to blame it on something but the fact is these things just happen even if you had a perfect relationship

I know what you are going through, my Mum who would be a similar age to yours and who had always been strong and healthy and looked after herself got 2 different forms of cancer at the same time 2 years ago, luckily they were caught early and she only had to have Radiotherapy

She got the all clear but is still a risk for a reoccurance of the cancer for 5 years, she gets checked regularly for it and is well looked after, I assume the same applies to your Mum, so at the moment your mum has been delcared to be cancer free but will still have a worry about it until a few years have passed

Unfortunately for my Mum a few months back she developed two more forms of cancer, more serious this time and unrelated to the previous cancer
She is currently undergoing Chemotherapy and I went to visit her at the weekend, I had been talking to her on the phone and she had said she had said that she was weak and unwell but it was still a shock to be there for the weekend and for her to be barely able to do anything for herself and to be sleeping most of the time

My Mum is strong but the drugs take a serious toll on people, in a way it might ahve been better for you that she didn't tell you eaqrlier and you didn't see her at her worst, she probably did it to protect you knowing that if you live that far away it would be difficult for you to get home and that you would feel guilty for not being there even when there is nothing you can do and it isn't your fault you can't be there all the time

My Mum is made of iron, I know she will be fine and now that your has had her treatment I am sure she will be too. We should count ourselves lucky, others weren't in time to get treatment

All you can do is respect her wishes, she is technically healthy now so there is no reason to treat her any differently, try and repair your relationship and treasure the time you have with her and the second chance you have been given

www.cancer.ie will give you some info which might go some way to helping you feel better about it, there is a groub in England called http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx who also have a lot of useful information

I hope this helps a little to know you aren't the only one who is going through this even though our circumstances are different as it wasn't easy to write about

familyseeker

Hi Terodil,

Obviously you are incredibly upset but don't panic yet. My mother had breast cancer when she was a year or two older than your mother is now and she is still around to wind me up 10 yrs later!! The fact that no metastases have been discovered so far is a good thing. Do you have any other siblings or family who can be a support to you right now?

Your mum obviously wants to keep things as normal as possible so, yes, you should respect her wishes. Write back to her and tell her that you are glad she has confided in you at last, you were worried when you last saw her, etc. Don't get maudlin and start going on, just tell her that you accept the way she wants to play this and you hope she doesn't mind if you ring now and again.

Ring her every week or two and just chat about ordinary stuff, not focusing completely on her health. As time goes on you will hopefully be able to ring her more frequently. Send her cards to cheer her up and let her know you are thinking about her. Maybe send her the odd bunch of flowers if you can afford it and it's something she might like. Plan visits in advance for when she has recovered a bit from the effects of the treatment.

Whatever you do, take your lead from her. Listen when she wants to talk but don't push her to have deep meaningful conversations if she doesn't want to. Don't unload your worries or fears on her, if you need information and support, you can find it from friends or from Cancer support organisations.

If your mum has any very close friends, you might contact them to ask for updates on her situation - I know my mum confided more in her best friend as she didn't want us children fussing over her.

Hang in there and come back and let us know how you are getting on

Hope that helps you.. best of luck to you and your mum!

iw82

Hi there,

My mother developed cancer when she was in her early 40s. After her surgery & treatment it was initially thought that she was in remission but unfortunately that was not the case & after another two sessions of chemo/radiotherapy she passed away.

My mother was very definite in the way that she wanted to be treated & had laid out plans... She had written a letter to us as a family & also a letter that was read out at her funeral. She had decided that she wanted a casket, not a coffin, to be waked at home, what music she wanted. She also wrote in journal which many members of the family have read.

She was a really strong person but despite that there were many times when the fear became too much... For everyone, especially in the beginning... I guess we had a lot of hope that everything was going to be ok. I think at the end she had come to the stage of acceptance, & I know for me it was a huge relief in a way... I knew in my heart that she wasn't going to pull through it.

I really got side tracked there.... sorry!

It's really great that in your mothers case no metastases have been discovered. And I don't mean to put the fear of God in you when I talk about my mother's case... I suppose I just wanted to illustrate that many people have their own way of coping... it really is different for everyone.

How did I cope? I don't think I can honestly say how I did... I just did. As cliched as it is life just keeps on going & I guess I felt that I had to be the really tough one.

When you say that you feel partly responsible that reminded me so much of my brother... I had just turned 21 & he was in his late teens & he was at a bit of a rebellious teenage lad stage of his life... I know that he feels guilty & it has made it harder for him to get over it. Nobody is to blame & it really is no good to either yourself or your mother to think that way.

And I think that it is really important to emphasis that massive developments have happened since my mother passed away & it does not mean that you are going to loose her in the next few months.

I agree with one of the earlier posters, she has expressed her wishes clearly & you do need to respect them. For me, the fussing of some of our immediate family members drove me near crazy...

My advice.... just be there for her when she needs you & let her know that too. I think you could try to slowly rebuild your relationship... just baby steps at a time. One thing I will emphasis is to look after yourself too!

Not sure if anything I've said is in anyway helpful but.....!