BF doesn't want sex

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for almost four years now. Very much in love with him, he says the same about me. We get on so well and it feels like we fit together so well. Like the same things, I can know what he's thinking before he even thinks it himself, the usual. Have such a laugh together. We're in the process of sorting out our future together at the moment. He finished college last year and has started a new job which he loves. I'm finishing up a Masters and the plan is to move in together this summer when it's over. From about a year in we both knew that we were in it for the long haul, didn't even need to be said (although it was). We often talk about the future, where we think we'll end up living, joking about the kids and that.

The only problem we're having is with our sex life. And it seems to be a pretty big one. When we got together in college, he'd never been with anyone else, and I'd been with a few people. It wasn't really a problem, he was a good bit nervous at the start, but he got over that fairly quickly For the first year and a half we had a serious serious amount of sex. We'd end up going for 'naps' most days, end up leaving the nightclub early as he couldn't wait to get me home, have sex in places we shouldn't have because we couldn't wait, all that stuff.

But then it started to die off. He'll go through phases where he just won't want sex at all. For months, we won't have sex unless I initiate it and even then he'll turn me down 7 times out of ten. It'll continue like this for months. I've talked to him about it (we talk about everything). He says that he can't help it, that it's not a reflection on me, it's just that he doesn't feel like it. Eventually, things will pick up a little, but it'd usually still be me doing most of the initiating. We'll have a good month or so (I'll be terrified the whole time, waiting for it to end) and then BAM! back to how it was before.

I've tried everything. I've tried initiating it more. I've tried talking to him about it. I've cried my eyes out to him at times, when I just can't hide how upset I am about it. I've tried spicing things up, asking him what he would like more of. I've tried dressing up, reading books, everything. That's not to say I hound him about it, I don't. I'm very conscious that I don't want to be putting extra pressure on him, as it could be totally counterproductive. We've gone around and around for years, and about a year ago I gave up. When he's in bad form about it, he'll snap and tell me that I'm some sort of nympho, that nobody thinks about sex as much as me and that it's my crazy high expectations that leave me disappointed (I'm just thinking twice a week, or even once a week at this point). He says it's not a physical problem, he just doesn't feel like sex an awful lot of the time, that it doesn't cross his mind and he's just not that pushed on if he ever had to have more sex.

After all this my confidence had just had such a knocking. I've always had a fairly high sex drive, but for the first time ever it just plummeted. I began thinking that yeah maybe he's right, maybe other couples don't have sex either after a while. I've stopped talking about it and don't try to come on to him half as much anymore. I started to feel like maybe I was some kind of a freak to want sex as much as I did, so I stopped talking about it. I feel it was around then that my confidence has just shattered.

I was continuing like that, until I started hanging around with a couple of new friends. They're with their bf's as long as I'm with mine, and they're very open about their sex lives. They're *still* at it night and day. Can't keep their hands off their bf's and vice versa. It's just crushed me. That's how I still feel about my bf, but he clearly doesn't feel the same about me.

It's not just about the sex, and it's not like I want sex just for the sake of it. I want sex with him. I want to feel good about me, like someone wants me in that way. I want to know he feels the same about me as I do about him. When I look at him I just want him so much that it can take my breath away at times, and I just want him naked. When he does something so sweet, I want to make love to him and just express how much I love him. When we're going through one of our phases where we're not having sex for weeks, I just feel like I'm in a sham relationship, where we're friends, but living a lie as a couple. When we do have sex, I feel so much closer to him. I'd like to think that sometimes, he see me and the *wow* I'd like a bit of that, or that sometimes, he'd love me so much he'd wanna scoop me up and make love to me. It just breaks my heart to know he doesn't feel like that. We do have sex maybe once a week now, but it's still always when I approach him, if I left it alone, we just wouldn't have sex! It's so horrible and degrading knowing that the person I'm with just doesn't 'want' me. I'd ignored these feelings for so long, and thought I could get by without sex, but it's only lately that it's really started to come home to me and I just find myself crying myself to sleep. I feel horrible and unwanted.

The bottom line is that I love him. He's such a great man, and a loving bf. I know he'd do anything for me, and I never want to lose him. We do have an affectionate relationship, he loves nothing more than a cuddle, loves holding my hand, tells me he loves me everyday. We talk about everything, but when I try to talk to him about how I feel about this he just says it's only bloody sex. He'd be as happy to just never have to do it again. He say's for him he doesn't feel like sex is an expression of love. When he feels particularly in love with me, a kiss is enough for him.

It's not just the sex that I miss, although I really do miss that. It's just that I guess as I grow older and it becomes a more mature relationship, I just have started to realise just how much sex means in a relationship, that it's more than just a ****, and that I'm missing it as a link to him. What do I do? I just can't go on like this anymore. Do I just forget about sex and stay with him. But lose a part of myself in doing it? I thought I could do that, and managed to bottle it up for years, but have nearly had a breakdown over it in the last few months. He's amazing to listen to me, but I still can't break through to him why sex is so important to me. He just can't seem to compute it. Anytime I try to explain it I cry and don't do myself justice.

Is sex that important in a relationship? How do I explain to him what it means to me, in a way that isn't accusatory and that he'll understand. Do I cut my losses, accept that we've different ideas about the whole thing and leave? I really don't want that. The fact that he was so into and active about sex at the start makes me wish it could be like that again.

Any help would be so appreciated, maybe I am just putting to much importance on sex, and it should be just something that we don't need. I'd really like if someone could help me explain how important it feels to me, so that I could say that to him.



*I just realised that I left out a fairly important fact, when we do have sex it's really good, especially for him. He really enjoys it, gets cuddly afterwards and says that we really should be doing more of that as it feels great. Then it just disappears again.

daisybelle2008

OP this is a really tough one but to be honest you don't have to keep explaining it to him. You need to take action. You are not putting too much emphasis on sex. You are denying a significant part of you by trying to force yourself to ignore it or convince yourself it is not important.

I think you need to break up for a little while and get some perspective. A few things could happen:
- You might decide that you can happily sacrifice sex in exchange for a relationship with him
- He might decide that he needs to change his attitude and make time for sex or lose you (strange that he seems to enjoy it when he does have it),

- You might feel a sense of relief from denying that part of you and realise you don't want to go back

There are a few other scenarios, but to be honest I would be inclined to make a break to get some distance and force an outcome. You have tried acceptance of the situation and are almost at the point of nervous breakdown. Surely a little time apart to get some perspecitve is a no brainer. You are both very young to be putting up with incompatibility on such a fundamentally important relationship aspect.

LegacyUser

Agree with Daisybelle - you need a break from him and he needs to start to realise how much this has affected you. Went through something very similar - left my confidence absolutely shattered and took a long time to recover from - I felt like I was to blame for it and he did absolutely nothing to convince me otherwise. I'm not saying it was the only reason for us splitting up but it was a huge factor. I don't want to alarm you but my ex used to say the same, that he had no interest etc etc.....but he had interest, just not with me...
I would take a break, outline your reasons ie. you cannot stay with someone when you are left feeling like this over what is a very important part of any relationship. My heart goes out to you as I can recognise myself in a lot of what you write. You don't need to be accusatory at all - but you need to make him see how much this is eating away at you. If he wants to salvage things then he needs to address the issue and compromise to a degree....This isn't even about the sex anymore, it's about his refusal to understand how you are feeling - he has decided the terms of your physical relationship and there seems to be no room for compromise.
All I will say is that this is not going to go away or resolve itself without some serious discussion and effort, especially on his part. If, as you say, you are thinking about a future with this man then there are a lot of things to consider. Can you live without a physical relationship? What about having children? Will he be willing to have sex in order to have a child - sorry to be so blunt but these are the things I didn't think through properly and wish I had!

Miss Fluff

So_Lost wrote: »

Is sex that important in a relationship?

Yes it is that important. And I think daisybelle2008 has given you spot-on advice. You need to take a complete break from him (do not even think of moving in together until this is sorted:eek:) and get some perspective on this. So does he. Your sex life as it stands, or lack thereof, is entirely on his terms and he is completely refusing to compromise. He is being unreasonable and bullish and shattering your self-esteem in the process. I think you need to take some time out and perhaps think about writing him a long letter to explain how you are really feeling.

LegacyUser

anon_beenthere wrote: »

This isn't even about the sex anymore, it's about his refusal to understand how you are feeling - he has decided the terms of your physical relationship and there seems to be no room for compromise.
All I will say is that this is not going to go away or resolve itself without some serious discussion and effort, especially on his part. If, as you say, you are thinking about a future with this man then there are a lot of things to consider. Can you live without a physical relationship? What about having children? Will he be willing to have sex in order to have a child - sorry to be so blunt but these are the things I didn't think through properly and wish I had!

Thanks so much for the replies, I really appreciate them. We do still have sex, probably once every week or two or three. And he really does enjoy it when we do, gets turned on straight away. It's just that he'd never start anything himself. I have to do it all of the time, and most of the time I get turned down, so it eats away at me. It's more that he's very rarely in the mood I guess? He says he just doesn't feel like he needs it very much, and that it's only rarely he can be bothered. I think it wouldn't bother me if we only had sex once a week, if it was him that was suggesting it ya know? That's the bit that seems to hurt the most, he'd never come near me himself. The rejection the other times doesn't help either!

I appreciate what you are all saying about it being on his terms. The thing is though, he is really caring about it, and he does listen. It's more that he doesn't *understand*. He tries to, but it doesn't go in. He doesn't feel like sex is more than just the physical thing, so try as he may, he doesn't understand why it's so important to me. And then the worst thing is that he will try to have more sex, to make me happy, but then it feels forced. And the thing thats worse than having no sex with your bf is feeling like you're forcing him into doing it, or that he's only doing it out of obligation.

I probably just need a clearer way to make him understand my emotions around sex? Or how I feel about it?

prinz

OP, people have different sex drives and libidos. Maybe your OH's is not as high as yours. tbh you need to decide what you value more, sex more often or your bf. All this talk of 'he is shattering your self esteem'..'everything is on his terms' is wide of the mark. If you emotionally blackmail him into more sex, then it would be on your terms...

It needs a compromise...from both of you.

magneticimpulse

maybe he has realised he is gay and doesnt want to admit it? you still seem quite young and maybe he is having doubts. It seems strange that he went from being really interested to being turned off. Unfortunately these things can happen. Guys might date girls in college and then after college realise that they are really gay. Ive seen it happen so many times

limklad

prinz wrote: »

OP, people have different sex drives and libidos. Maybe your OH's is not as high as yours. tbh you need to decide what you value more, sex more often or your bf. All this talk of 'he is shattering your self esteem'..'everything is on his terms' is wide of the mark. If you emotionally blackmail him into more sex, then it would be on your terms...

It needs a compromise...from both of you.

I have to agree with prinzthis. Everybody have different sex drive. Every relationship in the beginning do have a great sex life and lots of it initially, it does fade as times goes on, which is normal in most relationships.

You are a rarity as it is mostly males who want sex the most. As a male, I cannot believe that I am saying this: There is far more to Relationships than sex. You do not need lots of sex to know if your fella is interested on you. Try this for a month, No Sex and concrete on building your relationship by other means.

When I look at other couples, I can tell at a distance if things are working out well by their body language, the tone of their voice when they speak to each other. How they can complement each other without saying words to express it, it is written all over their face and body language, and how they help each other and how they gives each other space when they need it. The little support, and gestures, such as how they leave the door open and waiting for each other, etc. You get the picture.

jenga-jen

OP the hardest thing sometimes, when you've found someone who matches you on all the other important points like interests, goals, values etc is to find someone who matches you sexually.

As Daisybelle was saying, perhaps you need some space here. Even if we take the sex out of it for the minute, this is a serious issue you're having in your relationship and your bf is ultimately ignoring it and not trying to find a solution/enter into discussion on it.

Coming back to the sex Please try to remember that, at least IME, relationships are not comparable. What works for one couple in the bedroom wrt frequency etc isn't for everyone.

If you'd said you want it five times a week and were getting it 1-2 and complaining I think you'd prolly have had people telling you to cop on but tbh there's NO evidence of any kind of compromise here from your bf.

My advice would be: get some space, have a think about what you want and please please don't move in with your OH until you're 100% sure that such an important issue has been resolved (and kept that way if his past behaviour of reverting to no sex is anything to go by)

Wibbs

limklad wrote: »

You are a rarity as it is mostly males who want sex the most.

IMHO Thats a common misconception. Maybe true in the early days of a relationship, but in my experience far more women than men have this issue like the OP's in long termers. The majority of my female mates have mentioned this. I think the idea that men want it all the time actually makes it harder for many men to admit they dont or women to suggest they want it more.

As a male, I cannot believe that I am saying this: There is far more to Relationships than sex. You do not need lots of sex to know if your fella is interested on you. Try this for a month, No Sex and concrete on building your relationship by other means.

When I look at other couples, I can tell at a distance if things are working out well by their body language, the tone of their voice when they speak to each other. How they can complement each other without saying words to express it, it is written all over their face and body language, and how they help each other and how they gives each other space when they need it. The little support, and gestures, such as how they leave the door open and waiting for each other, etc. You get the picture.

Good advice there. Build as much as you can outside the bedroom and you may find behind the bedroom door improves.

shellyboo

jenga-jen wrote: »

OP the hardest thing sometimes, when you've found someone who matches you on all the other important points like interests, goals, values etc is to find someone who matches you sexually.

But sex is an important point too -- it's just another value that you have to match with your partner on.

I fail to understand why sex is always relegated to this additional, secondary thing in a relationship where everything else is more important and holds more value. A relationship without sex (or rather, romantic/sexual intimacy of some sort) is a friendship. Without physical intimacy, you don't have a lover you have a friend.

It's the most basic building block of a relatioship as far as I can see - sexual compatibilty. To say that you can somehow deal with it or not care about it is ridiculous.

He has a lower sex drive than you OP, but more than that - he doesn't view sex as a need the way you (and I) do. For him it's a fun activity -- for us, it's an
expression of love and an act of bonding. I totally understand where you're coming from on this. Unfortunately; even if your bf does end up having more sex with you, it will never be that kind of natural desire for you that you're craving; because he simply doesn't possess that. That's not his fault and it's not yours - you're just not on the sane page sexually. To me, that means you're not compatible as a couple. You need to decide for yourself if you're prepared to compromise who you are and sacrifice your needs to be with him.

LegacyUser

OP, I honestly thought this was a thread I'd written months ago, i had to look at the date twice!
Exact same situation as you - loved each other so much but my bf never ever wanted sex. I went through EXACTLY the same as you - cajoling, pleading, ignoring the situation and then feeling so depressed about it. See my other thread - is this cheating? - one I wrote this morning. The no sex thing has contributed hugely to driving us apart and we are breaking up. Everyone said the same things to me - don't emotionally blackmail him, try spice up things with a weekend, is he gay - but NOTHING made a difference.

I can't say the same thing will happen to you but I will say that you/me deserve better. you are a real person and you have real and valid needs and you deserve to be happy. By the way it is VERY common for men to not want to have sex, I completely disagree with the other poster who said it's rare.

Good luck x

Wibbs

Taurusgirl wrote: »

By the way it is VERY common for men to not want to have sex, I completely disagree with the other poster who said it's rare.

+1 I think it's better out in the open too. Too often women are blamed for not wanting it and in the case of men not wanting it all too often the women blame themselves. Like I said in the previous post, its not rare at all in long termers. I know very very few women who are in relationships or 5 years or more who haven't commented on it at one time or other.

shellyboo

Taurusgirl wrote: »

I can't say the same thing will happen to you but I will say that you/me deserve better. you are a real person and you have real and valid needs and you deserve to be happy. By the way it is VERY common for men to not want to have sex, I completely disagree with the other poster who said it's rare.

Good luck x

Agree 100% with this and what Wibbs is saying too. It's not always men who are harassing their women for sex, it very often happens that the woman is the one who has a higher drive.

Attitudes like "you're a rarity" and "men are supposed to want it more" just contribute to the problem, because you end up feeling ashamed of your desire and need for physical comfort when it's the most natural thing in the world to want to be intimate with your partner. Nobody deserves to be made to feel bad or wrong or 'other' for wanting sex with their partner.

LegacyUser

In the last 5 years I have noticed I have a decreasing sex drive (I'm late 20s) and it can be frustrating. Yes, I have some personal and relationship issues. And I have a stressful job with long hours and it can destroy my sex drive mid-week.

So from my POV it's sad to hear you moan about what he does to "your confidence" - what do you think it does for him? He's a man, not a vibrator, so you can't expect him to be "on" the whole time.

Possibly, he's not that attracted to you. But here are some suggestions you might consider...

If you take advice from the other girls in the thread and "take a break because he is selfish" you might be making a mistake. Is he really selfish? It would make more sense to talk to him and see if he is having problems. Maybe it's something simple like he masturbates and isn't horny when you are, maybe he suffers stress, or perhaps you should visit a doctor (possible medical issue) or sex therapist together?

In addition to discussion, you could make yourself more appealing and make sure you have a good, relaxing evening set aside to get him into the mood. If he has sex with you once a week what's different the other 6 nights? Maybe he's just bored of the routine and you need to be more kinky to get him in the mood. Maybe you try to initiate sex only when he's in bed, and he falls asleep when his head hits the pillow!

It's so funny that you say you only "realised" how important sex is to you in a relationship. The ironic thing is men have higher sex drive when their in their late teens to early 20s (I definitely did), while women are usually at their friskiest in their 30s. So your "realisation" is really just your body clock working on schedule. You found a man, and now your body's telling you to make babies.

If you think you have a good guy there and don't want to lose him you need to act on it and shifting the blame will just make things worse.

jenga-jen

Just to clarify OP I wasn't suggesting that finding a sexual match is difficult and as such should be a low priority. I meant it that it can be frustrating to find someone who ticks all the boxes (no pun intended) but who isn't a good match for you physically and sexually.

In this scenario it makes your feelings about your relationship and any possible issues in this area even more confusing.

Also, in my previous post any suggestion to 'take a break' from your relationship would obviously only apply if you were to feel, as I got the impression from your OP, that this was effectively a 'deal breaker' for your relationship or that your OH wasn't committed to changing something that was affecting you so profoundly.

It's obvious from your post your feelings for your OH and you seem to want to solve this and I hope, either way, you get it sorted

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I was once in the same situation with my long-term bf. I think some men, when they get to a certain point of commitment, which he probably has reached with you after four years together, start thinking about marriage, start paying more attention to the emotional aspects of a relationship, and may even start to feel a bit guilty about the kinds of unbridled desire that you actually want. Basically, I "solved" the problem by pouncing on him at every opportunity. I stopped caring about who initiated sex; I just made it clear to him that while I wanted him to be caring and loving, I also wanted lots more X-rated things. We went from having sex in the dark under the covers once a week to doing it up to 4 times a day. I knew when he was pulling me into the garden shed at his parents' that I was doing something right.

Totally disagree with all the posters telling you to break up with him. IMO, you have a wonderful man, and you have more to gain by sticking with him and working through these issues.

LegacyUser

Wow, OP, you could be me. With my partner 3 years, I always had the higher sex drive but every now and again this subject comes up. I too have tried everything - iniciating, not iniciating, dressing up, middle of the night, leaving it until he iniciates etc etc - but this time I think our relationship is coming to an end. Even typing this its not sinking in but unlike your bf OP mine isn't affectionate anymore. He doesn't cuddle often, kissing is a thing for saying hello and goodbye and no more.

We haven't had sex in 2 weeks (not long I hear you say), and I won't say I don't have a problem with it cos I do but I'm so sick of talking about it and getting nowhere. I wouldn't feel so rejected if he was being affectionate in other ways but hes not. I thought maybe we just needed a good night out together but when we got home he feigned sickness and that was the end of that. The next morning he hopped out of bed without turning and having a kiss and a cuddle, obviously afraid he'd have to have sex.

I actually can't talk with him about this anymore cos it never gets resolved. I really don't know what to do. In every other aspect our relationship is perfect. I don't know what to do.

CDfm

Oh holy god. I would disregard most of what is here. If someone has a lot of stress in their life it affects libido and finishing college ,first job etc all qualify for that. Dehydradion can be factor too. It can be a symptom of other medical conditions.

The best advice is that he go for a medical check up and stop stressing about it.

Miller Boy

CDfm wrote: »

Oh holy god. I would disregard most of what is here. If someone has a lot of stress in their life it affects libido and finishing college ,first job etc all qualify for that. Dehydradion can be factor too. It can be a symptom of other medical conditions.

The best advice is that he go for a medical check up and stop stressing about it.

I agree with CDfm, though I don't put it that bluntly. We men are affected sometimes by all of what he refers to and it does effect libido. OP, maybe he just needs to work through whatever is going on with him. Hopefully it'll all work out.