Short story

corriblight

Hi..

This is my first attempt at a short story. I originally tried to make it a poem but it didn't work out. Constructive criticism is most welcome..


A Date



I arrive half an hour early to suss the place out and find somewhere decent to sit. The barman looks a little bit annoyed to see me. I’ve probably disturbed his Sunday evening, sit and watch telly, laze time. The bar is empty but for the two of us. I order a pint and take a seat by the window, so as to gaze out at the busy street.

One hour later, and I am half tipsy. The door creaks open and in walks Linda. I vaguely remember having made this arrangement a week from yesterday. She is wearing blue jeans, a white top and sandals. She nods and says hello, almost inaudibly.
‘Would you like something to drink?’ I say.
‘Just a tapwater for me, thanks.’

I annoy the barman again with my request. When I get back to the table with the pint glass of water and menus, I see that Linda has rooted a naggin of whiskey out of her bag and is sucking on it. I don’t comment. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to say? She gives me a sly wink.

Linda is very pretty. She has jet black hair and pallid skin. The night I kissed her, she gave me the impression that she was confident and that she picked up on my social ineptness and was okay with it. I came to this date thinking that she would be able to pull me out of myself, get the conversion going and that I would just have to say a few things here and there and everyone would be happy.

Not a word crosses the table as we wait for our grub. She sits still, pulling out the bottle now and again for a swig. It reminds me of being alone in a hayshed with a girl years ago. Our friends locked us into it and said we weren’t allowed out unless we kissed for 20 seconds. Both of us pretended that we were disgusted by the idea in the fear that the other didn’t want it.

It is a relief when the food arrives. I think it might give something to talk about. But my mind argues that this silence is too sacred to break so I keep my mouth shut. The barman had switched the television off and was standing at the bar, reading a magazine. Every noise of cutting and chewing fills the room. It is like a walk in the countryside on a pitch, black night when the sense of hearing is much sharper.

I savage my meal as though I will never get to eat again. I look over and see she has a long way to go. It makes me very nervous to sit here doing nothing while she is eating. I am well tipsy now but none the better to speak. So I just sit there watching her eating as though she were a movie. I feel unease in my stomach. ****ing hell, she is so pretty. SAY SOMETHING YOU MUZZLED FREAK is all that rattles through my head.

She responds to my gawking with a loud guffaw. It stings my eardrum and travels right down to my stomach and turns it. The food that was just on the table a few minutes ago is now back on the table again along a few bits of those carroty things that are always in vomit. There is no way to redeem this. I leave money on the table to cover the food and walk out the door without so much as looking at her. And I never see her again.

pickarooney

The piece is very good, if a little short. It could use some paragraph breaks and the tense jumps about a bit, starting with "It was a relief when..." and back again at "I savage my meal".

corriblight

Hi Pickarooney,

Thanks for pointing that out. After describing the bit from childhood, I weirdly got stuck in the past tense. I did proof-read but failed to notice the error. I have much to learn.

pickarooney

I savage my meal as though I would never get to eat again

And I never saw her again

For the sake of completeness, these should be 'will' and 'see' respectively. It might seem strange to use the present in the last line when you're stating a fact about the time period following the story, but...

corriblight

pickarooney wrote: »

I savage my meal as though I would never get to eat again

And I never saw her again

For the sake of completeness, these should be 'will' and 'see' respectively. It might seem strange to use the present in the last line when you're stating a fact about the time period following the story, but...

You are totally right and I apologise for making you have to point it out to me. There is no excuse other than carelessness. Anyway, this is an early draft. I started writing it ages ago as a poem and it really annoyed me. I got the motivation to write it as a story but it will need to be longer, I think. I intend to develop the characters a little more. I already see a number of places where this could be improved. Anyway, thanks a lot for the help..

Outburst

I arrive half an hour early to suss the place out and find somewhere decent to sit. The barman looks a little bit annoyed to see me. I’ve probably disturbed his Sunday evening, sit and watch telly, laze time. The bar is empty but for the two of us. I order a pint and take a seat by the window, so as to (gazeout) -> gaze out at the busy street.

Pretty sure this should be split.

The points about the tenses seem to make good sense.

It's a decent story. You should look into editing it, perhaps several times. Every edit should see it a little better. Then leave it for a week or two (maybe start something new) and edit it again. Good luck : )

corriblight

Outburst wrote: »

Pretty sure this should be split.

Yep, you are right, thanks for that and the advice..

Scarlet Alex

I really wanted to give you some positive feedback. I thought your story flowed really well. It was funny, and I thought you did a great job of setting the scene. The only criticism I have is that I felt that it ended too quickly, and I think that you should have an alternative ending. You had some great little turns of phrase like "...watching her eating as though she were a movie". Although tenses and grammar are indeed important, you can learn all that, so don't worry too much. You have a great knack for story telling. I think you have a natural talent.

corriblight

Scarlet Alex wrote: »

I really wanted to give you some positive feedback. I thought your story flowed really well. It was funny, and I thought you did a great job of setting the scene. The only criticism I have is that I felt that it ended too quickly, and I think that you should have an alternative ending. You had some great little turns of phrase like "...watching her eating as though she were a movie". Although tenses and grammar are indeed important, you can learn all that, so don't worry too much. You have a great knack for story telling. I think you have a natural talent.

Hi Scarlet Alex,
Thank for the encouraging comments which I greatly appreciate. I will get around to expanding on this and perhaps bring more in it in time but I have put it aside for the moment..