husband cheating via text

LegacyUser

Long story short, been married 2 years. Career wise i have been extremely busy building a future for myself and my husband. To be honest, i have spent quite a bit of last year working late on projects. On the other hand my husband has been given a free reign to golf, socialise etc. Two months ago i borrowed my husband's phone to make a call (i had left my phone in the car and was too lazy to go get it) and he became quite nervous when he handed the phone to me. Alarm bells rang! As i walked out of the room to make my call i looked at his messages. (wrong i know) I found a message on the phone that he sent saying "sorry about the coverage, give you a ring after work xxx" He received a message saying "Hope your belly is full now. Talk after work. xxxxxxx" In all the time i've been with my husband i trusted him implicitly. In fact i could never imagine him hurting me. Needless to say my world has been turned upside down. As i walked out of the room he appeared at the door saying i looked pale and was i ok? I nervously tried to get past him as all i wanted to do was run out of the house. i walked and he followed, i screamed and said 'how could u?'. He more or less tried to make out that the messages weren't his. I ran and he followed me. He eventually admitted that he met this girl on a holiday and that they had been in contact since.(8 months) They met for lunch 5 times and she tried to kiss him once and that he kissed her for a minute but realised that it was wrong and that they texted every day chatting about things e.g. her relationship with her boyfriend, work, common interests etc. I looked at his bills online with his permission and they confirmed they texted up to 20 times a day and rang 4 times daily, talking for between 15-60 mins. He contacted her when i went to bed (exhausted after long hours) and when my back was turned. I rang girl in question 10 minutes after finding texts and her story matches completely with my husband's. I spoke calmly to her and asked her to be honest with me. I told her not to contact my husband again. She hasn't yet. I covered it all up but constantly questioned my husband about whether he fancied her, liked her, thought she was good looking and why he did it. His answers were that he liked the contact and got into a routine texting etc, that he didn't fancy her and that she wasn't good looking and that he didn't know why it happened. I'm still in this house and i'm hurt and i'm scared. My husband spent 2 weeks apologising, acting the way a husband who wants to hold onto his wife should etc but then his grandfather passed away and i supported him emotionally as they were very close. He shows me his phone constantly, there has been no contact in 2 months. He says that i keep bringing it up and that i need to move on. i think about the situation 24/7. I love my husband, always have. I trusted him implicitly and now everything is ruined. i'm paranoid, have sad eyes, tired, lonely, vulnerable and i don't know what to do. Up to now i've done nothing, i've told no-one. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i'll ever trust him again. i don't know why it happened and i'm terrified that something like this could happen again. Help!

unattendedbag

This is a serious post and a serious situation and im afraid of giving any sort of advice that might screw up your marriage. The impresion I get from reading your post is that you still love your husband and you have a desire to move on from what happened and eventually forget about it. So why not try it. As for the paranoia, its a very hard thing to overcome. Really the only thing stopping something like this happening again is your husbands commitment. If you want your marriage to work then move on and try to forgive and rebuild, and if it happens again then at least you know where you stand then.

Kicks

Look I don't want to put things in your head but something that jumps out is him saying he doesn't fancy her yet why then would he put kisses at the end of the text messages? If it's a mutual friendly thing then I don't see the need for kisses.

Also, she tried to kiss him, regardless of whether he fancies her the fact seems that she fancies him - and he knows this given her attempt, if it was just a friendly thing then he'd have been pretty straight with that and to reiterate the first point, he wouldn't have let the text kisses continue at all.

Him saying you keep bringing it up I think is out of line, sorry but if I did something like that and cared about you getting secure again I'd let you bring it up 24/7 and not be telling you to get over it. If things were the other way around I'd bet he'd be exactly like you, asking questions and wanting to be reassured.

Not being on his side but, how often are you away from home? A relationship requires both parties to be present for it to be a relationship. If you're so busy with work the guy might have missed some female contact so this is what happened. I'm not condoning it in any way but the whole work/relationship/lifestyle thing is something myself and my girlfriend have discussed already and we've agreed we will not become workaholics staying late at work because our relationship is more important to us and we are well aware of what can happen if work takes over. If you've been away building this career for yourself, well then this sort of thing happens from my knowledge of other relationship within my friend and family circles - those I know who are busy with work are the ones in unhappy relationships.

I know you put it in terms of you building a future for you and your husband, but what about the present? If your not there (and it would work the other way) the guy might have been lonely. This is not to say it is your fault though, not in any way, if he felt this sort of thing was starting he should have discussed the fact that he was missing having you around and that he was finding it difficult.

He kissed her back for a minute, well then he has cheated on you, no question. You're thinking about it 24/7 - do you see this changing? Are you enjoying life with him as much as you think you should? It's 2 months on and it's still there in your head. If the trust is gone then my personal opinion is the relationship is gone, trust is like the keystone in a relationship and if it's gone then the bridge will fall eventually. You need to look at your husbands REASONS why this happened, if the reasons are that you were away at work all the time and you're still planning on building this future by staying late at work all the time then to me you're just doomed to have it all repeated.

Some may say you'll eventually get over it, which of course may be 100% true but that's something that will always have to be your thoughts and decision on it.

sugardan

I'm a man and theres no way i'd text a woman twenty times a day if i didn't fancy her.
your husband sounds like a complete and utter b*stard. i think you deserve much better
working so hard etc, the least you can expect in a marraige is loyalty. I'm sure you still
love him maybe counselling would help at the end of the day it's going to be difficult and i really feel for you. The woman he was with is nothing more than a tramp so don't worry
about whether or not shes good looking. Hope it all works out for you OP

Memnoch

OP - I really feel for you. It's terrible that you have to deal with this messy and difficult situation through no fault of your own, it's unfair. You seem like a great gal that ANY guy would be LUCKY to have.

As per usual on this forum you're going to have overreactions from people who's solution to every relationship problem seems to be to cut and run. I'm not saying that that's not an option, but it's not the only option and IMO certainly not THE option.

One thing is true, this won't be easy. What your husband did was undoubtedly very wrong and a serious betrayal. But the fact that he clearly had opportunity to sleep with this woman and didn't shows some measure of restraint on his part and shows that deep down he probably does care for you and doesn't want to hurt you.

But the fact is that he HAS hurt you, badly. The first thing you have to decide is if you feel that this relationship is important enough for you to salvage, because from what I've read I feel it CAN be salvaged. Part of this is going to require forgiveness on your part and sincerity on his. It will definitely require counselling as well. It's important to understand why he behaved the way he did, perhaps there are some underlying issues in the relationship that need to be explored between ye?

The other question is CAN you forgive him? Because if you can't, then despite your best efforts the mistrust will always be at the back of your mind and slowly but surely it will eat away at your relationship. It's his job to earn this trust back, but if you feel you don't have the capacity to be able to trust him ever again, even with counselling then that might very well be that.

So think about what you want. We are all human and make mistakes. You know your husband much better than us. Only you know if he is worth it to you to give a chance. But if you do want to give him a chance, you have to make it a proper chance, for the sake of your sanity and his.

There is no easy solution here, all roads are littered with obstacles. Look after yourself and your well being. And I hope you are able to come out of this stronger with or without him.

And remember, whatever happens, you deserve to be happy.

ash23

I can only give you my experience.

Found a text on partners phone. He said pretty much what your husband said. We decided to give it a try as I chse to believe him. Same thing though, he'd get defensive when I brought it up.
I also asked to see his phone bills to confirm he hadn't been texting a calling her.
We limped on for another year, me being paranoid, him being defensive.

In the end he left me for her. They had slept together a couple of times, even after I found out. He had been texting her the whole time, he bought a pay as you go phone which he kept hidden.

Your call but personally, I wish I'd gone as soon as the trust was gone.

Smallbit

Hi green and black, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship troubles and it does seem on the face of it that your husband has been underhand and dishonest with you. However a few of the things you said in your post make me think...

You say you were busy building a future for your you and your husband. Is that what he wants? did you both agree on a strategy? and if so, why does it leave him time to socialise, and not you?

You say he met this girl on a holiday, but where were you? do you holiday separately? as well as lead separate working and social lives?

You say he contacted her a lot after you went to bed exhausted. This smacks of martyrdom to be honest. Maybe you should ask yourself if you are unavailable to your husband much of the time because you are so busy building this future for both of you?

You need to speak openly with him and ask him if the relationship is working for him. If he can carry on what seems like a flirting relationship with another woman, he clearly must have reservations about his relationship with you.

I would not assume that just because you caught him, it won't happen again. If the pattern of your life does not change, or the reasons he felt able to do this, then it will probably happen again.

ems_12

As per Ash23, I had the same situation with an ex....found txts and he told me he had met up with girls etc.

I broke up with him, then wanted to be with him, so we talked it through and decided that he would change and that I would forgive.
The problem was that the trust was broken and from then on, he couldn't do anything right.....I had to check up on his phone all the time, and when I couldn't get in contact I thought the worst :rolleyes: when before all of that, we got on great and did our own things.
THIS CAN ONLY WORK IF YOU ARE ABLE TO FORGIVE AND MOVE ON (don't check his phone constantly, don't give him 20 questions every time he comes into the house).

I agree with smallbit, you have to have effort from both sides of a relationship - keep one or two nights free for date night, make sure you give him attention, etc.

Wagon

green and black wrote: »

His answers were that he liked the contact and got into a routine texting etc, that he didn't fancy her and that she wasn't good looking and that he didn't know why it happened.

Course he knows why it happened! You don't text someone 20 times a day and call them after your wife has gone to bed and meet up with them without telling anyone if you don't fancy them. Of course he did. It went on for 8 bloody months.

It's entirely up to you what to do. However i will say that if the trust has gone, you keep questioning him etc.. then get a divorce. No point continuing with somoene who cheated on you.

Sleepy

Just to play devil's advocate, it's possible he could have just been enjoying the attention and liked the girl.

By your own admission you were neglecting your relationship with you working such long hours and collapsing into bed when you got home / him off golfing and socialising etc.

I'm not defending him but to be fair, it doesn't sound like he was sleeping with her or anything like that. I've a close friend that's married who I'd text regularly enough and have never even met her husband. His career keeps him out of the country for months on end and she tends to get in contact alot when he's away (being home alone in the evenings). If we'd met when we were both single, I'd probably have pursued this girl and I get the feeling I wouldn't have been turned down but absolutely nothing untoward has ever happened between us. We're friends. Possibly could have been something else if the timing was different but we're both happy with other people.

At some point, if you're going to stay with him, you're going to have to forgive him or you'll wreck the marriage by bringing it up over and over again. You need to decide if you want your marriage or not. If not, go your separate ways but if you do still want to be married to him, you're going to have to leave this in the past. (See the sex and the city movie for the cliff notes version )