Don't know what to do about my friend. Worried.

liah

I've lived with one of my best friends for the last six months. He's never been in the best health, but this is the worst I've ever seen him.

He suffers from depression and refuses to be medicated for it. Socially he has a very bright, affectionate, loving personality. He's ridiculously smart and would do anything for anyone-- one of the best people you would ever meet. Privately, however, he has sunk into a depression that is bordering on dangerous.

He's always been skinny, but he usually eats at least a meal a day. Now he is beyond underweight; nearly at a Holocaust victim level. He has not eaten for at least three days that I know of, for two reasons: 1) I don't think he could be bothered to get off the couch (he sleeps there, he never leaves it) and 2) we have no food in the house and he couldn't be bothered to go out and buy any, if he does in fact have money left. I would feed him but funds are low and I'm not eating much myself.

Normally he's an avid smoker, averaging around 20 rollies a day. For the last 3 days, he's smoked maybe 3-5. I know this is better for him, but it still worries me as he's the type who goes a bit mental when he doesn't get his nicotine fix, for him not to be smoking is a major warning sign.

Another problem is money. He's on welfare and receives rent compensation. The issue is collecting it. He goes through spells where he doesn't leave the house for days. There seems to be an onset of agoraphobia and major paranoia. He avoids people during the day, asking me to tell whoever's at the door that he's not there with an unsettling fear in his eyes. Few people are allowed to call in. He completely freaks out if the door is left unlocked, even if only for five minutes. He's constantly ignoring phone calls. Anyway, an example of the money issue is the fact that if he actually collects it, he goes out for a full weekend (or longer) and spends it all on binge drinking and drugs. Mind, he'll go months without touching a drop or a dose. It's just binging, and it leaves him with no money to pay for rent, ESB, or food.

The last three days he just sits in the dark in the living room on the couch, asleep, not speaking to even me, one of the people he's closest to. It's gutwrenching for me to watch someone I care about shut down like this.

The issue with helping him is that he refuses to take it. He's a stubborn, strong-willed and very proud man, and any attempt to get him to get help is immediately shot down. Shouting at him won't do, casually hinting at him won't do, forcing him won't ever work. I think he needs to go on medication but he will refuse if the decision is his. He at least needs to go to the hospital. He is not well, mentally or physically. But I know it will never happen.

I've arranged for a few of his closest friends to call around tonight to try and get him to talk, but I have a feeling this won't end well at all and I'm nervous that he will think I've betrayed his trust by talking to others about how he is. It's a really awkward situation as I don't want to jeopardize our friendship or living situation, but it can't go on like this.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel completely helpless.

Denerick

1) Put your mental health first. Its natural that you want to help him, but don't get dragged down in the process.

2) Getting other friends to call round is a good idea. Make him go see a doctor. This sounds far too close to self destructive behaviour for my liking (And the paranoia you talk about could indicate a major depression. Major depressions generally have some element of pyschosis or delusional behaviour, so you really should get him checked by a doctor)

Ickle Magoo

I think you are right that you have to do something. It's one of those awful situations that if you do something you are the bad guy & if you leave it and something happens, you will never forgive yourself.

Perhaps you could have a word with your own GP and ask their advice, especially if your friend needs to be admitted to a mental health facility or given medication. If he can't see that the quality of his life has been so seriously affected and that now it is affecting yours then I think you have to call in outside help or move out.

Best of luck.

http://mentalhealthireland.ie/pressreleases/MHI_Accessing_mental_health.pdf

Danniboo

That's a horrible situation you and your friend are in. From your post I can see a number of things that would make anybody depressed.

1. He's on welfare and rent allowance. Has he recently lost a job?

2. You say he's very smart, so obviously point 1 would be very frustrating for him.

3. He goes on drink and drug binges, this would contribute to both the depression and the paranoia.

4. Smoking 20 rollies a day is not good for your physical health

All you can do is your best, and be there for your friend, you must remember though that you have your own life to live and deserve to do so without feeling bad or guilty because your friend is in a rut. Unfortunately if your friend won't accept help you can't really force him. If he has a serious mental illness they may be able to have him commited. Try and get him to eat encourage him to sleep in his bed and try and get him to some exercise, these are 3 main elements need to looked at in order to overcome depression.

beks101

I'm so sorry to hear about this Liah. It must be so upsetting to watch.

Like others have said, I think it is in his best interest if you seek help for him in whatever way you can. This will invariably mean to play 'bad cop' in his eyes, but as you've described, he is not in his right mind and is not going to see/care that you are doing it because he needs it.

I'm not sure how much help it's going to be having his friends call around. Number one, it might well overwhelm him and cause him to retreat further and number two, I think at this point it's medical intervention that's needed. Could you maybe get just one of them, maybe his closest friend in the group, to call over on their own instead, just to lessen the impact?
At least then you'll have additional support and won't have to take this on, on your own.

Does he have any family members/relatives etc that he is close to that you could confide in?

The next course of action worth considering is getting a GP in the area to make a house call. Again, prepare yourself for extreme hostility/aggravation/resentment on his end, but he sounds as though he needs it.

Might also be worth giving these guys a call:
Aware - 1890 303 302 / www.aware.ie