Building next to in laws

Polly701

I hope this is in the right forum.

My boyfriend has been gifted a fantastic site from his parents and we would love to build a house there.

Problem? I don't really get on with his mother. She would be living just down the road and she feels she know everything there is to know about building - (needless to say she doesn't). Since we said we would build she has already starting saying that we should only build a small house, not spend much money, design it a certian way, etc. She wants to sit in on Architects meetings, etc. I'm worried that she will drive us mad during the building process and living there after.

His parents gifted the site so I can't just tell her to get lost.

My boyfriend is more used to her and doesn't listen to her at all.

Has anyone got any advice?

sinnerboy

Does he have siblings ? If so they may in time stick the oar in . Again and again . Sorry to say this but my friend suffers the consequence of doing just this 10 years after ....

Yunalesca

My mother and father partook in the same situation when they were young.

Fine plot of land, next to my grandmother's house.

They split up when we were all still young (mostly) due to my grandmother's interfering. She had no life of her own and was constantly stuck in every decision my mother and father tried to make.

The words 'that is a bad idea' could possibly not facilitate your current situation.

If you two don't get on, I'd suggest moving as far away as possible. Perhaps you should sit down with your husband and see if there's any hope he'll see your point of view and help devise a plan to help you get more freedom.

Best of luck!

A country home

Polly701 wrote: »

I hope this is in the right forum.

My boyfriend has been gifted a fantastic site from his parents and we would love to build a house there.

Problem? I don't really get on with his mother. She would be living just down the road and she feels she know everything there is to know about building - (needless to say she doesn't). Since we said we would build she has already starting saying that we should only build a small house, not spend much money, design it a certian way, etc. She wants to sit in on Architects meetings, etc. I'm worried that she will drive us mad during the building process and living there after.

His parents gifted the site so I can't just tell her to get lost.

My boyfriend is more used to her and doesn't listen to her at all.

Has anyone got any advice?

walk away, , disaster. . .

its bloody hard enough building a house as it is. . .

mr_edge_to_you

OP,

That is a very tricky situation. Like yourself we are building on a great site that my better half got from her parents. Luckily I get on well with them. We have been living with them for the last 6 months as we can't afford to be paying a mortgage, saving for a wedding and paying rent. If you do proceed with the build I'd strongly advise that you don't move in with them. That will put a lot of stress in your relationship along with all the stress that goes with a house building project.

Unfortunately the person you need to talk to is your partner. If you start the building you are committing yourself to the house. The other side of the argument is if both of you are working well then you are in a position to say that without your input your partner would not be in a position to build the house at all.

All the best,

Mr_Edge

JuniorB

Look for a new boyfriend.. preferable with a nice mother that knows nothing about building and has a decent site !!

Bobbiblu

Hi Polly,

Obviously, it's your decision ultimately but if you love your boyfriend and are really mad about the site and see a future with both of them in it that doesn't drive you crazy!! then you're going to have to find a way (easier said than done I know!) to not let his mother get under your skin, because, if your boyfriend's mother is as involved in his life as you suggest then even if you don't build on this site chances are you're going to have to deal with her from time to time anyway. Once again, I know, it's easier said than done, but, if you can try to not take what his mother says about this and that, personally, it'll make life easier for you, by which I mean keep in mind she's not saying these things just to piss you off, or to suggest she know better than you do or that she knows what's better for "her son" than you do, in her mind she's probably just trying to "be helpful" in that most annoying maternal way.

I know this is a building matter but it's also about the dynamic between a mother and her son....and with respect you're possibly (like many wives/girlfriends) on the periphery...you say he just ignores what she says and that possibly just makes her think she can continue to say anything she wants to, she can continue to "mammy" him...she probably doesn't even realise she's upsetting you...but for what it's worth I think there is a way around this but I think for everyone's sake it should be her son who lets her know (in the most gentle way possible) that IF you decide to build then it's going to be YOUR or even HIS home (if you don't mind him just telling her that to start with) and it's going to be you two (or him) who will make all the decisions but you'll keep her posted as to progress or maybe even say you'll seek her advice when you're stuck, that way she'll still feel involved even though in reality she may not be & this way at least you'll feel like you have a wee bit of control over her input...but let her down gently yet firmly (if that's possible) to avoid any major drama 'cos she is his mother after all and no matter how annoying her "help" is, I'd imagine she's only got (she believes) his best interests at heart...

If you think that all of the above is a load of crap then I suggest

JuniorB wrote: »

Look for a new boyfriend.. preferable with a nice mother that knows nothing about building and has a decent site !!

Best of luck with whatever you decide Polly

Penn

You need to talk to your boyfriend about her. He'd know the best way of handling the situation. While its great that they gave you a site to build on, and I know you're probably very grateful, that doesn't give her the right to sit in on architects meetings and the like. I think a gentle word from your boyfriend will ease things a lot better than if you said it to her.

While you both can't tell her to get lost, just tell her that her suggestions are good, you'll say that to the architect and see what he thinks about them, and the architect will help come up with a design that suits your needs with what you want in it. Say that if she was in the architect meeting, the architect would be less likely to listen to her because she won't be living in the house, but if you gave her suggestions to the architect yourself, it'll come across better. Plus, the fewer people in the meeting, the less chance of confusion amongst all the parties involved about the design.

Ask her for her suggestions so you can say them to the architect, if you don't like them, don't tell the architect, then just tell her the architect suggested something different and said it'd be better. That way you're keeping her involved so she'll be less likely to butt in by herself.

And I mean that either he or both of you together should say these things to her. If it's just you it might come across wrong. Get your boyfriend involved. Like I said, he's more used to her. So even though he probably just ignores her most of the time, once you get him involved he should be able to communicate these things better with her.

Building a house can be very stressful. While my suggestion may not be the most ideal for you (you'll still have to put up with her making suggestions, make her feel like she's involved etc), everyone is more likely to be happy and it should help limit the stress.

Good luck OP

Ickle Magoo

Honestly? I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

It's really stressful building a house at the best of time and keeping a relationship/marriage ticking over is no mean feat without deliberately setting up a couple of hundred yards from his interfering mother.

If she thinks by gifting the site that she has free range to put her oar in when building, imagine when you are living there and she's telling you how to decorate it, calling around all the time, commenting on everything - seriously, I'd rather pay for our own site or buy or rent than risk my relationship for the sake of building our own. :eek:

deisemum

I think no matter what ye do is only going to be the start of hassle one way or the other.

Just because they've given ye a site it could result in ye paying for it and paying for it dearly in other ways over the years. Sounds like just because they've given ye the site that she thinks she's a right to stick her oar in. Ye haven't even built the house yet and are only at the very early stages of getting plans drawn and already she's sticking the oar in. Whatever about offering suggestions to the size and design there's no harm in that unless she's getting very pushy over it but to expect to sit in at the architect's appointments is making an ejeet of your boyfriend as if he's such a gobsh1te that he cannot do something without his mammy.

Then think further down the line if you get past the house building, then you've got to expect that you'll probably be living in a fish bowl, no doubt dropping in whenever it suits her. The real fun could potentially take on a new dimension if you have children.

I think your boyfriend needs to have a word with her and tell her she's got to back off and he should do it before ye even go as far as getting the plans drawn. If he's not able to do that then you should see that as only the start of what's to come. Personally I wouldn't be able to live like that. She's either giving the plot freely as a loving parent who wants to help her son or she's giving it with a manipulative hold over her son, that's not what an adult child should expect from a loving parent.

I've seen so many posts on various sites where people mostly women are complaining of interfering mother in laws, some are very frank in expressing their regret at living near their inlaws.

LegacyUser

Be very very careful!!
We almost fell into this trap and boy am I glad we did not!! BF "having a word" in my experience will not work. You said he can ignore her so most likely he will not want to confront anything like this, and if he does this once will he want ot be constantly doing it?

We live nowhere near our inlaws right now but my OH has the ability to completely ignore MIL and I do not! It causes stress and she is miles away

NEVER underestimate the cunning of the M.I.L!!

kmick

Tell your other half to grow a pair and tell his mother to butt out. Otherwise you are doomed. Sites next to parents are a poison chalice in my opinion. Otherwise you will find when your mother in law is sitting iin the connservatory she designed (yours), and making tea in her dream kitchen (yours) you might be a tad angry.

Miaireland

What a horrible position to be in. To be honest J wouldn't touch the site. I have friends in similar situations and it is causing huge problems.

seahorse

kmick wrote: »

Tell your other half to grow a pair and tell his mother to butt out. Otherwise you are doomed.

+ 1

That's the only way forward here if you are going to live on that site. It's none of her business what size/shape/design/style of house you build and if she's sticking her nose in at this stage before even a single brick has been laid can you imagine what's coming at you down the line? :eek:

No way in hell would I go into that situation without the mother in law being very firmly told to butt out.

sedona23

OP
Came across this situation before with a friend and not me TG. They were gifted the site and "received advise" in the building. As per your post they were advised to build a small house. Similiar scenario to your situation. Anyway half way through the build it turned out the the mother in law wanted a nice new small house for herself and insisted that they swap
the houses. It was a nightmare.....
Sounds very similar..be careful

LegacyUser

I suggest you walk away. Building a house alone is extremely stressful. The best of marriages can be strained to the limits with this, I have seen it before with family.

You will have to compromise with your OH on matters of cost and design and he will have to compromise with you. Having a THIRD person in on the compromise is nothing short of disaster.

This is YOUR house, to be built the way YOU want it built (in conjunction with OH obv) and absolutely, totally none of her business.

Telling her politely to fook off with herself and mind her own business is not an option, because you will still have to live beside her for the rest of your days (or at least for the rest of hers). Go elsewhere, be your own person.

Sitting in on architects meetings like? FFS!

Walk. Disaster painted on this with neon paint, girl.

ConsiderThis

Why can't you sell the site and buy another sire elsewhere with the money?

I have known people who have done this and it often ended up putting a huge strain on the marriage, if not in separation.

Some mothers are not able to stop themselves interfering, and even if there is a suspicion of this then the risks you take, if you proceed to build on her site, seems to be not worth it.

Get as far away from the woman as possible. You don't want to rear a family, with someone like that living on top of you.

ConsiderThis

ConsiderThis wrote: »

Why can't you sell the site and buy another sire elsewhere with the money?

I can't imagine selling a piece of the family farm, is going to go down well at all.

LegacyUser

Whatever about the site, do not let her in on any of the meetings. Build a house for yourselves not for her. And be very very clear that you are the ones making decisions not her. She does not need to be in on any meetings. Why would she? The Architect knows what he's doing, and you guys know what you want, so her input is not required. She won't be living there. I work in the building industry and believe me.....too many cooks. The less people making the final decisions the better. And one other thing - people who think they know everything on building sites are the ones who know nothing and tend to be the source of many (costly) problems and decision changes.

Imposter

Get the bf to ask the mother what basic rules she wants for the new house, basically regarding style, size of house, etc. Get the bf to explain to the mother that outside of these basic points you will be designing the house yourselves. Once you get these thoughts from the mother then decide with the bf whether you want to go ahead with building the house or not!

Remember that they are giving you a site, so I think agreement as to how the house should look (from the outside) is fair enough to discuss with the mother as they have to live next door to you! The design of the inside of the house should have nothing to do with the mother.

bSlick

Imposter wrote: »

Get the bf to ask the mother what basic rules she wants for the new house, basically regarding style, size of house, etc. Get the bf to explain to the mother that outside of these basic points you will be designing the house yourselves. Once you get these thoughts from the mother then decide with the bf whether you want to go ahead with building the house or not!

Eh, the mother should have absolutely zero input into this couple's house. It is none of her business at all and they are the ones who are going to have to live in it for the next 50 years. The mother sounds bad enough as it is and asking her what her 'rules' are is completely playing into her hands and encouraging her.

Remember that they are giving you a site, so I think agreement as to how the house should look (from the outside) is fair enough to discuss with the mother as they have to live next door to you! The design of the inside of the house should have nothing to do with the mother.

That's the precise problem that people have been mentioning here. This mother who likes to interfere in her son's relationship will think she has an actual right to dictate to them how they live as they 'owe' her for the site. The design of the inside and the outside of a couple's house should have nothing to do with either person's parents.

If this mother was a decent person I think it would be fine for the you to take the site and build there, however, being the way she is, I think it would be a terrible idea to accept as you will have this woman who you don't get on with living down the road and constantly dropping in and telling you what to do and how you should be living your life. I personally would never set myself up for such a disastrous situation.

LegacyUser

polly
i have been in exactly your situation, at the time i thought free site great! lovely area lovely view, but the relationship between me and mother in law was very strained but i thought for a free site il put up with the wagon and after her many comments about oh il be able to drop in and do this, that and the other i stopped and thought this woman gives me palpatations ffs why wud i wana live next to her! after a long think about it we politly said no thanks.
poision chalice surley because however bad she was back then the interference only tripled when we had our first child, i was so glad i was a few miles away from her as the woman thought it was her baby!
instead we bought a smaller afforadble house 10km away from her and i often think what a lucky escape i had because over the years she has got steadily worse.
women like that never change. for the sake of your relationship say no.
best of luck

barbiegirl

In our family we had the situation where both my older brothers were gifted sites and built on them. In the begining it needed both my sister and I, and my dad to explain to Mammy that she couldn't just call in at any time, but that she had to stick to normal country rules, as in not during meal times, at weekends, never before 11am, never after 9pm etc.
It's worked and in fairness both my sisters in law drop down to Mammy every day and appreciate her help with the kids.
She wasn't similar to this one though. She never butted in on the design, though she did want them both to have smaller mortgages so if things went bad the houses would be safe. But she's like that with us all.
She has also never butted in on marital issues and whenever she has commented to one of us about something, she comes down on the girls side more often that the boys. parenting is left to the parents because she enjoys being Nanny.
I'd say sit down first with your boyfriend and establish whether this is his house or the house for both of you. That is very important. Then if it is for both of you, sit down with his mum and ask her how her relationship with her mother in law was at the begining. Explain that you want you both to be great friends but that means that she has to respect some boundaries and that as time goes that friendship will develop. I've always found being sincere and straight to be the best way forward.
If she doesn't appreciate where you are coming from, then run. Maybe she's not as nice as my Ma, but sure we all think that :-)

skooterblue

unregisteredude wrote: »

I suggest you walk away. Building a house alone is extremely stressful. The best of marriages can be strained to the limits with this, I have seen it before with family.

Having a THIRD person in on the compromise is nothing short of disaster.

This is YOUR house, to be built the way YOU want it built (in conjunction with OH obv) and absolutely, totally none of her business.

Go elsewhere, be your own person.

Sitting in on architects meetings like? FFS!

Walk. Disaster painted on this with neon paint, girl.

All it is is a piece of land. Site can be picked up easily now. This wont be ye'er HOUSE it should be ye'er HOME. The only possible solution would be to return the gift. Its going to be hard and it is going to cause upset for a while rather than be upsetting your self and your husband for the next 30 odd years .... or shorter. I had to tell my father that I didnt want to build on the edge of the farm cos mam would drive my girlfriend nuts. If not your mother will own ye and hang it over your girlfriend.

Go do the sensible thing dont live up against in laws. get ye'er own space or find a place and make a fresh start. Land is only the price of agricultural land there has never been a better time to buy. Dont think of it as spending an extra 40k on a site think of it as buying a more peaceful future.

RustyBeanTin

I have a mate who got married and built a house with his wife on a site beside her parents house that they gave to them, he tells me that his father in law is fine but the mother in law is always over in their house like it is her own, always giving her opinion on how they should be doing things, it pisses him off that he cant even walk around his own house in his boxers cause he never will know when the old c**t will walk through the door

get out of there!

If I have children and i behave like that when they are grown up and married, i give my full permission to shoot me in the head.

oil painting

Hi OP, I think you need to have a conversation with your partner and find out how conditional this decision is going to be, this could be the biggest decision of your future, you need to be selfish here, if she is interfering now then she will in the future, they sound like they will think they own you by you accepting the site and also they may still feel it is their land, i feel that unless they are giving the site unconditionally then dont go there.

Is your partner supportive toward you about how his mother is with you, you need to have all this explored is it ok for you to say to him no i dont want to make this decision?