To move back in or not?

LegacyUser

Myself and ex split a year ago. I moved out due to his cheating. We have a child who is 8.

I've been struggling financially. He can only afford basic maintenance as he is paying the whole mortgage on the family home alone. I pay rent for a private house.

He has asked me to move back in and for financial reasons I want to.
However there is no love lost between us, we are barely amicable though when we have to be we can be.
He is with one of the girls he cheated with and she practically lives there.

One part of me is saying "NO WAY" for my own sake as well as my childs.

The other part is thinking about the mounting bills, the struggle to feed and clothe the child and the lack of any available money for anything. I haven't had my hair cut in over 6 months, my clothes are falling apart literally and social life is non existant. Can't do anything without fretting over money. My car is on its last legs. Probably shouldn't even be on the road and I'm scared of getting caught but I need it to get to work.

By moving back in between sharing mortgage and bills being divided, I'd be about 400 per month better off which would make a big difference to my life.
I was thinking of doing it for a while and then moving out again when I'd saved up some money.

What do you think?

TheBlock

What sort of message will this be sending to your 8 year old. As far as they are concernerd Mammy and Daddy are back together and if this turns out not to be the case whatever progress they have made in coming to terms with your breakup will be undone and may lead to severe issues.

If you can't see any hope of a reconcilliation I wouldn't do it.

LegacyUser

TheBlock wrote: »

What sort of message will this be sending to your 8 year old. As far as they are concernerd Mammy and Daddy are back together and if this turns out not to be the case whatever progress they have made in coming to terms with your breakup will be undone and may lead to severe issues.

If you can't see any hope of a reconcilliation I wouldn't do it.

There is no hope of a reconciliation. But financially I just can't keep going the way things are. I suggested selling some things of value from the house in order to keep going without having to move back in but he claims anything of value is his. (He paid for "stuff" in the house, I paid for things like towels, sheets, clothes, childcare etc so have nothing of value to sell.

I was planning on explaining to our child in very clear terms that it was not a reconciliation. It would be obvious anyway as his girlfriend would be there a lot and we'd be in separate bedrooms. He has also said he will move the tv into his room so we wouldn't be spending evenings together either.

Danniboo

TheBlock wrote: »

What sort of message will this be sending to your 8 year old. As far as they are concernerd Mammy and Daddy are back together and if this turns out not to be the case whatever progress they have made in coming to terms with your breakup will be undone and may lead to severe issues.

If you can't see any hope of a reconcilliation I wouldn't do it.

+1 Even more so because of the fact Little Miss Loose Knickers will be staying there the whole time this will be a toxic environment and your child will not like it if she's staying there.

I can't believe you moved out of the family home with your child after her cheated, he should have left and let you stay there. You could have rented a room out. Is the house in both your names could you not look into this.

mood

He could rent out the spare rooms in the family home to get extra money to support him child.

You could have kicked him out of the house and let him rent.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

I can't believe you moved out of the family home with your child after her cheated, he should have left and let you stay there. You could have rented a room out. Is the house in both your names could you not look into this.

He was fighting me on who had to move out. Renting a room wouldn't have covered enough of the mortgage for me to be able to pay the balance at the time (interest rates were a lot higher at the time). He could afford to pay the mortgage in full, i couldn't. I just hadn't the energy to fight anymore so I left.
Even now I'd need to rent out two rooms and have the child sleep in with me in order to live there without him.

I just can't see a way out anymore.
I can't juggle the bills anymore. I'm robbing peter to pay paul, avoiding phone calls from banks, living paycheck to paycheck.
He claims he has no money because of mortgage and yet he's off to florida in a few weeks.
I've been to a solicitor but ex is self emplyed and his tax returns are dodgy and claim he is earning next to nothing but he's doing jobs on the side I'd say.
No proof though so can't do anything about it.

Taltos

Or you can get a court order to sell the house and share the proceeds.

AnonoBoy

There must be another way.

If you and he are barely amicable when you only see each other now and then imagine what it will become if you live in the same house again and the girl he cheated on you with is there most of the time? Madness and definitely not a healthy situation for a child to be reared in.

If you're living alone could you possibly find a friend who would share a place with you to cut down on rent? Or have your ex rent out the room and give you the money to pay for child support.

kenbrady

Moving back into the house is a good idea. Because when things get nasty you will have a claim to the house.
Did you start legal separation proceedings ?
Are you getting social welfare as a single parent ?

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Or you can get a court order to sell the house and share the proceeds.

The house is up for sale since we split but has had no viewings.

anonoboy wrote:

If you're living alone could you possibly find a friend who would share a place with you to cut down on rent? Or have your ex rent out the room and give you the money to pay for child support

He is "looking" for a tenant but still claims he won't be able to afford it when he gets one.
I live in a 2bed place.
No single mates want to share with kids and no friends with kids are single. Typical.

kenbrady wrote:

Moving back into the house is a good idea. Because when things get nasty you will have a claim to the house.
Did you start legal separation proceedings ?
Are you getting social welfare as a single parent ?

I insisted on drawing up a legal agreement when I moved out which protects my interest in the house until it sells. We did this via a solicitor.

We weren't married.
I get FIS as I work full time.

Danniboo

movein? wrote: »

He was fighting me on who had to move out. Renting a room wouldn't have covered enough of the mortgage for me to be able to pay the balance at the time (interest rates were a lot higher at the time). He could afford to pay the mortgage in full, i couldn't. I just hadn't the energy to fight anymore so I left.
Even now I'd need to rent out two rooms and have the child sleep in with me in order to live there without him.

I just can't see a way out anymore.
I can't juggle the bills anymore. I'm robbing peter to pay paul, avoiding phone calls from banks, living paycheck to paycheck.
He claims he has no money because of mortgage and yet he's off to florida in a few weeks.
I've been to a solicitor but ex is self emplyed and his tax returns are dodgy and claim he is earning next to nothing but he's doing jobs on the side I'd say.
No proof though so can't do anything about it.

What a p****k. He cheats and then would rather see his wife and child renting than living in the family home. If you lived there and paid half the mortgage and it's in both your names he can't just kick you out go and see about selling your house and splitting the proceeds seriously it's madness if you do nothing about this. With the way things are now you might be able to get a mortgage on a cheaper place and rent a room or something.

themadchef

Have to say if i were in your shoes i'd run a mile from the idea for alot of reasons. Forgeting for a minute about the emotional effect this will have on you if you go through with it(i know you will put your kid first and not worry about how you are feeling).

So, this may free up a few shillings every month but at what real cost? Can only imagine the atmosphere when you and your daughter walk in after a long day to possibly find your ex and his current gf curled up on the couch, or try explaining those noises that go bang in the night if you know what i mean....or you watch him spending money that could be spent better elsewhere in your opinion, minefield.

Edit: We posted at kinda similar timies so i didint get to read it till now.

If a house isint selling and you really want shut of it (depending on how much equity i suppose you have in it) lower the price, you will sell it just not for the amount you both were going to be happy with.

You moving back in with him might change the way SW see things with regard to FIS. Though you are no longer a couple you will be sharing bills and living in the family home so i'd certainly get that checked if i were you.

Best of luck.

MIN2511

This is only temporarily until you find your feet, i suggest you should move in with him.

His holiday entitlement is not your business; if you cannot meet up with your monthly expenses and you're 'borrowing from Peter to pay Paul' then you've got no choice.

Sharing the house means there's gotta be rules.

Wurly

MIN2511 wrote: »

This is only temporarily until you find your feet, i suggest you should move in with him.

His holiday entitlement is not your business; if you cannot meet up with your monthly expenses and you're 'borrowing from Peter to pay Paul' then you've got no choice.

Sharing the house means there's gotta be rules.

How long til she finds her feet though and what kinda atmosphere will the child experience during all of this?

That would be my worry, not least the fact of what you're putting yourself through.

I echo the above posters that said that there has to be another way. I really don't think this is it.

In order to get on your feet again, you need as much mental strength as you can muster. Do you think that living with your ex and the girl he cheated on you with will help this? Remember you need this strength to be strong not only for you but also for your child.

Mental health always comes first in my book. I don't think anything is worth putting yourself through the torture of this living situation.

Can you learn a new skill or build on the skills you have to even do nixers outside of your day job?

MIN2511

Trí wrote: »

How long til she finds her feet though and what kinda atmosphere will the child experience during all of this?

That would be my worry, not least the fact of what you're putting yourself through.

I echo the above posters that said that there has to be another way. I really don't think this is it.

In order to get on your feet again, you need as much mental strength as you can muster. Do you think that living with your ex and the girl he cheated on you with will help this? Remember you need this strength to be strong not only for you but also for your child.

Mental health always comes first in my book. I don't think anything is worth putting yourself through the torture of this living situation.

Can you learn a new skill or build on the skills you have to even do nixers outside of your day job?

I understand your point Tri; she cannot afford her sanity financially.

If things get so bad and she cannot afford to feed her child what will she do? Pride comes before a fall, she said she would be €400 better off each month than she is. As she is she's constantly worrying about her finances, cannot look after herself(no hair cut in 6months), how's she going to move on if she cannot even socialise?


Living with him may be difficult but it could work

TheBlock

How much rent are you currently paying and can you find somewhere cheaper? Have you looked as there are a lot of empty apartments around do you need a house? Can you move in with parents/family till you get back on your feet?

I really think that what you and your child will go through emotionally/mentally will by far overshadow your potential savings of €400 a month. I know this is probably out of order but is there anyway to guilt him into paying somemore child maintenance are you close to any of his faily members or the childs grandparents? Could you let them know the situation?

LegacyUser

TheBlock wrote: »

How much rent are you currently paying and can you find somewhere cheaper? Have you looked as there are a lot of empty apartments around do you need a house? Can you move in with parents/family till you get back on your feet?

I really think that what you and your child will go through emotionally/mentally will by far overshadow your potential savings of €400 a month. I know this is probably out of order but is there anyway to guilt him into paying somemore child maintenance are you close to any of his faily members or the childs grandparents? Could you let them know the situation?

I'm renting a 2 bed cottage in a small town. Apartments in town centre are more expensive.
He refuses to pay more maintenance. Solicitor has advised I wouldn't get any more by dragging it through court as on paper he looks broke. Things may change when house sells but until then thats all I can get out of him.

His mother has offered me money before but her assh0le son is not her problem. I know things are tight for her too. She's separated and has a mortgage etc.

She insists on helping when I told her about the suggestion as she feels that it would be a bad idea for me to move back in with him for everyones sake. I said it wasn't her problem and she said it was her grandchild and she'd do whatever it took to make sure the child was ok. But i'd say me getting money off his mother would leave me open to the usual crap from ex. He has huge hangups about money and thinks every woman is a gold digger.

TheBlock

movein? wrote: »

His mother has offered me money before but her assh0le son is not her problem. I know things are tight for her too. She's separated and has a mortgage etc.

She insists on helping when I told her about the suggestion as she feels that it would be a bad idea for me to move back in with him for everyones sake. I said it wasn't her problem and she said it was her grandchild and she'd do whatever it took to make sure the child was ok.

She sounds the complete opposite of her "Asshole Son" is she sure she's his Mother??? I think shes right and is only looking out for her grandchilds emotional well being. Would you consider taking her up on her offer of help if you could view it as a loan until the house sells and your back on your feet. Shes not looking for a couple of lodgers by any chance (only half joking it's a long shot but I'd rather live with what appears to be a decent mother inlaw than an asshole ex)

LegacyUser

TheBlock wrote: »

She sounds the complete opposite of her "Asshole Son" is she sure she's his Mother??? I think shes right and is only looking out for her grandchilds emotional well being. Would you consider taking her up on her offer of help if you could view it as a loan until the house sells and your back on your feet. Shes not looking for a couple of lodgers by any chance (only half joking it's a long shot but I'd rather live with what appears to be a decent mother inlaw than an asshole ex)

She doesn't live locally otherwise me living with her would definitely be an option. We get on very well and she adores her grandchild and is very good to her.
Her son takes after his father (hence why she is now separated )

I'm usually a very proud person and I hate taking money off anyone. But I'm thinking I might just to get me out of the position I'm in for the childs sake.
I have some serious thinking to do.

Memnoch

Movein? wrote: »

She doesn't live locally otherwise me living with her would definitely be an option. We get on very well and she adores her grandchild and is very good to her.
Her son takes after his father (hence why she is now separated )

I'm usually a very proud person and I hate taking money off anyone. But I'm thinking I might just to get me out of the position I'm in for the childs sake.
I have some serious thinking to do.

This might not be viable, but is it possible that rather than taking the money directly, she could buy things that the child needs? Maybe some of the more expensive stuff, that way there might be less guilt and less issues all around, after all, she'd only be buying stuff for her grandchild.

LegacyUser

Memnoch wrote: »

This might not be viable, but is it possible that rather than taking the money directly, she could buy things that the child needs? Maybe some of the more expensive stuff, that way there might be less guilt and less issues all around, after all, she'd only be buying stuff for her grandchild.

Thats a good idea but the child is older so doesn't need "stuff" on a regular basis. If she was a tot I would say to exs mum to buy clothes and nappies. But my main expenses are bills and rent and childcare. Childcare is over 300 per month so that is way too much.
She was more talking about a one off cash sum to clear the balance on my ESB bill, pay for car repairs etc. Just to get me back on track as I had a run of bad luck before xmas resulting in this shortage of cash. I was doing ok up to then. Not great but not bad either. I had some savings but then my car broke down, my oil was siphoned from the tank after I'd gotten 500 euro worth, tax and insurance were due etc etc on top of the cost of christmas (and we had a very frugal christmas!).

PopUp

I know house prices have collapsed. But could you not consider selling the former family home? Even if you will make a loss, your ex cannot afford the mortgage - if it means he can't support his child, then he can't afford it. And it is lunacy to have one man rattling around a 2 or 3 bedroom house when you have money troubles. He should be in a 1-bed apt.

With interest rates going up this year that house is only going to get more expensive. Would you not consider selling?

Edit:
You know, even as house prices have fallen so too have rents. If you started renting the place you're in now a year ago rents have fallen a lot since then. Check out Daft - you might be able to get something cheaper now. Or try negotiating your rent maybe? If you have been a good tenant all year they may consider a reduction.

Sorry if you've already considered this and it isn't helpful.