I'm pretty sure wife is having text "affair"

LegacyUser

Before I go into detail about whe shes doing, a little background on my past.

I'm ashamed to say that early in my marraige i had a fetish of getting my jollies online by chatting others. I never met any of these people in person, nor did i ever want to. my wife found out about it and as expected was less than pleased. we almost divorced, and after 6 - 8 months of sleeping in seperate rooms (we have no kids) and me making amends, we rebuilt. however in that time shes really cooled towards me. she was never the most affectionate person, but if she wanted sex she'd initiate it. we had a normalish sex live for married people with jobs, maybe once or twice a month if we were not too tired. but after my mistake sex all but dried up, she said she needed time to trust me again and i respected that, and never pressured her. but a man has needs. i can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in the last 18 mths.

so back to the net i went, this time just for porn, and telling her this. and she has no problem with it. so while i wait for her to get in the mood (which is never nowadays) i sort myself out.


Now, onto her. she recently changed phones, and as she didnt have the proper ID's i signed up for it. i read about a possible new deal that could save us a few quid so i'm on the network site checking it out and i log in. while i'm there i'm checking the bill and thats when i see it. hundreds of texts over the past two months. so on my break i start sifting through them, and they're not her friends. In fact i've narrowed it down to about 6 numbers, 4 she texts regularly, and two of them i can confirm are guys, and guys she has no business knowing. these are full blown text conversations, taking place at all ours, sometimes up to 4am, with a few picture messages too. even on xmas day, and other times when im with her.

a lot of it makes sense, when i ring her from work (shes out of work) it takes me ages to get her as she always has her phone on silent, and its a smartphone shes using so she can cover her tracks by saying she on the net or something.

now, heres where you're gonna go WTF? I dont have the problem with her texting guys, heck its even a bit of a turn on. if she even wanted to experiment sexually and have a 3some or whatever i'd be all for this, and she knows this. i've been honest with my fantasies with her. what pisses me off is the deception. I know shes probably not met most or any of these guys as we have very little money and dont socialise much. she she pretty much never goes out, if she has (and i have no proof) then shes only had maybe one or two chances to meet up with them in the past year, if its been going on that long

what also pisses me off is that while i've been deprived of sex and affection under the guise of "rebuilding our marraige an trust" shes doing who knows what with guys on her phone.

Its enough to make me do the same....advice?

Emme

You're calling yourself "victim" here - you should be calling yourself "perpetrator" seeing as you were getting your jollies online when you were first married.

It's people's own business how they conduct their marriages and I'm not going to pass judgement but it sounds like you two are pretty well matched.

seahorse

thevictim wrote: »

Its enough to make me do the same....advice?

If it actually IS enough to make you do the same that's one sorry shambolic excuse for a marriage you're going to find yourself in. She obviously never got over your deception and decided that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I think you have to take responsibility for having introduced this behaviour into the relationship in the first place.

The only way forward is to be honest with her. Tell her what you know and see if you both can find a way through it. As for the fact that you'd find her antics thrilling if they were not deceptive, that's downright strange in my opinion, but that's your business and not mine.

LegacyUser

hi there,

its not nice at all to feel cheated in some form...although most people dont like it when the shoe is on the other foot...so this is probably why it is getting to you so much...
it seems like she lost trust in you, and just got on with her own life, and whoever she is texting is obviously making her feel good about herself...whether or not she is meeting them...
I have been with my partner years, and we broke up a while ago, but like you we rarely had sex, and tbh I love getting male attention..as I wasnt getting it at home...and I was just as much to blame..

It went wrong for me as we went past the point of talking..if you two want to resolve this, you have to talk and be completely honest...what is the point of being with someone if you are seeking it elsewhere and so is she...now there is nothing wrong with looking, but you dont want it to get to a point where it involves one of you meeting someone else as you are both unhappy!!

try and talk

kmart6

thevictim wrote: »

when i ring her from work (shes out of work) it takes me ages to get her as she always has her phone on silent, and its a smartphone shes using so she can cover her tracks by saying she on the net or something.

Eh the phone would still ring if she was online!

PK2008

I cant really see anything positive in this marriage, do you love her?

LegacyUser

ok, so i've not been faultless in the past. fair enough i've moved on. i no longer behave like that.

I cant be too mad as shes doing to me now, what ive done to her in the past.

I was talking to her tonight, and in a roundabout way (i did not directly accuse her, just needed some reassurance) tried to get her to come out with something.

she said everything was fine. shes happy. i have nothing to worry about.

pity she doesnt know that i can log into her mobile account and see every webtext shes sent for the last month.(realised this today) I can now confirm she's got 2 guys on the go, (unless shes turned lesbian!) stringing them along with flirty texts. i dont think shes told them she married.

in answer to an above post, shes got the phone on silent, so i dont know texts are coming in and shes always "messing about on the internet" so she can reply without me knowing. also as shes redundant, she stays up later than i do.

Yes, i do love her. perhaps since my own mistake shes wanted to end it, but for reasons unknown to me shes stuck with it, perhaps because if we did split she'd have nowhere to go, and with no means of support. she says she loves me too.

might i add, that while i'm not perfect, i do pull my weight in the marriage, pay 3/4 of all bills and rent and help out where needed. i could be better i suppose.

i've decided to give her time. if shes never met these guys then shes got a chance. she has no idea yet that i can monitor her phone in this fashion, i'll try to make myself the better option, if the texts stop, good. if not then she can shack up with one of them if she loves chatting them that much.

K_P

All these forms of communication but not one bit of meaningful communication between ye!

i've decided to give her time. if shes never met these guys then shes got a chance. she has no idea yet that i can monitor her phone in this fashion, i'll try to make myself the better option, if the texts stop, good. if not then she can shack up with one of them if she loves chatting them that much.

This is just odd in my opinion, as though you love the subterfuge more than your wife. Confront her about the texts, find out what happened and if ye still want to make a go of it, get some marriage counselling. It seems the problems from the start of your marriage have never been resolved and if they stay that way, it's just a recipe for disaster.

seahorse

K_P wrote: »

All these forms of communication but not one bit of meaningful communication between ye!

Couldn't agree with this more.

If you keep going with this stupid plan of monitoring her and saying nothing your marriage will most likely collapse and if it does you will be every bit as responsible for it as she is.

You say you've changed your behaviour and moved on. That's fine for you - she obviously hasn't. Here's something I've learned about the dynamics of hurting someone: When you hurt somebody you have no business telling them how long they're allowed to stay hurt.

Your wife was obviously so disgusted and betrayed by what you did to your new marriage that she lost all faith in it and in you. She is (wrongly) continuing the damage that YOU started, and since you introduced it in the first place you have a moral obligation to put the breaks on this horrible deceptive behaviour that is about to tear the guts out of your marriage. You need also to snap out of victim mode and stop congratulating yourself on paying 3/4 of the bills. You can pay all the bills in the world - it's not going to fix this situation.

Here's my advice: Confront her - be honest - apologise again for what you've done in the past and tell her how pissed off you are about what she's doing in the present. Then the pair of you need to trot off together to couples counseling because you've both between you managed to turn this marriage into a spectacularly non-comedic joke.