Dating multiple people (early on) etiquette

Panicked

Firstly can I say I'm a monogamist, the idea of having more than one relationship at a time doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

Now I've somehow managed to successfully ask two people out, just on a dinner date mind you. I believe in being as honest as possible but I simply can't think of way of doing that without coming across like a total tosspot. "Why mention it at all?" you're probably asking. Well while talking to one of the ladies, the topic of why I'd broken up with my last girlfriend arose. She's obviously had a mull over my wording and texted me the following:
"I assume you meant you weren't ready to settle down? Or does that mean that you date several women at the same time?". Therein lies my dilemma, how do I reply honestly?

Also (in the hypothetical situation that they both go well) at what stage does it not become okay to continue going on dates with both parties? Is a second date with both too much? Or is it okay to continue to see both until you agree with one that you are in a relationship/exclusive?

gagomes

Hey OP,

Sorry if I come across a bit rough, but there's a fine line between being 'honest' and being 'brutally honest'. You are trying to be the latter and while that's not a bad thing, if you omit some things (such as how many dates you've got going) you're not being dishonest to her.

Don't take me wrong, but I think it's a bad move to talk about your past relationships before the first date and even worse, communicate them thru text. As you mention, the words used might have been ambiguous and generate all sorts of thoughts in her head (read: red flags). Try to be minimalist and funny, if the questions are cryptical, such as your break up and past relationships. A bit of mystery is known to do wonders in relationships...even in mariages, just tell her "I don't know you well enough yet, we can discuss this later over a glass of <insert the drink here>". You should tell her that you don't date several women, but you're not going to settle for a single person either, etc. Or you can just tell her "Well, I have been promised 72 virgins, you're the 10th..it's a long way to go, but until I get there, I'll be multi-tasking - sorry!" and get rid of the question by being playful. :-)

just my thoughts.

LegacyUser

Its a tricky question to answer, however i believe alot of people would agree with the following:

Lets examine it.
it can be seen as a grey area because everyone feels differently upon the situation. But is actually more than that.

After the first date the majority of people know is he/she clicks with them to warrent another date / know they want to see them again etc. Yes the first few dates in total are a feeling out process but after the first you have to know if you want to see that someone again or not. The only problem about having a good first date is not knowing that the other person wants a second date?

Problem in life is that dating can be like "waiting on a bus" - you wait and wait and two can come together at once. This is where the problem lies.

So on one side of the argument you can say that you are single and free to do what you want. Which of course is true. You are. However the down-side to that is you will probably cause an issue that might stop you getting into a relationship with that someone if you are honest.
Lets look upon it from the other persons aspect. If you're just seeing someone and they tell you, or you find out, that they are having other dates it will make you feel just how much are they really into you? Thats a natural feeling. Its one of those things that puts people off.

Now lets just be honest here. The other side to the above is that you can go out on several dates with someone and for it just to go no-where. While you could of been telling other people who were interested in you "oh i'm kinda seeing someone, sorry" - shooting yourself in the foot.

Now lets look at the logic of dating more than one person. Everyone says "oh i am just keeping my options open" - but for what purpose? That if one doesnt lead into a relationship with you? the other might? Between two people you'll always have one who is more favourite. even if its only marginal. Because if you continue to date more than one person what will usually happen is one will be phased out while the other is looking more likely (A,) a relationship is on the cards or (B,) that you want to be with them more than the other. So lets be honest, what does "keeping your options open" mean? - it means one is a "safety net"


As for if you happen to get into the situation of dating two people. You have to ask yourself what path do you want to go down?
- If you're honest you'll most likely create an issue between you and the other person/s you tell probably shooting yourself in the foot from it going to anything further than a few dates.
- If you're not honest is that something you really want to with hold? If said person becomes a gf/bf. Isnt a relationship based upon trust and is meant to be so from the start?
- if you have two girls/guys on the go? would you be happy if you were one of those 2 to someone else?



I could go on and on explaining it I guess.
But the simple fact is the reason why people are never honest about if they are dating another person while dating you is because its not really nice.
Out of how many times if your life will you have two prospective people who are "equally matched" and you dont know who to choose? Fact is a person is into one more than the other. Even if its only at the attraction level. That they might not want to admit to it but one will be the "safety net" if the other doesnt go anywhere.

I believe that if I have a second/third date with a girl its wrong to date another. I agreed to go out on another date with that girl. If i wasnt that into her and dating someone else, i'd be using her as a safety net.




Sorry for the long post :P
But I will say this tho. if anyone is dating 2 people at once and sleeps with one. I think that is very very wrong. The whole thing can be a grey area with most people. I dont think there is anything grey about that.

seahorse

Panicked wrote: »

Therein lies my dilemma, how do I reply honestly?

It's very simple. You tell the truth.

Dishonesty by omission and promission amounts to the same thing: Dishonesty.

How would you feel about one of these ladies hiding secret dates from you? People have a right to know what they are getting themselves into when they form a connection with another person and in my opinion the person they are becoming involved with has no business taking that right away from them.

You may find that these women are okay with the idea of casual dating and appreciate the chance to do a bit of casual dating of their own, but keeping the truth from them is no purer morally than telling them outright lies.

Leah-G1

To be honest she had no right asking such a personal question before you even had a first date! I think thats quite a weird thing to text!

I think your looking into this waaaaay too much. So what if you have two first dates set up? Your hardly going to confess your undying love after one date (unless your that way inclined)

I would politely tell her that its none of her business..i.e " I had been single for X amount of years and always tried to keep my options open" Doesnt nescessarily mean your shagging "several" women!!!

mood

Leah-G1 wrote: »

To be honest she had no right asking such a personal question before you even had a first date! I think thats quite a weird thing to text!

I think your looking into this waaaaay too much. So what if you have two first dates set up? Your hardly going to confess your undying love after one date (unless your that way inclined)

I would politely tell her that its none of her business..i.e " I had been single for X amount of years and always tried to keep my options open" Doesnt nescessarily mean your shagging "several" women!!!

If he has giving her the impression he is dating other girls she is right to ask him to clarify this. I wouldn't want to be seeing a guy who had other girls on the go.

seahorse

Leah-G1 wrote: »

I would politely tell her that its none of her business..

Lol. Anyone wanting out of a relationship before it's started should take heed of this advice. That's one sure-fire way to get rid of a woman!

jenga-jen

I've been in your situation of seeing two people at the same time and tbh there's no point in telling them at such an early stage IF you genuinely feel it's a fair 'race' at this point!

IME there will come a crunch time whereby you'll FEEL the need to tell them (that said, be fair and don't cause yourself more grief by starting to sleep with one/both of them if you still haven't made your...'choice') and also hopefully you'll have a better idea of who you want to continue seeing...

I think you probably already have a fair idea though if you're completely honest with yourself and you should go with your gut on it. Making a decision will leave you free to enjoy the start of something new without all this stress!

LegacyUser

Considering that you hadn't yet been on a date with either lady in question, it would have been simple enough to respond to her text and tell her the truth. Which, I assume, is that you weren't ready to settle down and hence the reason why you left your previous relationship? I really don't understand what the dilemma is or was.

As for the etiquette further on - one or two dates is hardly a big deal and it's only the exploratory phase. Once you start being able to say "I went on several dates with both of you" it's time to pick one or the other.

And on a side note, if the reason you broke up with your last girlfriend was because you weren't ready to settle down (in general?), should you not make that clear to any current girls? I've been in a long relationship that was essentially a train to nowhere, and I'd have liked to know from the beginning that I was only a brief diversion.

dsmythy

I don't see a problem with multiple first dates and at a stretch multiple second dates. Beyond that i think you should tell them that this is the case.

ChocolateRamses

She's trying to back you into a corner by letting you know how clever she is.

So what if she thinks you're dating other women? You are dating other women, and what of it? It's just a date, you're not involved with anyone, it's none of her business what or who you do.

I wouldn't even acknowledge the text if it was me. None of her business.

OS119

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

She's trying to back you into a corner by letting you know how clever she is.

So what if she thinks you're dating other women? You are dating other women, and what of it? It's just a date, you're not involved with anyone, it's none of her business what or who you do.

I wouldn't even acknowledge the text if it was me. None of her business.

OP, i'd very much agree with that - you've not even been on a date with this woman yet and she's asking pretty personal (and potentially hurtful) questions... i assume you've not asked her about her fertility, attitudes to abortion and whether she gives head?

personally, this would indicate - assuming this girl isn't a long term, close friend - a woman who has no understanding of boundaries or privacy. i don't think i'd bother going on the date with someone like that.