unwanted feelings..help

LegacyUser · 18-01-2010 10:04pm #1

Hi,

I posted before looking for advise, I thought this would pass but has not..
I have fallin for my male friend, who is BI, well so he says, he is with a guy and I believe he is gay, and still slightly confused.
I dont wanta bore you with the details, but we work together, socialise together, and over the last few months we spend even more together..it just happened that way.
Anyway we flirt like mad..
these feelings are getting stronger, and at times, I would just love to kiss him and see what it is like, see are they real feelings..just wanta try it to get it outta my head.
But I have never made the first move on anyone.
I am a confident girl, and I am not short of male attention, but I dont want anyone else...
I guess what I am asking is am I totally mad to have these feelings, will it end in my tears...and how can I stay away from him without him asking to many questions...
my head is all over the place...I just want to move on..I just told my friend today, who couldnt believe it, and just made a joke..
any advise would be appreciated.

thx

Nevyn · 18-01-2010 10:23pm

You have a crush on a friend who is in a relationship.
Is it fair to disrespect his relationship by trying to kiss him?

LegacyUser · 18-01-2010 10:42pm

Thaedydal wrote: »

You have a crush on a friend who is in a relationship.
Is it fair to disrespect his relationship by trying to kiss him?

this is a fair point, but like I said I want to be with him, but I no I wont try it...I would hate to be the other person..but what I was saying is it is so hard, when you spend so much time with someone, you fancy more and more each day. And its not that I choose to spend that much time with him, its work related also, and he he the one who asks to meet up, and constantly wants to spend time with me.

LegacyUser · 19-01-2010 12:15am

You know what you need to do here.

If he wasn't in a relationship, I would say declare your intentions and try it on with him, but he is in a relationship, you thats out.

You are no longer his friend as your feelings towards him are not friendly. You owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself and pull back from the friendship. You could tell him the truth... but it might be best to not bother. Eitherway, you have to step back here.

At a different time, you and him might have a chance (after he's resolved his bi-ness or his relationship?) or you might be great pals, but right now you have to step back.

unattendedbag · 19-01-2010 12:45am

Its hard having a crush on a friend. Especially when you see them everyday and cant get away from them. I bet your constantly thinking of them all the time. But step outside the box and take a look in. What are you expecting to happen? If you turn around to him tomorow and say "God I fancy the hell out of you and want to kiss you right now!" You'd like to think they'd say "me too" and there goes your wild passionate movie moment. However more than likely as with 99% of the posts here about being in love with best friends, the feelings aren't mutual and they only see you as a friend. He wants to spend time with you because he enjoys your company and loves working with you. So you have to either accept that it wont work and swallow all these feelings or distance yourself from him. Neither is easy but only you can decide how to proceed.

LegacyUser · 19-01-2010 12:12pm

Hi all,

thanks for your replies...

I know you are right, I do need to step back...but its hard when I cant give him a valid reason, as when I stop talking to him for a day, he is onto me...and I am way to proud to tell him how I feel..
I am with him today, and he is telling me of dreams he had about me...but cant tell me....
and then I said to him I cant do much with you this week, and he has loads of things planned business wise, and seemed really gutted and needs my help...so I said of course I will help.
Hopefully it will pass, and I can go back to the way it was.
why cant it just be easy....girls likes boy, boy likes girl...etc...LOL only in the movies...

jenga-jen · 19-01-2010 1:26pm

OP I think cutting contact with him 'cold turkey'-style is a terrible idea! It'll give rise to a situation where he thinks he's done something wrong and, if it leads to tension/arguments, will definitely spell the end of your friendship and possibly your good working relationship too.

Best bet is to expand the circle of people you are spending your time with. Try to make sure that it's not just the two of you hanging out the whole time. It'll 'dilute' the feelings of closeness and remove the temptation to make a move on someone in a relationship.

Spending a huge amount of time with someone who ultimately might not even be able to entertain the thought of a relationship with you due to his sexual preferences will only hurt YOU!

You could be missing someone equally as wonderful and possibly as straight as your friend is bi (

) purely because you're so focused on your friend.

IMO ease up on the close knit friendship without causing a scene where you might be tempted to blurt something out which does more damage than merely cooling off for a while!

LegacyUser · 19-01-2010 2:09pm

jenga-jen wrote: »

OP I think cutting contact with him 'cold turkey'-style is a terrible idea! It'll give rise to a situation where he thinks he's done something wrong and, if it leads to tension/arguments, will definitely spell the end of your friendship and possibly your good working relationship too.

Best bet is to expand the circle of people you are spending your time with. Try to make sure that it's not just the two of you hanging out the whole time. It'll 'dilute' the feelings of closeness and remove the temptation to make a move on someone in a relationship.

Spending a huge amount of time with someone who ultimately might not even be able to entertain the thought of a relationship with you due to his sexual preferences will only hurt YOU!

You could be missing someone equally as wonderful and possibly as straight as your friend is bi ( ) purely because you're so focused on your friend.

IMO ease up on the close knit friendship without causing a scene where you might be tempted to blurt something out which does more damage than merely cooling off for a while!

Hi, thank you for your advise, you made some very good points. If you knew me you would know that I am usually very level headed and stong willed, I was in a relationship for years, and it takes me a long time to meet someone I really like, and actually my previous relationships have started with friendships..but I was the other person who didnt have strong feelings for them, and then eventually I did.
we had a little chat today, I said to him again, I need to focus on other things for a bit, and he made a joke about it...he is expanding the business so that might help, as we wont be so much on our own...and tbh given his past history I may not be a long long term friend, as when I knew him years ago in work, he had friends just like me who he did everything with and now he doesnt see them much...so who knows...

All I do is switch off, I have to as it is making my stomach sick all the time...

would love to hear from anyone who ever had a situation like this??

Elessar · 19-01-2010 3:38pm

It's a classic case of wanting what you cant have. Which makes it even harder as you want it more. I'm in that situation right now. He is in a relationship so there is nothing you can do. All I can say is do your best to try and forget about him in that way and deal with it like an adult.

LegacyUser · 19-01-2010 8:26pm

Elessar wrote: »

It's a classic case of wanting what you cant have. Which makes it even harder as you want it more. I'm in that situation right now. He is in a relationship so there is nothing you can do. All I can say is do your best to try and forget about him in that way and deal with it like an adult.

Hi Elessar, just curious the guy you like, is he a friend also??

I am trying to get some distance but it is hard....but like I said I will try switch off...he asked me to stay over one of the nights this week again, and I just refused...he has been on and off with his partner for the last few months, and i think wants to get rid of him, but wont...these are the times I stay away more, as of course it is so tempting to tell him to get rid of him when I know it isnt working, and he constantly tells me he wants out of it...but I keep my mouth closed, and just say that only he can decide...so I am not all that bad...

anyway its great to listen to everyones opinions..

Elessar · 19-01-2010 9:58pm

butterfly2021 wrote: »

Hi Elessar, just curious the guy you like, is he a friend also??

Heh, no, shes a woman, and I'm a guy

Yes a friend also but for one reason or another she doesn't seem interested. Maybe it's me, I don't know. Yeah it's hard, but you just have to deal with it and start thinking about yourself. Think you deserve a boyfriend/girlfriend, because you do.

I find what helps is forgetting about wanting a girlfriend, and just being happy in myself and my life. As much as I'd like one, I don't need a girlfriend and I'll be just fine without one! I find constantly thinking about wanting what you can't have does your head in and just makes life miserable. So I just take my mind off it, hard as it is, and know that if I'm confident and happy in myself it'll happen eventually.

LegacyUser · 19-01-2010 11:08pm

Elessar wrote: »

Heh, no, shes a woman, and I'm a guy

Yes a friend also but for one reason or another she doesn't seem interested. Maybe it's me, I don't know. Yeah it's hard, but you just have to deal with it and start thinking about yourself. Think you deserve a boyfriend/girlfriend, because you do.

I find what helps is forgetting about wanting a girlfriend, and just being happy in myself and my life. As much as I'd like one, I don't need a girlfriend and I'll be just fine without one! I find constantly thinking about wanting what you can't have does your head in and just makes life miserable. So I just take my mind off it, hard as it is, and know that if I'm confident and happy in myself it'll happen eventually.

Yea you right, you have to focus on the positves, which I do, I am generally happy in my life, I have a beautiful little girl, who makes me smile all the time. I have a good job, and just starting a good business. So I dont think its a need thing, or because of insecurity. We just click, and get on brilliant, and eveyone thinks we are a bloody couple anyway...but the more time I spend with him, it is becoming more apparent that he is more than BI..so deep down I know it wont ever happen. Just cant wait for time to pass, and the feelings to be gone..without ruining our friendship..

LegacyUser · 20-01-2010 10:46pm

the plot tickens...he told me today he is going to breakup with the partner, and start making a joke about moving in with me...gotta really put a stop to all this...

unattendedbag · 20-01-2010 11:16pm

Whats your plan now? (Id love to hear how this works out, lol)

Is a particular reason why he wants to break up? Has he given any indication whether he's interested in women again? Im never in favour of breaking up relationships so id always advise you to stay clear of people who are attached. At the same time though Id always advise any single person interested in another single person to go ahead and give it a shot. Just dont get caught in the middle. Be a good friend and be by his side if you are needed.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2010 10:48am

the_original_OP wrote: »

Whats your plan now? (Id love to hear how this works out, lol)

Is a particular reason why he wants to break up? Has he given any indication whether he's interested in women again? Im never in favour of breaking up relationships so id always advise you to stay clear of people who are attached. At the same time though Id always advise any single person interested in another single person to go ahead and give it a shot. Just dont get caught in the middle. Be a good friend and be by his side if you are needed.

Not sure what the plan is yet...I am not getting involved, they have been so on and off for months now, so they may not even break up...but I do know from observing and listening to him he is not in a healthy relationship at all, but I just give my opinion when asked thats all..very hard not to say yes dump him...but I wouldnt do that.
He never gives me any idea what sex he will persue, and I guess I am a little affraid to ask...think I already know that answer..
I really dont know how this will end...hopefully it will just pass like I said..but the flirty texts have to stop, and they are from both of us. I just think he has gotten attached to me and I am not sure what way...like when we go out if I am chatted up by a stranger or a mutual friend is flirting with me...he tells them to leave me alone...shes mine..But that could be just a joke..then other times I speak about other people I fancy and he just says go for it etc....
aaaaaahhhh so confused by it all....
I am happy I got this off my chest here, at the same time it has opened up all my feelings...
I'll post any updates...oh the drama!!!!

LegacyUser · 23-01-2010 12:53pm

a little update,

was with him and the partner yesterday all day for business stayed over and had a few drinks...We got talking about sexuality etc, and he was saying that he doesnt believe people are truly bi..they like one more than the other...and then I responded so what are you..cause thats what he always says he is...anyway he made a joke saying im different...then the other day he wanted to get married eventually...seriously he is one confused person...well thats what I was thinking until today, then the more I thought about it, I realised he is always like that to me....and saying one thing then another...and making comments like...you missed your chance with me...(I dont remember having a chance!!!) I am thinking several things today, like is he trying to suss me out?? is he just having a bit of fun with me?? knowing he is gay, but liking the fact that I might think he is bi and liking the fact I am into him..and he made several comments about me wanting him...
I so want to ask but really cant...I had to excuse myself from the room last night when he spoke about being gay etc, as I could feel I was going to cry...
I truly cant believe I have gotten into this situation its a mess....and I am doing it to myself...
I have had enough...I think I deserve better....so my only option is to cut thighs altogether, and make up some excuse for us not to spend time with each other...thats not completly work related....

unwanted feelings..help

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