Living behind a mask

LegacyUser

I constantly feel the need to hide the real me from people, in order to 'fit in', and it's starting to wear me down.

On the outside I'm a normal enough guy, kinda quiet, a good group of friends, I go out for drinks, I go to college, I fit in. However to achieve all this I have to mask myself, because any time I let people see a bit of the real me they react badly.

The real me is vain, I think I'm better than everyone else, I have no qualms about lying or manipulating someone to get what I want, if someone is in my way or stopping me from achieving something I will take them down to get there, I feel bored all the time like nothing is challenging enough, I quit jobs/situations that I feel are below me, I feel no compassion for stuff that happens in the world around me or other people unless I've a personal connection to them. For example I couldn't care less that 100,000 people died in Haiti, I feel not one bit of sorrow for them, because I don't know anyone there.

I've been feeling like this for a few years now, starting when I was around 18, and I only feel like I can be myself when I'm alone. Like I said I can fit in and have a laugh but it's incredibley draining on me mentally. With nearly all my friendships I get to a point where I can't reveal any more of myself, the effort becomes too much and the friendship goes stagnant. I don't even bother with relationships because after all, by normal social standards the person I've described up there is a total asshole. I'd like to just feel normal but I can't find it inside myself to.

That was kindof a stream of consciousness, I guess I'm just wondering does anyone else feel like this and how do you cope with it?

Emme

You remind me of some lyrics from Elton John's song "I'm Still Standing"

"There's a cold and lonely light that shines from you
You will wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use"

If you're serious I feel sorry for you. Not in a bad way, but in the same way I would sympathise with someone who has a physical handicap.

Perhaps you have sociopathic tendencies - ie you cannot empathise with others. Some people are like that - you are not alone. Indeed, you will probably be very successful in life because you might take risks that other people wouldn't for fear of hurting others.

Maybe a good psychiatrist would be able to help you to define what you think "normal" should be and why you don't feel that way right now. Is "normal" having empathy and being horrified at recent events in Haiti? Not lying, cheating or manipulating? Not being an a$$hole?

Taltos

Hi OP.

To me you read as someone who has lost the spark in life - you know - that one something that drives you to do and be your best.

I can recognize alot of my younger self in what you write and even now parts of the current me. One thing I will say to you is not to give in to these feelings - don't let them control you or more importantly cut you off from other people.

You might find that you never have really deep long lasting friendships - and you know - that is actually OK. Provided that you do have friendships.

Have you also considered maybe just going to talk to someone - to explore why you feel the way you do?
Maybe you have every right to be vain - but think about it - how do you demonstrate that vanity - for example - George Clooney - does he go about shoving it in everyone's face that he is better than them - richer - better looking - or is he just himself - quietly self-assured?

You might just need to find the real you - get back in touch with the child you once were to rediscover what made you look forward to getting out of bed in the morning - what people had to say - even if you disagreed with what they were saying.

In terms of Haiti - this could well be a self-defense mechanism - by insulating yourself from any negative emotions from the media you effectively do not have to deal with the human tragedy - will keep you sane - but will also stop you from learning how to properly deal with such losses in the future - but hopefully not of that scale.

You are in college - maybe go talk to the counsellor or your GP. They may recommend different things for you to try - but none of these will work unless you really commit to what they are suggesting. And in the best case - you will not even realise that their efforts are having an effect - not until one day in the future when one of your mates genuinely thanks you for being there for them when they needed something.

Don't beat yourself up about this - but having recognized that you are not quite the person you might want to be - change it. Unless you are the person you want to be and you just need to deal with having no mates when you let the real you out...

Remember we all wear masks - sometimes though those masks are on the inside for our benefit too...

tenchi-fan

These are symptoms of two types of thinking.

#1 someone who is narcisstic and egotistical. This type of person is liable to have an under-developed conscience and will use people to get to the top. They think they are brilliant at everything they do. They will use phrases such as "I'm not booksmart but I'm street smart." Often their achievements won't match up to their opinions of themselves. they will always have someone else to blame. Having said that, they can do well in business due to their ruthlessness and need to prove themselves to people by having power and what better way to show people you have power than with a top job. their interpersonal relationships may suffer but they are too busy thinking about themselves to consider other people.

#2 someone who is neurotic and has low self esteem. They are blind to the cause of their own misery. They know they're intelligent but they waste their time overthinking things. They have very high expectations for themselves and feel miserable when they don't achieve them. They spend more time thinking about what's going wrong or what could go wrong than simply realising that life isn't perfect. What's more, their high expectations also extend to other people - no one can match what you expect from them. Ask yourself, if you're so intelligent why can't you find a job that you enjoy?

The fact that you posted this to begin with means I don't think you're person #1. It would never occur to them that the problem is with them, whereas you clearly acknowledge that problem is probably with yourself. And you'd be right!

I do too much self help reading but it really works for me and I would recommend it!

PS I'm not a bad person but I couldn't care less at what's going on in china, haiti, africa, palestine or any other god damned part of the world. Worry about yourself first and when you are happy you can start focussing on the other 7 billion people on the planet.

wylo

a bit off topic, but I just thought id say that I dont think there is anything particular wrong with not actually feeling genuine sympathy for people in the likes of Haiti. You didnt know any of those people and you havent seen first hand what is going on, its all just numbers and news stories.
However I would say, despite that, make the effort and do your bit , throw a couple of euro into a collection box or something, it might just make you feel good believe it or not.

unattendedbag

On the outside I'm a normal enough guy, kinda quiet, a good group of friends, I go out for drinks, I go to college, I fit in. However to achieve all this I have to mask myself, because any time I let people see a bit of the real me they react badly.

This answer is probably a little unhelpful so apologies if its not what you wanted. I too identified a little of you in my own personaility to a tiny extent. I too dont get too bothered about global/national tragedies and sometimes feel that im above ppl or stuations. But this is only 0.1% of my time. The trick is to change your belief and convince yourself that the times you are out with friends, all smiles and fitting in 'IS' the real you. The other vain part is only a nasty personality trait is popping out every now and then. Normally id advise everyone to be yourself no matter what anyone thinks, but as you can see for yourself, you'll never get anywhere socially like this and eventually fall into depression.

Id like to agree with Taltos too, sounds like you have nothing to motivate you or no spark for life. You know yourself better than anyone else so start digging and find something or someone you care about and put some interest and effort into it.

je suis awesome

how did you feel about 9/11? if haiti happened in usa, you'd have people in ireland balling their eyes out. just a weird way the world works.

Monkey61

Unregistered wrote: »

The real me is vain, I think I'm better than everyone else, I have no qualms about lying or manipulating someone to get what I want, if someone is in my way or stopping me from achieving something I will take them down to get there, I feel bored all the time like nothing is challenging enough, I quit jobs/situations that I feel are below me, I feel no compassion for stuff that happens in the world around me or other people unless I've a personal connection to them. For example I couldn't care less that 100,000 people died in Haiti, I feel not one bit of sorrow for them, because I don't know anyone there.

I think a lot of what you are describing is perfectly normal - but maybe just the kind of thing that a lot of people keep to themselves. I don't give a crap about Haiti or 9/11 or anything like that. If a friend's mother died I probably wouldn't feel bad about it. I am just not empathetic in that way. But I would still give them a hug and do whatever I could for them, because they are my friend and that is what they would need, even if inside I would rather be having a nice cup of tea and reading the paper. But there is nothing wrong with that - as long as you are not actively causing people harm or upset because of it.

My friends know what I am like and accept me because they love me and because I am a great friend to them. I can be myself, I can watch the news and talk about how I don't give a feck about stuff like that and they aren't going to judge me because they are good friends. My housemate can go away for a month, come back and say "God I bet you didn't even miss me did you?" and I can say no and she won't get offended because she knows that is just the way I am and it doesn't make me love her any less.

I totally feel like I am better than most people and feel a lot of things are beneath me, but I can recognise that that is just a symptom of my cripplingly low self-esteem and fear that I will never succeed because I haven't found where I fit into this world yet.

I'm also horrendous in relationships and have treated people terribly because I don't have that sense of morality when it comes to how people should be treated - but again that is down to a self-esteem thing, because I don't feel important enough for my actions to really impact anyone else, so I do what I like.

What you need to do is find something that doesn't bore you to channel your energy into, something interesting, that you can actually be great at, that will make you feel really good about yourself in a definite and recognisable way.

And maybe consider some therapy as well,to work on the self-esteem issues.

seraphimvc

welcome to the real world mate

as a starter,i can honestly tell you that, irish are the most genuine people on earth that i ever know - speaking of wearing mask, 99% of my irish friends dont know what is 'wearing mask' ireland IS really an unique place.fact.

but if you still feel like what you described in the OP - i am guessing you are in dublin, (some parts of )it is the modern city in the real world afterall,please dont feel upset or down.

In the real world,
we wear mask 90% of the time.during working or studying.in front of friends or colleagues.

the remaining 10% of the people that we can show the true face of ourselves to, are what we called Best/Very Good friends/family/your partner. We truly trust and willing to show our careness on these people (and of course we hope they will do the same).

thats life (in modern 21th century)!!

Taltos

seraphimvc wrote: »

welcome to the real world mate

as a starter,i can honestly tell you that, irish are the most genuine people on earth that i ever know - speaking of wearing mask, 99% of my irish friends dont know what is 'wearing mask' ireland IS really an unique place.fact.

but if you still feel like what you described in the OP - i am guessing you are in dublin, (some parts of )it is the modern city in the real world afterall,please dont feel upset or down.

In the real world,
we wear mask 90% of the time.during working or studying.in front of friends or colleagues.

the remaining 10% of the people that we can show the true face of ourselves to, are what we called Best/Very Good friends/family/your partner. We truly trust and willing to show our careness on these people (and of course we hope they will do the same).

thats life (in modern 21th century)!!

This view might explain that when the mask slips / our reconciliation between our true selves and the masked fakers - why so many basically lose their way.

OP - try to find a way that you can be happy with who you are and how you are.

NOGMaxpower

OP

You have a personality disorder and you need to seek therapy for it before it manifests itself in a more crippling way later on in life.

Its nothing to be ashamed of but lets face it you shouldn't be drained or thinking that way daily. eventually it'll manifest itself in another way, depression etc.

A couple sessions with a counsellor/therapist and you'll be on the way to being the guy you want to be.

Be yourself and the rest will follow.

Riverpineapple

OP, unless you accept yourself and your feelings you will be miserable.

If you feel like you don't care about people in Haiti then admit that to yourself. You can't control what you feel, just accept what you feel and realise you there is nothing to be ashamed about the natural feelings that arise in you. Accept them. I'd say most people don't really care about the people of Haiti, if they really did they'd be selling their 50 inch flat screen HD TVs and giving it to Haiti charities.